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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

My husband died

196 replies

minkulus · 05/04/2013 22:09

I have 2DCs. Daughter 8 and son 2 1/2. I have spoken to my Dd about her daddy, but how the hell do I explain it to the 2 yr old.
Dad was away a lot with work so his absence has not been noted yet. What do I do?
Sorry it's a bit blunt but I'm stunned and can't face it.

OP posts:
eminemmerdale · 12/04/2013 23:02

It was a lovely reply. Thank you. I didn't want or mean to hijack, just wanted to say you are doing the best and right thing for your dc, you sound amazing, I have no idea what I would do or how I would be if my dh died, I would totally collapse. You are strong and amazing xxx

chipmonkey · 12/04/2013 23:38

mink, I am so very sorry for your loss. Your dh sounds like an amazing person.
Dont' worry about what other people think about funeral arrangements. You, your dd and ds are your dh's family so just do what seems right for you and your children.
Children all cope in different ways. Your ds is very young now and won't fully grasp what has happened. We lost our daughter when ds4 was three and he really didn't grasp what had happened. Ds1, who was 15, seemed to cope well but now, 18 months down the line, I realised that he was stressing about life and death, so I am going to arrange some counselling for him now. For now, take things one step at a time xx

Original poster
minkulus · 13/04/2013 13:38

Hello . Having a rough day today, tiredness has hit me and feel wobbly. DH family finally coming to visit tomorrow so quite anxious.
Kids are doing ok and seem calm so that's a blessing. Just really need some sleep!

OP posts:
BriansBrain · 13/04/2013 13:41

Get your duvet down and snuggle up on the sofa. Nothing wrong with having a duvet day.

It will do you good to recognise when you need to stop and recharge, grief can be very draining x

xigris · 13/04/2013 13:47

I agree with brian just have a chilled duvet day if you can, Mink. I hope it all goes well with DHs family and you're able to give each other some much needed moral support. Are you eating ok? It might be worth getting yourself a decent multi vit x

Original poster
minkulus · 13/04/2013 14:27

Xxx

OP posts:
Coconutty · 13/04/2013 14:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

theboutiquemummy · 13/04/2013 15:24

Minkulus big hugs really feel for you please try and take of yourself easier said then done I know, why don't you have a duvet day and a movie or try n read a book just to unwind a bit x

Blondeshavemorefun · 13/04/2013 18:40

i am so sorry for your and your children's loss - wtf did the dentist think he was saying that to you for - its not what people say - i mean seriously why would someone just ask that Hmm

the next few weeks/months and even years will be tough, esp as you have children :(

i hope you have someone near you in the RW to be there for you

my dh died 2 years next week and though was suicide - for me i wouldnt say things are easier as such, but you learn to cope

cruse were fantastic for me, so please do get in touch with them and from a friend whose dh died who had children, she said winstons wish was wonderful

much love xx

Manchesterhistorygirl · 13/04/2013 19:38

Hugs sweetheart, try and get some rest tonight. X

eminemmerdale · 13/04/2013 21:29

thinking of you. I hope you can sleep - jus let us know how you are, and anything I can do, pm me xx where are you in the country (if you want to say)

TeaMakesItAllPossible · 13/04/2013 22:58

I'm not surprised you're tired. You've done so much, and been so strong for, this week.

Sending you some virtual strength to help you through tomorrow with your iLs, I imagine that it'll be a very overwhelming day for everyone. Do you have a BF or a parent looking out for you?

Bakingnovice · 13/04/2013 23:13

Another one thinking of you today. Am amazed by your strength. Your Dh sounds just lovely. Please be kind to yourself.

Nat38 · 13/04/2013 23:15

Hi
So sorry for your loss.SadSad
You have my support on MN & in RL, if you need me Ill be there! PM me. I live in Leicester, so a couple of hours away, Ill come to you or you can escape(??), up to you. PM me if you need me!!

Nat38 · 13/04/2013 23:19

Sorry, that was supposed to say "or you can come to me to escape(??!!)
Please do not be offended by my choice of words, I struggle to find the right words!!ConfusedHmmBlushGrin

lemontruffles · 13/04/2013 23:37

Hi Minkulus,
Have just read of your loss, and am so sorry to hear your sad news.

You sound like a strong woman and a wonderful mother. You are doing wonderfully well so far.

My DH died at the beginning of this year so I am recently widowed myself.

I have been surprised at how physically exhausting grief is; please be very, very kind to yourself; eat and drink well; try to get to bed even if you can't always sleep as you will be resting; do as much as you can, then try to rest.

Accept all help that is offered: cooking, cleaning, anything that will support you as you support your children, and yourself.

Keep things simple.

Don't make any major decisions for at least a year.

Make sure you apply for bereavement allowances; there is a special department in the DWP which will take you through the process with kindness.

I have good days and bad days; on bad days I concentrate on getting through in half hour slots. Every day is different so far, but I'm still here, and you will get through too. Flowers

lemontruffles · 13/04/2013 23:41

Oh yes, and your dentist!! I've had some shocking things said to me too: I'm now not surprised by anything!! Sometimes I don't know whether to laugh or cry.......

Hope you have had a decent day with your in-laws.

Original poster
minkulus · 14/04/2013 08:43

Nat38, please don't worry, your message came across beautifully, thank you.
Lemontruffles I'm so sorry. Your loss is so very recent too.Is it ok to send you a message some time. Maybe we can be a support to each other?

I'm nervous this a.m as DH family on their way. Quite a journey for them in so many ways. I just hope I don't say the wrong thing or add to their pain iykwim.
Real life support a bit thin on the ground for this bit, but I will get through it: all the wonderful messages and offers of support from MNetters will be in the back of my mind. Thanks.xx

OP posts:
Manchesterhistorygirl · 14/04/2013 10:17

Sending you supporting thoughts for today.

eminemmerdale · 14/04/2013 10:39

Just seen you are in Cambs. I am in Cambridge - so am near too.

TeaMakesItAllPossible · 14/04/2013 21:09

I hope that the time with your iL was everything you wanted it to be.

I'm sorry you don't have much RL support for this bit. Don't be afraid to turn those offers of MN support to reality at the point you feel you can deal with us.

Thinking about you and your DC.

BriansBrain · 14/04/2013 21:16

I also hope you got everything you needed out of today and its nice to see some MNers near to you offering support.

We are all here when you need us even if its only viral x

Original poster
minkulus · 15/04/2013 09:22

Yesterday went well. We are meeting again today to sort out some more bits and pieces. So sad that after some years of not getting on so well, we are now all pulling in the same direction. The irony and tragedy of lots of families I guess.

OP posts:
Nat38 · 15/04/2013 09:37

So glad that every thing went well yesterday for you.
It is sad that it takes something like this to make people get on a bit better for whatever reasons.

xigris · 15/04/2013 10:13

How are you today, Mink? so glad that it went well with your in laws. X

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