Love, like starlight, never dies - In loving memory of all our darling children gone too soon!

[Bluetinkerbell]

I am the gentle breeze upon your face
The twinkle in the stars
I am the sudden ray of sunshine
That warms your broken heart.

Thank you Whatevertheweather for starting the previous thread! :)

Let this place be a place of support for all of us on this path together, with lots of smiles, lots of tears, lots of hugs and lots of understanding x
A place where 'new' and 'old' bereaved Mums and parents can share their grieve, experiences and memories of their darling children.

Hello ladies.

MrsKwazii, sorry to hear your sad news. Welcome to the thread. You're right, the support we offer each other here is vital and so, so necessary. Although far too many know this pain for my liking, it's still rare so it's so important to be able to speak honestly in a place of trust and understanding. Sorry if I sound like a text book; been looking through a lot of my old notes recently.

I think it's all too easy to compoare our stories. I'm so jealous of people with memories to hold on to, and yet I can imagine it must be worse to loose a child after knowing them so well. I remember saying to first I was jealous of her assurance that her B was in a better place, because our Benedict had no health issues (that we know of) and so surly, would be best off here with us. But as Tami said, none of us are lucky.

I've always had massive brick walls up around me. Until I met MrY I had convinced myself that I was better off not loving someone as then I wouldn't be allowing myself to be hurt. "I am a rock, I am an island" seemed like the best option. I've often wondered whether or not I would unwish my pregnancy - go back to this time last year when it was just the three of us and I'd never known the pain and anger of the last 2 months. But I can't deny my boy - I love him so much, I'm proud to be his mummy and can't wait until I can hold him again (I really, really want to know what colour eyes he has).

I did sign MrY's fathers day card from both of them, and I'm glad I did. I think it made him smile to think he has a daughter and a son.

I'm going to light the candle again soon, I'll take a photo and put it on my profile.

I have a lot of anger too, anger that he wasn't here very long and others get their children until they die themselves, angry that my friends still have their children and get to happily carry on, angry that my sister has children, its irrational and a very bad thing to feel as you said, but I cant help it. I am also just generally angry that I have to live this life while everyone I know doesnt, why does it have to be him and why does it have to be us. On a couple of occasions I have been known to chuck stuff around the house, the toy box, things in my bedroom as its the only way I get the anger out. I also chucked my baby's changing bag really hard on my wood floor, and then when I went to use it the sudacream pot had exploded all over everything! Served me right.

I truly believe that it doesn't matter how old your child is, they are still your child. My husband thinks we lost him at the worst age, just developing his little personality, always at home during the day, loved his mummy and daddy. But as I said to him, if he had got to 5 we would be saying that was the worst age as he was just starting school, or 11 just going to secondary school, it just goes on and on. I try to just think that no matter how long he was here he was loved and he had a happy life. At his funeral we had a poem that said he had just love, only love, in his lifetime.

Mrs Kwazii I am so sorry you had to do the ventilator, we had to take my mum off her ventilator as well. I didn't think anything worse could ever happen to me than loosing my mum, obviously it can?.

xxxxx

Blue Thinking of you, your family and Sterre. I hope today wasn't too painful xx

Mrs Kwazii I'm sorry you've found yourself here and thank you for telling us about your DD. There are lots of ladies here who will comfort and look out for you.

Fioled Yes, would like to meet up next year, that would be lovely xx

I'm going to try and keep up with the thread. I feel guilty that I relied on people here for support and when I had Ruairi i just sort of disappeared. I hope people don't think I'm ungrateful, I'm the very opposite and want to be there for others who have gone through this shitty business.

