A love story : Living without my beautiful red-headed Mia

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

This love story began before Mia was born, intensified when she entered our lives, and it will continue to burn strongly forever. Mia is my red-headed flame, my sweet pea, my noisy sprite. Mia is joy, she is love, she is every good thing you can imagine. And I am so incredibly proud to be her mummy.

Yet she is gone. Mia died totally unexpectedly last October at the age of 13 months. Impossible, but true.

We miss Mia?s cuddles, her weight and her little legs curled around us, her face against our cheeks and her warm arms around our necks, the soothing pats on the back that she would give us as we in turn patted her. She was intimate, coming to us, arms raised, for a reassuring cuddle, but then with a smile, content she would wiggle free, independent and inquisitive about everything around her, exploring her world, looking in cupboards, peeking between the banisters as she climbed the stairs and just revelling in her existence.

I have tried to estimate how many times a day we kissed Mia. Picking her up, putting her down, dressing her, feeding her, washing her hands, just because? it must have been hundreds. Equally, we always made a point to tell Mia every day just how much we loved her. We know she listened.

I cannot begin to adequately describe the love that we have for our little girl. I can only ask you to imagine the most perfect feeling of love and warmth that you can, to double its intensity, and extend it to infinity and you are still not even close to the amount of love that we shared with Mia every second of the her 13 months.

This is her story, and mine, and my reality.

Hope you have a wonderful evening with the ball and that you feel Mia to be very much at the centre of the fun. I know you posted before about the special dress you will wear

What a wonderful idea. I really hope that it is a huge success so that you feel as well as know, that you have done your darling girl, proud!

Let us know how it went when you are able to. Lots of love. X xx

Hello. Only a few hours to go until the Mia's Wood ball begins. Feeling very emotional already. I know it will be a wonderful success, simply because there has been so much love put into making the evening special.

As my brother wrote to me today "She may have only been small, but look at the effect she has had on those people around you, friends, family and strangers. Her reach was well beyond her arms length."

All for you, darling girl. All for you. Our beautiful Mia Alexandra. xx

Thinking of you all this evening and hope the ball is wonderful as I am sure it will be.
What a wonderful way to celebrate Mia and her love and legacy. Xxx

Xxxxxxxxxxx

Lovely words from your brother, Mias, and so true: look at all of us with our arms around you, and all of those in your RL who help to keep Mias alive.
Really hope that the ball went better than you could have hoped or imagined, and look forward to an update once you've absorbed the experience.
Lots of love.

The first Mia's Wood ball was an absolute triumph. And that is the only word which I can use to describe it. It was a wonderful evening of goodwill and love. And we raised over £10,000, an amount which I find to be both staggering and humbling. All for Mia. What a big reach those little arms have!

We had so many people coming up to us saying what a great night they had, and that we should definitely do another ball next year, and just simply giving us hugs and kisses, even though with many of them, we hadn't even met before. So we were wrapped in a lovely warm community of love and happiness, with new friends who lived locally, and other long-term friends who travelled from as far as Edinburgh just to be there for us. So all very special.

I did cry, but only in the afternoon before it all started, when I had already been overwhelmed by a late influx of auction prizes, and then I saw the presentation about Mia's Wood that MrMia had prepared. All Mia's little cousins were there, plus some friends, talking about the wood and what children could do there. Their words were funny and poignant and just perfect.

As I got dressed, ready to put on my refitted wedding dress, I looked in the mirror and thought about the last time I had worn it. A few more wrinkles around the eyes ; a stomach that stretched and contracted twice, bearing us two beautiful children ; and a heart that had been expanded beyond belief with love, yet darkened with the dense pain of loss.

In some ways, I almost felt that the Mia's Wood ball was a 'coming out' for me. Yes, I am a Bereaved Mother. Yes, people may pity me. Yes, I love my daughter and my son more than words convey. But yes, I can still smile and laugh and enjoy myself - all these parts of me are integrated now, and out there for the world to see. I will not make excuses for my moments of happiness, nor will I apologise for my visible grief.

