A love story : Living without my beautiful red-headed Mia

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

This love story began before Mia was born, intensified when she entered our lives, and it will continue to burn strongly forever. Mia is my red-headed flame, my sweet pea, my noisy sprite. Mia is joy, she is love, she is every good thing you can imagine. And I am so incredibly proud to be her mummy.

Yet she is gone. Mia died totally unexpectedly last October at the age of 13 months. Impossible, but true.

We miss Mia?s cuddles, her weight and her little legs curled around us, her face against our cheeks and her warm arms around our necks, the soothing pats on the back that she would give us as we in turn patted her. She was intimate, coming to us, arms raised, for a reassuring cuddle, but then with a smile, content she would wiggle free, independent and inquisitive about everything around her, exploring her world, looking in cupboards, peeking between the banisters as she climbed the stairs and just revelling in her existence.

I have tried to estimate how many times a day we kissed Mia. Picking her up, putting her down, dressing her, feeding her, washing her hands, just because? it must have been hundreds. Equally, we always made a point to tell Mia every day just how much we loved her. We know she listened.

I cannot begin to adequately describe the love that we have for our little girl. I can only ask you to imagine the most perfect feeling of love and warmth that you can, to double its intensity, and extend it to infinity and you are still not even close to the amount of love that we shared with Mia every second of the her 13 months.

This is her story, and mine, and my reality.

It is a Mia day here today. The sun is shining and the trees are burning brightly in all their wonderful colours of orange and red x

Today I found a perfect leaf stamp to add to all our Christmas cards, along with a burnt orange inkpad, so we can make sure that Mia is part of our Christmas wishes. Some people will understand, others may not, but MrMia and I will know.

We will too x

Meetings arranged with the hospital tomorrow and Thursday about improvements in paediatrics and communications with bereaved families.

But I have learnt this afternoon that I won't be able to make the second meeting, as it seems that our baby has done a huge growth spurt over the past two weeks, so the consultant wants to rule out late onset gestational diabetes. I have no other indicators, so it is a precautionary measure.

Yet in booking the test for Thursday, I was very conscious that, in my mind, I was making a choice between Mia and her sibling. MrMia was quite clear it was the right thing to do, whereas I would have been happy to delay one more day.

We talked today with the consultant about the mixture of emotions we are expecting to feel with the arrival of Mia's sibling. Joy and relief, along with a heavy dose of sadness and loss, and all the inevitable comparisons with Mia's arrival into our lives.

Nothing will be clear and simple again.

Love and light going your way xxxxx

I haven't had to travel your journey, but I can understand that it must be such a strange mix of emotions, as everlong says. There will be joy and laughter and smiles in your family over the next few weeks, and yes tears too, but I hope you feel mia very close.

On a practical note, I'm sure you're doing the right thing by taking up your appointment sooner rather than later. Right now this new little baby needs your attention, I'm sure everything will be fine but just as a precaution it's best to get checked. So many of us will be looking forward to your new arrival! And although of course this baby is a new little person in his or her own right, he or she is Mia's sibling and I feel sure Mia's spark will live on.

A busy few days, although it is becoming harder to move around easily. The hospital was accommodating about the second meeting clash, and so I was still able to attend after my GD test yesterday. (Happily, my tests are normal, but I am now at the point of discomfort that I think I would like to meet the little person I have been carrying around.)

Some people have expressed amazement that I would be willing to go back into the place where Mia died, and while it has taken some time for me to be able to do so, and there are still many moments of anger, it is really one of the few ways I can feel I am making a difference for my beautiful girl, a way I can continue to be her mummy.

Mia's Wood is another way we will keep Mia in our lives, and I met with the head of her nursery today, to update them on progress, and to ask if families would like to give ideas as to what Mia's Wood should look and feel like. It was a little funny being back there too, as I have such happy memories of watching Mia playing with such concentration in the outdoors area - but it was like I was picking up a strand of my former life.

I would also very much welcome ideas from anyone here about what you and your children might like to see or do in Mia's Wood, and how we can create a natural and magical space.

MrMia and I will be seeing a bereavement counsellor next week. The referral was pushed through very quickly, because of the imminent arrival of this baby, and I am grateful for this. I am not so much concerned for myself, but I think it would be very useful for MrMia, who, while in touch with his emotions, put all his grief into the inquest, and now there isn't that outlet available.

