Christmas hope - our safe haven thread for bereaved parents.

[shabbapinkfrog]

Hope....for the bereaved parent; even at Christmas, one of the most painful times of the year, there is an essence of hope. Hope....it is hope that sustains us through the days of grief and anger and frustration and loneliness.

The hope that someday the pain of the deaths of our children will be eased. The hope that someday our smiles will be real.

So, it is that for each of you I would hope....peace, compassion, love, sympathy, understanding, sharing and listening. In the sharing of our grief with one another, and in the emotional support we give to one another, we receive and understand all of these gifts.

Remembering my precious sons....and all of your precious children at this difficult time of year.

Morning girls xx

morning girlsxxxxx

Urgh woke up feeling pretty low today. Am tempted to hole up on the sofa under a duvet with Katie and watch dvd's

Morning all. Hope you are getting some rest Cheese xx

Whatever > Any room under that duvet for me and ds4?

It's so odd. Last night I was thinking how much more upsetting it was for Sylvie-Rose to die than it was for my Dad to die, even though my Dad dying was an unexpected shock.

Then I got thinking about my Dad's death in detail and got all upset about it all over again, even though it's nine years on.

Do you know, I was looking at the emoticon and thinking it's exactly how I feel, all sad inside but having to have my Christmas hat on for the kids. ( Not an actual Christmas hat, btw, I'm speaking figuratively!)

Oh chip and whatever, sorry you are both feeling rubbish today hugs heading your way. I have my brave face on today, I am throwing a Xmas party for
My mindees after school. I lucky in the way I can hide from celebrations as I have no living children to celebrate with. All of you ladies with earth children and carrying on with Xmas are so brave, my heart goes out to you all. Xxxx

ugh! why can't people (specially my Mum) understand that this time of the year, it's not really a good time to be announcing other people's pregnancies to me :(
And then she's going to be even more over the moon, when my DSis will tell them she's pregnant too this weekend... :( (she doesn't know yet)
And then saying she understands how it feels, that it's not easy, but that we have to be happy with and for other people...

ah :) DMum phoned when I didn't say anything on chat anymore and apologised.
Then I had a phone call of NPower asking me whether I had a baby recently or if I am due soon. Said no that's not true, sorry, we lost our baby back in June. The lady on the other side, sounded very shocked and couldn't stop apologising. She did ask if I was interested in changing companies, said no, she then said that's ok and take care.

Sorry you're having a bad day too my friend.

Took your advise Everlong and we got out for a walk and delivered a present to a friend. Feel a bit better now. Our reward is sofa, duvet and Elf.

Hope the party goes well Hazy

Blue sorry to hear your mums not being very understanding. It's like a punch in the stomach when I see/hear a pregnancy or newborn announcement. Not that I don't wish them well it just reminds me of what we have lost. Big hugs from me. We understand xx

Oh forgot to say I'm going to a children's memorial service this evening arranged by our local Sands group. I will be thinking of all our angels xx

whatever.... the loss of a parent is very different to the loss of your darling child

We all know that eventally we will lose our parents.... we dont like to think of it .. and its hellish when it happens but unfortnately its a fact of life

When its your child, its your hopes and dreams, the wondering what would have been what could have been what should have been

I am trying to get my xmas wrapping done.. but I cant get through it ... its too bloody much this year .. hope thats a kingsize duvet... I can bring popcorn

Bloody Jezzer Kyle he had the most amazing brave people on his show this morning. The two brothers at the beginning of it almost tipped me over the edge.

Then Lew sat with me. We were watching the music channel on telly. Then along comes Johnny Mathis singing 'When a child is born.'

'Andma why is you crying?'

'I'm being a silly sausage Lew. When your Daddy and Gareth were in my tummy I had to stay in hospital all over Xmas and this song kept coming on the radio.'

'Well, why is that sad?' You just see one day when Uncle Gaz & Uncle Matty go to the heaven hospital....well, they will be fixed and will come back to live with you. Just thought Andma....you are going to need two more bedrooms!!'

whatever, chip and fm is there a little corner for me? I have chocolate... just been done in by the posts on FB from other angel mummies. Oh dear.

Shabba, I love your Lew. He has such a beautiful, wonderful way of seeing the world. Please give me a huge hug from me. We have a little friend who thinks Mia is a star and waves goodnight to her every night.

Maybe these words sent to me from another sad mother might help us all, as well as Lew's innocent wisdom :-

I can only say that the grief softened for me when I realised that he had come right back to where he started... in my heart. So I feel like I carry him around inside me everywhere I go and with everything I do. My wish for you is that you can gently carry your baby in heart, that you will be able to experience lovely soft memories with the harsh consuming grief that you are feeling now.

That is my wish for us all.

We are packing at the moment, and while we will be always carrying Mia in our hearts, I have decided to pack some of Mia's things too - her passport, her favourite shaky egg and her soft white bunny, her beautiful copper Christmas leaf, and of course, the cherished photos and videos on my phone. Maybe silly and sentimental, but I just want to.

Mia trying to look for you on FB...

Going to pick up DD1 soon and will be snuggling up with her as well for a bit... then we need to get cracking with making some more Xmas pressies! :)

Room for all fm and Miasmummy especially those with popcorn and chocolate

Love this analogy Chip it's spot on.