This is Miasmummy, this is who I am today.

Thank you, darling Mia, for all you have given me. I will do my best for you, by loving you and your brother and MrMia forever.

Miasmummy... Your post has brought tears to my eyes. You are inspirational. And yes, you should stand proud knowing that whatever face you are showing to the world is true- you do know the very depths of grief but you also know the heights of love.

You are blessed to be Mia and Finns mummy, but they are equally blessed in having you and mrMias.

So glad for you that Mia's ball was a great success.

What Janey said...

So glad it all went beyond your expectation. As ever, your eloquence puts into words so beautifully all that you think, feel and embody.
My love and thoughts are yours.
Xxx

Thinking of you x

Beautiful words about Mia 's ball- I'm so glad it was a success as you all deserved.
You are such an inspiration to many to people who know and love you and to those who have only met you virtually.
Your love, strength, dignity and bravery shine out like a beacon for others to follow and to try to emulate.

Mia is a special girl born to incredible parents.
Thoughts and prayers xx

Thank you all - Janey, truly, elephants and jmf. It was just a wonderful night.

Another celebration today, with Finn's first birthday. Echoes of Mia's only birthday celebration, but nonetheless, a very special day in our family calendar. Finn has helped us smile again. He is so precious to us.

Happy birthday to your precious boy xx

Happy belated birthday to Finn. I can't believe how fast the year has gone. Hope you had a lovely celebration and that you felt Mia's presence strongly.
Much love xxx

Finn's birthday party today. In the weird way life happens, none of his little playmates can come due, to illness and Christmas commitments, but all the friends we made when Mia was born are joining us. So we have a bunch of three-year-olds with birthday party expectations, rather than unknowing one-year-olds! I don't mind. They all love coming to "Mia's house" to see baby Finn as apparently exciting things are always happening here.

Off to make a 'drum' cake for my noisy boy. Determined to do this, as I didn't make Mia's...

Finn took two steps a few days ago. He is starting to overtake Mia's last little milestones, and soon we will be embarking on uncharted waters of parenthood of a toddler, and her achievements will be swept away. How strange for Finn to have a big sister will never be older than him.

For Christmas, I have asked for the book "What to Expect: The Second Year". A little sad about this, it brings home yet again the jarring knowledge that should not be.

Mia. I love you.

Most people won't remember you in their Christmas cards to us this year, of that I am sure. I know that. But there will be a few who do, and that will be enough. You live so strongly in our hearts and lives, little girl.

So glad that you are surrounded by your lovely and supportive friends. Mia's achievements will never be swept away, Mia's. They are different from Finn's and he will move forward and create a raft of "firsts" for you and MrMias to sweep you into his future. It must be so very bittersweet for you. Hope you have a lovely afternoon and I'll be thinking of you with love. Xx

I love that my friends still send me photos of Mia kisses in the sky, wherever they are around the world. It's good to hear her name being spoken by others.

Little friends remember Mia too. This morning I received this text message...

As we decorated our Christmas tree, Little Miss T declared the large star shaped bauble was for Mia. She thinks Mia is helping Father Christmas by watching over her friends and reporting back! "Mia is magic after all, Mummy, just like father Christmas."

Mia is magic. I love that.

Wearing my Mia leaf necklace as a talisman. Mia's little cousin is unwell and in hospital, and the sixties are trying to ascertain what is wrong. Not the same hospital, but still very scary when a special little person in our lives isn't right. Holding Finn tight.

Mia, please protect your cousin. Protect and look after her. Please, darling.

Sixties? Doctors. Stupid predictive text.

Oh darling Mia's. Thinking of you and sending Mia and Finn's cousin lots of love and light. Please keep us posted. So frightening for you all. Lots and lots of love ... Xxx

Seeing your posts inspires me to believe that we can carry on.
Thank you.

Hope that Mia's little cousin is ok. I LOVED the sound of Finn's drum cake too.