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Original poster

Help please - trying to arrange funeral for my baby is so hard, I don't know what to do

201 replies

ruthlouise · 29/03/2006 15:46

We lost our precious son at 18+3 weeks gestation on 17th March after a prolonged threatened miscarriage. Have finally decided on cremation which will happen on 7th april in the morning but I'm not coping well with the details of it.

I'm coping ok most of the time but this bit is sooo hard Sad. I know he's dead and gone and that's just a body that will be in the coffin but I can't bear the thought of it.

Its been difficult to think about the service because I have a faith (although very shaken now) but dh is a humanist. This afternoon the funeral directors rang to ask what type of service we want. They suggested a universalist which I've okayed. But its all the details like music, poetry etc. Then she asked about dressing him etc and did I want to see him in the chapel of rest. Its doing me in. I desperately want to see him again but i know he won't look how I want him to look.

I haven't a clue about service content, neither has dh who is working away at the moment. I'm afraid of not doing the right thing and regretting it later. I already have so many regrets.

I'm also scare stiff at the thought of the moment when the coffin goes through the curtain at the end of the service. The only other time I've been to a funeral or seen that happen is at my mums nearly 11 years ago Sad

Does anyone have any experience of this or suggestions of music etc?

thank you

OP posts:
madamechocolat · 06/04/2006 17:06

Will be thinking of you all tomorrow x

muma3 · 06/04/2006 17:12

thinking of you for tmw and am sending my love your way xxxxxxx

olivo · 06/04/2006 20:07

Ruth, will be thinking of you and your family tomorrow x

Coolmama · 06/04/2006 20:15

I don't have the right words and for you and your family - I only hope it will help knowing that we are holding you close in our hearts, thoughts and prayers -

monkeytrousers · 06/04/2006 20:25

x

BettySpaghetti · 06/04/2006 20:32

Like so many people I have read this thread, fought back tears and not known what to say.

There is nothing I can say other than I'm thinking of you and everyone else who has gone through this.

x

lockets · 06/04/2006 20:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rubles · 06/04/2006 22:18

Ruthlouise, when you are there tomorrow you realise there are hundreds (and more hundreds?) of women around you in spirit. xxxx

Aero · 06/04/2006 22:30

Been following this - my thoughts are with you tomorrow RuthLousie. x

penpal · 06/04/2006 22:47

Ruthlouise, so sorry, my heart aches for you and you brought tears to my eyes. I lost what would have been my third (and final) baby last May at 22+ weeks, it was thought to be due to a knot in the cord which tightened around my baby's neck and, well, you can imagine. I didn't name my baby or have a ceremony, I did go to the hospital's Chapel for the service of unborn babies. I had quite a bad time with the labour, retained placenta hence surgery etc so was pretty raw physically. I felt I was on another planet. And I was for months, literally. Everyone said how well I was coping. However it is the later milestones that hurt just as much, due date, Christmas, holidays, date you found out there may be a problem, date the baby died, date of induced labour, date of actual labour, year since all those dates....

I plan to have my own little memorial ceremony at a special garden of remembrance for unborn babies at my (very) local cemetary. May even take my DD aged 6 (nearly 7 now) as she was so very upset to lose the baby too. In fact she was more of a rock to me than my husband. Men are too matter of fact, done dusted, get on with life....

You be as strong or as fragile as you need to be. I was strong at the time as everyone says I am strong. I'm not. I still cry every day about my poor baby. It has changed me as a person dramatically, for many reasons.

Just do what you feel is right for you at this time. Nothing will be wrong or incorrect, just go by your own instinct to make sure you have no regrets.

MNHQ
carriemumsnet · 06/04/2006 23:05

Thinking of you here at MNHQ. Probably too late now, but one thing about the service - and someone else may have suggested this - if you don't want them to close the curtain, they don't have to. I couldn't cope with that either at my mum's service - preferred to just leave the coffin. I know losing a child must be so much harder and all of us at MNHQ send all our love to you, your dh and all those on this thread who've experienced this kind of loss.
God Bless

threelittlebabies · 06/04/2006 23:07

Thinking of you and Isaac tomorrow ruthlouise, wishing you strength and peace xxx

bubble99 · 06/04/2006 23:07

Thinking of you for tomorrow. X

Spacecadet · 06/04/2006 23:14

thinking of you tomorrow.
xx

PollyLogos · 07/04/2006 06:30

I will be thinking of you and dh today ruthlouise. x

izzybiz · 07/04/2006 08:01

Thinking of you and your family today.xx

Saggarmakersbottomknocker · 07/04/2006 08:02

Thinking of you today X

catrin · 07/04/2006 08:30

Thinking of you x

flashingnose · 07/04/2006 08:37

Ruthlouise and everyone else on this thread who has experienced such grief, my heart aches for you Sad.

Thinking of you and your family today x

HellKat · 07/04/2006 08:41

Thinking of you & dh today hun xxxxxx

Filyjonk · 07/04/2006 08:42

been following this

thinking of you today, ruthlouise.

am so sorry that such an thing could happen.

filyjonk xxx

MamaG · 07/04/2006 09:30

Thinking of you today xxx

puppy · 07/04/2006 09:34

Thinking of you and your family today ruthlouise. xxx

PinkTulips · 07/04/2006 10:32

thinking of you and mark today pet,

eve {{{{hug}}}}

hunkermunker · 07/04/2006 10:32

Oh, sweetheart Sad Words aren't enough, but am thinking of you today x x x