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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

My husband died

196 replies

minkulus · 05/04/2013 22:09

I have 2DCs. Daughter 8 and son 2 1/2. I have spoken to my Dd about her daddy, but how the hell do I explain it to the 2 yr old.
Dad was away a lot with work so his absence has not been noted yet. What do I do?
Sorry it's a bit blunt but I'm stunned and can't face it.

OP posts:

Report

xigris · 11/04/2013 00:41

x

minkulus · 11/04/2013 08:57

Yesterday was still too surreal. My DH looked awful. I didn't really know what to expect. I was alone after all as the f.director had already done I.D.
I felt absolutely numb. They must think I am a heartless bitch. I didn't cry really.
My DD is being sick this morning. She cried a lot last night. She didn't know what I was doing yesterday,but I think the shock of it all is beginning for her. If eel helpless in some ways because I can't protect her from this all.
Why did this have to happen. I am starting to 'feel' it all today. Particularly not helped by criticisms about my choices and ideas for funeral etc.
This certainly brings out people's true personalities.

OP posts:

pebbles1234 · 11/04/2013 09:11

Minkulus, I'm sorry, I havent read the whole thread but just wanted to say how sorry I am and in response to your comment ' I am so scared that I won't be enough for them both. How are they going to grow up without him.'

I lost my dad aged six, and I can still remember the day it happened, I grew up with just my mum and had she was an amazing mum and dad to me, I feel very lucky to have had her and the support she gave, so yes, you are enough for them, just help them to remember him, and share your grief together, we sometimes sat and cried together and we've always talked about him lots. There were times that were hard, occasions where we felt his loss very acutely, but we had each other, as have you and your dc's and we built a new family unit together.

I'd also recommend Cruse who helped my Mum, and indirectly me significantly.

with love to you and your children xx

TheAccidentalExhibitionist · 11/04/2013 09:36

I'm so sorry that people are criticising your choices and ideas for the funeral.
It's up to you and your DC and what you feel is right, will be right.

Family and friends can react very oddly around death and funerals, becoming very rightous (sp?) and stubborn.
Remember, it's not about them, don't let them give you extra worries. Just let their voices flow over you.

whattodoo · 11/04/2013 09:58

Oh Minkulus, I am sorry that this has happened to you.

As another poster said, ask for help from those who have offered.

And ignore those who are questioning your choices - just go with what feels right for you and DCs.

xigris · 11/04/2013 10:03

Oh Minkulus I'm so sorry. You don't need all this aggro on top of everything else. Try to ignore them. This is about you and your children and is a terrible situation, you don't need people making it worse for you. Do you have support in RL? Someone to fight your corner? I think it would be a good idea to go and see your GP who will be able to offer some support to you and your DCs. Keep talking and if you want, ranting on here. We're all thinking of you xx

TeaMakesItAllPossible · 11/04/2013 11:35

I don't think they would have thought you a heartless bitch. They will have seen every reaction under the sauna. With grief there are so many feelings caught up in the process they will see lots of confused and overwhelmed people.

The same with the people around you, the reactions to your plans probably aren't reactions to your plans - it's their grief that is driving their outbursts. Regardless, the primary thing you must focus yourself on is doing what you think is right for your DH. Give him a send off that you can be proud of, that helps your children and befits your love and relationship with you and others. Sometimes explaining why you're doing something will make the noise just go away. Do you have an advocate in RL who can act as go between for you and others? Would the FD be able to help you perhaps?

I'm sorry your emotions are starting to get overwhelming. Unfortunately, you need to get angry, be sad, and all of those other emotions in order to be able to accept that he has gone. All I am trying to say, is it is normal.

Let us know if we can do anything to help

Manchesterhistorygirl · 11/04/2013 17:37

Hugs sweetheart. I well remember attempting to organise fil funeral. Poor dh was shut out of the whole process except for finally being "allowed" a choice of two songs at the crem. We were in holiday when it happened and by the time we flew back four days later, three days after we fund out his house had been emptied of all valuables. Death really does bring out people's true colours doesn't it?

You are doing your very best and you have a very young family to look after along the way so people criticising you at this dreadful time should be ashamed of themselves.

SimplyTes · 11/04/2013 17:51

I remember my mum got lots of 'stick' about the way she coped when dad died. She wore a red dress to the funeral - he loved her in this dress, I remember when Lady in Red came on the radio and mum would burst into tears. She was strong and chose not to explain herself to family who thought it inappropiate to wear anything but black.

