Feeling very down, will I ever be have another baby?

[bunny2]

Since my second mc I cant seem to dig myself out of this hole, I am crying every day, drinking too much (though not loads), obsessing and feeling depressed. The more I search for answers the bleaker the picture gets. The Royal College of Obstetricians and Gyneacologists have lots of info about recurrent miscarriage and I read on the site "A history of subfertility (conception delay greater than 12 months) is present in 25 -30% of women with recurrent miscarriage. It is frequently due to ovulatory disorders and confers a poor prognosis for future pregnancy outcome". Well, I took over 18 months to conceive after a m/c, then was diagnosed with ovulatory disorders and treated only to miscarry again.

So is that it? Should I give up having another baby? The thought breaks my heart.

You are NOT failing your DS in any way, shape or form. This string of heartbreaking tragedies are not your fault, please, please try to remember that.

Love and hugs

Thanks WSM. I know it is not my fault but I do feel like I have let lots of people down particularly ds (he loves babies and would be such a perfect big brother), dh (wanted loads of children), my parents (dote on ds, their only grandchild). So of course the guilt just makes me feel even more crap about everything. I told dh he was free to have children with someone else, it is me who is likely to be condemmed with infertility. I know he would never leave me but the fact is if he wanted to father more children he COULD, it is ME that cant.

Oh Bunny, I'm sure that all of these feelings are part of your natural grieving process but the fact is that your DH loves you for you, not for your fruitful womb ! Beating yourself up over what isn't yet confirmed will help nobody.

but bunny you guys are a couple, you can't tell him that he can have kids with another women just because you're BOTH having difficulties right now? Yes it's you that carries the pregnancy, but it's both of you ttc, and after that he's with you through the good and the bad. It's hard to get away from feeling guilty, but please don't feel guilty. Certainly nothing you have done.
Sending you a hug.
love hana

Bunny2 You asked how I cope - I think by trying not to think about it too much! Counting my blessings etc. The circumstances of my m/c were very scary. There is about a 5-10% chance of going onto develop cancer following a molar pregnancy so in the beginning I just lived from test to test hoping I would be OK. I think its really only in the last 6 months that I've started to really consider that there will probably be no more children for us.

Like you my DH would really like another one and I entirely understand that you feel you are letting him down. I feel exactly the same. I feel my body is letting both of us down to tell the truth.

Much of the comments on this thread are very helpful in a rational sense - yes we know that its not really our fault etc etc, but the problem is that my feelings about the whole thing are slightly irrational. Rationally I know that I am very blessed to have 2 wonderful children, irrationally I feel robbed of the family that my DH and I had planned.

Have you discussed your concerns about being pre-menopausal with your GP - they can do some tests to confirm this?

I really do wish you the best of luck with TTC, if you want to talk more and it doesn't upset you too much then I'm more than happy to talk too!!

jmg, I dont know much about pre-menopause but have convinced mysefl it is a possibility. I have had a few hot flushes but not much more to base my self-diagnosis on. My question is does being pre-menopausal render you infertile or is there still hope?

Ended that post too early.

Hana and WSM, I know dh loves me for me not my womb but I still feel horrendously guilty though rationally I know there is nothing I have done to cause this. Dh left his partner of 13 years because she didnt want children (she already had a dd, not with dh). That is how committed he was to having a family. He has always talked of a big kitchen full of smiley children round a big table (a bit Bradey Bunch but I shared that dream, we even have the big kitchen and huge table). So this is all about the end of our dreams and hopes and it is really sad.

bunny, sounds a bit corny, but sending you another hug
love hana

Bunny2 - please try not to get overwhelmed with all the information you can get on the net. It isn't helpful when there will be things referred to that you do not understand. Do ask your GP to refer you back to your obstetrician/gynaecologist who will be able to discuss all the issues you have and answer questions. You have a child already which means your body can do it. I have seen many women with problems similar to yours who go on to have normal pregnancies. You need some pampering time for yourself - aromatherapy massage or something like Reiki make make you feel a bit brighter. Never lose hope.

jmg, just answered my own question, conceiving is possible during pre or perimenopause. Horray. that's one fear gone. However, the prognosis for future pregnancies is still bleak. Are you definately in the menopause? Has your gp confirmed it? I have been doing some searches and apparently it is possible to get pregnant even if you havent had a period for months.

