Help please - trying to arrange funeral for my baby is so hard, I don't know what to do

[ruthlouise]

We lost our precious son at 18+3 weeks gestation on 17th March after a prolonged threatened miscarriage. Have finally decided on cremation which will happen on 7th april in the morning but I'm not coping well with the details of it.

I'm coping ok most of the time but this bit is sooo hard . I know he's dead and gone and that's just a body that will be in the coffin but I can't bear the thought of it.

Its been difficult to think about the service because I have a faith (although very shaken now) but dh is a humanist. This afternoon the funeral directors rang to ask what type of service we want. They suggested a universalist which I've okayed. But its all the details like music, poetry etc. Then she asked about dressing him etc and did I want to see him in the chapel of rest. Its doing me in. I desperately want to see him again but i know he won't look how I want him to look.

I haven't a clue about service content, neither has dh who is working away at the moment. I'm afraid of not doing the right thing and regretting it later. I already have so many regrets.

I'm also scare stiff at the thought of the moment when the coffin goes through the curtain at the end of the service. The only other time I've been to a funeral or seen that happen is at my mums nearly 11 years ago

Does anyone have any experience of this or suggestions of music etc?

thank you

Well, I thought I was doing well until I hugged the cloth and kissed the teddy that is going in my sons coffin

You've every right hun. Take heart and be strong. Your Angel just got his wings early. Warm hugs sent you and your families way. xxx

Dear Ruthlouise - I just want to add my thoughts and prayers - your strength and courage truly humble me. Lots of poems and readings for the funeral and srvice etc, but this one is for you.

Keep Thy Face Towards the Sunrise

Behold I have sentt thee out alone.
but I have gone before to prepare thy way;
even through the darkness to bear a light.
I ask thee only to follow Me,
for I will surely lead thee in a safe path.
Yea, I will be thy protection:
I will be thy comfort.
I will be thy joy.
I will turn the bitter tear to sweet perfume.
By my Spirit, I will mend thy broken heart.
I will pour warm, fragrant oil into the deep wound.
For My heart is fused with thy heart,
and in thy grief I am one with thee.
Yea I will fill the empty place.

My arms shall hold thee and
thy shall not fall
Yea, I will surely keep thee,
and thou shall not know fear.
I shall hide thee in my pavilion.
Thou shall have My constant care.
I will not leave thee for a moment.
I will keep thee from despair:
I will deliver thee from confusion.

Keep thy face towards the sunrise,
for He shall rise fresh daily in thy soul
with healing in His wings.

I hope these words cradle you with as much gentleness as they did for me.

Ruth you ARE doing well.
Crying over your Isaac's cloth and teddy is a good thing. It helps you to release a little bit of the dreadful hurt and pain that you are going through at this horrible time.

Don't be hard on yourself.
X

Ruthlouise I do not know any words that would bring any comfort to you but I have read this thread and can only offer my deepest sympathy and to let you know that my thoughts are with you and your dh.xxx

Manoo I hope everything went as you had wished today - my prayers are with you also at this sad time. xxx

I really don't know what I believe anymore. There was a time when I had a very strong faith. I know several of you have said I could CAT you but I really don't know what to say. I feel I just have to try and get through this as best I can until the grief subsides (which it has been doing) and the precious memories (those first tiny kicks and those moments holding Isaac after the birth) act as a healing balm over the pain.

I ordered a tiny posy of flowers to go on the coffin today - I know it doesn't really make any difference to Isaac but I just need to feel I have 'cared' for him and there are so few opportunities to do that.

Coolmama - its a lovely poem. Thank you

Ruthlouise, i dont want to seem patronising but i read your posts with tears in my eyes everytime. You really are a very brave lady keep strong sweetheart i know its not easy xx

I think Waswondering said it perfectly when she said to worry about what you believe later - what you should focus on now is what you need to do to get through each day - if you need to cry over a teddy, do it. If you want to read a bedtime story at the funeral, do it, If you need to go outside and shout at the moon, do it. If you want to rant and rave and scream and shout until your mascara runs and your eyes swell and your throat is hoarse from yelling, do it. and once you have done all that - ( forget about what the "right" thing is - you are the only one who decides that - )once you have done all that and you find a quiet stillness in your heart, then will your faith and soul guide you to a peaceful place. My heart is with you.

