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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

I should have been holding my daughter in my arms...

156 replies

spacecadet · 04/02/2006 21:45

..by now.
she was due 11th feb but i was scheduled for induction at 38 weeks.
I know most of you have followed my threads and know whats happened, but for those who dont, i lost my baby at 23 weeks of pregnancy and its just hit me full on now.
i just feel adesperate longing for my baby, i cant describe it, i feel so miserable

OP posts:

Report

threelittlebabies · 07/02/2006 10:18

Spacecadet, just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you. How are you today?

spacecadet · 07/02/2006 13:29

thanks TLB, im feeling a bit tearful today, h came to visit the children and we talked, he said he thought he still loved me but didnt find me attractive anymore, he said i was too overweight and that i wasnt the woman he married, felt so gutted and destroyed, couldnt beleive that hes that shallow. my mum sais she didnt blame him, she said oh if you lose the weight everything will be ok, i thought charming so i lose the weight which ive been trying to do and he will want me back, he said he couldnt cxope with my illnesses either.
my self esteem is a minus 100 on the feel like s$%%tometer, i looked in the mirror and thought today, yes you are fat and ugly
sorry for rant.

OP posts:

mummytosteven · 07/02/2006 13:40

god what arses they both are. Your DH isn't the man you thought you'ld married - you didn't think you were marrying a petulant teenager that would bail out at the first sign of trouble. You're not fat or ugly.

littlerach · 07/02/2006 13:40

I'd tell them both to f**k off myself, but nevermind.

Spacecadet, you've had so much crap the last few moths, I really think you areamazing the way you are still going. Neither of them have been much help to you.

Please conentrate on yourself for some time, and take the time that you need to recuperate and grieve.

Marina · 07/02/2006 13:45

Spacecadet, I really am sorry to hear of them both sticking the knife in at such a sad and difficult time for you. One day both of them will look back on how they have behaved and be bitterly ashamed of themselves, I hope.
Some of us on here have been through the misery of empty arms on an EDD. It does slowly get more bearable with time, but you do never forget.
Thinking of you lots and very and especially at your mother's views.

motherinferior · 07/02/2006 13:46

Spacecadet, I am thinking of you.

jaamy · 07/02/2006 13:54

Spacecadet - I can't even begin to imagine how you or all the others on this thread who have lost their little ones are feeling. Huge ((((hugs)))) to you.
And don't you dare feel bad about the way you look. If losing weight will bring your husband back then frankly he's not worth the effort! YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL PERSON. And a loving mother - which is obviously not a title that can be given to your own mother. We will adopt you on MN - think of us all as your loving supportive mothers!!!

spacecadet · 07/02/2006 14:03

mummytosteven-i wish it were true, i long to look like i did when i married, for myself not for anyone else, i hate what i see looking back at me from the mirror

OP posts:

jaamy · 07/02/2006 14:06

It's so difficult to lose weight or make an effort with your appearance when you've been so ill. Wait til you're better, then do it for yourself and not just for your shallow husband or to please your mum!

Gizmo · 07/02/2006 14:10

OH GOD

Spacey, you are not fat and ugly. You're not very well and you're very stressed, which never makes anyone look their best.

As for your DH, well, words fail me. If he hasn't got the gumption to support you properly when you're going through hell, then he doesn't deserve you when you're happy, healthy and gorgeous. Which you will be.

Stick with us, girl, we'll see you right....

mummytosteven · 07/02/2006 14:15

spacey - we were discussing last week, and figured we were about the same weight now - and you wouldn't call me fat or ugly (or not to my face )

Merlin · 07/02/2006 14:17

Oh Space - you really didn't need that from Dh and Mum did you? What completely insensitive people they are. Your Dh doesn't deserve you - he is a weak man (despite all his problems) - he walked away from you when you were really ill and needed him.