Anyway, off to pick ds up from pre-school now.

bunny 2, maybe I shouldn't give up hope yet then .

I have been to the GP and have had some blood tests done but have not yet had the results. Like you I have had a few hot flushes and also some joint pain but otherwise nothing too severe.

I will try to keep a more positive mindset about the whole thing - but it is hard sometimes.
Mears advice re pampering is a good one - I really never feel I have much me time. Maybe all the rushing around and very busy life doesn't really help.

I went out with friends last night, two have twins and one has triplets, I felt really inadequate. . On a more postitive note I think I have getting my first period after the last m/c so that might explain why I have been feeling so terrible. Cant wait for my cycle to return to normal. Today I actually think I might have another baby one day, it's such a lovely feeling and makes me smile to myself. Perhaps there is some hope for me.

jmg, I wont if you wont.

Issymum, we have always talked about adoption, our plan was to have our (biological) children first and then adopt two children. We both adore children and want a big family. So adoption has always been there in the back of my mind. I just wasnt expecting to be considering it now, perhaps in a few years. BTW, you sound like a lovely Mum.

Bunny2, I feel so bad for you..you must be really having a tough time. Trust me, finally getting your first period after the m/c does change your emotional state. Your hormones are so crazy that it can be almost a relief. The pain doesn't go away but I think that you can start to think more clearly when the hormones arn't involved. I know for me it was a green light after 1st prd, which was just the beginning of this month so now I am waiting patiently until next week to see if I get my prd or not. God...it is such a killer. All of the emtions though of feeling inadequite, being the only one with no baby, I am on the same page as you but it doesn't mean that it's true. Sometimes we have to go through some heatache before we can really realize what God truly blesses us with. So...when you do finally get preg, and you will, you will love that baby more than life itself.

bunny2 everyone copes in different ways, but in the end we DO cope, and I do hope it is getting easier for you. My 1st was born 10.06.94, I had a m/c on 09.11.95, I fell pg with 2nd without having a period inbetween, he was born 19.09.96. I then went on to having 2 more m/cs, 27.04.98 and 01.06.01, I was devestated, then I became pregnant with my heart baby, I knew from about 12weeks that there was something wrong with the pregnancy, as diabetic mothers have more scans, than other pg women, my baby was born with a heart defect, intestines outside his belly, facial palsy, and overlapping toes........This has made me accept my m/cs, as I think to myself, there must have been something very serious in my babies make-up, for them not to have made it. It has taken a long time, but I have now forgiven myself. Everything starts and finishes with you, make your disision, what do you want to do next? Good luck to all of you still trying!!!!!!!

Survivour...wow. What great words of wisdom. Your story is sad but do you really make such a strong point. There is a reason for the m/c and God knows best. I feel for you survivour. I bet that you are a very stong person because of what you had to go through.

Survivour, you hit the nail on the head about forgiving yourself. For a while I felt very angry becasue it appears to be my body that is doing something wrong. I think that anger is lifting a bit now and today I feel a bit better than I did tomorrow. Hopefully I am climbing out of this hole.

Melliek, I am so happy to have a period! Now we are back on 'normal' territory. I shall count the weeks till my next one (no ttcing this month) to see if my cycle has returned to its normal 5 weeks (between my 2 miscarriages my cycle was all over the place). I also feel less bloated, I was like a balloon last week. I hope you are ok, it will be so wonderful if you were pg this month. What a great end to the year. I really hope it happens for you.

Hello again, wise words and it made me think and account a little. Bunny, good to hear from you. I'm glad you feel the anger stage is coming out soemwhat. I do think of you, I am so glad we have Mumsnet to discuss all this. I have no wise words today myself except that I send lots of hugs.

