Feeling very down, will I ever be have another baby?

[bunny2]

Since my second mc I cant seem to dig myself out of this hole, I am crying every day, drinking too much (though not loads), obsessing and feeling depressed. The more I search for answers the bleaker the picture gets. The Royal College of Obstetricians and Gyneacologists have lots of info about recurrent miscarriage and I read on the site "A history of subfertility (conception delay greater than 12 months) is present in 25 -30% of women with recurrent miscarriage. It is frequently due to ovulatory disorders and confers a poor prognosis for future pregnancy outcome". Well, I took over 18 months to conceive after a m/c, then was diagnosed with ovulatory disorders and treated only to miscarry again.

So is that it? Should I give up having another baby? The thought breaks my heart.

Sorry about me earlier - just had a bit of a moment.

I hope that everyone has a fantastic christmas and that 2004 brings lots of beautiful bouncing babies! I hope and pray that it will! We certainly all deserve it!!

(I must get to grips with all the abbreviations! )

Turkey - completely understand about not being up to seeing the baby right now. I said on another thread yesterday that my friend was at the hospital about to have her twins so I had her dd for the night....well she came back home this morning spent the day resting and I had a call 40 min ago asking me if I could have her dd again - her waters have broken and will likely have them tonight. Our dd's are 2 weeks apart and so would these ones have been ....it's been incredibly difficult watching her go through this pregnancy. I can't keep thinking like that I know, it's not healthy and I do have to move one, but right now, especially right now it's really difficult. When she called I said yes, be right over and then burst into tears. DH doesn't know how to handle it anymore.
But as everyone is saying, 2004 is just around the corner, we are having tests done which may or may not give answers but should help us to move on hopefully to brighter things. And Bunny - like you, it would be nice to say that's why I lost it....but on the other hand like Turkey know that everything is fine. And unlike you Eyelash - I've been told to wait until all blood results are back.
I do seem to harp on about it here but really, this is the only place that I do. It's such a comfort knowing that I can say things like I do and not be told to stop moping or that I have to forget about it and move on etc etc.
Happy New Year to us all! Will raise a glass ( ahem a large one) for a very special toast to everyone here - Bunny, Turkey, Eyelash, Melliek, Brunhilda, Niknki.........and anyone else I've forgotten.....Knowing I'm not alone feeling the way I do does make it easier. And quacks and Lazyeye too - our own graduates!!
love hana

Hello bunny2, Im sending you happy positive thoughts. I am not sure exactly what ovulatory disorders means but my sister in law recently thought she might of had to give up on hoping to have a child as she has suffered with endomotreseosis (sorry spelling) for years and all the treatment for it caused her problems with her reproductive system - (not too sure). she also had to have an ovary removed this year and her other ovary woul dnot release eggs, therefore she was given very high doeses to make her one ovary release eggs. through IVF she finally released 3 eggs, when normally the drugs would make your ovary release over 20 (i think). i am delighted to say that two of those eggs survived and right now as we speak two little boys are growing inside her and i hope to meet my little nephews in the new year. its mad how much can change and how your luck can turn. i gave birth in april this year which was very painful for my sister in law as at the same time she had one of her ovaries and some suspicious cysts removed. so in april she was faced with the possibility of cancer... but thatnk god she was ok and 8 months down the line she is pregnant with two!!! its still makes me smile. i prayed for her everyday. i will pray for you two... dont worry im not some religious nutter. i do beleive in positive thinking and whenvyou ask should you give up trying I say no. fingers crossed for you and you will be in my prayers. take care

Babymaker, what a lovely message, Thankyou. I love to hear stories of women having babies against the odds. The nurse who took my blood this morning told me about a woman who couldnt get pregnant, she eventually did when she was 45 and went on to have a healthy baby. It gives me such hope to hear these stories.

Eyelash, bugger the diet, it's Christmas after all. I have been guzzling stilton and red wine for the last few days (I always guzzle wine but usually avoid cheese like the plague). Let's try again with renewed enthusiam in the New Year. I am going to enjoy what is left of 2003, there have been some terrible times but also some great ones, I shall enjoy the rest of it in style. Then New Years day it's off to join the gym (well, maybe).