We have realised that Mia's sibling is due to arrive around 400 days after Mia died. Our little red-head was with us for 400 days. But I'm not sure what this coincidental symmetry of time means.

couscous those are wonderful ideas, thank you!

eighttwenty my due date is 7 December, but I will have a ELCS before this, although we are keeping the date to ourselves. An ELCS seemed the most sensible, least stressful option after the trauma of Mia's birth due to an undiagnosed vasa previa, let alone my age and our fears about this baby. However, I am not convinced that baby will also keep to this date and may feel inclined to choose its own birthday. Anyway, it's all very soon.

mias I have followed your threads on here since Feb of this year. I think you write so beautifully about your little girl, and I love to hear about the things she did.

I just want you to know that I think of you often, and I wish you all the luck in the world with the birth of Mias new sibling.

Mia's Mummy-
It only seems like yesterday that I was telling my DH about you and darling Mia and saying that I would really pray that you could be sent a little sibling for Mia. I'm sure the days have been long and hard for you and its been such a journey but everything you have done has been filled with such love for Mias and your grace and courage has shone through.
I will carry on praying for you all and for your unborn baby as he/she gets ready to meet you. In my idea of heaven Mia and her sibling have been together- maybe they spent those 400 days together- Mia filling in her little sibling what to expect and how lucky they both are to be have you as thier Mummy!
Your recent days have been very busy doing such wonderful work in Mia's name. I'm glad you managed to attend your recent meeting and I am sure change will happen - it must do!

In a local wood to me there is a children's nature trail in a Winnie the Pooh theme that is very popular- so maybe if there is a book that Mia liked that you could somehow bring some of the characters to the woods that may be delightful.
I remember you saying how much she liked her sandpit- you could have a sandy area to play in as children love the sand.
Places to explore, logs to climb on and to jump off, a little wooden tree house to sit in for a break.
Beautiful trees and flowers.
I'm sure you will have many suggestions and I know whatever you choose will be just perfect.
I would still love to buy trees when the time is right.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers- I'm really very excited to hear the news of your arrival!
Love and light

Thinking of you without knowing what to say, Mias. I can't imagine what mixed emotions you must feel, but I am thinking of you, and can't wait to hear of the arrival of Mia's sibling! Hope it all goes well and that it brings new hope into your lives.

With much love to you all,

TMD xxx

Oh Mias, I am thinking of you ...

I do so hope that amidst the poignancy of the arrival of your new baby, there is real joy, and hope for a new life and a different path, with Mia shining in all her red-headed glory brightly by your sides.

I've learned so much from reading your wise words, and have been so humbled by your courage and love.

XXX

Always thinking of you, your bravery, your beautiful words and your beautiful Mia. xxxxxx

Hi Miasmummy, just checking in as I remembered you are due very soon. I jmfs thoughts that Mia has been prepping her sibling for 400 days, how beautiful. I think of you all often and am sending you love xx

I love the thought that Mia has been telling her little sibling all about us. I just wish... I just wish it could be us telling Mia all about the baby growing inside me, and how she will become a big sister soon.

A beautiful friend who has lost her husband and a son at birth gave us a special book tonight. It explains how we are never alone. "People who love each other are always connected by a very special String made of love. Even though you can't see it with your eyes, you can can feel it deep in your heart and know that you are always connected to the ones you love."

Always connected, my darling girl.

Thank you for the ideas for Mia's Wood so far. It is going to be a place filled with so much love.

A world of two halves, as it is likely to remain...

Yesterday morning, I had to go back to the hospital for some monitoring, organised more for my own reassurance than anything, I suspect. Yet when all the stats went awry, and the machine started bleeping, it was very hard not to worry, even though I could feel the baby moving normally, and I knew that it had simply moved away from the monitors. The midwife tried to tell me that I should be positive, and didn't really want to listen as to why I have so many fears.

Then last night, we met with a bereavement support officer, who was lovely. I think he was useful in that he has given MrMia some ways to reframe his thinking about the (unjustified) guilt he feels about Mia's death, and the fact he feels he shuts Mia out of his thoughts in order to concentrate on work. He did say that we aren't wallowing in our grief, but that we are instead acting and doing positive things to keep Mia in our lives, which is important. He also recognised just how emotionally exhausting this last year has been as we have battled for the truth about Mia, while coping with the mixed feelings brought by the prospect of a new baby. So I am glad we have started this process, if only to have another perspective to help us shape our own little universe, which will always have a huge Mia-shaped hole as part of it.