Mrs Kwazii I'm so sorry to hear about your dd. I lost my 5 year old little boy very suddenly in December. It's so heartbreaking that we have to carry on without them. I don't often post here but I've found it a comfort to have access to the wisdom of these lovely ladies who get it
I've also written it all down in a blog so that I can track my improvement. I hope that one day I'll look back and see that I'm in a better place.x

I meant to say earlier, I thought of us all in church today.I always do, but the collect for today really resonated. It was basically that if we live without love, we aren't living in the true sense. It made me think - we've been through the most awful thing; we've suffered what no parent ever should; we will never get over this pain, never be the same again, never be like before; but we've got to try to be happy. We've got to let ourselves feel joy again, laugh again and have moments of peace. If we cling onto our grief, if we don't allow ourselves to heal (physically, emotionally and physologically) then we aren't living. And we owe our children more than that. Even if they are in heaven, our children all deserve happy parents - they wouldn't want us to be empty shells.

Sorry, that was so waffly (had a glass of three of sparkle at the in-laws earlier) but I don't want to edit it because I'll never be able to express it properly, so I might as go with my instincts!

First (((hugs))) You don't need to justify yourself, I was just saying how I feel about it, which may be different to you, but isn't necessarily right or wrong :). Thing is we all feel awful, emotions run away etc. There is no right or wrong way, just how you feel. None of us ever get to choose... it's just unfair to lose any child xxxxx

MrsY I know that feeling so well - of not wanting to love someone so you don't get hurt. You're right though - living without love is no kind of life. Love is wonderful, inspiring, happy, bliss, but with the great joy it brings, it also carries the risk of profound sorrow. Trouble is you can't really avoid it, not without never experiencing joy too xx

It's not just grief with me. Sure I feel it, sometimes it suffocates me, and I have to try to escape it. It's the loss for Tamsin... all her potential. The fact that she never got to do things, feel things, experience anything. No chances, no tears, no laughter. I guess that's why I find it hard comparing, just because it's not just me - but her that's missed out. Just like every other child who's been lost - it's their future, as well as ours, that have gone. I feel sorry for her, that by not keeping her safe, I betrayed her... took away her chances. Sorry that probably makes no sense

That makes total sense, Tami. It's not just our loss, but that of our babies, our other children, our siblings and parents. I was watching my mum, and then later, my fil with the Mouse today. They get so much joy from her. They play with her and tease her and chase her and I feel so sad and angry and guilty that but for 7 hours and my body failing, they would have a grandson to do those things with too. The other day, the Mouse was helping my sister feed my 9 mo niece. She's so loving and gentle and would be the best big sister ever. She looked forward to meeting Peanut for months - talked to him and sang him songs and planned what they would do togther. It's not fair that she can't be a big sister and do those things. And it's not fair that he never met his big sister, who adores him so much, and grow up being protected and loved by her.

I know tami it's not just our hopes for them but their whole lives too that have gone. Maybe I should revise my last post on the basis of lost potential (bleak laugh.) You didn't betray Tamsin. I just can't believe that we're all here, talking about our children who are no longer with us. How did we (I really mean I) come to be here? Life just ISN'T FAIR. Lots of hugs xx

MrsY thank you for your candle. You remind me that it's not just the mother that has lost. Xx

MrsKwazii, I'm glad you're here amongst us and not just lurking although I really, really wish you didn't have to be here at all.What you said about being with dd2 but thinking about dd1 really resonates with me. I feel that much of the time I'm half-there for the boys but thinking of Sylvie-Rose. But on the other hand, if she were here and if your dd1 were here, they'd probably still be commanding a lot of attention so maybe our other dc's are not missing out on as much attention as we think? They are missing out on their siblings and I do find it hard to remember how much they all loved having a sister, even ds3 who, when she was born told me he was "nervous of having a sister".

Tami, don't beat yourself up and don't blame yourself for Tamsin's death. We all do blame ourselves and we all think "If only I'd done this or not done that or paid more attention to this or less attention to that........" And I do wonder if maybe Sylvie-Rose being so prem was an issue. Maybe she came her and had a job to do and maybe her being prem meant that she would have SNs and wouldn't have been able to do that job? So she was "rescued" for want of a better word.

Or maybe as the doctors said, it was just bad, bad luck.

hello all, lots of emotions flowing on here tonight. One of these immensely difficult days, with especially big hugs to blue. Guilt and love, happiness and sorrow, comparisons and what-ifs... sounds very normal to me, but maybe I just want to believe that to justify my own emotional see-saw. To me, it sounds like everyone has been enormously courageous and graceful, despite all the challenges.

