It's now just over two months since Jon passed away and I honestly can't believe that I've managed to get through each day.
Jon's funeral was a blur, my main focus of the day was doing my reading, if I crumbled afterwards then so be it. Jon's family and I all managed our readings without breaking down, it was our love for Jon that got us through it.
We were amazed how many people came to the funeral, around the 300 mark. A mixture of ages and people that he knew, he some of his clients turned up. Which honestly was amazing.
I felt like I was in a gold fish bowl. I know people meant well but I didn't have a moment to myself. I had people saying the wrong thing to me throughout the day, two instances stick in my mind, one person moaned about their wife and I actually told them that they were lucky, harsh but true. Another person told me how excited Jon was when he told her about his proposal to me, and she started talking to me about the wedding planning. I told her it's not something I can listen to, and her response was at least you have your engagement ring and your baby. I've learnt that silence can say a 1000 words.
I still can't quite get my head around the fact that Jon is no longer here, it scares me to think that in time my memory will fade and with each passing year it will be another year without him.
My feelings towards bump have changed massively, before I was worried about resenting the baby and whether we would bound. Now I can't wait to hold my baby in my arms, it's having a sense of purpose that is now driving me. I need someone to love, my love for Jon will never fade but right now I have no where to channel it. I'm almost 33 weeks pregnant and my only objective is to get through my labour without focusing on the fact that Jon should be there with me.
I'm trying to focus my energy in a positive way and I must admit there are days when I do shut the door on the world, but then there are others when I think I need to do this for Jon/bump.
Jon's fundraising page has been live now for just over two months and in that time we've managed to raise just over 17k excluding gift aid. The tributes on the page are so genuine and heart warming. I always worried that when I spoke about Jon I sounded biased but the tributes just confirm everything I ever thought about him and a whole lot more.
The hardest part about losing Jon is that he wasn't just my fiance he was my best friend too, we shared everything and I've lost the better half of me.
Whatty - it is my Jon that your husband was referring to. The support the company have shown myself and Jon's family is truly amazing. Last weekend I found out that they had held a dress down day in Jon's memory and donated the proceeds to his fundraising page and a colleague of Jon's also donated his leaving collection too. It's nice to know that just because Jon is out of sight he isn't out of mind. I've had letters and donations passed on to me from Jon's clients. My boy touched so many hearts.
I want to thank everyone who has posted on my thread and to everyone who has shared their experiences. It really means a lot, and I'm sorry it's taken me so long to say thank you xx