Help please - trying to arrange funeral for my baby is so hard, I don't know what to do

[ruthlouise]

We lost our precious son at 18+3 weeks gestation on 17th March after a prolonged threatened miscarriage. Have finally decided on cremation which will happen on 7th april in the morning but I'm not coping well with the details of it.

I'm coping ok most of the time but this bit is sooo hard . I know he's dead and gone and that's just a body that will be in the coffin but I can't bear the thought of it.

Its been difficult to think about the service because I have a faith (although very shaken now) but dh is a humanist. This afternoon the funeral directors rang to ask what type of service we want. They suggested a universalist which I've okayed. But its all the details like music, poetry etc. Then she asked about dressing him etc and did I want to see him in the chapel of rest. Its doing me in. I desperately want to see him again but i know he won't look how I want him to look.

I haven't a clue about service content, neither has dh who is working away at the moment. I'm afraid of not doing the right thing and regretting it later. I already have so many regrets.

I'm also scare stiff at the thought of the moment when the coffin goes through the curtain at the end of the service. The only other time I've been to a funeral or seen that happen is at my mums nearly 11 years ago

Does anyone have any experience of this or suggestions of music etc?

thank you

ruthlouise I am so sorry you lost your son.

I just wanted to say how lovely the picture you painted of Isaac running and happy in the sunshine was and to ask if you knew that the meaning of the name Isaac is 'he who laughs and is happy'. It's a beautiful name (I have an Isaac too).

I'll be thinking of you.
x

Thinking of you RuthLouise and all the others who have posted on this exceptionally moving thread. I am sitting here at work with tears in my eyes. I really hope that the service comforts you in some way Ruth.

I can't say anymore than has been already said.

I am so sorry for the loss of your dear son Isaac. I believe that you have amazing strength and that you are a true inspiration.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this time. x

Hi ruthlouise, just wanted to check in with you again... hope you're as ok as you can be.

Our funeral for Ivo was a sad but lovely occasion, as I'm sure yours for Isaac will be too. You keep popping into my mind this week, as I'm sure we'll be going through lots of similar emotions at the moment (although of course grieving is such an individual thing too). I'll be thinking of you and your dp on Friday.

There are so many wonderful messages on this thread - reading it has been such a help to me too (and thanks to anyone who's added me to their thoughts or prayers).

Huge love and luck for Friday ruthlouise.

Manoo, I wondered how you were doing and how yesterday went. I am so glad Ivo's funeral was a lovely occasion for you and I really hope for the same for Ruthlouise on Friday.
Just a note of caution - after spending quite a bit of time and trouble organising Tom's funeral, the reality of losing him hit me with renewed force once I didn't have the activity to keep me busy :(
Don't be too hard on yourself, or despair totally, if you find the next few days especially hard going.
Thinking of you both XXX

Ruthlouise - What a heartbreaking thread - my sincere sympathy to both you and Manoo and all the other mums who have experience such an enormous loss.

I think the service you have decided on sounds perfect, my friend used O Precious Tiny One for her son (who would have been my godson)and has a framed copy of it next to his photo in her bedroom.

RE: it just being the two of you on Friday - I agree with Waswondering - that if you had a couple of close friends to share this with, I am sure they would come. I went to my friends little boys funeral and read a poem (perhaps a friend could read the story if you're not up to it?).
She said is has helped her enourmously to have someone as well as DP to share the day with her especially in the weeks and months afterwards...

My thoughts will be with you on Friday, take care...

Dearest girl I think you have hit upon a lovely form of goodbye to your little one.
I had a still birth at 42 weeks - no idea why - she was a perfect 8lb darling - Her funeral was massive just about everyone we knew was there and i found it very, very hard but DH and I took the view that this would be her christening, 18th, 21st,graduation, wedding etc that we'd never be able to do for her.
3 weeks later my darling dad died suddenly - all the same people and more at his funeral
Then when my son was stillborn at 24 weeks the following year I just could not go through the big funeral thing again and just had a very small cremation service with poems and 4 very close friends - we then went off and had a wonderful meal with loads to drink ( doesn't work in the long term - but made us feel so much better !)
SANDS were wonderful and for your DP there is a wonderful website called still fathers which may offer him some support.
Keep looking forward - it's bloody hard I know

RuthLouise, I haven't posted on here before as I have not had the faintest idea what to say or where to start.
Absolutetely heartbreaking, I just can't think of anything else to say to you that is going to make you feel remotely better.
I hope Friday goes as best as possible for you - such a comfort to know that Isaac now has his belongings with him.
Thinking of you x
yeahinaminute, can't even begin to imagine how you cope with all of that :( x

You just do ...
And ruth it was such a comfort for me to give Catriona and Andrew little things of theirs I also wrote them both a long letter and put in a photo too
Have to go - losing it a bit now and it's 6 and 5 years ago ...
Big love for Friday

Yeahinaminute - I still can't believe that in 'this day and age' these things continue to happen.
What a horrible couple of years you had and I know that the pain doesn't go away.

I find the hardest thing is the shock. My ds was stillborn at 40 weeks and now, 10 months later, I am often stopped in my tracks with disbelief and shock at what happened and the fact that I don't have my perfect little boy with me.
I do believe that things happen for a reason, but it would be so much easier if we knew why.
Thank you for that suggestion of a father's website - I think it is hard for dh to talk about what has happened and that will be really good to have a look at.

