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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

I should have been holding my daughter in my arms...

156 replies

spacecadet · 04/02/2006 21:45

..by now.
she was due 11th feb but i was scheduled for induction at 38 weeks.
I know most of you have followed my threads and know whats happened, but for those who dont, i lost my baby at 23 weeks of pregnancy and its just hit me full on now.
i just feel adesperate longing for my baby, i cant describe it, i feel so miserable

OP posts:

QE2 · 07/02/2006 21:53

spacey - don't you dare listen to what anyone else says. Ok you might not be what you were before you had kids - but are any of us? ffs if your ex-dh is that bloody shallow to wimp out on your marriage when things are so tough and then blame you cos you are a bit overweight, well - he ain't fkcing worth it hun. What a pathetic, shallow excuse for a man.

You need to look after yourself, diet if that's what makes you feel better, but don't overdo it. Surround yourself with people who make you feel good about yourself and remember it is not just about your weight, although it's easy to focus and dwell on it when someone has made such hurtful comments about it.

blueteddy · 07/02/2006 22:01

Message withdrawn

BudaBabe · 07/02/2006 22:18

Hi SC - nothing like a good kicking when you're down heh?

FWIW I suspect your H is just using your weight as an excuse. It is something tangible he can use as an excuse to try to make himself feel better about bailing on you when you most need him.

And aren't mothers great? My mother told me at Xmas at the dinner table in front of my sisters (slim) and their OH's that "it is a shame you are so big as it is such a waste". "Oh - so my life is a waste? Well thanks for that!"

At teh end of the day if you are not comfortable as you are you will get to a place when you can tackle that. But you need to concentrate on getting physically stronger first. You can do that by eating healthy and maybe doign a bit of walking. Drink lots of water. Don't rely too much on food and drink as an escape. And you;ll get there. But it's not a priority just yet unless you feel that you are in a position to do it for YOU.

Hugs.

amanda1 · 08/02/2006 08:28

Message withdrawn

FirstNikki · 08/02/2006 13:08

SC sorry for your loss I hope you find comfort soon.

with regard to dh I did follow some of your posts and I am sorry dh is being so horrible. I can't believe your mum is agreeing with him either. I am pleased you are finding support on here. x

best of luck for the future with everything..I don't know if you know there is a slimmingworld thread if you want to join us there too?

Original poster

spacecadet · 08/02/2006 16:36

budababe- at your mum, i guess mums think they can say anything to us and spare the tact.

i had a vertigo attack last night and had no sleep as a result, today i feel dizzy and exhausted, i remember my gp saying that stress can bring on vertigo attacks.

apart from my children, i cant think of anything else good at the mo, im sorry if that sounds negative.

OP posts:

choccywoccydoodaa · 08/02/2006 17:03

Reading back my comment sounds really flippant and it wasn't meant that way. When my Dad died trying to focus on some of the good things (however few) was the only way I got through.

I'm not surprised that you are feeling so unwell - your body is reacting to the immense amount of pressure you are under. It still sounds as if you need some time for you - is there really no-one you could ask to mind the kids, other than your fantastically unhelpful mother?

Original poster

spacecadet · 08/02/2006 19:09

choccy, no dont worry there was nothing wrong with your comment, im just finding it hard to find anything good to focus on.
no there is no one to help, anyway dm lives 230 miles away, im here with no family. if i wasnt ill and didnt have all the palava going on i would be fine.

OP posts:

teacups · 08/02/2006 19:25

Just read this thread Spacecadet and wanted to send you hugs and best wishes at this terrible time. You have so much on your plate and are doing a top job by keeping the show on the road at all! Take it slowly and hope you find some peace soon.

jangus · 08/02/2006 23:12

big hugs SC

hope you get some sleep tonight.
love j

moondog · 08/02/2006 23:17

Ah Jangus Tomorrow is the big day right?
How are you???

Original poster

spacecadet · 09/02/2006 14:48

thank you jangus

OP posts:

Gizmo · 09/02/2006 14:59

at your DD1, SC, she does come out with some crackers, doesn't she? If it's any consolation, the BMI calcs are a bit squiffy, IMHO - I have, in the past, been categorically 'overweight' on those calcs, when I weighed only half a stone more than I do now.

Hope things are looking a bit better today, BTW

Original poster

spacecadet · 11/02/2006 12:53

today, is technically the day that my daughter was "due" although i would have been induced by now, i feel very low and miserable today but have decided to go to the cathedral tomorrow and light a candle for her in her memory.
yesterday dd2 who is only a baby herself, got hold of my memory box where i kept her scan pics, footprints, the photo i have of her when she was born etc and scattered them on the floor, i went beserk, screaming at dd, and ended up collapsed on the floor crying.
its the first time ive really, really cried over her, properly.
i felt so terrible about dd2, she looked so confused, i just sat and held her while i howled.

OP posts:

Original poster

spacecadet · 11/02/2006 12:54

the memory box for my baby who was due now, i should have put, not dd2;s memory box.

OP posts:

colditz · 11/02/2006 13:02

Don't blame yourself for being cross about the box, anyone would have been cross.

mummytosteven · 11/02/2006 13:04

I think howling and anger at some stage (or several) is an inevitable part of the grieving process. I don't think there's any harm in toddlers know that mummy's can get sad too, lose their temper and then make things up with a cuddle.

So sorry that you have been through such a horrible time.

Caribbeanqueen · 11/02/2006 13:22

I agree with mts that anger and crying are part of the process and it's goodi n a way that you could let it out. DD2 will be fine and won't remember anyway.

There's nothing I can say to make you feel better, but if there's anything I can do, please let me know.

vitomum · 11/02/2006 13:30

i am sure your dd2 will be OK. as mummytosteven says it is ok for them to find out we are human and have lots of different feelings and emotions. and if there is any day that you are entitled to a good cry and wail it is today. it sounds as though you have been trying so hard to be strong that you have bottled things up a bit and now they are exploding out of you. letting some emotion out has to be a good thing though i think.

Sallystrawberry · 11/02/2006 13:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

spacecadet · 11/02/2006 15:59

thank you, ive been doing a lot of crying today, its seems to have finally hit me

OP posts:

freeatlast · 11/02/2006 16:03

[[[[[[[[[[hugs]]]]]]]]]]]]

SoupDragon · 11/02/2006 16:05

Dont really do hugs but here are some scaley ones anyway...

NomDePlume · 11/02/2006 16:16

spacey, I am at a loss, you have been through so much recently. I wish I knew what to say. xxx

Original poster

spacecadet · 11/02/2006 16:37

im hoping that once this month is opver, i can start to move forward..hopefully.

OP posts:

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