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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Walking together on a journey - sharing experiences, tears, anger and sometimes even laughter. United we stand, divided we fall.

972 replies

shabbatheGreek · 23/07/2013 10:10

This special thread was started in 2008. Its a special place - one which nobody would ever willingly come to. I hope we pay tribute to our lost children by helping each other. xxxx

OP posts:
shabbs · 07/02/2014 19:18

I always say 'I have had four sons.'

Then, depending on who I am talking to, the mood I am in or even down to the weather Hmm I may tell them more but I may tell them nothing more.

Most people say 'Awwww wouldn't you have liked a girl?' I always say 'I always wanted lots of sons and I was very lucky to get my wish.'

Over time you kind of learn how to perfect your answer.

shabbs · 07/02/2014 19:19

You are NOT a failure - you are learning how to live a different life than you had before. xxxx

LilyTheSavage · 07/02/2014 20:39

Poor you diamond.
That's such a tough question to answer. I have tried various answers at various different times, and depending on who's asking and how I'm feeling the answer changes. My husband answered " we had three sons, but now have two". I tried that out and it felt ok.... as much as it ever can.

How can you be a failure? You're survived the very toughest test and lived to tell the tale. You would be a failure (in my opinion) if you didn't hurt, or didn't care or it didn't matter. You love your babies and that's all that does matter.

Wine for Diamond
Wine for all of us!

LoveAndDeath · 08/02/2014 01:55

"I had five but our last little one died." Sometimes it results in more conversation than I wanted. But it's better than sitting there thinking "you didn't mention her, you left her out"
It really is a crap choice, isn't it, diamond? The first is very hard. I find the second still hard but less hard. Never feel bad or never feel guilty over what you say in these situations. Your grief is yours and yours only.

I have found, shabs, that if I say "I have four boys and I had a little girl but she died" that people focus on the fact that she WAS a girl and they act as if it's worse that my girl died. As if it would have been alright if it happened to one of the boys because at least I had spares! When I really don't think it would have been any better to be without ds1 or ds2 or ds3 or ds4. People don't seem to understand that the lack of pink is secondary to the lack of child.

diamondlizard · 08/02/2014 04:39

Been lying here awake since 2am
can't sleep
my mind n heart is just racing

:(

Do you think I will pick up after ds1 birthday n anniversary
?

diamondlizard · 08/02/2014 04:39

Been lying here awake since 2am
can't sleep
my mind n heart is just racing

:(

Do you think I will pick up after ds1 birthday n anniversary
?

shabbs · 08/02/2014 08:25

Morning girls xx

Diamond - in my experience the build up to the day is always worse than the actual day - if that makes any sense?

LilyTheSavage · 08/02/2014 09:23

Morning girls.

diamond I'm sorry you had a bad night. I'm on antidepressants to help me to get some sort of balance across my days and to help me to sleep though the night. It's working. It doesn't take away the grief at all, neither NHS nor BUPA have a magic wand which is what I really need, but it helps me to cope with functioning. Is that something you would consider?
shabbs you lead the way for the rest of us with your experience - I wish you hadn't had to - but you help us make a little bit of sense.
I agree about the build ups being hideous. We're building up to the dedication of Paddy's stone, a memorial hockey match and then five days later his birthday. Dreading it all.
Brew for you all because it's too early for Wine

diamondlizard · 08/02/2014 12:55

here
found this this am

well this is his second anniversary,so i thought perhaps i wouldnt feel as bad as the first
perhaps i wasnt prepare for how i wouuld feel

yes i would consider sleeping pills or counselling
i will see how i am after his anniversary

i am wary of antidepressants for myself though
something about them scares me, like i will get used to them for a while then when i have to stop taking htem it will be awful
dont want that to come across as crictial at all in any way to anyone they do help.
only that person can decide if thats something they want to try
but thy scare me

LilyTheSavage · 08/02/2014 19:38

I was very wary of them too, and have never taken anything in my life. I compared it to the fact that if I have a foot injury I take anti-inflammatories so that I can run again. I now have a head/brain/heart and soul injury so the ADs will help me to sleep and function again until my body takes over again. It will only be for a couple of months and I'm only taking a very light dose. It was scary but I do actually feel better for being able to sleep at least. I am calmer, but not numb.

Don't be scared to ask for help. Talk to your doctor and see if you can be referred for counselling, that's another source of help, and I personally found it easier to talk to a stranger because the images I had going round in my head were far too awful to share with anybody I love.

Hope you find some peace.
Much love to you.

shabbs · 09/02/2014 08:25

Morning girls xx

diamondlizard · 09/02/2014 08:45

Lily I totally nunderstand why you wouldntake them to help you function
Like you said you wouldnt think twice about painkillers xxxxx
xxx

morning shabbs x

LilyTheSavage · 09/02/2014 09:27

Morning everybody.
How are you today diamond?
Morning shabbs.
Brew

shabbs · 09/02/2014 09:45

I wouldn't take tablets or ask for any help with a counsellor etc etc. Can honestly say that was the most stupid decision I have ever made - and I have made many!!!

About twelve years ago I sat in front of my GP trying to figure out why I felt so ill - mentally and physically. I had a panic attack in front of him - truly thought I would die. He prescribed me beta blockers and said that my nervous system needed 'a rest.' I was determined to not take them.....but here we are 12 years later and I just took my daily tablet.

