Christmas hope - our safe haven thread for bereaved parents.

[shabbapinkfrog]

Hope....for the bereaved parent; even at Christmas, one of the most painful times of the year, there is an essence of hope. Hope....it is hope that sustains us through the days of grief and anger and frustration and loneliness.

The hope that someday the pain of the deaths of our children will be eased. The hope that someday our smiles will be real.

So, it is that for each of you I would hope....peace, compassion, love, sympathy, understanding, sharing and listening. In the sharing of our grief with one another, and in the emotional support we give to one another, we receive and understand all of these gifts.

Remembering my precious sons....and all of your precious children at this difficult time of year.

Oh yes you are so right!!

Morning Ladies [fsad} I too hate being a bereaved Mum. This should have been our first Christmas as a new little family, instead we have no decorations, no tree and a grave to visit. It is so hard to see everyone enjoying themselves when I just want to scream 'it's not fair, why MY baby!!'. I was looking forward to this Christmas more than any other, now I don't want it to happen without Jacob, but it will.
Sorry, feeling wretched this morning. A trip into town coming up today and I always see something that makes me cry. My DH hates seeing me cry in public, he is such a private person.
He was brilliant last night though, I broke down completely because the kitchen was a mess and of course I was thinking it should have been a mess 'cos I'd been up all night with Jacob, but was a mess 'cos I couldn't be bothered to do any housework. I felt so useless. He gave me a big cuddle and we cleaned up together.
Hope everyone is ok today.

Just checking in (has taken me a while to find you again) still lurking away xxx

Hiya Woolly - have missed you xx

tallulahpolly huge (((hugs))) We have to have some semblance of celebrating Christmas for DD1's sake - but I don't want to. We have a tree - with no decorations on - and just have the Rainbow Angels up - but I will probably keep them up all year round, as they are (to me) Tamsin.

I haven't tidied either, I'm really bad at doing that. I don't want to be normal.

Grief outweighs sympathy - how very, very true.

Hope the shopping trip goes OK tallulah.

Hope you're feeling a bit better today chip. Miasmummy if I am a 1/4 a good mum as you I will be happy - the way you celebrate Mia's life, whilst going through this is inspiriational.

Good morning to everyone xx

I can't remember the 'early' Christmasses.....i can remember sitting crying and not knowing what to do. Slowly, very slowly, as the years have rolled by we have begun to 'do' Christmas. It is very, very difficult in the early years.

This year will again be different. My Mum now knows she has Alzheimers but I have told her there will be no crying about this...we will treasure every minute and laugh till we wee!! She cannot wait to come to ours for her Xmas dinner.

So smiles will be pinned on, we will eat till we burst and hopefully have more than enough to drink.

I just wanted to assure all you lovely ladies...there will be a turning point when Christmas can be celebrated again. The tears, heartache and grief will gradually change - now if only I could get my head around the 'longing' to see the boys again things would be easier.

I do have a massive 'virtual' box of pin on smiles if anybody would like one. xxx

Thanks for the reassurances, everyone! To be honest, I really should be mad with the company that sold me the lights. This is the second time they've let me down with Sylvie-Rose's garden. The first time, I ordered some tinkling toadstools and they sent me the wrong colour set. The guy apologised and said I could have credit towards another purchase but then didn't reply when I said I wanted to order the lights. So I ordered the lights anyway, without the credit as I wanted to have them on before Christmas and now they're not working! I will never use that company again. I don't mind if mistakes are made or if things don't work but if things do go wrong, they should put them right!

I just need to get something out.

I hate the expression '(insert name) had a stillbirth' - and I hope no-one ever dares to refer to me and Belle like that. I didn't have a stillbirth, I had a BABY, a daughter and she has a name. She is not a shitty piece of terminology that I had, she is a person. A PERSON.

Sorry I had to get that out after reading above phrase elsewhere. I hate it.

Feeling very sensitive and emotional today. Bellle is/should be 18 months old today. Another milestone. A toddler that isn't... I wonder what she would've thought of her brother. :(

Getting words right around our beautiful children is so important. Caz you are right, Belle was and is a person, your special girl, and she always will be. Me, I hate the past tense about Mia, as in "She was beautiful". She was, but she is, and she always will be.

Ok, shabs can I have one of those smiles? We are all packed, and currently driving over to friends and expecting a bit of a tricky evening - lots of boys and noise, but also a friend who lost a son and her husband.

Feeling very vulnerable and worried about this trip - can't really honestly say it's a holiday. An escape maybe. Scared about leaving 2011 without Mia. xx

Thank you Karma. Shopping was ok actually. We went with a friend who hates crowds etc, but is very funny in her 'moaning' mode, so that helped! Spent the rest of the day sorting out DH putting shelves up in the kitchen so it is more ordered and I feel calmer now. Isn't it daft the silly things that are upsetting at the moment? Just more sensitive I suppose.
Shabs you and your Mum sound great, and I hope you do 'laugh until you wee!'