What a weekend here - the party for DH went well, although a huge amount of work. I sent a note out to tell people that DH preferred to think of it as a lovely get-together of friends rather than a birthday, as the memories of Mia are still too raw. He announced to everyone I was pregnant, and I must admit, I was a little surprised he didn't mention Mia as he wanted it to be as joyous as possible, but there were still tears and smiles in equal measure from pretty much everyone in the room. And then this morning, my aunt (and godmother) arrived, so I was able to share our news with her, and the rest of the extended family and friends overseas. And actually, more exciting than I expected. We haven't marked Father's Day in any formal way though.

Yet this afternoon, when my aunt brought out a beautiful scrapbooked photo album of Mia that my mother had done, I felt the loss of my beautiful girl so acutely. Such a wonderful selection of photos, filled with love, and created with so many tears. So precious. I have to acknowledge all over again that Mia is gone...

Chip thank you for sharing your DS4's words about Mia. Just amazing. I have shared them with DH and my family. They were astounded.

everyone here are some beautiful words that this same aunt sent to me early after Mia died. I have shared them before, but I'd like to give them to you all as well, especially for the newer friends here. One breath at a time. Give your self time. Not to get over this loss because you will always grieve but to somehow weave your child's beauty, their love, your love and your terrible loss into a fabric that can be worn as a shawl of love.

Remembering Scarlett, 18 months gone now, cannot believe it. Big huge sighs. Life is not, and never will be, the same again.

I've just read the end of the last thread, not had a chance to read through this one yet but I will do. I'm trying to understand where all the problems came from? I never knew there was a protocol with starting new threads.

I can see why it could be hurtful for the people that were doing so though, I don't want to argue with any of you lovely ladies. All of us are here for the same reason, and I wish it wasn't so. Well, there are differences, different losses; but losses nonetheless.

I hate to see all this infighting, or arguing, it's happened a couple of times recently and it's just awful. We all need support and chat, it all helps. I remember when Scarlett died, I was linked to this thread, but I couldn't stay here then. It was all too much "normal" chat for me and I felt so utterly dead inside. But I did look here as soon as I felt able to, I posted on my own thread until then but there is always a different feel to this thread throughout the weeks/months.

I looked to here and saw other people going through what I went through and then realised what I'd missed. I really wish that I'd stayed with it here with you all as it would have helped me I think. I've had nothing but support here and I really hope that everyone that's been here for years or for weeks will also still be here too.

It's understandable that people will get pissed off or upset at times but hopefully that can be overcome and we can all help each other always.

I love Facebook and twitter but, without all of you, I'd have nowhere to really talk about my darling Scarlett. I treasure that. I treasure this thread and each and every one of you all xx

MrsKwazii welcome but it's a sad welcome x

blue hugs, a hard day for you :(

First I knew my daughter Scarlett. I was 37 weeks pregnant when she died. She'd spent that time inside me, I knew her movements, I felt her, I knew her. She was a part of me. Just the same as I know all my children.

I'm so up and down. everyone is asleep here, I'm still up. Listening to music, fb, browsing... still can't believe this has even happened to me really, been through so much shit the rest of my life already even as a child that I thought I'd done enough. Clearly not

I'm still up too, Cheese.
Think of it this way, Cheese. In life, everything is a lesson. You must be a really advanced student to be set so many hard lessons. I bet you're a celeb in the afterlife!

Morning girls xx

Morning. x

Anyone doing anything nice today?