LoveAndDeath · 09/02/2014 13:42

I find that too, that the build up to the anniversary is worse than the anniversary.

LilyTheSavage · 09/02/2014 15:08

I've got Paddy's 22nd birthday but our first without him on 7th March and then his first anniversary in August. Not looking forward to either of those. But I've just been talking to his best friend and she was wondering if I minded if they had a birthday party for Paddy? I think it's a lovely idea and I shall go because it would be better to be surrounded by his loving friends than sitting on my own. I can mope with them just as easily as mope at home!

HeavenlyE · 09/02/2014 19:50

Hello everyone. Thanks for the messages telling me not to feel guilty. It is such a corrosive emotion and the one I find hardest to 'sit' with. I hate all the 'what ifs' and imagining things had taken a different turn.

Lily do you think your friend who said you were a better actress than she realised will now be more tuned in to how you are really feeling and be more able to support you?

That is lovely that Paddy's friends want to have a 22nd birthday party for him. You may get to hear stories and anecdotes about Paddy that you have not heard before from his friends.

Diamond how are you feeling today? That piece you linked to seems to 'get it'. I am sorry you are feeling pressure to 'move on' - I hate that expression, I don't even know what people mean when they say it.

theday how are you doing?

mias I appreciated your analogy about walking through mountains...though at the moment I feel like I am walking through an endless plain where everything looks the same. Just feel very flat and empty all the time, like I am looking through a grey lens at the world.

I am actually starting counselling tomorrow. Lily I also see it as (hopefully) somewhere I can say the things I don't want to say to friends / family.

diamondlizard · 09/02/2014 21:51

oh thanks for asking guys x

bit better today, not so low

had a row with dh which lead to a big chat about everything
we had a massive talk about ds and all are lovely memories of our short time with him and it was actually really nice

so feel bit calmer today last night slept a bit better too
was only wake from about 3-4am
amazing what a decent ights sleep can help with

actually do you guys have any ideas what we can do on ds1 anniversary?
fancy a day out just us guys and a meal
will take some really special flowers and ballons to the churchyard for ds1 grave
and look at all this things
plus im going to get this crystal star thing to hang in his tree in the garden

so got lots of nice ideas to mark the day in a positive way
but v stuck for ideas for a day out
can only really think of the zoo
any other ideas

its very cold this time of year

LilyTheSavage · 09/02/2014 21:59

Hi heavenly Well done for starting the counselling and good luck. It's a big step in the right direction I think. Also, admitting that you need help is NOT a sign of weakness rather the opposite. I think it's a sign of strength.

diamond I'm going to read all the ideas people give you for marking your DS's anniversary and shamelessly copy. It's Paddy's birthday in March and we'll be dedicating his stone and having a memorial hockey match, but on his actual birthday I shall take a cake to the churchyard for anybody to share.... (when he'd had a bad day at work he'd tell his friend "I'm going home and my mum will make me a cake") We shall also have a birthday party for him. I've said that and am repeating myself. Sorry!

Hope you all get some sleep.
Laters. XX

shabbs · 10/02/2014 06:44

Morning girls xx

LoveAndDeath · 10/02/2014 21:25

Poem for Shabba- The Torchbearer

I waken in the darkness
Frightened and alone
The ground on which I’m lying
Is made of roughened stone

I kneel up in the blackness
And the rocks they cut my knees
I crawl a little forward
Filled with dread and deep unease

I slowly stand and feel the walls
The cave is damp and cold
I walk, my feet are bound with chains
To slavery I’m sold

This is a place where sunlight was
Forgotten long ago
There is no faith or hope or love
No light of moon on snow

I cry aloud expecting that
My cry will not be heard
In this unearthly tunnel
Devoid of beast or bird

When suddenly I hear a sound
An echo or a call?
I call again and far away
I hear some footsteps fall.

A light appears so far ahead
I scarce can see the flame
Then in the gloomy distance
Someone calls out my name

The light it fast approaches
And the torchbearer comes near
And lights the gloomy cavern
With a flickering flame so dear

I heard you call , the bearer says
I too must walk this road
I too must bear the darkness
And carry this harsh load

We will not see the sun again
We will not see the day
But let me cut those chains my dear
We both shall walk this way

Now here’s a branch down on the path
Take it in your hand
Let me light it from my torch
And we shall cross this land

And as the cave is dark
And stony underneath
One foot before the other, dear
And don’t forget to breathe

Once in a while we’ll stop and check
For others left behind
Crawling in the darkness
Sad and dull of mind

And we’ll pick them up and light their flames
As I have done for you
We’ll take their arms and pull them up
And give them friendship too

And hope and pray that and the end
That it will all come right
And at the very last of days
We walk into the light.

chipmonkey

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 10/02/2014 21:38

loveanddeath you always give us exactly the right words. x

LilyTheSavage · 10/02/2014 22:44

loveandeath that's amazing. Did you write it? It says everything.

Love and light. XX

LoveAndDeath · 10/02/2014 23:08

Blush Yes I wrote it. Just for shabs. It's how I think of her.

diamondlizard · 10/02/2014 23:31

Wow chip thats fantastic :)