Melliek, periods do all over the place don't they. Mine took a couple of months after each loss to right themselves. Did you have a look at the link I put in a post further down for Bunny. It has lots useful info on m/c and periods after and trying again.

I don't want to sound like a drama queen, but I'm convinced I will be back here a third time. I just don't feel I'm progressing well. Only time will tell I know, but I'm suffering so. I cry alot and don't know if I was readt for all this . A healthy baby at the end yes, but not another loss.

Lots of love all xxxxx

Oh Quacks, I just left you a message on the other thread. What you are feeling is so normal after what you have been through. I wish there was some sort of reassurance you could get. I so badly want another baby but I do wonder if I could mentally get through another pregnancy. I know another mc would push me over the edge. If I do get pregnant again, I will be the same as you I am sure. Remember both your miscarriages were very different so there is probably not a link, you were most likely just extremely unlucky to have 2 of them. If there is not a link between your miscarriages then there is no reason not to carry this baby to term. You have had more of your share of bad luck, now it is time for some good luck instead. Hugs to you. Bxxxxxxxxxxxx

Quackers, i feel so bad for you. I'm sure everyone that has had a m/c and has became preg after knows exactly how you feel right now. You are scared and it's hard to be excited about being preg for the fear of losing it again. Everyone here is praying for you ,I am sure of it.Hold strong!
Bunny2, I am really going crazy right now. prd not due until the 28th but I am having funny pains right now, the only other time that i've these pains were when I was preg. It's like little sharp pains down low off to the side a bit. They arn't cramps just little quick stabbing pains. It's too soon for implantaion( I think) so mabey I just want to be preg so bad that I am imagining it all. Who knows.
It's true though, as soon as you have your first prd after your m/c it's like a complete release. You feel balanced again. I hope that things are going better for you bunny!Take care!!

Thankyou both for your very kind words. I so much appreciate it, cos you both know how I feel and you ahve your own worries. It's just , I had very strong symptoms and now pretty much nothing. I just don't feel pg anymore. Bunny it's at exactly the same stage as the last m/c now, so I think if this does end the reason will be most likely the same. I do know I'll get referred to St Mary's but I just want, like all of us a healthy happy pgcy and baby. I know another will push me over the edge and I can hardly type for the tears. My DH is being so good and supportive, but I know worse times will come if it goes wrong. My little DD doesn't understand and says all the time she want s a 'baby brother/sister. Lots of love to you both. Praying for us all. xxxxxx

Melliek, BTW, I have had those painsboth times, it was where the baby was attached in my case and just before AF I would feel it. It might be the womb lining thickening and you;re a little sensitive from m/c. Don't worry, only if you get some irrregular bleeding.
xx

Quackers, I don't even know you but your words brought tears to my eyes. I feel so bad that you have to have such sadness when you should be nothing but happy. Sometimes I feel like it is so unfair that we cannot just get preg and be thrilled from start to end rather than worrisome. Have you been for a scan yet? If you have ask for another immd.
Still having those pains in the same spot for three days now, spotted a little today too. I am hopeful but have done a few tests and all say neg. Mind you prd is not due until fri but who knows. I can't get my hopes up just yet.
Thinking of you both Quackers and Bunny.
Hugs!!!

Dear Quackers - I havent had your experience of miscarriage but I had my children via IVF and I really relate to your fears and worries about pregnancy 'feelings' After failed attempts I eventually became pregnant and remember clearly doing so many tests at various weeks in because I didnt feel that I had pregancy symptoms. In fact it got to the point where the line on the pregnancy test actually started to get weaker because the tests measure early hormones (I think - Im sure thats what someone told me at the time - but maybe they were just trying to akke me feel better.)
I had been told that this was my 'last chance' - and that it was unlikely that any future IVF would work for various reasons so I was very very anxious.

Anyway I really really hope it works out for you this time - but I just wanted to let you know that I too stopped 'feeling' pregnant and in the end all was ok.

Lots of Love Kizziex