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Original poster

Help please - trying to arrange funeral for my baby is so hard, I don't know what to do

201 replies

ruthlouise · 29/03/2006 15:46

We lost our precious son at 18+3 weeks gestation on 17th March after a prolonged threatened miscarriage. Have finally decided on cremation which will happen on 7th april in the morning but I'm not coping well with the details of it.

I'm coping ok most of the time but this bit is sooo hard Sad. I know he's dead and gone and that's just a body that will be in the coffin but I can't bear the thought of it.

Its been difficult to think about the service because I have a faith (although very shaken now) but dh is a humanist. This afternoon the funeral directors rang to ask what type of service we want. They suggested a universalist which I've okayed. But its all the details like music, poetry etc. Then she asked about dressing him etc and did I want to see him in the chapel of rest. Its doing me in. I desperately want to see him again but i know he won't look how I want him to look.

I haven't a clue about service content, neither has dh who is working away at the moment. I'm afraid of not doing the right thing and regretting it later. I already have so many regrets.

I'm also scare stiff at the thought of the moment when the coffin goes through the curtain at the end of the service. The only other time I've been to a funeral or seen that happen is at my mums nearly 11 years ago Sad

Does anyone have any experience of this or suggestions of music etc?

thank you

OP posts:
Waswondering · 07/04/2006 22:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hulababy · 07/04/2006 22:12

Pleased to hear that you found comfort in today's service. It was such a lovely idea to read Isaac his bedtime story.

gladbag · 07/04/2006 22:17

Ruthlouise, having followed this thread from the start, can I just say how glad I am that today brought you some peace and comfort. I am completely humbled by your strength and heartbreaking eloquence. My thoughts are very much with you and your family xx

blueteddy · 07/04/2006 22:21

I am pleased to hear that you felt comfort from todays service. I admire your strength & felt very moved reading your last post.
Thinking of you.xxx

coggy · 07/04/2006 22:26

Wow! You did really well to read that lovely poem and a perfect bedtime story for Isaac.
You are a very brave mum Ruth.
X X X

quelsouci · 07/04/2006 22:30

I've been thinking of you all day!

donnie · 07/04/2006 22:32

so glad you had the chance to say goodbye to him, the funeral sounds perfect ( if a funeral can be perfect).
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

JanH · 07/04/2006 22:34

ruth, I'm so impressed that you managed to read both the poem and the story. You really are very brave Smile

fransmom · 07/04/2006 22:37

i haven't posted on here before because i haven't known what to say, i lost a baby at 10wks pg and i haven't forgotten her. it was lovely reading about isaac's bedtime story, i just wanted to say that i am thinking of you and your dp/dh and that although i didn't know about today, i am there for you if you need to talk, just like everyone else is on this post. (((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
fransmom XX

ToujoursMarine · 07/04/2006 22:52

Dear ruthlouise, thank you so much for letting us know Isaac's funeral was a helpful, perfect goodbye for you all. You have been so much in my thoughts all day - as you can see, so many people thinking of you XXX

Angeliz · 08/04/2006 13:43

RuthLouise, that post made me really cry.
What a wonderful thing to do to read Isaac a bedtime story. What a choice tooSad

I'm glad that you feel you got the Goodbye you were hoping for and just send you love+++

ggglimpopo · 08/04/2006 15:02

Thinking of you. Isaac is much loved by his parents.

PinkTulips · 08/04/2006 19:58

i'm so glad it went as you hoped pet, your strength throughout the whole pregnancy and isaacs heartbreaking birth and death has been astounding.

remember there are people here for you if you need us in the days and months to come.

love eve

Coolmama · 08/04/2006 20:26

Dearest RL - I am so glad that a small suggestion was such a help - You have been in my heart all week and I truly hope that the service you had brought you both some solace. I don't know nor can I begin to imagine what you have been through, but I do know that your strength and courage will stay with me for a while to come. If you need anything at all in the months to come, just post your name and, I think I can safely speak for all the people who have posted or watched this thread, there will be an answering voice somewhere for you - always. Sending you all the love and gentleness your heart and spirit need right now -

Original poster
ruthlouise · 08/04/2006 22:04

Once again, 'thank you'. I've used those words so often on this thread but they mean so much every time I type them.

