Help please - trying to arrange funeral for my baby is so hard, I don't know what to do

[ruthlouise]

We lost our precious son at 18+3 weeks gestation on 17th March after a prolonged threatened miscarriage. Have finally decided on cremation which will happen on 7th april in the morning but I'm not coping well with the details of it.

I'm coping ok most of the time but this bit is sooo hard . I know he's dead and gone and that's just a body that will be in the coffin but I can't bear the thought of it.

Its been difficult to think about the service because I have a faith (although very shaken now) but dh is a humanist. This afternoon the funeral directors rang to ask what type of service we want. They suggested a universalist which I've okayed. But its all the details like music, poetry etc. Then she asked about dressing him etc and did I want to see him in the chapel of rest. Its doing me in. I desperately want to see him again but i know he won't look how I want him to look.

I haven't a clue about service content, neither has dh who is working away at the moment. I'm afraid of not doing the right thing and regretting it later. I already have so many regrets.

I'm also scare stiff at the thought of the moment when the coffin goes through the curtain at the end of the service. The only other time I've been to a funeral or seen that happen is at my mums nearly 11 years ago

Does anyone have any experience of this or suggestions of music etc?

thank you

ruthlouise.I am so very sorry for the loss of your baby boy, my healthy baby boy died during full-term labour last year due to medical negligence. His twin brother survived and is now a happy and healthy 13 month old. Baby Bo was cremated and it was the saddest day of my life. My heart was, and still is broken in a way that will never fully recover.I've watched some 'heavy' TV tonight about death and dying and have found myself in floods of tears.

We chose not to have any readings, music or hymns at the crematorium and the only people present were my husband and I and Bo's twin brother. We wanted to say goodbye and see him on his way with some dignity and I personally couldn't stand the piped organ music that was playing until we asked them to switch it off. I also didn't want to hear any 'God is good' crap because he wasn't around to save my son from a totally unnecessary death.

I'm not sure what else to say, but I hope whatever you choose brings you some comfort.

XX

I'm so sorry about Isaac's death, Ruthlouise. I lost my daughter two years ago when I was 19 weeks pregnant, and she is buried with my mother.

A friend lent me a book called "Pregnancy Loss: A Silent Sorrow" which has suggestions for music and readings. The music suggestions are grouped into Classical, Popular, and Christian Hymns/Spirituals. I'd be happy to copy out any of the lists for you if that would be any help. The readings are grouped into old and new testament - again, if you'd like references I'd be very happy to help.

i am so very sorry for you and your husband ruuth. i have never been through this alte a m/c, only an earlier one. but i am thinknig of you and your dh and isaac.

cx

so sorry for your loss my prayers and thoughts are with you.

I'm so sorry .... no advice just sending my support and prayers to you and your dh.

Please take care you are both brave and special people. xx

so sorry...XX
if it helps, yo can ask the understakers to do as much as possible, they do understand these things. When my nephew died it was along church service and buria, which i found terribly long. if a short and simple service suits you then do that, after all its for you and the family to send him off, so dont worry about anyone else. as for seeing him again, it is a hard decsion, ive always said no, even to my own son, i just couldnt have that memory.
youll get through it, just take each day as it comes.
XX

ruthlouise, I am really so sorry if quoting the Jennings poem upset you, in your circumstances I can see entirely why it's not suitable.
Eeek, the funeral you arranged sounded really lovely. We chose no flowers but have a crab-apple tree for Tom in the garden - an idea copied from Triplets.
Ruthlouise, I have been thinking about you all a lot since I was last online. I think Eeek's idea of having people you are very close to at the funeral is a very good piece of advice. It meant having my parents, who were not really in favour of a funeral :( or even acknowledging Tom as a real baby :( :( (generational thing, they didn't mean it), but also a close friend who sang a lullaby for him and is now a mum herself - and we are godmother to each other's subsequent babies, and other church friends who quietly turned up and bore witness to Tom's brief life. Ds' godfather even flew down from Scotland. Those people still remember Tom and that means such a lot to us.
My faith wobbled hugely after Tom's death too. The priest who did his funeral and was a rock for us quoted these words to me from Julian of Norwich:
He said not: "Thou shalt not be tempested, thou shalt not be travailed, thou shalt not be afflicted"; but he said: "Thou shalt not be overcome."
I found some hope in those words although it took me a while.
Sending you lots of love XXX and hoping that dh is back from his work trip soon. Is there anyone else around to keep you company while he is away?

