Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Love, like starlight, never dies - In loving memory of all our darling children gone too soon!

994 replies

Bluetinkerbell · 14/06/2012 15:51

I am the gentle breeze upon your face
The twinkle in the stars
I am the sudden ray of sunshine
That warms your broken heart.

Thank you Whatevertheweather for starting the previous thread! :)

Let this place be a place of support for all of us on this path together, with lots of smiles, lots of tears, lots of hugs and lots of understanding x
A place where 'new' and 'old' bereaved Mums and parents can share their grieve, experiences and memories of their darling children.

OP posts:
Ellypoo · 16/06/2012 10:37

Thinking of you too lumps x

I'm glad your farewell service went well yesterday kate, I haven't seen your wreaths but I'm sure they were perfect x

Tamisara · 16/06/2012 11:20

(((Hugs))) today for fioled and her beautiful Belle xx

Lumps I'm glad you've come back and that you're OK, I've been thinking of you & little Alice xx

Ellypoo I don't know of any kind of protocol, so don't worry :) xx

chipmonkey · 16/06/2012 14:29

Thinking of you and Belle today, fioled.

lavandes · 16/06/2012 15:18

Sending lots of love to you and your family today fioled xxx

Firsttobed · 16/06/2012 15:36

Thinking of you today fioled and hello lumps I'm sorry but hope that you and all who are going to SANDS today have a peaceful time xx

Hi elly and welcome back x

Original poster
Bluetinkerbell · 16/06/2012 16:20

Just got back from the Sands Memorial service and day after meeting up with fioled her lovely husband and gorgeous X...
It was a lovely lovely service and the Sands garden is so peaceful and comforting to visit. Although I felt very sad to see so many memorial pebbles for so many angels gone too soon :(
It's hard to believe that there are so many of us walking this difficult path of having lost a child...

OP posts:
Ellypoo · 16/06/2012 17:33

I'm pleased the memorial service was lovely blue, I think we are going to go down to the Sands garden in a few weeks.

I got home to a letter inviting us to the LGI memorial service but I don't think I can face going back to Leeds - we had to go back there to pick up the medical certificate from the NNU and register Constance's death which was so hard, I don't ever want to go back.

Minione · 16/06/2012 20:35

Thinking of Fioled and her darling Belle. I'm sure she's looking down on her Mummy, Daddy and little brother xx

Minione · 16/06/2012 20:39

Was the SANDS memorial at the garden in Staffordshire?

Original poster
Bluetinkerbell · 16/06/2012 20:55

It was yes Minione

OP posts:
KateRaeganandMichael · 16/06/2012 21:12

Thinking of all of you guys today.

I hope im not judged too badly for saying this but a woman I know, who is a sands mum also (she lost her first daughter at 37 weeks, nearly 3 years ago) got in contact with me today. She saw the announcement in the Gazette
.
I just can't help feeling really bad (for the way that I treated this lady) because she had the guts to get into contact with me and offer her support whereas when she lost her dd, I was quite ignorant, and COWARDLY. I still spoke to her socially but never about her loss and I am sad and mad at myself for being like that. I want to say that it was because I was young and very naive of things such as this but I really can't, I didn't speak to this lady because I worried that it would be awkward for me or that she'd be upset and I didn't want to have to deal with it, I can't tell you how very angry I am for being like that to her, but I only too well know what it's like to be on the other side, with people not knowing what to say, not giving you eye contact

I just hope that when we meet she'll accept my apology. Just had to post this because it's been eating away at me since, and I've had a very bad day today x

MrsY · 16/06/2012 21:32

For my boy, Benedict.

Benedictus qui venit in nomine Domini.

MrsY · 16/06/2012 21:32

Evening ladies.

Kate glad to hear that your day went smoothly yesterday, I was thinking of you all. The flowers are lovely. I don't see my dad at all, and didn't make him aware of the funeral plans for Benedict. I'm sure people may think that I was spiteful or mean not to invite him, but I don't care. I only wanted love at the funeral, if that makes sense.

Don't beat yourself up about the other mum. It's impossible to imagine what this pain is like unless you've felt it for yourself.

blue, we've thrown wildflower seeds in the border along by B's grave, and on the grave itself. I'm trying to find daisy seeds, as daisy's are his birth flower, but you can't see to buy wild daisy seeds (we just want the little ones you get in fields). You can get nice shrubs - skimmia as someone said, but they grow quite quickly, beware. They are lovely though, as are peiris, which has white bell flowers, and red foliage which lightens to gold and then turns green. Beautiful.

Thinking of fioled and Belle tonight. Will pray for us all as I light the candle in a minute.

I'm glad a new thread has started. I felt very self-conscious and uncomfortable on the old one - like the new girl at school that people were suspicious of. I hope I can keep up with this one a bit more.

Firsttobed · 16/06/2012 21:40

kate I think it's easy for us to judge when we've not been through this awful mess. Perhaps it would not have been unreasonable for her not to have got in touch with you (and I am harbouring some guilt for a similar reason) but she did, and that shows that she has the strength to offer some support, perhaps because she knows what it's like being newly bereaved surrounded by people who haven't been.

I say that we have all been changed by our experiences and hopefully despite our losses for the better.

