Love, like starlight, never dies - In loving memory of all our darling children gone too soon!

[Bluetinkerbell]

I am the gentle breeze upon your face
The twinkle in the stars
I am the sudden ray of sunshine
That warms your broken heart.

Thank you Whatevertheweather for starting the previous thread! :)

Let this place be a place of support for all of us on this path together, with lots of smiles, lots of tears, lots of hugs and lots of understanding x
A place where 'new' and 'old' bereaved Mums and parents can share their grieve, experiences and memories of their darling children.

goingtoexplode, remembering your Emily xx

chip, those kids may not even want children. I'm not going to put pressure on them to have kids to make up for my loss. They need to live their liveshow they see fit. Believe me, I no longer live life for a future I might not even have.

Goingtoexplode, much love to you.

Expat, I'm sorry. I absolutely didn't mean that you should demand they have children or encourage them or anything like it! I wouldn't condone any pain-in-the-ass mother-in-law behaviour, I got enough from my own MIL. But if they did of their own free will, happen to have children? Do you think you wouldn't be bothered about them?
It's early days for you and indeed for me. I know all too well how bleak the future looks and how it doesn't look the same. And if my boys have twenty little girls between them, none of them would be a replacement for Sylvie-Rose.

But yesterday I attended the funeral of a lovely mother and grandmother. She was happy to go. She'd been ill for a long time and was prepared. But her children and grandchildren will miss her dreadfully, she was a huge part of their lives. Her daughter, my friend, has never married, had a longterm relationship or children. Her father also died nine months ago. My friend cut a very lonely figure in the church yesterday. She and her brother and sister are not the best of friends. She's 43 years old and she still needed her mother. It doesn't stop when they turn 18.

'But if they did of their own free will, happen to have children? Do you think you wouldn't be bothered about them?'

They will have to move away from here to get any employment at all, so I won't be about anyhow.

And really, I had never planned to hang around long even before she died.

Now I most definitely won't.

Alyak and Fioled so sorry that you've had to go through the loss of your children at such a young age. Your twenties are meant to be a time of discovery and fun, not grief. It's not an easy thing whatever age, but seems so cruel when you're meant to be carefree.

Goingtoexplode love to you and your Emily.

Had a counselling session today, feel a bit lighter again for talking through what happened with DD1. The more I talk about it, the easier it gets, but I can't keep bending the ears of the people who are close to me. I'm thinking less of the accident and her death now though, and more of how wonderful she was. I'm hoping that more and more the good memories of her life will trump the heart-breaking awfulness of her dying. I love you sweetheart.

expat, I know exactly how you feel but that isn't a good way to think. It just isn't.

For a start, I live a two hour trip from my mother, I know you live a long, way from yours. But they are still our mothers. Mine visits, stays weekends, brings chocolate and then in the summer we go to her house which has some nice beaches nearby and the boys love it

And my ds1 is 16, he will be going to college in a couple of years but he is no less my baby now than he was 16 years ago. He will need me and dh around for years for unconditional love, advice and a place to crash if things go tits-up.

And I'm going to be quite frank here, do you ever want R or S to think that Aillidh was the only one worth living for? That you couldn't be bothered to stick around for them, once she was gone?

And it's far too soon for you to know that this is how you're going to feel forever. For us, it's been 10 months. The pain is still there but it's not as acute. Yes there are days when it hits me like an avalanche and I sink again but there are fewer of those days now than there were in the beginning.

Why did you feel that you wouldn't stick around for long before Aillidh died?

Hey, MrsK!
Glad your counselling session went well. I am very fond of my bereavement counsellor. It's nice to know there are people whose job it is to have bent ears!

Because my life has been a continual cock up, chip, long, long before Aillidh died. I was a member of 'Exit' long ago. I never wanted to live to old age, tbh. Just didn't because for me it will mean more poverty, probably worse, and just more shite.

