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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

5 months pregnant and my fiance has just passed away

108 replies

Soppykiss · 02/02/2013 23:56

My fiance died two weeks ago and I am just over 5 months. He was diagnosed with cancer the same day I found out I was pregnant. I just don't know if I can do this without him. I've not bought anything for the baby and I really don't know how I feel right now. I'm functioning because I know he would have wanted me to be strong and look after the baby but it's hard.

OP posts:

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Workdrama · 03/02/2013 09:44

He sounds like a lovely man. I'm so sorry for your loss. Remember it is very early days since losing him. Give yourself time. Just take each day as it comes. Don't worry about bonding with the baby yet. In a way, you still have part of Jon with you in the baby.
It isn't the same at all but my mum died when my dd was just 4 months old. She sometimes takes my breath away by giving a look or having mum's mannerisms.
Take care

5madthings · 03/02/2013 12:18

Morning soppy i hope you managed to get some sleep.

Thr collage for life celebration sounds lovely.

Keep posting and one day at a time xxx

Soppykiss · 03/02/2013 12:32

Hi 5madthings - managed to get some sleep.

Been sorting through my photos for the collage and I am off to see my parents soon.

Been trawelling through the internet trying to find out whether I am going to have any issues registering Jon as the baby's father. Looks like I might have to get a court order. So many issues araising to the fact that we weren't married. I can't claim any benefits either - frustrating thing is had we been told that Jon was terminal we would have had our wedding day. Instead we were led to believe it's a blip in his life and he would be fine. I feel so robbed, I'm trying not to be bitter but it just annoys me that his oncologist played god.

OP posts:

5madthings · 03/02/2013 13:17

Its funny you should mentiom the bc thing as i was thinking last night that it would be awkward but agsin you seem to have it all in hand. You say you dont think you can do thus, but you are doing it and i am sure jon would be proud of you :)

It sounds like his drs thought he had a good chance of beating the cancer? If you think it may help you could contact pals at the hospital so someonw can go over everything with you and you should be able to speak to his drs. It may help give you some closure/answeres and if anything about his care or what they said to you wasnt as clear as it should have been it may mean the drs do things differently with future patients. That wont help you but it may help others and be something positive?

I guess the drs were working on a positive outcome but cancer is a bastard and sometimes even with a good prognosis things go wrong :(

I need to go get lunch for my madthings but i am reading, keep posting and i hope you have a nice visit with your oarents, are they local to where you are living?

TrinityRhino · 03/02/2013 13:18

I'm so sorry for your loss

duchesse · 03/02/2013 13:22

I am so sorry about the death of your beloved. Also glad that you have the support of your families. I hope we can be a support as well.

frustratedworkingmum · 03/02/2013 13:23

Jon sounds like an amazing man. How cruel that he was taken away from you :( You have so much love and happiness ahead of you - it will be so so hard but you WILL bond with your baby, you will. You must ask for help when you need it, it should be out there for you, take it. His mum sounds like a lovely lady, let her support you. x

Thumbwitch · 03/02/2013 13:24

So very sorry for your loss and your situation now.
I am glad that you have the support of Jon's parents - I hope that brings you all closer together. I think you will bond well with your baby, even though there will be sadness that Jon isn't there to see the baby born, at least you will have a reminder of Jon with you.

Much love to you. x

Chaoscarriesonagain · 03/02/2013 13:25

soppy I am so terribly sorry for your loss, at such a difficult and emotional time.

You seem to be doubting your courage, but to do all these things; books, just giving, that is incredible, proactive, and strong.

I am so glad your MIL is so lovely, she sounds very caring. Jon sounded an incredible gent, I cried reading it, for your loss, for your baby, and in reading true love, because that is what struck me.

I wish you all the best through this difficult and challenging time. Your child will be the legacy of a wonderful man, relationship, and the love you'll always have.

So sorry x

colleysmill · 03/02/2013 13:26

I'm so sorry - the words seem really clumsy :(

A friend of dhs passed away suddenly when his fiancee was about your stage in pregnancy. I know that she changed her name by deed poll before baby arrived as she really wanted them both to have his name.