We are preparing to go away for a few days so I'm only on here briefly. I'm sorry that I don't have time to respond more fully to some of the things you have posted.
You have said some really lovely things. I shall be re-reading and printing this thread off to put in Isaac's memory box and I'm sure it will make me cry many more times - but not just with sadness, also with a sense of overwhelming appreciation, if that's the right expression, that so many people have expressed so much love, kindness and compassion to us through all of this.
Thank you to those of you who have also offered ongoing support and friendship - We can never tell what the future holds but it does make the journey easier knowing that others are willing to walk with us. There is a saying, 'Do unto others as you would have others do unto you' - Its something that I try to live by and value in my life. I hope that as life moves on I will also be able to give back some of the kindness that I have received. Thank you

ps Pinktulips? Eve2005? Its easy to lose track of people on here...

fransmom ((((hugs))))

OP posts:
me23 · 08/04/2006 22:11

you are so brave, what a special goodbye you have given your son.
wishing you every happiness in future
(((hugs))) x

Mummia · 09/04/2006 01:26

Havn't been able to post before but wanted to say how moved I have been by your posts ruthlouise, you have been so courageous I really don't know how you do it. It sounds like Isaacs funeral was a very moving "au revoir" and am pleased you were able to read to him. I hope you and your DH manage to find some peace while you are away.

PinkTulips · 09/04/2006 11:28

hi ruth, yes eve2005. wasn't sure if you'd still been reading aug thread when i name changed. haven't posted on this thread til now as i counldn't think of anything to say that could possibly be any help to you Sad

just wanted to let you know you and your family are in my thoughts constantly, your strength has been insprirational throughout this ordeal.

hugs to you, mark and lydia {{{{{{hug}}}}}}

006 · 09/04/2006 16:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

allyco · 10/04/2006 10:03

ruthlouise - am still thinking of you, your family, and Isaac, as I'm sure are many others of us.

xx

triplets · 10/04/2006 15:53

Hello Ruthlouise,
I have been away so have just caught up with you. I am sure that little Isaac heard his mums voice read him that story, what a brave and lovely thing to do.It will be hard going away, I remember how difficult I found leaving here, coming home to an empty house, nobody sitting in the back of our car asking if we are nearly there yet.................and now here I am, much older, with three in the back all asking when we are going to get there! Still find myself looking for him in the wing mirror.......... go forward, have courage, and enjoy the beauty of the sunshine soon, xxxxxxx

Original poster
ruthlouise · 19/04/2006 20:21

For those of you who are still watching this thread, just wanted to let you know we are doing okay. Our break away was restful and refreshing - it was good to have time together. Life is beginning to return to 'normal' for us. We are putting a number of plans for the future together as has been suggested so that we have some positive things to look forward to.

I recognise this thread has come to a natural end but just wanted to say that if you are someone who has come across this thread, perhaps through a search of the archives or similar then I assume you are also going through some very sad times yourself related to baby bereavement. Please feel free to CAT me if I can be of any help or I encourage you to post a new thread for support as there are so many wonderful people on MN who I am sure would be only too willing to help you.

Take care
much love Ruth

OP posts:
soapbox · 19/04/2006 20:31

Ruthlouise - don't feel that because your Isaac's funeral has passed that you can't come on MN and talk about him:)

I still think often about some of the MNers who have lost children and partners. Marina's Tom and Triplet's Matthew and Bubble's Bo and KATG's DH. It's nice to see them move on and post on other threads but nice too to remember their children with them at difficult times. Of course, they are often there with a kind word for those that are themselves recently bereaved which is all part of the circle of life really:)

Take care of yourself and do keep in touch:)

JellyNump · 19/04/2006 23:08

ruthlouise - i'm really sorry to hear about your baby and i know its past the funeral now, but i let balloons go for my son, one for each day of his life and then on his first birthday a few weeks back, we let another balloon go from our garden. I wish you well for the future

Marina · 19/04/2006 23:19

Ruthlouise, I for one have been wondering how your time away went and how you are now and as you can see lots of us were! It is good of you to update us and I can only echo Soapbox, don't be a stranger to us all on Mn now. This site's breadth and liveliness means that whether you want to remember and be sad, or enjoy silliness or debate, there is always someone to talk to and welcome you.
One of the ways I have tried to find some meaning in the arbitrariness of Tom's death has been to try and turn my grief, in time, to trying to help other people living with the death of a baby. From everything you have posted, I can imagine that you will be a wonderful support to anyone facing this grimmest of bereavements, and a real help to them :).