I've not lived near my mother since 1989 and yes, she's there, but tbh, I've always realised that she will probably and in her opinion, hopefully, die first and not be around forever so have seen to my own needs.

I train them to do the same.

I'll never be able to afford them a place to crash. We already have to downsize as we are under-occupying. They fly the coop and that will be exactly what we'll have to do again.

Can't afford to move to a city, either, and go the private let route again.

R and S understand that people have to make their own way in the world already. We will have to work till we drop or die first. That's how it is.

God, expat, your life is far from a cock-up. You live in a beautiful place, you have beautiful children, a husband who loves you, literally hundreds of friends, maybe thousands. And the crappiest thing that happened to you, Aillidh's death was not your fault, not a cock-up, but a shitty thing to happen.
You don't have to accept poverty either. You have a very sharp mind, you could do lots of different things with it. You're one of the cleverest, funniest people I know. You could write books and people would buy them!
And spiritually, I think you probably know more about that end of things than me, but surely you're not supposed to just bail?

Expat you sound as though you are in a very dark place. As Chip says, these early days are utter hell, but it doesn't stay like this, really it doesn't. I could just about get up and get dressed in the early weeks, but I'm slowly reaching the surface again. It will be a very different landscape, but I will be able to breathe again.

When you said earlier that you weren't going to hang around for long, I was hoping you meant in the place you currently live. If you mean living though, I hope you have support in RL to help you - if not, is there any available that you can access?

People, I'm not the counselling type. Just not.

But honestly, long before she died, I didn't want to hang around for very long.

I will, of course, hang around to see the kids through till they are able to fend for themselves.

We're stuck where we live. That's okay, it's not the worst. The reality has always been, though, that the kids will need to move out as there is not even a college here.

So we work to teach them to look after themselves as best they can.

Luckily, they are both fiercely independent, even now.

expat I'm sorry you feel so little hope at the moment. I become terrified when I think of all the years I still have to miss Mia, all the memories I am creating without her.

I am also an expat, with the whole of my family a long way away. I grew up in a country town, and like your daughters, my parents encouraged us all to move away, as it was the only way to have a university education and a job. Although I am not sure they ever expected me to live in another country! It doesn't mean that I don't talk to my parents any less, especially now, with Skype and email and cheap telephone calls. I don't need them any less either. I just need them to be there, to be them, to show me love and to drive me a bit crazy sometimes...

My parents would do anything to protect their little girl from the hurt I am feeling, on top of their own grief about their own grand-daughter. They have even told me, that if it was a choice for them both to go through a door and never come back, just so I could have Mia back, they would do it without a second thought. Even writing that still makes me cry.

I bet that is the strength of the love you have for all your girls. No matter how you feel, you will still do anything you can for them. You want them to be strong and independent and in control of their own destinies - and you want happiness for them. As far as I can see, Aillidh already demonstrated these characteristics throughout her illness and treatment. I'm sure you are so proud of them all, as you should be. If you can't hold onto anymore else, perhaps this is one thing on which you can concentrate.

I'm not a massive counselling person either Expat but I knew that I needed to talk to someone - the situation was just too big to deal with solo. MrK and I left it a little while before we saw someone as a couple - which we're finishing soon - and I've only recently starting seeing someone on my own. I just needed some space to blurt to someone who is totally confidential. If it's not for you though, it's not for you.

Independence is a very precious gift to give your children, they're very lucky to have you.

expat, who here is the counselling sort? Do we all look a bit "woo" or something?

No, thanks, chip. Really and truly, no thanks. It's honestly not for me. I've tried it a few times and found it really pointless for me.

Agree to disagree, but it's not for me.

Expat, you know those "Who's your favourite Mumsnetter" threads? You are always named on those! Because of your sense of humour and wit.
You are still that person. Yes, you've received a massive body-blow but I'm telling you, you could do loads with that sharp mind. And from the comfort of your own home if need be.

Thanks! Oh, I'm definitely the same person, just one who has never wanted to hang around long - it's a long story, but I've had incredibly bad luck all my adult life. It's got worse the older I get and hey ho, that's how it goes.

