Feeling very down, will I ever be have another baby?

[bunny2]

Since my second mc I cant seem to dig myself out of this hole, I am crying every day, drinking too much (though not loads), obsessing and feeling depressed. The more I search for answers the bleaker the picture gets. The Royal College of Obstetricians and Gyneacologists have lots of info about recurrent miscarriage and I read on the site "A history of subfertility (conception delay greater than 12 months) is present in 25 -30% of women with recurrent miscarriage. It is frequently due to ovulatory disorders and confers a poor prognosis for future pregnancy outcome". Well, I took over 18 months to conceive after a m/c, then was diagnosed with ovulatory disorders and treated only to miscarry again.

So is that it? Should I give up having another baby? The thought breaks my heart.

Kizzie, I really appreciate you sharing that. It msut have been really tough at the time having that made so 'final' to you. I am so pleased everything went ok. I know no news is good news, but just feel so despondent. xxx

Melliek, I'm keeping fingers crossed for you chuck. It's funny isn't it, there are certain posts/people that just make you cry, we must be so hormonal! I do hope this is your 'month' and if it isn't my thoughts and hopes will be with you for the next, however long it takes. It is so worth it. We will appreciate those babies when we get them - and I MEAN when!! Thinking of you all. It's a comfort to know you;re not alone isn't it. I do have an early scan coming up. They usually do it about 7 weeks, so 2 weeks to sit it out! Love to all xxx

Quacks - have just written to you on the "For mums 2 be..." thread. Bunny, hope you are ok.

Feeling a bit low again today. . I want a baby so much it physically hurts.

Quacks, I am thinking of you. This is an unbelievably difficult time for you and I pray that it ends well. Try not to compare pg symptoms, each pregnancy is different. Can you not get a scan before 2 wks to give you some much needed reassurance? Sending lots of cyber hugs. Bxxx

Melliek, in my last pg, I kept getting pains ands was sure my period was about to come - it never did because I was pg. I so hope you are.

Bunny, I was awake from 5 am this morning - amongst other things thinking of you! You are always so kind and respond to everyone else's posts so thoughfully. I pray that you can get strong again and have the confidence to try again for your much wanted and deserved baby. Please don't give up, You CAN try again. It's a long and difficult process but the outcome is worth the battle. I will go on and on no matter how many. Well at least I hope I will.
Melliek - how are you today?? Any more spotting??

BTW, I don't want a scan any earlier because last time the pain of waiting a week when they couldn't find anything was worse than waiting now.

Lots of hugs Bunny, keep posting. We're all here for each other.xxx

Quackers I missed all this. How are things today?? I had a lull in my pg symptoms with ds.... right before the wave of morning sickness!

Fingers-crossed for you. Do you think you could get a scan sooner?

Bunny2 - Hang in there, it WILL happen.

HI all...Quackers, how are you feeling this morning? I want you to keep in mind that just because you stoped having symptoms doesn't mean anything. Jeeze...last time I had symptoms right up to the day I had my d&c and the baby didn't even grow so you never know what your body will do. I think that everything is okay, that is what I pray for you.Did you think about doing a preg test at home just to see if the line is still strong?
Bunny, how are you this morning? I bet you from now on you are going to start to feel more hopeful. Do you plan on having one more prd before you try again? I you still feel down believe it or not but time does heal all wounds...you don't forget but the bitter taste isn't as strong.We are all here to support you kid!!
As for me, only spotted yesterday (dark in color) and spotted after having intercourse (sorry!) and it was the same as last time that I was prg. I told dh that I might be and he seems to think that I am not. Not very good support on his part. I don't know , deep down I could swear that I am prg...but don't want to get my hopes up. Prd isn't until fri....how long do I have to wait to do an accurate test??

It's very easy for me to say - but don't give up bunny. I'm SO sorry and can only pray for you. Please keep strong and focus on the positive things in your life - like the son you do have. The stress you must be feeling can't help. Lots of love and luck. xx

Melliek, sounds promising for you. Thankyou for your thoughts, you are very sweet and it is greatly appreciated. You would be able to test the day your P is due with a clear blue, but I've had a positive a couple of times with First response a couple of days before. Can you wait till FRi???

