Help please - trying to arrange funeral for my baby is so hard, I don't know what to do

[ruthlouise]

We lost our precious son at 18+3 weeks gestation on 17th March after a prolonged threatened miscarriage. Have finally decided on cremation which will happen on 7th april in the morning but I'm not coping well with the details of it.

I'm coping ok most of the time but this bit is sooo hard . I know he's dead and gone and that's just a body that will be in the coffin but I can't bear the thought of it.

Its been difficult to think about the service because I have a faith (although very shaken now) but dh is a humanist. This afternoon the funeral directors rang to ask what type of service we want. They suggested a universalist which I've okayed. But its all the details like music, poetry etc. Then she asked about dressing him etc and did I want to see him in the chapel of rest. Its doing me in. I desperately want to see him again but i know he won't look how I want him to look.

I haven't a clue about service content, neither has dh who is working away at the moment. I'm afraid of not doing the right thing and regretting it later. I already have so many regrets.

I'm also scare stiff at the thought of the moment when the coffin goes through the curtain at the end of the service. The only other time I've been to a funeral or seen that happen is at my mums nearly 11 years ago

Does anyone have any experience of this or suggestions of music etc?

thank you

Ruthlouise, I've only read your first post, I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't think I have any useful advice as almost the only time I've been to a funeral was to my mums.

I did come across \link{http://www.poeticexpressions.co.uk/POEMS/What%20is%20dying%20-%20Bishop%20Brent.htm\this poem} a couple of weeks ago - on a colleagues desk and it had me in tears in the middle of the office. but I love the sentiment - as you say goodbye to your son, your mum will be calling him to her side. I hope it might help you too.

I've just read this whole thread with a huge lump in my throat - so sad for all of you who have lost your babies. ruthlouise, I hope you can arrange a service that says goodbye to Isaac in a way that makes you feel less devastated.

Ruthlouise, I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son Isaac. The funeral will be a milestone in your grief, and things may well be different in some way afterwards. I can only speak from my experience, but say that I cherish the memories of the time I spent with my stillborn son at the funeral home. He was 9 days old when we had his funeral, and I saw him the night before. The funeral director encouraged us to see and hold him, and I will always be grateful to him for this. You must do what you feel is right for you now, and know that you did the best you could at a very difficult time.

I know how you must be feeling- we would never have believed we would have to one day arrange a funeral for a baby. It's incomprehensible, and such a hard thing to do. You will get through the day, and we will all be thinking of you. Feel free to CAT me if you want to talk. I am so sorry.

So sorry for your loss. My sister lost her baby at 30 weeks and the whole family and lots of friends went to the funeral. I know it was comforting for them to have so much support.
Will be tihinking of you on 7th April

I an overwhelmed at how brave all you ladies are who've lost babies/children.I can't begin to imagine how it feels.This thread really does show how wonderful mumsnet can be.

Ruthlouise,thinking of you,and your little boy.

Just wanted to say goodmorning Ruthlouise, reading thru this thread makes me want to cry for you, for what you must face, I hope you can take some comfort in knowing that we all care and all of us would do anything we could to ease this awful raw pain. I only wish I had had you all when I lost Matthew, xxx

Hi again and thank you.
Am gradually trying to put the pieces together/coming to terms with funeral arrangements.
Your postings are very helpful and I draw strength from the fact that so many of you have already faced similar experiences (although i so wish you hadn't had to).
Have cried so much since the funeral directors rang. It has really thrown me but do believe the service will provide some sort of closure from which we can move on - therefore 'running away' is not an option for me. If we do go back to see Isaac it couldn't be until this weekend which would be 14 days since he died since dh is away until then. Still scared about this but if I can face it I think I should. I have a soft white muslin cloth to wrap him in which I think might make me feel better that I had 'cared' for our son.
thank you again
X Ruth

We saw our little boy about a week after he was born, and he still looked perfect. We dressed him (hospital helped as we couldn't get any clothes small enough), and we left a few personal bits with him. We also held him which was scarey but helped us so much (appreciate that it is different for everyone). We also kept a little box of reminders which has cards we received, his little name tag from the hospital, photos that were taken, the little jar that his ashes were in etc. It's still hard to look at it two years on, but as someone said, it does get easier. At the time I thought I'd never get over it, and in a way I didn't want to as I thought then he'd be forgotten. Again, I hope the service helps you, and am thinking of you both. Lots of love.

ruthlouise, whereabouts in the UK are you? Someone from your local SANDS branch might be able to help you with some ideas for Isaac's funeral. I am in SE London and could help you if you wanted - this is such a horrible task.