I'll dodge along, of course.

Been lurking a lot lately and not posting much, just wanted to pop in quickly and ask if somebody wanted to start a new thread before this one runs out...
Much love to everyone!

Evening all. Need to get this off my chest.

Today, I called my sister to ask if she would pick up the Mouse from nursery and then I got into my car. I was so close to driving my car at a wall but my car didn't start. I came inside and crawled into bed. I've got some strong pain meds in the house left over from my discharge from hospital and for my back pain, as well as some sleeping tablets.

M is asleep upstairs and my husband has gone to get fuel and food shopping.

I just want to see my son again. I haven't had a nice dream about him, he hasn't sent me a message. I have no memories of his laughter, or funny things he did. I don't even know what colour his eyes are. I just want to hold him.

ha blue I wasnt going there after the last time!!

Mrs Y we all have days like that.. the fact your car wouldnt start tells me someone is looking out for you

Have a nice bottle of wine and get some sleep and hopefully things will be just a little tiny bit better in the morning

Sounds glib.. I dont mean it to be..just take it one step at a time.. get through tonight .. one small step at a time. As shabs would say if she wasnt busy drinking ooso.. one step in front of another and dont forget to breathe

MrsY, I am so sorry that you're feeling so awful. And I'm sorry that you were robbed of your memories and can only guess at the colour of your little man's eyes.

But..... you got into your car with the intention of driving into a wall and your car wouldn't start? Well, there's a message! I do think spirits can interfere with mechanical things. You were not meant to drive into that wall.
and keep talking here.

There! fm thought it was a sign too!

Oh MrsY I am so sorry, I am probably not going to be of much help - but I felt exactly the same. (I think) that I am a little further along than you, and only over the last few weeks have those feelings began to go away somewhat. The easiest thing to do would be to go and be with our children, and it is what I wish for every day, but I am realising that it wouldn't be fair on my other boys, and as Chip was saying in an earlier post, I don't want them to think that they are not as important. My love for my little boy eclipses everything else, and anything that I still have left doesn't make up for the fact that I don't have him. There are 2 things that stop me doing anything silly, I am not trying to force what I think on you, but it just gave me comfort. Firstly, if I did end my life, I don't think I would get to join him - at first I said to myself that it wouldn't matter because I wouldn't be here and I wouldn't know. But then I would be on my own without any of my children. The 2nd is I imagine him coming to greet me if I did happen to get to see him, and I think he would be cross that I had left his brothers on their own. He loved his family so much and I don't think I could bear him to be cross with me.

I haven't had a dream or a message either, but I am trying to look at it as a good thing - if I did have either of those things I would then be expecting them constantly, and that wouldn't be good for my mental health I don't think. I have memories of his laughter, and his eyes, but there are so many things that I don't have any memories of, and I think that would be the same whatever age they were. If you had had him for a bit longer you would always want more, thats the nature of it as they are our children.

Please just try and get through these thoughts and not act on them, we have to have hope that it gets easier to bare, no one can live in this amount of pain for ever, human beings are just not built for that, human beings can cope with awful amounts of loss, and come through.

Keep the mouse in your mind, she needs you too, and she is the one that is here at the moment. As sad as it is there is nothing at the moment that you can do for little B, (in my opinion) he is safe, and waiting for you when the time comes, and then it will be like you have never been apart. That is what I hope for. My husband says that he can bare the next 50 ish years as then he will be with our little boy for eternity, I struggle with that still, but I don't feel that I need to be with him right now 24 hours a day anymore, its so hard.

Sorry I have been waffling, I just wanted to say something, there are so many people on here that understand your despair.

Expact - I have also had really bad luck in my adult life, many close people dying and leaving me, I think I am cursed sometimes. I am sorry that you are finding it so hard too, I kind of think that staying around long enough to see the boys grow up would be plenty too!

xxxxxx

And I agree with it being a sign xxxx