5madthings · 03/02/2013 13:32

I thought you would get some more replies in the daytime, mnet may get called a nest of vipers but imo when someone needs support its more like a blanket of love and strength xxx

Lostonthemoors · 03/02/2013 13:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

inmyheadimthequeen · 03/02/2013 13:48

Hi

Like others, I am at a bit of a loss as to what to say but wanted to send you my condolences and best wishes. Already even in your grief you are doing so much to give your child a great sense of what his/her dad was like, you sound like you will be a fabulous mum. Your bond with your son or daughter will happen of its own accord but it takes time for some mums, so if it does for you don't think it will be a permanent thing because what you have isn't what you planned, just keep taking care of yourself and your baby and the bond will grow. Thinking of you - I'd hug you if I could xxxxx

DrPM · 03/02/2013 14:02

Have been thinking about you all day since I read your posts. You are an amazing person. Please don't forget about yourself whilst being strong for others. Take care and be taken care of.

Mehrida · 03/02/2013 14:14

You sound like an amazing person. Have you thought about how lucky he was to have you in your life as well as how fantastic it was for you to have him in yours? Sounds like he was a very loved man and that is going to be one adored little baby when he/she comes along.

No advice really other than trying to take every hour as it comes. Try to be kind to yourself and remember it's ok not to be the strong one sometimes.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 03/02/2013 14:19

I am so sorry to read this. He sounds lovely and you sound so strong (no matter how weak you may feel!) I'm one of the many on here who will be thinking about you over the next few weeks and months. Keep talking. There will always be people here to listen.

On a purely practical level, you said you were struggling to sleep and that the doctor couldn't prescribe you anything. I used a hypnobirthing CD in the run up to DS's arrival and I don't think I ever got more than five minutes into it without falling asleep so it might be worth a try to help you relax. I'm sure I still have it somewhere so PM me your details if you'd like me to send you my copy.

Wereonourway · 03/02/2013 14:31

I can't find any words to express how sorry I am for you.
A previous poster mentioned a name change by deed poll, I think that's a lovely idea.
Your fiancé sounds like such a lovely man and you are obviously a very special, strong lady.
It's heartbreaking that he has been taken away from you like this, there are no words to soothe that pain.
I hope you continue to find strength from each other and please do not worry about your bond with baby, I'm fairly sure you will be an amazing mum and that Jon will be with you every step of the way in your heart.
Ill be thinking of you x

runningforme · 03/02/2013 14:45

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I've no advice to give, just wanted to send a virtual hug xxx

FarelyKnuts · 03/02/2013 16:16

Hi soppy. I just wanted to check in again today to say you are still on my mind and I am thinking of you.

cafecito · 03/02/2013 16:24

I am so sorry to read this my father died when my mother was about 4 months pregnant with me. He was really young and like you, she went through such a horrendous shock.

What I would say, is that she had a lot of support and met a surprising number of people in the same or similar positions, through what was then called 'the one parent family association' and her best friends were met through there, and in adulthood I am still enduring friends with the daughters of other parents she met through that group.

Also - things to do now, would be make a memory box to start building for your baby. Because I only have one picture of my dad and she threw everything away. Also keep in touch with his family and accept support and help even if you don't feel like you need it, lean on everyone. thoughts are with you x

girliefriend · 03/02/2013 16:25

Am so sorry for your loss

Hope you are o.kay, do you mind me asking what kind of cancer was it? Frightening that it was such a short time from diagnosis, you must be in shock.

Thinking of you.

trulymadlydeeply · 03/02/2013 16:58

So very sorry.

Hugs ...

5madthings · 03/02/2013 21:04

I hope you have had a nice days with your parents soppy and that you sleep well tonight, thinking of you xx

magoosmom · 03/02/2013 21:18

Very sorry for your loss hope you're doing ok today x

QOD · 03/02/2013 21:27

I'm sorry, very sad news, there are a couple of mums on here who are sadly in your situation and will be along at some point no doubt.

I have a friend who was widowed at 8 months pregnant with their 2 nd child. The only comfort is that the young one is a happy little soul who accepts that his daddy is the brightest star in the sky. he knows no difference. Whilst that's heartbreaking, he's just accepting of it, as that's how it is.

Life is so unfair. Hugs xx

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