Hello all x

Miasmummy We went away after Harry died and I really worried about it , to the point that we didn't even book it until the morning we were going . I found that lighting a candle in a church wherever we went really helped to feel like were bring him with us . I am not actually religious but something about the peace of a church and the symbolic lighting made me feel better .

Caz I agree about that term , I really dislike it , you had a beautiful baby girl .

Love to all of us at this shitty time of year , It has taken us a long time to get to the point of enjoying christmas but for the most part we have arrived at that now . There will be moments during all the festivities when I will have a Harry moment and obviously I know it would be a better day with him physically in it but for now I just have to deal with the day we have in the best way I can .

caz I too hate the phrase 'stillbirth', and have had someone actually say that Tamsin wasn't a 'real' baby, because she was born sleeping - horrible, hateful thing to say, and I feel like shoving her photo in their face; alas it wouldn't work on people like that, they'd just see the tear on her face, and say something even more hurtful (((hugs))) ss

*xx - not ss xx

Memories of a special little one at christmas

Why were you taken?
It doesn't seem fair
and now there's a pain
that is so hard to bear.
Especially at Christmas,
a time of the year
which is all about families
but memories are clear.
And the fact is, little one, these pictures of you
Do provide consolation and help getting through.
You made everyone smile, you were as bright as the sun.
Simply bursting with love, giving laughter and fun.
So although there is sadness that we aren't together
The love you provided will live on forever.

For all of our precious Angel babies this Christmas. x

blizy, that's lovely!

Shabs, you sound like you have a lovely relationship with your Mum. I have read ( in one of the many spiritual-type books I have read since Sylvie-Rose died) that people with Alzheimers or dementia slip in and out of Heaven towards the end of their lives so even at those times when they seem absent, they are actually just in a different form.

Caz of course Belle was a baby! Your Belle spent longer being alive inside your tummy than Sylvie-Rose did inside mine, and when Sylvie-Rose was born she was most certainly a baby.

I find myself having to 'justify' my grief as I'm scared of people not acknowledging Erin as a baby. She is as much my child as Katie. I think the people closest to us understand.

Keeping busy plan is working well so far. Taking K to the theatre to see Peter Pan tomorrow. Will deal with the inevitable after Christmas crash when it comes.

Beautiful words Blizy xx

Karma I spoke to the cemetery office today about Erin's grave looking so bad and they were really lovely and said they'd tidy it up and add some fresh earth so it looks better for Christmas. Might be worth a call to yours to see if they can do the same with Tamsin's.

Miasmummy I hope you and dh can manage to recuperate a little whilst you are away xx

Hugs to all xxx

Hi everyone, I hate the word miscarriage being used, to me even though jacob was only 20 weeks he was a baby.

I've dropped Jacobs footprints at my sisters so she can scan them, I read on here somewhere that sometimes the ink fades.

We also got a demand from the council for the cost of opening up the grave, Jacob is in with my dad. We were under the impression from the funeral director that all the money was paid to them and the paid the council, stone maison, hospital etc ( this is what they told us when we arranged the funeral) was lovely to get a letter just before Christmas demanding the money or they would be sending the bailiffs round.

My mum has offered to pay for it, I've been abit upset with her, allthough she doesn't know it. As she hasn't mentioned Jacob at all, she came round on her way to work this morning and cried, it turns out my sister showed her the footprints, she said she feels bad as shes never asked to look at the footprints, pictures etc. She said it's a sort of self preservation, which I can understand, I feel bad that's she's upset but it's made me feel better to know she cares. She says paying for the grave to be opened is the only thing she can do for him now. She has also bought a lovely potted plant in a big watering can with little hedgehogs on it for the grave.

Morning girls xx

In a few days my twin boys will be 30.....30 years old!!!! Have no idea how that happened. That also means it is 29 and a half years since Gareth died. I can still see those big shiny eyes, a cheeky grin, a very bad temper and a will to live. 30???? xx

Just popped in to say Happy Birthday to my Jack. 17 today xx Wilf and I are off to the grave later with a wreath which my friend has made. Its not fair. He should be learning to drive...............

Happy Birthday Jack. Thinking of you and Wilf today Lottie.

and you are totally correct - its not right. I dont know why it happens and I don't even have to pretend to like it xxxxxx

Sending hugs to you both xxx

Morning all!

Miasmummy safe journey today. Will be thinking of you all xx

Lottie Happy Birthday to Jack xx

Shabs hugs as ever. 30 years wow xx

Moomins I'm so glad your mum has shown you in her way that she does care about Jacob. It's so hard when you think people don't and means so much when you realise they do xx

Miasmummy safe journey today! I hope you can find some peace on your holiday.

lottie Happy birthday to Jack xx I hope you and Wilf have a peaceful day.

Happy birthday Jack! x