Hello there ladies.
I wanted to say a sad hello and that I'm a several months long lurker on this thread. I've read all the old threads back from years ago up till now and my reason is that I've also lost a child, a baby last year (I don't want to go into detail on here as I've realised that there are people on MN who know me in real life).
I've got other children too and am struggling very much with the whole 'life goes on' attitude around me. Yes you may see me smiling on the outside or looking ok, with make up on and semi-presentable, but inside I'm weary, drained and so very tired of living this pretence. I hate the saying Time Heals. Time doesn't heal in my mind, it takes you further away from the situation. That's all. There's never going to be an 'ok' with the loss of a child, whatever age. I'll learn to live with the grief, to handle the painful days, to deal with the grief bursts, but that does not mean that I'm okay in anyway.
I've heard so many times people say "oh so-and-so lost a baby years ago, it was difficult for a time but they're ok now" and that's supposed to make me feel better. It doesn't.
Tell me ladies, how do you respond to comments like that? Do you say something or silently seethe over it? (I've tended to nod and nod and then walk away feeling hurt and angry). Or is there any point in trying to educate people who mean well, but ultimately have no idea? I've said to family especially how I feel, but even they don't seem to get it, despite their well meaning efforts.
That is what is also so unfair about the whole thing. Not only have we been through the most awful situation, but then we have to deal with peoples attitudes. (Don't get me started on the so called friends who have dropped off the face of the planet, or who have been less than genuine in their efforts to be there).
I guess I'm having a day where I can't put the front on, I'm not going out, I'm going to watch tv, be quiet, my little one is playing (making a great big mess). I just can't do it today. It's like the great thick fog has descended on me and I'm suffocating with the weight of it.
But enough of me, what I wanted to say is that I might not post on here often after this, but I do lurk and read your posts, they resonate with me deeply. I think of you all everyday and the struggles that we all face. If there is anything I have gleaned from all this, it is that life isn't all roses, I used to hear of things happening to other people, feel very bad for them and then go back to my life feeling grateful that it wasn't me. Now I find myself realising that this is my life, I'm jealous of the old me and there is no going back.
I'm sending you all love today and everyday, I wanted to pop by and say hello, and I do draw comfort from your words. xxxx