Love, like starlight, never dies - In loving memory of all our darling children gone too soon!

[Bluetinkerbell]

I am the gentle breeze upon your face
The twinkle in the stars
I am the sudden ray of sunshine
That warms your broken heart.

Thank you Whatevertheweather for starting the previous thread! :)

Let this place be a place of support for all of us on this path together, with lots of smiles, lots of tears, lots of hugs and lots of understanding x
A place where 'new' and 'old' bereaved Mums and parents can share their grieve, experiences and memories of their darling children.

Thinking of you and your family today blue xx

Thinking of you blue today and little Sterre. I hope that this fathers day is more peaceful than last year xx

To all of our babies' daddies today missing their children xx

Thinking of blue and little Sterre (I forgot to say what a beautiful name she has) and as first has said love to all the devastated dh/dos today. X dh isn't doing very well, I didn't know whether or not to sign his fd card from the boys, but I did anyway I think that he kind of didn't want me too and now I have yet more to feel guilty about, I think this is probably karma in some ways. Im fed up of all my self pittying/selfishness but I don't know how else to be anymore, X hope you all have good days today ladies x and sorry for being so sucky x

Kate dont beat yourself up about signing the card. In the early days of grief everything seems to be wrong....I remember sobbing when I got a gas bill because I felt 'I was being picked on by the gas company - how dare they send me a bill when my son had just been killed!!!' Reading that back to myself I sound like a total basket case - but its how I felt. Any rational thoughts we used to have dissapear when our child/children die. At times it used to feel that I could never do or say the right thing to anyone...as with everything else about bereavement time softens the edges of our grief and we learn how to carry on with our lives.

Time, however, does not change my thoughts for today - all four of my sons here - laughing, joking, eating and drinking....all four of those wonderful lads around our table having fun. xxx

Kate, that is a tough one. My dh finds it very hard to talk about Sylvie-Rose or look at photos of her. So I got the boys to give him a card that they all signed and then I got another one for "My husband on Father's day" and I signed it from me and Sylvie-Rose. He seemed happy with it but then I think the two of us spend an awful lot of time trying not to upset each other so maybe it did upset him and he didn't say?
Shabba, I still rage at the gas company for sending me bills, regardless of what has happened in my life. Gas should be free, right?

Hello everyone, have been building up the courage to join the thread for a while now. I'm so, so sorry for all of your losses. I wouldn't wish what we are going through on my worst enemy.

My eldest daughter died earlier this year after an accident - she was four. She was in ICU straight after the accident but had catastrophic brain damage following a cardiac arrest and wasn't able to breathe on her own. We made the decision to take her off the ventilator and let her go. I miss her so much it's a physical ache.

I'm through the initial numbness now, but am terrified at the thought of moving forwards. I hate that I have to rebuild a life without her, and that people might think I'm over her death. I know I never will be. She was my first child and my absolute pride and joy. She was funny, clever and chatty, now it's so quiet. She was such a huge presence that her absence is vast.

I have a younger DD who I also adore and a wonderful DH. They keep me getting up and going every day. My heart breaks knowing that DD2 won't remember her sister and that she is now an only child. I was so delighted having my two girls and they were brilliant together. I often wonder if we had it too good, and losing her was the payoff for what has been a charmed life up till now. Or maybe we were only meant to have her for those four amazing years, or there was something even worse to come and losing her now is the lesser of two evils. She burned so brightly and always will.

MrsKwazii

I feel exactly the same. My 3 year old died in March, at the moment its looking like SIDS, just went to check on him and he had died. I am also struggling with moving forward and cannot even think about it, I know its awful but I mainly think that I would just like to be with him. My little one was also the noisy, chatty one and its so quiet. I have a 5 year old and a 3 month old and the lack of noise is defening. I was also really proud of my 2 little boys, there was only 20 months between them and they were so close and shared a room. Someone else I spoke to who went through this 8 years ago says that she believes that something even worse was in store for her son and thats why he was taken when he was, and gets great comfort from it.

Ps Is your name from Octonauts?! That was my little boys favourite programme and I have his Kwazii figure under my pillow he always had it. I have even saved all the programmes on sky that he used to watch.

xxxxxxxx

Hello Twinkle, thank you for replying - I'm so sorry about your little boy. I find it so hard grieving but still having a toddler to look after. I feel awful sometimes that I'm not giving enough attention to DD2. She's right in front of me but I'm thinking of DD1. I hate having to adjust to this 'new normal'.