Glad I made you smile, my sister in law is 35 by the way, she didnt want children until she approached 30. She so wants these two little babbies, I know she is going to be a wonderful mum... makes my eyes water. When we all heard she was pregnant it was the best news in the world... unknown to her we had almost began to give up hope but like I said you just never know. Your luck may change and I truly hope it does, if only womam who derserved childern where more easily blessed than mothers who mistreat theirs. May 2004 be your year that brings you love, luck and happiness!

Gosh there's loads of messages!!! Don't know where to start.
Norfolk, I think you did exactly the right thing. I would send a card and decline the offer of a visit. They will understand. When you are ready, then you can drop by when she's alone perhaps. This is what the M/A say too in their brochures. You are not obliged to go.
Bunny, hana, etc.. godd luck with your tests, I understand about the not wanting to know and wanting to know it's something. I'm so glad you are getting some well deserved investigations though.
Finally, I have my second scan today - petrified - again, but praying all is well. I'll let you know. Thanks as always for thinking of me. You're all very special people!!!!!

Everybody - Thanks to everybody who has put on the inspirational and hopeful messages. I really love this thread and find it such a tonic.

Hana - willl be thinking of you over the next few days and particularly on the 26th. This must be a very difficult time for you. Does your friend remember that Friday would have been your due date? Obviously she will be otherwise occupied but it doesn't help. Hopefully you will feel free to come onto this thread for support.

Quackers - best of luck for your scan today. So nerve racking and wonderful at the same time. Please let us know how you get on.

Bunny2 - def up for diet again in new year and hoping it coincides with af.

This is the due date of my first miscarriage 3 years ago. It happened in between ds1 and ds2. The memory tree we bought is thriving. But if that miscarriage had continued I wouldn't today be mum to the most wonderful son who was conceived a few months later. So a very odd one!

Hi Eyelash, you sound brighter chuck! That is an unusual anniversary, the tree sounds lovely!

Just an update, I never know wether post here but for those who would like to know, my scan was fine, all is well and I am very releived.

Have a fantastic Xmas, will be Monday before I post again!
Love to all Qxxx

Sorry - miscarriage was 2 and a half years ago and baby was due two years ago!

Quackers - I am much better. hcg is down to 11 and bleeding has more or less stopped. Also convinced dh that really we should ttc again at least for the first half of 2004. He has his 40th in July and doesn't want to be an old dad.

How did the scan go?

Quacks, that is so great. I am so happy for you, what a fab Xmas pressie!! That's great news. Have a wonderful Christmas. LOL Bunnyxxxx

Eyelash, anniversaries and significant dates are so hard arent they? The first baby I lost was due April 24, the second on April 26. I am already dreading that week and know it is going to be so sad.

sHANtA, You need to give yourself time. Men dont understand the degree of our pain, my dh is lovely but I think he would be surprised at the amount of time I spend thinking about my miscarriages, they are constantly on my mind. My heart flips everytime I scroll down past the April babies thread. I dont think I will ever be able to read it now. Please be kind to yourself and take the time you need.

Turkey, I understand exactly what you mean. Dont feel guilty, people do understand, or at least sympathise, about your history. Send a card and face them when you are ready. No feelings will be hurt.

Thanks again BabyMaker, love your messages.

bunny - have you tested for thrombofilia? My blood tests came back with elevated anticardiolipen levels and I need to have the blood tests repeated at the end of January - and if they are elevated then, I would then have the antiphospholipd syndrome and be given the baby aspirin. I was taking it for about a week, then thought maybe I should wait. My period is still late - I know I'm just quite stressed about everything and don't dare do another test. Has been an awful couple of days...roll on 2004.
hana

Hana, I'm sorry to hear you are having a tough time. I found New Year quite hard and had a bit of a cry this morning. I have replied to you on another thread about seeing your gp tomorrow. It's important that you get early advice. I really hope you get some good news, reassurance and sound advice tomorrow. I am being tested for antiphospholipid syndrome and eagerly await the results. I have been reading up on it but it's a bit confusing. Happy New Year. xxx

Hello my friends, how are you all this week? Happy new year!!
I hope it brings some much deserved and wanted good news for all!!
Hana, how are you?? Did you get my message on the other thread about the success rates for women diagnosed with APS?? Have you had a look at the Lesley Regan book? I could send it to you if you like??
Bunny, Eyelash, how are things with you?