Managed to find a small white sleeping angel lying on a heart for Erin. Am so pleased. How life changes x

whatever glad you found an angel for Erin.

Blue I've deleted friends from FB that were due soon, just can't hear their good news right now, have a feeling a really good friend is pregnant, because she's suddenly avoiding me (not even answering her phone, or texts), yet she was there at the beginnning.

Miasmummy I think that taking Mia's things is exactly the right thing to do.

I met another friend today, again thought I was fine.

Again I went to Boots, to get DD1 something, and as I walked to the lift - was the outfit that Tamsin was buried in. I actually went looking for it, after her funeral, but they'd stopped stocking it, then today - right in front of me. Hit me like a ton of bricks, and I just burst into tears (again).

A girl who worked in Boots, and an off duty WPC came up (the WPC had a card so was legit). The WPC kept asking if I had anyone with me, wanted to phone someone to collect me, I felt stupid, like they thought I was incapable of getting home alone, maybe doubting whether I should be allowed to wander off, in charge of a minor, whilst a sobbing wreck.

What made it worse (probably) was DD1 had already thrown her shoes on the ground (meaning they were put away), and had then dispensed of her socks, and kept doing so, so was barefoot on a freezing day ( I gave up trying to put them back on her).

Oh karma > I do think a crying woman pulls on a lot of peoples heartstrings and they were probably just trying to be nice. They probably didn't think you were incapable, just wanted to help even if that's not how it came across. And FWIW ds4 was always kicking off his shoes and socks in the depths of winter, your dd1 is certainly not alone in that.

I know this sounds so stupid but I am tired of being a bereaved mother. I don't remember agreeing to it and I am tired of being the one that people pity, or the one people say stupid things to or the one that people avoid. This is not the life I was supposed to have and it's not the one I want. But I'm stuck with it until I die.

Karma - seeing the little outfit must have been a huge shock for you. Hugs for you xx

Chip - I agree with you, it is such an exhausting way of life now. Hope you are ok x

Oh and I took the stupid, sodding non-working pink solar lights off Sylvie-Rose's little Christmas tree and took them home. Uncscrewed the solar panel, took out the battery to give it a boost in the battery charger only to find it was fully charged. Put it all back together again and plugged in the lights in the dark kitchen ( They only work in the dark) So as I plug them in they briefly flash on, for less than a second. Pull them out, and put them in again and once more they briefly flash on. So obviously the stupid solar charger is faulty. I have emailed the company but so far got no reply. And on another baby's grave nearby there is a lovely little tree with lights that work and I feel I have failed Sylvie-Rose. That baby's mother managed to get lights that work and I couldn't. And looking after her grave is all I can do for her.

chip No, no, no! Stop it now! You have not failed Sylvie-Rose, you are not responsible for making the lights - and you are doing what you can by emailing the company. That is just another stick to beat yourself with, and the game of blame you are playing, has the horrible prize of guilt - which you do not deserve!

On the contrary you are being the best mum... you are trying to fix the problem.

I feel guilty that Tamsin's grave was not dug wide enough, so her coffin got stuck, and had to be shoved in, it wasnt my fault though.

It's awful that things going wrong - like the lights - take on more significance than they deserve. If a present you bought for one of your DSs went wrong, I doubt you'd feel a failure.

Huge (((hugs))) chip, please be kind to yourself. You love Sylvie-Rose, she knows that, that is the most important thing, everything else is just 'stuff' xxxxx

Oh chip, you are not a failure and you did not fail sylvie-rose. Please don't be hard on yourself, you are an amazing mother to your boys and sylvie-rose. It's not your fault the lights don't work, you were not to know. Hugs for you x

Oh Chip I get it. I do. We can do so little and it has to be just right. But it is not your fault. I know it's not about the lights. It's the helplessness, unfairness and frustration of the hideous situation we've found ourselves in. I can't fix the lights but I can offer you a virtual hug and assurances that you are a marvellous mother. Your 4 wonderful boys and 1 precious girl are lucky to have you xxxx

chip you are a wonderful mummy. You would do anything for Sylvie-Rose, and everyone knows that. I can imagine how you feel though.

karma you are a wonderful mummy too, just a shocked one in Boots when you see Tamsin's little suit.

And yes, I really, really can't stand being a bereaved mother either. It is the worst thing in the world. It still shocks and appalls me that I am someone that everyone pities and say "how ARE you?" I just want to be a normal, happy family and I can't, it's just DH and me now. And I don't want people to remember Mia because she isn't here, I want them to celebrate how wonderful she is.

Morning girls xx

I know most of the ladies who have been on here for a while will have read this little story before.

I was taking Danny and Matt to school. Matt was only in reception so would have been 4. His speech was not great but he didn't care I will write this just like he said it......

'Mam (always called me that - think its a Lancashire thing) we dont wive vewy wong do we?

'No I suppose we dont Matt.'

'Well I fink because we dont wive vewy wong we have to gwab evwy day by the balls and shake it!!!'

Never a truer word came out of that little lads mouth. He already knew that our lives can be short and he planned to grab every day by the balls and shake it....and he did....he shook those balls every day of his short life.

I did tell him that he shouldn't really say that in class cause teacher might be shocked. Wish I hadn't now - his teacher in reception was a bit stuffy and strict - she might have improved if she 'shook her balls'

Believe me, Shabbs, there's many a person who could be improved by a good ball shake