Thinking of you all Ruthlouise.

xxx

I don't think I mentioned previously that our little boy was perfect. It was pregnancy complications which caused the m/c. I developed a rare condition called a sub-amniotic bleed at 12.5 weeks and although he continued to grow and develop for the next 6 weeks, in the end the haemorraghing became so bad that, despite bedrest, it caused me to go into labour.

bubble - I'm glad you mentioned the pipe music - wouldn't want that either.

so sorry to hear of more tragic lives lost and the lingering pain - until you are in this boat, it really is impossible to understand isn't it. I had no idea. I'm sorry.

toujoursmarine and Jamiesam - don't worry - u didn't upset me - all these things help me to think things through. I liked the idea of a tree but 2 weeks before m/c we bought and planted 7 fruit trees in our garden!

Mrs Darcy, thank you for the offer to copy those lists. The lady will be here shortly to talk about the service. I have lots of thoughts from this thread and a bit better idea of what to expect so am hoping to get something fairly appropriate sorted this afternoon. I think music will be the hardest bit now as I didn't recognise several of the pieces recommended here and can't find anything appropriate myself.

I think as the service will just be for dh, myself and possibly one other, a humanist style would be more appropriate. My faith would say that if God exists, he would still accept Isaac regardless of whether we did it 'right' here. TJ and Eeek you are probably right about having people you are close to present at the service but family politics makes it difficult.

Ngb - thank you - I was so pleased to see your house sale and purchase came together before I left the antenatal thread. Please send my love to the other ladies

ruthlouise - I had to respond to this thread to offer my sincere condolences to yourself, your DH and your entire family on the loss of Isaac.

I know only too well the awful pain you are experiencing at the moment as we lost our precious little boy, Adam, 18 months ago at 23 weeks. It is a time I will never forget, although it is also a time that has made us who we are now. Adam will always be an important part of our lives - he is just not here to share it with us.

After Adam was born we were able to spend some time with him - time that is now very precious to us as we did not get the opportunity to see him again. Adam was born on a Friday, after which we had a post mortem carried out. We were able to leave a little white blanket to wrap him in and a little teddy to put in the coffin with him. We also had photographs taken of Adam after he was born and a certificate from the hospital stating date and time of birth, length, weight, hand prints and foot prints etc. All very precious reminders of our son.

We had a private funeral service in out home on the Monday attended by myself, DH, my Mum, PIL, one couple who are very close to us and one cousin plus our local minister. Our minister put together a little Order of Service for the funeral of a child which is again a very precious possession. Adam is now buried with his grandad in our local graveyard and every Sunday after church DH and I go to visit his grave. I planted quite a few crocus, daffodils and minature tulips on it this year and it was wonderful to see them blooming, just as I would have expected Adam to do had he been born into this world.

I received many cards and letters after we lost Adam and I spent a long time finding the right box to put these all into along with his photographs and hospital birth certificate. I also bought a decoration for out Christmas tree which we call Adam's Santa and that also stays in the box.

It is true that time does heal but that you never forget but the wound is still very raw - it only takes something minor to open it up again. I still cry for my son and I expect I always will, but I have to believe that God had greater plans for Adam in heaven than we ever could have had for him here on earth or I would never have got through his loss.

If there is anything I can help you with or if you just want to talk, please get in touch and I will try to help you through what I know is one of the greatest pains any parent can suffer.

"Our darling son, so longed for but only briefly lent. Returned to God with everlasting love"

Wendy - as I read your post it was amazing to read something so similar to how I feel and felt. We also bought a Christmas tree decoration for Billy - a little santa with a B on the front.

I know that's a way off Ruth but the memory box and little things like that mean a massive amount. I looked through our memory box a couple of days ago - sometimes it makes me smile and sometimes it makes me cry alot but I am so glad that we have it.
What a lovely idea to print off this thread - I wish I had discovered MN sooner.

Hi

This Poem has always brought me much peace:-

A ship sails and I stand watching till she fades on the horizon and someone

at my side says She is gone

Gone where? Gone from my sight, that is all. She is just as large now as

when I last saw her. Her diminished size and total loss from my sight is in

me, not in her.

