Thanks for your messages HeavenlyE and Diamondlizard.
Heavenly I am so very very sorry to read of your baby and so recently too. The very early weeks for me were so surreal and I was constantly bombarded with emotions, I can't remember much of it now. It is sad but also a strange comfort to know that we are not alone in this awful journey (although I wouldn't wish it on anyone) Hope that makes sense and is not meant to offend?
From what I know, epiglottis is quite rare isn't it? So you wouldn't have automatically known what to do, I know with my other DC I wouldn't have recognised the breathing you describe as being a worry. I know you will blame yourself and unfortunately it is part of being a parent and part of the grieving process, but it wasn't your fault. It really, really wasn't. I'm sending you a huge hug. I post on a private forum too as although I love MN and I can really relate to the bereavement forum, the ladies here talk so well about their feelings, I've realised that there are others on here who might identify me, and I feel like I don't want to 'out' myself just yet.
Diamond, please don't worry you didn't make me feel worse. Again, I'm sorry you are struggling too. My baby died in hospital after only a few hours so no-one apart from DH, me and my other DC saw her. I feel too that if they'd have seen her, they'd have understood why I am so bereft. I can understand how you feel. I have two other DCS and people expect me to look at how lovely they are and think that I should remember how lucky I am. Yes I am fortunate to have them, but my other baby was a human being in her own right, with her own personality and her own character. That's what I mourn. Seeing her grow up. Just being her.
The fog is awful, isn't it? It suffocates me, sometimes it lifts so I can see a bit clearer, but on the days when it descends, well, I should just write off the whole day.
I think people think that getting over means you've forgotten and drawn a line under what's happened. It makes them feel better. To think that people can triumph over adversities and come out the 'other side'. It makes a nice, neat, happy ending. Like in the films. But, the reality is, there is no getting over, you get on with, you walk with the pain and sometimes you might enjoy things. But that should never be mistaken for closure. And that is what makes me cross.
I'm tired and I don't want to put on a show. I don't wanted to be carted out to the family, with a fake smile, to make them all feel better. It all seems so fake to me and I struggle with doing that. Yet with doing that, I become the one with the problem, the outcast. In a way, I can kind of see how they are thinking because before this happened to me, I had experienced death of relatives, grandparents etc and although very sad, I was able to deal with it a whole lot better and revert to self very quickly. So from an outsiders POV it would seem the same with the loss of a child and I can imagine that although in the past I hope I wouldn't have judged someone, I would maybe start to feel sad for them, but also wonder why they couldn't start to see the joy in life. I get angry with myself for having thought like that.
Have you read 'An Exact Replica…' by Elizabeth McCracken? One of her last lines was that "it's a happy life, but someone is missing' or something like that anyway. I know exactly what she means, like you say, our DC bring us great joy, and we are fortunate for what we do have, but we will also be incredibly sad for the person who is missing.
I'm sorry for the essay. Sending you love. Love to you all xxx