Everyone is beautiful in their own way - not just on the outside. None of us are ever happy with the way we look, but you are a fantastic, strong person - just look how you've managed to keep things together. Yes, it's tough, but you will get there - you're doing great.

mummytosteven · 07/02/2006 14:18

just ignore the grinny/not to my face bit - I was attempting to be funny but it's come out all wrong!!!

seriously - you need to cut yourself as much slack as you would cut any good friend - difficult I know when nearest and allegedly dearest are f*cking with your mind.

Misspiggy · 07/02/2006 14:20

SC - you must be feeling so incredibly hurt and angry. Not only has your H revealed himself to be a pathetic, superficial arse but your mother, on whom you should be able to rely on for support and love is doing exactly the opposite and making you feel 10 times worse. I don't think your H has a clue what love is - just look at couples who deal with serious illness or accidents together...that's love, not running away at the first sign of difficulties and then trying to lay the blame at your feet. (((hugs))) x

jaamy · 07/02/2006 14:26

Yes, mummytosteven is certainly not fat or ugly I know because I've seen her in RL. I'm sure that anyone who's seen you in RL, spacecadet will agree that you are neither fat or ugly either - just fed up with being ill and singlehandedly raising 4 children while grieving for your daughter. Not going to mention your relationship as from what I can gather you're better off without him.

Bugsy2 · 07/02/2006 14:58

Just seen this. So much for you to deal with SC. Can't believe your husband is so tragic to think that love is to do with just what someone looks like. Its as though he thinks he bought a product and now its a bit worn out, he doesn't want it anymore. That's not love, that's consumerism.
You have lots of things you need to mourn the loss of and that has to come out of you somewhere. You can't move on until you say goodbye to loved ones or broken marriages, so don't feel that you are not entitled to be sad at the moment.
Very much sympathy & empathy to you.

sunchowder · 07/02/2006 15:48

SC, sending good thoughts over to you. So sorry you are going through this.

threelittlebabies · 07/02/2006 16:00

SC- words fail me. Does your h's giant arseness know no bounds? How DARE he? And so sorry your mum could not find it in herself to be more comforting to you when you are going through all this. If she thinks that all would be well between you if you lost weight (and I am sure you don't need to, but understand you might want to) then she is deluded. I am thinking of you x

choccywoccydoodaa · 07/02/2006 16:17

Can only echo what others have said - you do not need negative, insensitive people like your dh and mum around you at the moment. Life is hard enough without their malice. What on earth is your mother thinking?!!

Just remember what an incredible job you are doing managing to care for your children alone all at such a difficult time emotionally.You must be absolutely frazzled and I only wish we could all do more for you. Is there anything you need right now?

spacecadet · 07/02/2006 17:06

mummytosreven-you are most certainly not fat or ugly.
i want to feel good about myself though, i hate looking like this, its aggravating my back prob too,im going to go to slimming world next week and do something about it. dd came home the other day and said that in her heaslth and social care class, she worked out my bmi and said" mum you are clinically obese",i dont want my kids to be ashamed of me cos im fat.
im sure h will find himself a nice slim bit of stuff, i just hope she doesnt dare put any weight on.
god i cant beleive that he could be so shallow.
i could understand him going cos he was depressed and confused, but just because im not perfect anymore?

OP posts:

misdee · 07/02/2006 17:08

he is making excuses for why he left.

losing weight needs to be done for you, not for him or anyone else. good luck.

mummytosteven · 07/02/2006 21:45

teenagers aren't very hot on empathy sometimes, are they!!?????!!!. If you are keen to start dieting I would have a word with GP first - given you are recovering strength from recent illness, you don't want to unnecessarily reduce your energy by overdoing the dieting!

choccywoccydoodaa · 07/02/2006 21:46

Spacey, somehow you need to try and focus on some of the positive things you have (and have achieved) as these are the things that are going to get you through this.

Come on tell us a little about the good things in your life...

MrsSpoon · 07/02/2006 21:48

Thinking of you.

Lacrimosa · 07/02/2006 21:50

I couldnt possibly find the right words for you so I will just send a{{{{{{hug}}}}} full of love for you X

Flip

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