And just at the moment when someone at my side says she is gone there are

others who are watching her coming over their horizon and other voices take

up a glad shout There she comes!

That is what dying is.

• Bishop Brent -

I definitely intend to put a memory box together, thank you. We have a few bits to go in it including Isaacs birth tag with his details and feet and handprints, we also have a couple of photos which dh took on his mobile. Today I bought two tiny 'me to you' teddies - one to be cremated with Isaac and one to keep. may well buy a christmas tree ornament as well as has been suggested - thought that was a lovely idea

Have finally decided on a few little poems including the 'little snowdrop' poem 'If tears could build a stairway' and another which I found on the SANDS website called 'O precious tiny one' (see below) - I'd like to read this myself but am not sure I'd be able to on the day (it makes me cry now). For music we've decided to have Brahms lullaby playing softly throughout.
dh will carry the coffin in to the service and have asked that it stays in the room whilst we leave. Will also take a few small flowers to put on the coffin as has been suggested. The service will be short and gentle - I think that is all that we can cope with.

This thread has really helped me think things through and given me a sense of peace even though the pain is of course still there.
thank you again to everyone who has contributed and been willing to share your personal sad experiences to help us at this time of sorrow.

IF TEARS COULD BUILD A STAIRWAY
AND MEMORIES WERE A LANE
I WOULD WALK RIGHT UP TO HEAVEN
TO BRING YOU HOME AGAIN
NO FAREWELL WORDS WERE SPOKEN
NO TIME TO SAY GOODBYE
YOU WERE GONE BEFORE I KNEW IT
AND ONLY GOD KNOWS WHY
MY HEART STILL ACHES WITH SADNESS
AND SECRET TEARS STILL FLOW
WHAT IT MEANT TO LOSE YOU
NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW

O precious, tiny little one,
You will always be to me
So Perfect, pure and innocent
Just as you were meant to be:

We dreamed of you and your life
And all that would be,
We waited and longed for you to come
And join our family

We never had the chance to play,
To laugh, to rock, to wiggle
We long to hold you, touch you now
And listen to your giggle,

I'll always be your Mum,
He'll always be your Dad,
You will always be our child,
The child that we had,

But now you're gone...
We'll sense you everywhere:
You are our sorrow and our joy
There's love in every tear.

Just know our love goes deep and strong.
We'll forget you never.
The child we had, but never had
And yet will have forever.

HOW VERY SOFTLY YOU TIPTOED INTO MY WORLD
ALMOST SILENTLY,
ONLY A MOMENT YOU STAYED;
BUT WHAT AN IMPRINT YOUR FOOTSTEPS
HAVE LEFT UPON MY HEART.

Coggy, Toujoursmarine and Wendy11 - thank you for your kindness and for offering me the opportunity to CAT you for further support. At the moment I feel I just need to get through the service and feel we have received a lot of help towards that from this thread but will keep you in mind if that's okay.
thank you

Ruth - what lovely poems and especially 'Oh precious one'. I think I will print that one off for myself - the sentiment is just perfect.

Your service for Isaac sounds beautiful.
I am sure that you will find the strength that you need, although it often doesn't feel like it. I have had a particularly bad few days coming up to 10 months since my Billy was born.

Some days are 'normal' some are not.
The funeral was a really good way for us to say goodbye and I felt that it was all very peaceful.

I think about you and your dh every day. And especially so next Friday.

Take care of each other,
X

Hello ruthlouise

I lost my son at 17 weeks gestation on 6th March, and his funeral is tomorrow (Monday) morning. I'm too sad right now to write much that is meaningful but I just wanted to offer you my sympathy and love.

I understand you wanting to 'run away' and not go - that's how I've been feeling as the day approaches. I'm nervous and desperately sad, but I'm hoping the formal chance to say goodbye will be helpful to dh and I in some way. You'll be in my thoughts on the 7th.