We had Away in a Manger, the reading from Matthew where Jesus asks for the children to be brought to him, and this poem, read by Tom's aunt:

For a Child Born Dead, by Elizabeth Jennings

What ceremony can we fit
You into now? If you had come
Out of a warm and noisy room
To this, there'd be an opposite
For us to know you by. We could
Imagine you in lively mood

And then look at the other side,
The mood drawn out of you, the breath
Defeated by the power of death.
But we have never seen you stride
Ambitiously the world we know.
You could not come and yet you go.

But there is nothing now to mar
Your clear refusal of our world.
Not in our memories can we mould
You or distort your character.
Then all our consolation is
That grief can be as pure as this.

I felt very attuned to the unsentimentality of the Jennings poem. It was what I wanted. Not all parents are comforted by the idea of angels etc although I know it helps many people.

We had a small service at the church and then at the crematorium we had In Paradisum from the Faure Requiem and a short prayer. Just us and the priest there at the crematorium. Close family at the church.

If Isaac is in the Mortuary then they will have taken good care to keep his body in good condition, but I am sure that is not the only thing worrying you about going to the chapel of rest. I am not sure if this helps or not but I think undertakers will tactfully deflect you from seeing a body again if they think it is likely to cause particular distress. Our very sensitive funeral directors did this for us - and I was happy to be guided by them.

If there is anything I can help with, please CAT me (usually I am Marina). I could ring SANDS for you and get a copy of their very helpful, honest booklet "When a Baby Dies" sent, if that would help.

Thinking of you all at this most dark of times. I am so sorry Isaac died.

Isaac is already at the chapel of rest. I plucked up the courage to arrange to see Isaac for one last time at the chapel of rest on Saturday but when i rang the funeral directors they I spoke to a different person and he said he really wouldn't recommend it due to the 'fragility of the situation' which clearly means he would look awful and it would be distressing. Aaargh, so why did the woman ring me yesterday and encourage me to do so. Its all caused so much distress for nothing . Before yesterday I didn't expect that I might see Isaac again.

ToujoursMarine - I'm in East Kent and have rung both SANDS and miscarriage association - neither have anything in our area. However the funeral directors have now put us in touch with someone who will do a service. They called it a 'universalist' service which is apparently a celebration of life. She is coming out to see me tomorrow afternoon so I can talk through some of the suggestions from on here with her. Although it would be basically a non-faith service. Still not sure how I feel about this but time is running out and plans need to be made.
The 'child born dead' poem is beautiful but I can never forget watching Isaacs heart beating through his little chest. I think the snowdrops poem is more appropriate for where I'm at at the moment.

coggy - I think I have the instrumental version of 'be still' somewhere. It would mean nothing to dh or the officiante but I would know the words so thats a thought.

Also I didn't realise the coffin didn't have to go through the curtain at the end so thanks for explaining that to me. I will definitely ask for it to stay there whilst we leave.

thanks again
love ruth

I feel for you so much at the moment Ruth.