Sometimes I think there is too much 'stillness'. I have no 'pastoral' support.
I am not a loud angry person. I don't think 'why me?' or 'it's not fair', I accept death is part of life and love is a precious thing despite the pain it causes.

Did anyone read a bedtime story at their babies funeral?

No, we didn't, as it happens, but that sounds like a lovely idea if that is what you want ruthlouise. I felt a bit self-conscious having Away in a Manger (scorching September sunshine) but I wanted it and it felt right on the day.
So sorry you are finding the silence hard and that the Thanet Group locally has folded. XXX
I posted on here a lot, I can tell you...

Toujours - I hadn't thought about a bedtime story it was just that Coolmama mentioned it in her post. I suppose I am just thinking about all the things we will never do with Isaac...
It would be hard to find an appropriate short story anyway.

I just wanted to say how astonishingly brave you're being, ruthlouise. I have tears in my ears reading all this wonderful support for you and your responses. I'm sure that Isaac's funeral, although very painful, will help you and your dh. It sounds like you have planned a perfect and touching tribute to your son.

Just want to send my love and support, ruthlouise.
And love to Manoo, too. xxxxxxxxxx

Ruthlouise - just wanted to you to know my thoughts and sympathies are with you and I'll be thinking of you on Friday. I'm sure one day you'll be blessed with the lovely memories of the special day you've made for Isaac and you'll be so glad you've made it so nice for him. He'll be playing in the babies garden now, keeping your mum busy. If you feel you need to see him before his funeral - go see him.

My thoughts are with all the others who've lost their loved children as well. You're all so brave.

My friend lost her little girl who was 7. All her school friends decorated a helium balloon with their thoughts on their friend, after the church service they were all let go into the sky -it was so sad but lovely at the same time watching 20+ balloons fly away.

im useless at saying something comforting and am always scared of saying something wrong. i have read this thread and it has made me cry.

what a horrible time for you and your family. i really dont know what to say but my thoughts are with you and i hope things will start to get easier for you soon . im sure the ceremony will be lovely and im sending all my love you poor thing xxxx

ruthlouise- i have read this thread and not know what to say so i have said nothing.but i want you to know that i am thinking of you and your family at this incredibly sad time and hoping that you manage to get through all this in the best possible way.
x

Thanks again everyone. Its funny how you all think I'm brave, actually I'm just human and there isn't really a choice is there? The thing which has made such a difference and been so helpful is all the kind words you've posted. When I first posted my original message, I never dreamed that so many people would care enough to post here and give so much ongoing support. I will always be grateful for this.

As far as the bedtime story is concerned, I'd like to read one - I know its the only opportunity I'll have to do that - I have the 'guess how much I love you' book (which was a great suggestion) but I think in reality it would be too much to bear on the day. I have the 'precious tiny one' poem which I would like to read but think that will be hard enough on its own.
I took the muslin wrap and teddy over to the funeral parlour today and that was harder than I expected. I didn't see Isaac, I know i shan't again. I'm grateful for the photos that I have of him how he was.

THINKNIG OF YOU ALL RUTHLOUISE.

cx

Ruthlouise, You are very brave even if you can't see it....we all admire you so much.
I'm so pleased Issac has the teddy and muslin - what a lovely idea. The bedtime story is a wonderful idea but I can see how emotional it will be for you to read it.

Thinking of you.

ruthlouise I've also been keeping up with this thread but haven't posted before, a case of not knowing what to say I suppose.

Some of the other posts have been so lovely they have nearly made me cry (and I never do that).

Will be thinking of you and your family over the next days.

xx