I suppose that what I am saying is that I am sure that she will accept your apology, perhaps it will not even have to be made. She'll just know. Love and hugs. xx

Firsttobed · 16/06/2012 21:43

Hi MrsY I wondered where you'd got to. It make me feel gooey inside to think you're lighting a candle for us all Smile

twinklesunshine · 16/06/2012 21:51

Kate I am sure she will accept your apology, unless you have been through it I truly believe that you can absolutely have no idea of the devastation, and how it affects every aspect of life. I know of people who have lost children before and I remember being amazed at how 'alright' they looked, and now I know that obviously they were not, and appearances can be deceiving.

Had yet another bad day. Have ordered a wooden trunk to put all his bits in, so we got his plastic box of stuff out the loft with his first clothes, shoes, memory bits, and its all soaking wet. Have no idea how, its the only box that is, and its plastic! Now all the special clothes I kept smell awful and I will have to wash them, I was hoping they would have his smell on.

I keep going to bed hoping tomorrow may be a little easier and it never is at the moment.

Love hearing about the flowers MrsY - we have the ashes here at home, but have brought a tree in his memory that flowers yellow, his favourite colour, and its in a pot in the garden. In the picture it gets massive though and we have a garden the size of a postage stamp so god knows what we are going to do with it in the years to come.

xxxxxx

Minione · 16/06/2012 22:20

Blue Its not that far from us (and we might be moving even closer). If I'd
known it was on I would have gone. Thi nking back, I remember hearing about it this time last year.

fioled · 16/06/2012 23:14

Thank you for all the thoughts and wishes today. Its been really lovely and peaceful, just what I needed really. Really special to go the Sands service today and really enjoyed blue and her family's company. Got a lovely photo of us and blue's DD so those of you friends with me on fb will be able to see that in the next few days! And the rain stopped and held off for a bit so we could walk around the Sands garden and the arboretum.

Now we're into those funny limbo 5 days inbetween remember day and birthday.

Mini it would've been lovely to meet you too. Maybe next year?

lavandes · 16/06/2012 23:16

Hi mini and blue hope you are as ok as you can be xxx

For all the new mums, you may think you will be feeling so distraught forever but it will ease I thought I would never be able to cope but I do. I still have bad days but 2 years on the bad days are further apart. I didn't think that would ever happen but it has. Just take one day at a time. Grief is totally exhausting. You must look after yourselves and only do what you feel ready for. xx

Mechavivzilla · 17/06/2012 00:17

lavandes I had just given up on sleep for the moment, and was trying to imagine a time when I would not be sad!On one hand this is really wearing me out. I am tired and sad, I can't sleep. Everything hurts. I have been ill since Dexter was born and am in limbo waiting for surgery (gallstones). I am self pitying and angry and horrible to be around.

But if I feel better and start getting back to normal it will be like he never existed and nothing has changed. And I am frightened I will have forgotten him. I never thought I could love this much and feel so so sad all at once and I feel like it is ripping me apart.

I know this will pass and dull a little, but I just don't see how at the moment. What I started off trying to say was thank you for reminding me it does get less raw.

chipmonkey · 17/06/2012 03:17

I'm sure we've probably all met people in the past who lost children and we now cringe when we think about what we said to them or more importantly what we didn't say to them.

However, I have to say that joining Mumsnet educated me about a lot of things. That you don't ignore the fact that someone lost a child and try to perk them up as if they'd broken up from a boyfriend. That it's fine to mention the child. That it's better to mention the child and for the Mum's eyes to fill up because if you don't mention the child, then her eyes will fill up later because you didn't. That if a child of school age is throwing a tantrum, it may not be because he is a brat, but because he has autism.

A client said to me, when he heard about Sylvie-Rose. "Oh, well, that's destiny, isn't it" I put it down to him being in his twenties, childless and maybe not all that clever. I hope he never loses a child but if he did he would probably cringe looking back at what he said to me. It's a pain you can't even begin to imagine if it hasn't happened to you.

Mechavivzilla · 17/06/2012 04:23

chip that is beautiful. I guess a lot of people don't know how to handle news like this because a) they don't want to upset us and b) they don't want to upset themselves. But tears and grief are not always bad. Talking about Dexter still makes me bawl, but also feels good in a way. I hope I would now have to wisdom to understand someone else in my situation, even just a little. Like you said, It is impossible to imagine this pain if you haven't gone through it.

Original poster
Bluetinkerbell · 17/06/2012 08:44

A year ago today on the 17th I had my 20 week scan, it was then those nightmare words were spoken and our whole world crumbled to pieces... Last year we didn't celebrate Father's day as on the Sunday I was in hospital in labour with my precious Sterre...
It feels bittersweet this year... My DH is the most wonderful Daddy to our 3 children, DD1, Sterre and this little unborn one in my belly...
Let us today think of all those Daddies who are missing their children!

OP posts:
fioled · 17/06/2012 08:46

Love to blue and Sterre today xx

MrsY · 17/06/2012 09:14

Sending you peace and strength, blue, and love to Sterre.

Love to all the daddies today, and God Bless all their babies.

Mecha I totally agree. Their's a line I saw somewhere that said my child's name may bring tears to my eyes. but it's still music to my ears.