Quackers....can I wait, no! Do I have to , yes! It's really driving me crazy. All of the tests that I have so far say no so there is no sense in waisting anymore. It's just to soon. Last time when I was prg it showed pos the week after ovulating. Come to find out that when there is a surge of hormone like that it usually means that there is a problem. So...I am hopeful!!

It's very easy for me to say - but don't give up bunny. I'm SO sorry and can only pray for you. Please keep strong and focus on the positive things in your life - like the son you do have. The stress you must be feeling can't help. Lots of love and luck. xx

What do you mean Melliek, sorry I'm lost with that??? Which hormone and why would it mean a problem??

Thomcat and M2T, thanks for your messages. It is so good to feel suported at MN, sometimes support at home is bit on the thin side.

Melliek, now I am getting excited for you! I am grinning as I type this. Do the test when you are ready and LET US KNOW at once. Oodles of good luck to you.

Quacks, I know I dreaded my scan last time. I almost had to be dragged into the room. Despite craving some reassurance for weeks when it got to the moment of truth I wanted to run away and delay not knowing for a little longer. I dont know if that is how you are feeling. Scans were sooo exciting during my first pg, now they terrify me. I wont give up, I believe there are few things worth fighting for in life but this is one of them. It is just so heartbreaking, this whole cycle of waiting for periods, waiting for ov, waiting to test etc and then the devestation of mc. Why cant it be easier for us?? I hope you feel a bit less anxious today Quacks.

I feel a bit more hopeful today that something can be done to improve my chances of a healthy pg. The more I read about antiphospholip syndrome the more I think it might be my problem (of course now I am totaly obsessed with finding out all I can, hope I am not barking up the wrong tree). I see my Consultant on Thursday and have my list of questions/demands MIL will kindly pay for private tests) so I'll know more then.

Hi Bunny, you sound much brighter today. On the St mary's website, it says that women with anti phos whatsits have an 80% chance of success after diagnosis and treatment with heparin and aspriin!! Without treatment m/c rate 90%!!! have a look!! I think your Doc can test for this too. HTH xxxx I do feel just like that. Dying just to know, but on the day (if I get that far) I will be a wreck and probably be sick from nerves etc... It is a endless cycle as you say. I;ve been there too many times this yr, as have many of us and it might have to be a break if all goes wrong. I am a bit brighter today and keeping chin up!!!
xxxx

Quackers, I mean the htp hormone ( I think that is what its called).Usually you can only pick it up when your prd is due, but for me last time I had it right away. The home prg test showed pos,that is what i mean sorry! Only 4 days until my prd is due, then I can get a test, don't know if I am feeling slight cramping or just my imagination. UGH!
Hugs to all !!!!

Do you mean HCG?? Yes it can be picked up as soon as embryo implants. Fingers crossed!!

Hi Quacks thanks for the info, couldnt respond last night as I was in bed crying. Dh thinks I should go for counselling but it just isnt my thing. Anyway, I read the info on the St Marys site and in the book by Prof Regan, very interesting... I am desperate for them to test me for it (and PCOS) (almost tempted to go to USA where they are so much more clued up). Hope you are ok today, how are you feeling?

Well ladies, it doesn't look too good for me this morn. Just had some bright red spotting so I think prd is on the way. This makes me so angry because I was so certain that I was prg. I could've almost bet my life on it...good thing that I didn't. Well, i'm trying to think positive. I'll just have to try again next month.

Bunny, is your dh being a good supporter through all of this? Men truly don't understand the pain but it helps if they want to listen and hold you through the tears.

Quackers, how are you feeling today? Anything new...keep us posted!