Manoo - you and your dh will be very much in my thoughts tomorrow.
X

Hello Ruthlouise,
I haven't been able to read all the threads as they had me in tears. I am so so sorry for you and your son and what has happened. I lost my twin girls at 20 weeks in July 2003 and it is still very hard for me and my dp to deal with. We also had to have a funeral for them but I was just so numb that I couldn't take anything in at all. We left all the arrangements up to the hospital chaplain. We had no family or friends there. On reflection I wish I could have "done" something, but as I said I spent the whole time in a numb state.
I can't really talk about it much more but I wanted to say that I also live in Kent and was able to receive very extensive counselling at the QEQM hospital - are you anywhere near there? There is also a local branch of SANDS that meets every Wednesday night, I believe. If I can help in any way, please do get in touch.
You will be in my thoughts. You never ever expect to have to go to a funeral when you embark on a pregnancy, it is unbearably cruel.
xx

The arrangements you have made sound so right and fitting for Isaac, ruthlouise, those are very touching readings. You are all in my thoughts and so are you Manoo.
The funeral is hard to get through but I promise you that you will not regret saying goodbye in this way. I found the day swang between being manageable, even "ordinary" at odd moments (everyone coming back for tea at ours and ds bouncing home from nursery) and deeply sad. But I am still glad we did it. Wishing you both lots of love and strength and hoping roseyposey's message helps you ruthlouise - I found SANDS branch support very helpful, but I only got in touch a few months later. They are there for you whenever - now, or a year on, or even later.

Your arrangements and choices sound really fitting. Thinking of you.

The little snowdrop poem brought tears to my eyes. It's beautiful. I wish you all the courage in the world to get through this terrible time, ruthlouise. Bless you, your dh & little Isaac. Will be thinking of you on Friday.

Manoo - I hope tomorrow helps you place a 'marker stone' down on this sad time in your life. The lady who will be taking our service on Friday painted a beautiful picture in my mind of our little boy healthy, full of life, running and laughing freely with other children in a place beyond this earthly realm. I don't know what your beliefs are (not sure about mine at the moment either) but the thought of my son as a carefree toddler laughing with friends in the sunshine in a beautiful place did bring me some comfort. Perhaps you could 'see' your little one in a happier way, separated for a little while but not forever? It helps me to also imagine my mum looking after Isaac. I will be thinking of you tomorrow. Take care, with love and a big hug X

Roseyposey - I am sorry to hear about the loss of your little girls. I can't ever find adequate words when MNers share their sad stories but my heart aches for each of you.
yes, I know the QEQM well (I hope they didn't put you in the same freezing delivery room where I had Isaac) - It was a horrendous experience. Have also asked to speak to the counsellor and am hoping this will help bring peace regagarding all the unanswered questions. I contacted Sands but was told there was nothing in this area.

Again, thank you to each and everyone of you who has posted messages of support. It is good to know that although our service will be very small, there are others who will be with us in thought and spirit on Friday. Thank you. X Ruth

Dear ruthlouise,

I have found the info re. the local support group - it's called the Thanet Baby Bereavement Support Group (sorry, thought it was SANDS). I remember ringing them c. 2 years ago as I felt desperate to talk to someone who had an idea of how I felt; I spoke to a very kind-sounding woman called Wendy. If the group is still up and running (and I believe it was set up several years ago so presume it is), you can call her on: 01843 296771. There is another woman's name given on the leaflet: Linda on 01843 223576. They say: "We offer a befriending service to bereaved parents and a monthly group meeting. This is on the first Tuesday of every month from 7.30pm to 9.30pm at Stimson House, Eastern Esplanade, Cliftonville". I never went along as at that time was living in a different part of Kent and as my dp wasn't keen on going, I didn't fancy a long drive on my own at night.

Re. the counselling - you shouldn't have to wait. I was referred immediately after my m/c to Sandra Lawrence at the QEQM. I expect you feel too exhausted to do anything at the moment, but if you are keen to start it asap, you could either go via GP (will prob take ages) or via the midwives at QEQM who were involved with Isaac's birth. She is actually a psychodynamic psychotherapist (but her job title is Women's Health Counsellor); I found her style of working very, very challenging - but you may find it very useful. It did help me in some way.

I hope I haven't bombarded you with information. Take care of yourself, xx

BeckiF and 006 - Although we're not using it at the funeral, I have also found the ship poem helpful in feeling that Isaac is not alone

Roseyposey - The 'thanet baby bereavment group' folded last summer. I actually think I am coping quite well at the moment. Each day is a bit better (I know Friday will probably be a bit of a sad blip [understatement!])The support I've received from Mumsnet has been invaluable. It has been such a help in showing me that sadly baby bereavement is part of life for so many and life does indeed go on.