Manoo - your service sounded lovely.

X

ruthlouise and Manoo - you are both in my thoughts and prayers at this time.
Take care of yourselves and your DH's

I found two little verses that someone sent me when we lost Adam and they comfort me still. I hope they may do the same for you both

"We can't take each other's sadness away but we can share, feel and support each other"

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference"

I expect this will be my last post before the funeral and may not have the opportunity to post again before we go away on the sunday.

When I originally posted, I just hoped to get a few suggestions and ideas. I never imagined how the thread would develop and that so many of you would post such wonderful messages of support for us and share so much wisdom. I have been repeatedly overwhelmed by the kindness and at a loss as to what to say to adequately express my thanks.

I am truly humbled, if thats the right word, when I read of the deep sorrow that so many of you have faced and survived. I know this isnt about who has had the worst experience but as much as I hurt and miss my little boy I also have a sense of 'gratitude' for having been spared the greater desolation of losing my baby at say 30 weeks or even full-term. I'm so sorry for those of you who have faced such unimaginable grief.

This thread really does show what a special place mumsnet is.
So many of you have said such profound things, I'm sorry I haven't responded to every one personally but I have read each post - 'thank you'.

and to those of you who have lost your precious babies and children, I hope you don't mind being sent a virtual big hug...
desperatehousewife
triplets
cori
Cristina7
coggy
MrsWood
Snips
Eeek
pepperpots
threelittlebabies
ToujoursMarine
bubble99
mrsdarcy
CarlyP
wendy11
Manoo
roseyposey
Wools
yeahinaminute
and also to those of you who haven't made it clear on this thread but have also suffered the pain of losing little ones.
(((( A big hug )))))
And to those of you following or reading this thread who haven't posted but have also been through similar sad experiences
(((( hugs ))))

Wendy11 posted earlier something to the effect that their loss and grief made her and her dh who they are and by implication better people, I hope if something good can come out of my grief and sadness that it will be that I am richer for the love and support that has been shown to me on this thread and through that, that I have a greater depth of understanding and compassion for other people (invaluable as I work in the field of mental health, often with distressed and anxious patients). Perhaps there was a lesson for me to learn...

I am worried about how things will be once we've said the final goodbye on Friday. Preparations and reflecting on some of the things in this thread have kept my mind busy most of the time but for now, I'm at peace that we have done what we can for our son. Thank you all for helping to make that possible.

ps
Manoo - thinking of you too, take care X.

Puddle - yes, I choose the name Isaac specifically because of the meaning.

Wendy11 - "We can't take each other's sadness away but we can share, feel and support each other" - thats lovely.

Bless you Ruth - you must be strong to take the effort to consider other people at this time, thank you.

I was going to wait until tomorrow night to post my love, prayers and support but I guess you will not be feeling much like come onto MN then.

I will be thinking of you and your dh on Friday, as I have been EVERY day since reading your first post here.

May God grant you some peace with what has happened. And I wish you a restful and peaceful time away on the Sunday.

We went away more or less straight after our ds's funeral and it was the best thing for us to do. A bit of time together to just be 'us' and not worry about what other people expected us to do or say.

Please keep in contact so we know how you are doing - you won't be forgotten about just because Friday is 'over'.

X

thanks ruthlousie. will be thinknig of you and your family tomorrow.

cx

Thinking of you and your family tomorrow.

Love & best wishes to you & your dh for tomorrow hun.
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To all who have lost their precious children - My love, prayers and thoughts are with you always.
RuthLouise - tomorrow will just be one stage in the whole process - be strong, take heart that you have a whole community sending love and prayers to you.
Coggy - Yeah - crap isn't it? I still can't believe it after 6 and 5 years and some small thing can still take my breath away - have a DD who is 3 and to see her when she was smaller playing with toys that had been bought for her sister used to totally throw me off balance.

Just wanted to add that my thoughts and very best wishes will be with you tomorrow.

A couple of songs that were on radio playlists around the time Tom died still bring me up short too yeahinaminute :( and that was nearly 4 years ago now. Catriona and Andrew are lovely names.
I think being able to post on Mn about Tom, and living with such a bereavement, was a really important part of coping for me, and reading some of the newer posters' thoughts and experiences here reminds me how lucky we all are to have this forum to share the sorrow and the love.
I hope you have warm sunshine tomorrow ruth, we will all be remembering Isaac, with love, with you, even if we are not physically present XXX

Thinking of you and your dh at the funeral tomorrow. I hope that you will both get some peace and understanding from it and your time away. Take care of yourself and hope to see you posting over on the pregnancy after miscarriage thread in the near future.

Can't agree with you more toujours, songs ( Angels for me!) places, silly innocuous things do throw us don't they? - thanks - I always loved Catriona as a child had a good friend with that name, Andrew is DH's middle name

Thinking of you RuthLouise and will be thinking of you and your DH tomorrow x I hope everything works the way you chose them to

Best wishes for tomorrow. I hope it goes as well as it can and that you and your family say goodbye in the way you want to and gain some comfort from it.

It really does get easier - overall, although there are still moments for me when its as fresh as ever. I too have songs (David Gray in my case) which bring it back and although this is hard I also feel it's healthy, stops me bottling it up. A memory box, with any bits and pieces you can gather can do the same.

Will be thinking of you, your DH and Isaac tomorrow, Ruthlouise.