I've had some great advice from our local child bereavement service about keeping DD2 in her normal routine now and how to talk to her about DD1's accident and death in the future. I worry so much about how this will impact her as she understands more. Hope you're being supported with your children, I can only imagine how busy you must be with a 5 year old and three month old.

My name is from the Octonauts. It was one of DD1's favourite programmes and she would often draw maps with an 'X marks the spot' drawn on it for me. We still have lots of programmes saved on our sky box that were recorded for her. I can't bear to delete them

MrsKwazii Welcome to the thead, though I'm so sorry that you had to join us. I'm glad that you got some advice about the bereavement service. DD2 will remember DD1, you & your family will keep her alive, and she is still part of your family, and always will be. I'm so sorry about DD1, life is rubbish at times xx

MrsKwazii I am so sorry for your loss. Of course it is something you will never get over, but I am assured by people on this thread that is does get less raw with time! Everyone here is really kind and very understanding. It is the only place I have never felt judged.

Father's day is a minefield, isn't it? My DH DOES NOT TALK. He is supportive and will listen to me all I want, but he has never been any good at expressing himself. I worry about him, but it does seem to be how he deals with things. I know he has found today really hard, he asked I not mention it or do anything at all. We don't have any other children, so this has not been too hard to do. I bought a card for his Dad so he didn't have to. It is just unfair, he is a wonderful husband and would be an amazing father. And he was, under strange circumstances, for 12 days. But I can't acknowledge this in a way that doesn't hurt him and it is really frustrating!

I find myself wanting to shake people in the street and scream at them. I had a baby and he died! How is the world still carrying on? How dare it! Totally mind boggiling.

For Blue and her Sterre. Special name for a special girl.

Love to us all. And to all the fathers missing their little ones.

Hello Tamisara and Mech - I've been lurking for a while tbh and think the support and advice you all give each other is amazing. Noone else really understands - and I wouldn't want them to, but it does make it harder.

I know what you mean about the world carrying on turning. So much stuff that people get worked up about or think is important and it just isn't. I know now that I took so much for granted. I knew how lucky I was, but I never thought my world could be torn apart like this. Nothing could be as bad as this.

thank you lovely ladies!
very emotional day today!
Cried in church this morning, as our Reader did a sermon about Father's day and it was all about how to be a good Father and such, all sounded so happy and cheerful, and I just wanted to scream there are Fathers in here and out there who are missing their child(ren) and children missing their fathers!

MrsKwazii I'm so very sorry to hear about your little girl. I've got a 4 year old and I just couldn't imagine the anguish of life without him. I lost my baby boy 2 months ago during pregnancy, he was too poorly to live a happy life and I miss him so so much. I think at least we didn't know him. We lost our hopes and dreams but you lost a reality. Love and hugs xx

It's 9 weeks today since he died. When do you stop counting the weeks?

Sad welcome MrsKwazii xx

blue I think you were very brave going to church today. I couldn't face it mother's day and I couldn't face it today either, because like you said I couldn't cope with the focus being a happy day.

Been an emotional day here too. A friend of mine had a baby boy this morning, it made DH cry. Belle missed being born on Father's Day in 2010 by eight minutes.

first but you did know him. Just as he was, you knew him. He was part of you and you him. You lost your own reality as well as hopes and dreams, just as everyone else here did. I don't feel because Belle was unborn when she died that I didn't know her. Over the 12 weeks we'd known she was a girl and named her she had really become a little person to us. But even before we knew she was a girl I still felt really connected to her. Don't diminish your loss in comparison to others because your baby died in pregnancy. We have a common bond here, all bereaved parents, it really doesn't matter how or why, when or what age, the result is the same.

Firsttobed I hope I don't offend you, or anyone here, and this is just my opinion, but I don't agree that it's necessarily easier if you don't know them. I agree that there are things that you miss if you've had your child for any length of time, but I don't think that Tamsin wasn't a reality^.

In my mind, by virtue then, someone losing an adult child would be more upset as they'd known them longer - just my opinion, and hope I've not offended.

I'm not arrogant enough to say that I know how anyone else feels, as I don't. I worry sick about DS & DD1, they are my life. I know that I love Tamsin just as much though, and would have happily died for her xx

I think I did know Tamsin, I knew her movements. I also know that I failed her. She was days away from being born safely, but my body let her down. I killed her. If she was outside she would have been fine... grrr... stupid, stupid body.