I'm pleased that we have been some help to you - it is such a horrible, horrible time.
X

Ruth, sorry I cant offer you any help on this but just wanted you to know I am still thinking of you and dh and Isaac. I can't imagine what you are going through but you seem so strong and brave.
Take care
Olivo x

the humanist we used was recommended by the funeral directors. I'm sure they will help you create something to suit you and your family. They'll also advise on the practicalities. Do take a moment to think about how the casket will look. We had a 'green funeral' and my son's casket was a simple rush box. What hit me was how tiny it was. Quite why I was so shocked is a mystery to me (I saw his body so I knew how big he was) but I think in my mind caskets are always adult sized. His was little bigger than a shoe box. I wanted flowers and we chose something a child would recognise, red gerberas. Everyone who attended the funeral was given one to place on the coffin. The grandparents left toys. It is worth inviting family if you're at all close. It means there are witnesses to your loss, and that they can talk to you about it later. Babies make such a small mark on the world.

so sorry.
I know someone who had I'm loving angels at the funeral of her baby.

I found a website once for bereavment poetry and there were some very touching poems. I will look for it. Sorry I have no real suggestions, but wanted to add something.

I hope you find a way to have a funeral that brings you some comfort later, ruthlouise. This is such a sad and moving thread.

Ruth

I am so sorry about the death of your little boy, Isaac. I hope that in time this awful sadness will lessen a little and you can look back on the all to short time with your baby with fond memories.

I very much liked Jamiesam's short verse - if you are non-religious you could just leave out the 'oh lord' bit in the final line.

It is a lovely way to think of your baby, as real and as lovely as he was when you saw him, being greeted on the other side of the 'horizon' by those that will love and cherish him:)

all too short

Eeek - I didn't know there was an option re casket - I would prefer something more natural than the white silk lined coffin which they have told me it will be. I will phone tomorrow but don't know if we are too late. Thank you

soapbox - I wasn't sure about Jamiesams verse because it didn't seem fitting for a baby but it did make me think of my mum on the otherside reaching out for her grandson. I wish I had that faith to believe that at the moment.

Ruthlouise, I hope I didn't upset you with my suggested poem. I don't think I read properly the bit you put in your first post about your faith being very shaken now. My faith is all over the place to be honest but I guess it's not been tested as hard as yours. However, even when I'm not sure there's a god, I always know my mum is looking down on me. And if you can believe that too then you can be sure that your mum is looking after your little boy.

ruthlouise, I don't have any advice or practical help to offer but I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss.

I don't have any advice or guidance for you but I felt that I had to add something. Your experience has touched my heart, you sound like you would have been a wonderful mum to Issac. I wish you peace and love and hope that eventually you'll be able to look back and remember your wee boy with a smile on your face and peace in your heart.

Mhy thoughts are with you.

Ruthlouise, so, so sorry for your loss. Isaac is a truly lovely name by the way.

My friends' little boy died jst a few hours after he was born 18 months ago. They had a very beautiful and moving humanist funeral service for him. I particularly remember their use of an old shaker folk tune called "When true simplicity is gained" (Its the tune lord of the dance was based on) I'm not really sure what its about but it seemed very fitting.

I thought I should mention a second event they held for him a few days later.They wanted a less formal occasion to involve their elder son and friends with kids too. We all drove out to a very tranquil spot in the country where we released about 40 brightly coloured helium balloons. It was a spectacular and very beautiful sight - It actually started snowing as we released them. Some people took photos which she has kept in her memory box. She and I released a balloon on his birthday this year too.

I hope Isaac's funeral brings some comfort.

I have nothing costructive to say hun but I am so sorry. I did follow your threads on the miscarraige Reading all these threads has be so emotional I don't know what to say but I am thinking of you xxxxxx

treacletart - the helium balloons idea is beautiful.

jamiesam - no of course you didn't upset me - It is all emotional anyway. I like to think of my mum with Isaac whether thats true or not. At one point I did think of having his ashes added to the site at the crematorium where her ashes are but the place is not as peaceful as I would like it to be iyswim. I want somewhere special for him not where lots of adults have their ashes if that makes sense. I know it doesn't really make a difference but it sort of is important for us that we find the right place.

Thank you everyone who has added their support. its kind of you to take the time to post your good wishes here. I know its painful at the moment but I like the idea of the momento boxes that several of you have mentioned and maybe would print this thread off to add to the box as so many of you have wished us well and showed you care.