Morning ladies x

mrskwazii im sure that were I in your situation, and I can't imagine anything more painful, I would have made the same decision because as you have said, there is no life, only an existence which not only would have been horrible for your dd to have to go through but your entire family, I had to make a decision before my boys were born as to what to do were they born alive, my dh and I decided that if they were, that they should be d.n.r (literally the hardest decision we ever/will ever have to chose) the gestation they were born at they would have had severe cerebral palsy, Stanley already had severe heart failure because of the ttts, and they were extremely low birth weight babies (because they were twins), they would have had the biggest fight of their life after they were born and they had already been through too much. I can't tell you how much I wish that they were alive though (however they were) and they weren't born how they were :(
tami I feel exactly the same, I can't tell you how much I hate my body. My egg split wrongly which resulted in Nathan having I.u.g.r, my body gave my boys ttts, my body let my waters break and in all of this there was little there was little anyone could do for any of it, other than the operation that we had but the risks were high with that too. I am so "happy" that I have this iu infection, (that isn't going away) I do deserve it, I remember that when I was in labour with the boys I asked for a hysterectomy, because I can't stand the thought of being pregnant again, or doing this to another child/children (I have twins in my family so I don't know how well I would deal with it again even though all I think about in my future or present is having twins) obviously they didn't do it, and I am getting a coil again (when this infection eventually goes) x

I hope that all makes sense as I am crying writing this and reading it back makes me hate myself all the more.

Hope all you lovely ladies have a peaceful day today, my heart is broken but it breaks more when I read your sad stories x

Cheese (((huge hugs))) You look so beautiful in your wedding dress, absolutely stunning :) I think you're amazingly strong. I wish I didn't know you at all for the reasons that we have met (been nice to have met on a 'different' thread), but your love for Scarlett is so inspiring xx

Kate (((hugs))) Please don't feel you have to suffer. I know that feeling, unfortunately it doesn't bring them back. You did nothing wrong, you weren't in control of your body... none of us are. I know you won't listen to me, but you don't deserve to be hurting, you didn't kill your babies. Life is shit, and nature played a cruel trick on you, but it wasn't your fault - you didn't 'consciously' make this happen. Please take care of yourself lovely xxxxx I know I could take my own advice, I feel guilty because I thought there was something wrong, and didn't make enough fuss, that was a concious decision. Please sort out your UTI, you've been through, and are going through, enough pain already xxxxx

I had a dream about Tamsin last night. She was about 8 years old. She was wearing a red top, and had a shoulder length bob, with a fringe, and was smiling and laughing. Her hair was dark (both DS & DD1 are fair, but Tamsin was born with dark hair). As I woke I tried desperately to get back again. I didn't want to leave her. Shit - it's really dragged me down, most unexpectedly :(

I lurked yesterday but didn't feel able to post - such a hard day, with not one of DH's family acknowledging fathers day (they don't 'do' fathers day in their family!), and barely mentioning Constance ever, he is really struggling, and it was hard for him to see some of his friends with their DCs yesterday. He is having a really hard time at the moment, and I don't know how to support him best.

I'm sorry for us all - we are all experiencing the greatest loss ever, there are similarities for us all, but massive differences too. The important thing is that we are all suffering and supporting each other, and that we have a safe place to come to talk about our DCs with other mums who understand what we are going through. None of us 'deserve' to be going through any of this, it isn't fair, it's fucking shit, and all we can do is keep breathing, one hour, one day at a time and hopefully it will start to feel less raw over time. You are all such amazing, strong, caring, supportive women, and I'm so sorry that we are all here, but I find it so important to be able to come here and talk without being judged. I just wish we didn't have to :(

Tami, how odd! I had a dream about Sylvie-Rose last night too and I rarely do. I reckon those girls are hanging about together and playing tricks on us!

Gosh, what a lot of emotion pouring out over the last couple of days on here.
I too feel I let my baby Jacob down, and my DH, by not doing anything to save him. God knows what I could have done but in hindsight I think why didn't I do this or that? My Dh always says 'can you control getting a cold?', well, no, obviously, but I just think us Mum's have a guilt button that is switched on as soon as we become pregnant! So we all think we should have saved our babies.
Someone on the thread said we need to live our lives with love and embrace the family we have left. This is so true, hard sometimes when from now on there will always be someone missing, but true. I know a lady who lost a 26 year old son and it devastated her so much she has alienated her whole family, including a surviving son and 3 grandchildren. How much comfort could they have given her if she had only allowed it.
Sorry, epic post, the main point of it is we need to be kind to ourselves and let our family love and comfort us.