Bunny, I am so sorry this is making you so unhappy. I do know what it's like to hit the bottom. You just feel like nothing can ever make you happy again. I even would take it out on DD, not physically but just felt so down I couldn't play etc... I was like this for about 10 weeks. I bounced back form the first m/c after a few weeks with the hope of trying again. It was just too much to happen again and I fell to bits. My doctor referred me to a counsellor, but like you it just wasn't my thing. That told me I was basically strong but had hit a very low point. Someone recommended an aromatherapist/reflexologist and thought I would give it a go. I held back from her for about half an hour, then something she said about angels made me cry and I couldn't stop. She was so comforting, neutral and caring. The worst thing is she has one child and he is older and she can't have any more. I think that is so strong. I had 2 sessions with her and I felt incredibly different about things. I lost sight of the bigger picture and what I do have right now, not before or what I will have . Just right now. That could all be lost tomorrow. Do you think you could see this eventually? I hope i don't sound crap but perspective is amazing and it's only when it's shown to you that you can help yourself out. Hugs {{{}}}
Melliek, I'm ok thanks, trying not to think tooo much about it and keeping busy!!! Sorry your AF on it's way, symptoms can seem the same sometimes, although I just always have an incling. Love to you.xxxx

Dear Bunny, sorry I missed this thread before, just wanted to send you an enormous HUG - please let us know how you get on at the consultants on Thurs. Jxxx

Hi Jodee, thanks for the message, when will we see you in Bournemouth??

Melliek, spotting doesnt necessarily mean a period, I really wanted you to be pg. I feel we are in this together! Dh is lovely and supportive but I dont think he understands how deeply I grieve. Yesterday he said he was in as much pain as me and I thougt "No, you cant be, it's different for me". I will never know if his pain is as deep as mine but I dont think a man's can be.

Quacks, thank you so much for your thoughts. Today I feel able to cope without the need for any outside help but who knows what tomorrow will bring. I wanted to confide in the Reverend at my local Church. I only started going there because I wanted to get ds into the school (cynical I know) but since my mc I have been going to Church to try and find some answers somewhere. The Reverend is lovely and keeps asking me if I want to talk (he can see I am not quite right) and part of me really wants to open up but I just cant. The only person who has really seen me upset is dh and even he hasnt seen the full extent of it. So opening up to a stranger/aromatherapist/counsellor is probably out of the question for me. I come from a family that doesnt talk about emotion, very stiff upper lip, and it's a very hard habit to break. How are you? I guess I would do the same as you and keep busy, count each day that passes without incident as a day closer to the time your baby is born. I know you cant really enjoy being pregnant right now but it is such a special time, try to have some lovely moments that you can look back and treasure when you hsve your baby. I have so many wonderful memories of my first pregnancy when I was expecting ds, it was such an amazing 9 months.

Bunny2 - sorry things are so crap for you at the moment, I'm sending big cyber hugs your way and will pray for you. I hope that this gives you some comfort.

Hi girls! Bunny, I feel really down right now. I spotted a little bit off and on this morn, really not alot but I took a test today, again, the first response and it said neg. My prd is due on Fri so I think that it would show by now. I am really trying not to be upset but man, I was just so certain. Watching those shows today ,A Baby story and Oprah and I am crying so much! Crying for the babies i've lost and crying for the baby that I want so bad! I know that I would make such a good mom, i'm healhty and I am so ready to dedicate my life to a beautiful baby. Why is it so hard for me. I feel even like it is wrong for me to pray to God to please let me have a healthy baby, but then at the same time I feel guilty because there are so many women out there who would make fantastic mothers but they can't even get prg. It's just a bad day today. I think that we all have these and I am thankful that I found this great place full of great women where we can all share our ups and downs.
Enough about me. It is so true that men will never be hurt the same when it comes to this.I don't think that they have that yearning every time they see a baby or feel the emptiness inside after having found out that you are no longer prg. But, in another sense you are so lucky to have someone that is supportive. My dh wanted me to go back onto the bithcontrol again....and he said that to me the same day that we had the scan.Just not very sensitve to the situation.
Anyhow, hugs to all, Quackers, how are you hon??

Melliek, it's just TOO early. I'm sorry but if you;re not due till Friday, the liklihood of getting a positive is very low. First response say they will only pick up 60% of positives at this stage. By Friday it should be 99%!!! Hang in there!!!

Quacks - My AF isn't due until Sunday.... I did a boots test last night and got a very faint line.