I'm so sorry that in RL you are not getting 100% support, you will go through many stages of grief and need people to offer constructive and emotional help, I hope you have some people who can do this. S x

minkulus · 11/04/2013 17:56

Oh Manchester, that's awful. So far it's not been that bad except I'm here doing it all myself and I feel like shouting at some people! I was given no guidance or advice or help despite asking every step of the way what others wanted to happen or how they wanted things handled. All the replies were along the lines of "what you think is for the best". But of course now there are things that aren't right. I feel like giving up but I will not let my DH down.
So many wonderful people both on here and in RL so I mustnt let the doubters pull me down. Thank God for our DCs.keeping me above the water. Xx

OP posts:

Lucyellensmum95 · 11/04/2013 18:17

Your DH will be proud of you minkulus - stay strong xx

Manchesterhistorygirl · 11/04/2013 21:29

No you must not back down! If people couldn't bother their arses helping you make decisions then they cannot then complain they are not happy.

Your dh would be proud of you I'm sure. Still here for you.

BriansBrain · 11/04/2013 22:56

Evening.

There will always be one or two that will pass comment without realising how raw and spiteful they sound.

You are truly amazing and so doing everything you need to do for your family x

My offer of help still stands btw x

minkulus · 12/04/2013 08:54

Thank you so much for your kindness.
Manchester;I love that your mum was strong enough to wear that dress, she knew who mattered in the end.
Briansbrain. Thanks for your continued support.
There will come a time, soon no doubt, when I reach out for those who will guide me. Truly beautiful ladies who have given me strength. Thank you.

OP posts:

TeaMakesItAllPossible · 12/04/2013 08:56

You are a noble, dignified and strong woman. You may not feel it but that is how you appear.

TheAccidentalExhibitionist · 12/04/2013 09:10

I'm thinking of you Minkulus
Sending you strength from France.

eminemmerdale · 12/04/2013 09:21

I am so sorry. My dad died when i was 2 and my sister was 11. Our mother handled it appallingly, from what I can gather and never once discussed him with either of us except in disparaging ways which has caused all sorts of problems for us both. He wasn't a bad man at all by the way, she just didn't seem to like him much!! We never had a photo or a kind word. It sounds as though you are dealing with your children brilliantly. They will be so much stronger for knowing you loved him and that you speak of him often. Keep photographs up and encourage them to talk. We don't even have any grave to visit - she 'got rid' of his ashes. Also, I recommend Cruse - the are fanatastic! i happen to work in the same building as our Cruse offices and my sister has just trained as a Cruse counsellor. When you are strong enough, give them a call. You're doing so well! xx

xigris · 12/04/2013 09:21

Morning Minkulus still thinking of you xx

minkulus · 12/04/2013 12:27

Eminemmerdale, that's so very sad fr your and your sister. I suppose maybe grief affected her in a destructive way, but even if she was angry at him for 'leaving', your loss was so deep. Even though you don't have the physical reminders of him he is part of you, your very flesh so he's there.
Your Dad will always be that,no matter what has come after. Xx

OP posts:

BriansBrain · 12/04/2013 21:31

You are such a lovely person, taking time in every thing you are going through to send such a lovely messege to Emin.

Have another viral hug you wonderful women

thornrose · 12/04/2013 21:45

Mink - I posted early on your thread. My dd lost her dad aged 10. She is now 13 and still struggles with his death.
We had separated but it still hurt like hell to become the only parent.
I made decisions about my dd relating to the funeral which caused friction but I stand by those decisions.
I talk about my dd's dad all the time. Little passing comments, reminders, memories, keeping him alive for her.
She's scared she'll forget him. I will NEVER let that happen.
We get out her baby pictures regularly, she loves the one of her and her dad just after she was born. She said the other day that she can see the love in his eyes.
I cry with her, I show her that I feel his loss too. I tell her what a great dad he was and how he loved her so, so much.
I've been shocked that 3 years on her grief seems just as strong. It's a long haul.
You can do it xx

TeaMakesItAllPossible · 12/04/2013 22:25

Popping on by just to say I'm still thinking of you.

Brian is very right, a wonderful woman finding time to support others in a very dark time. I doff my cap to you

Mumcentreplus · 12/04/2013 22:34

mink just sending my love and hugs to you x

GladbagsGold · 12/04/2013 22:52

I'm so sorry for your loss. You sound like a wonderful mum and wonderful family. Sending you love and strength.

QOD · 12/04/2013 22:56

So sorry mink :(

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