Blue That sounds really hard. (((hugs))) xxxxx

X posted with fioled who said more succintly xx

Hello First, Fioled and Tami,

I was very lucky to have four and a bit years with DD1, lots of memories and getting to know her character and funny ways - in that respect I am incredibly lucky. I can't imagine how it must be to lose your child before they are born and I am so sorry for you all.

I've been reading lots of books about child bereavement over the last few months and am ashamed to say that I've often been jealous of people whose children died at an older age than DD1. I'm so envious of the time they had with them that I will never have, and that they knew how their life was unfolding and what kind of people they were growing to be. I feel awful admitting this and know that it's wrong. I know that I am "luckier" than many others in having what I had. But whenever we lost our children, we have all lost that hope and future.

Blue Sorry to hear that you are having a hard day

MrsKwazii None of us are lucky :( We've all lost the most important things ever. I too can't imagine what it would feel like to lose a 4 yr old (I have a toddler, who will be 2 in just over a week & DS who's 20). We have all 'lost' and that is the common denominator with us. Thank you for your post, which was beautifully written :) We all have to live with 'what ifs' and broken lives xxxx

Excuse my writing I'm on a different phone and itsvery awkward.

Ha ha chip gas should totally be free :)

Mrskwazii, I am so very sorry for your loss and I hope you eventually find comfort with your decision x

Bizarrely, in this last week the Doctor expressed sympathy for me because I had a baby boy and had him taken away after 12 days, which must be harder than never knowing him. That afternoon my MIL said I was lucky because at least I had 12 days with him, which was more than some people got.

I am not sure either of these are true. We have all lost something so precious. There is no point in comparing our pain, there isn't a scale.

Having said that I have been jealous of people losing older children, people with misscarriges, stillbirths. This does not make me feel like a good person, and does not help in the slightest. We are all suffering.

Tami this was not your fault. Dexter was perfect, just born too soon. We don't know why yet, but it was a problem with me not with him. I feel my body has totally let him down, and robbed my husband of his son, and just I have failed everyone. But part of me knows that this was out of my control, and I shouldn't think that way. It is just torturing ourselves. I hope we can move past blame.

If I could hug us all I would!

Mecha Thank you xx I agree we could all imagine what may be better, but the truth is, we know how hard this has hit us. We are all here, we all support each other, because when everyone in the real world carries on, as if nothing has happened, we can still support each other. xxxx

I have to admit something though. Something I'd not thought of until now, and feel so dreadfully guilty for.

I had a friend whose son was stillborn at 38 weeks, shortly before I conceived DS. I remember being terrified during the whole pregnancy, imagining how awful it would be.

Then after I'd had DS, another friend (my best friend at the time), got pregnant. Her DD was born very, very prematurely (I can't remember how much, but very, very early, unsurvivably). She fought for a while, but died shortly after.

My friend was living in Germany at the time, and when she phoned me, I just cried, I was very upset. I went to the funeral (the body was flown back, as she was an army wife stationed there), and was so sad to see the little white coffin.

A few months later, she came back to England to visit again. I remember her talking about her DD a lot. I remember thinking 'well at least you didn't take your DD out of the hospital, it would be much worse to lose DS, as he's been home, you didn't really know her'! I can't believe I thought that. I was young (22) and naive, and really didn't know better. In fact, I don't think you can 'get' it. I am so ashamed now I think back on it. Needless to say I never voiced it to her, and every year, on her DD's birthday I would let her cry on my shoulder. I just never realised.

You're all right, we cannot compare pain. We have all lost and it is always so personal. I suppose what I should say is that I count my blessings for what I had with DD1. If I knew before she was born that I would only have four years with her, I would still have her. As the saying goes, grief is the price we pay for love x

Tami you sound like a lovely friend. How were you to know? Noone can until it happens to them.

Hello Kate, I'm so sorry about your boys. Taking DD1 off the ventilator was the only thing we could do. Her brain damage was so extensive that the little girl we knew was already gone and if she couldn't breathe on her own, she would have had no kind of life. Just an existence. We couldn't put her through it. I miss her so much.

I'm very aware that I'm just blathering on here. Sorry, it's like a dam breaking.

MrsKwazii Thank you :) Blather away, it's what we're here for. Of course you miss her, it's so terribly unfair. Horrible things shouldn't happen to children should they? It is so wrong xx