Quacks, thanks for your message, you sound so upbeat which is a nice thing to see! I'm not so upbeat but really would like to be Thanks for the offer of the book - I have read it countless times myself and has been very helpful I ended up buying a copy after I had renewed it at the library 3 times! ....AF started on the weekend so that's left me quite down . Someone said on the ttc thread that there are only 3 months left to have a baby in 2004 and that just made me even more down. 2 now for me I suppose.
I'm not sure what the results will show - the second bloodtests aren't until the end of the month. And if they are still elevated, my chances are still very very good, aren't they? Everyone is pregnant all around me which isn't a nice place to be, I guess the pain still flares up when I don't always want it too. Trying not to think too much about it, but it's always there. Please keep posting your happy and positive thoughts fo me and the others!
hana

I'm sorry Han, you do sound very low. Firstly it depends how long your cycles are as to how many months left there are in 2004! If you are twenty eight days it still leaves another month. More importantly though, wouldn't it be lovely to know your were EXPECTING a baby, even into 2005? I would see it as having 12 months or 13 cycles to try and GET pregnant, it sounds like a much smaller mountain to climb. You don't need daft statistics like that. Don't torture yourself so much. You are at the starting block again and you will succeed. You've probably done the hardest bit, having lost. Only good can happen from here. Hope I don't sound too preachy but I've had so many downs, I just want you to know that there is another side and you will get there!!
Lots of lovexxxx

Hana - so sorry you are having a rough time at the moment. The sooner you have your test results the better.

Quackers - really glad your pregnancy is progressing well. As for me - see my latest message for the gist of where we are at at the moment. We are having six months off and then re-evaluating in June.

Bunny2 - how are you feeling?

Hiya, yes I have finally caught up with the conception thread. I do think I would do the same Eyelash. I just know that if I lost this one then I would need to not think about having a baby for a while, short term at least. I wish you well for the next few months and when you feel ready to try again, we'll all be here to give you encouragement and support. Take care Q xxx

Hiya, Hana, sorry you're still down, I have had similar thoughts about having a baby before the end of the year but Quacks is right, it doesnt matter if the baby is born this year or next, being pregnant is the important thing. If you have APS I think, with the right medication, your chances of a healthy pregnancy are as good as anyone elses.

I see my Consultant next Tuesday to discuss the results of my tests but I want to know NOW. I am desperate to start bding again (poor dh is feeling a bit neglected right now).

Quacks, it's good to hear from you. You must be nearly 12 weeks, wow!

How's everyone else?

Hiya Bunny, great to hear from you! A week to wait then until the results of your tests. I hope it passes quick for you!! Yes I'm 11 weeks now.

Quacks, do you have another scan at 12 weeks?

Hi Bunny, yes I will have another next week, just waiting for an appointment.
I meant to ask you yesterday, will you be going back on Clomid this time or are you waiting to see what is said at your appointment next week?

Would you believe it, they buggered it up AGAIN. I got a call from Consultants sec this afternoon. They did the blood tests for APS wrong and I have to go for more blood tests tomorrow. So its another 2 hour wait in Pathology and another cycle missed by the time the results come back. I am mega pissed off about it. The most annoying this is when I saw the Cons., I had the miscarriage book with me and pointed out the importance of doing the blood tests (for APS) in a very specific way as outlined by Leslie Regan in her book. The Consultant brushed off my concerns that the tests would be performed incorrectly but I was right, they were. Damn, lost another month

bunny I am shouting at them for you. MAN what a piss off!!!!!!! Do you have any come back? Oh, so upset for you grrrrrrrrrr they just don't realize what it means to women like us do they? What can I say? YOu must be so well, feeling lots of things. Helpless to start with. I know I felt like that after my consultant's appt in December. I am having a second set of bloods at the end of the month for APS - the first set came back elevated. I'm sorry it wasn't the outcome you were expecting

love hana

oh I shouldn't be swearing, oops

also want to say that so many doctors don't seem to know their facts about all of this - when my first results came back and the doctor was telling me ( over the phone) what was high - she at first said it wasn't significant - but she would have to talk to someone. I said I would need the bloodtest repeated to know for sure and she said she didn't think so but would get back to me. A few days later she did say that I should have the blood tests done again 6 weeks after the first and look for elevated levels again, etc etc. I said I knew all of this and NOW could I go ahead and book my bloodtests - she said why didn't you tell me this the other day....well, who has the DR in front of their name?!?!?! Makes you wonder. I do realise that this isn't everyday kind of stuff - but on the other hand, it's frightfully common and they should know.
love hana