Christmas hope - our safe haven thread for bereaved parents.

[shabbapinkfrog]

Hope....for the bereaved parent; even at Christmas, one of the most painful times of the year, there is an essence of hope. Hope....it is hope that sustains us through the days of grief and anger and frustration and loneliness.

The hope that someday the pain of the deaths of our children will be eased. The hope that someday our smiles will be real.

So, it is that for each of you I would hope....peace, compassion, love, sympathy, understanding, sharing and listening. In the sharing of our grief with one another, and in the emotional support we give to one another, we receive and understand all of these gifts.

Remembering my precious sons....and all of your precious children at this difficult time of year.

Thinking of beautiful Mia today xx

Thinking of you today Mias and your lovely girl. Have some

Love to you Mia's Mummy I've just been looking at Mia's photos on FB. She is so beautiful xx

Hope today has been gentle on you Miasmummy and that you had a nice lunch with your friend remembering Mia xx

Oh God. Cried in a local shop. They had baby stuff which I can normally handle but they had a little pink gingham cushion with "Princess Sleeping" embroidered on it. It was somehow too appropriate, especially as I was there buying a candle for her grave lantern.

Chip I dont think there is one of us on here who has not cried in a shop. I'm also not suprised you cried - I would have done as well xx

Oh Chip I think I would have cried at that too

first time poster in this topic and thread.

i lost my DS 18 years ago. I know its a long time and some people think the heart heals over time ( i know none of you will.) it does not.
today would have been his 23rd birthday. he was born on the my wedding anniversary to his df to whom i am sadly estranged.

i went to his grave today with DD to put flowers down and light his lantern and i was just inconsolable - every birthday is so hard. i go to the grave daily and today was the first time that i have not been able to stop crying like this in months.

the last words he said were i love you mummy. that makes today so much more emotional. He was and will always be an angel in my heart.

i know my post is long but i have been able to get things of my chest that i have been bottling up for such a long time.

Oh accidentprawn I'm sorry to hear about your son. What was his name? Would you like to tell us what happened? I'm only a short way down this crappy path but there are others here who will totally understand your longing and devastation even though 18 years has passed. It's nothing really when you should have had a lifetime together. Keep posting if it helps xx

Im glad you found us Accidentprawn....just so sorry you had to.

I think you are right - time does not heal...it softens the situation around the edges, and we learn to put on the famous pin on smile BUT on Birthdays and remember days (anniversaries) it is still hard no matter how much time has passed.

I lost one of my twin sons (aged 7 months) almost 30 years ago and my DS3 (aged 7 years) was knocked down and killed by a lorry almost 20 years ago.

My bewildering early grief has been replaced by the resignation that this is as good as 'it' gets and also the strongest, overwhelming longing to see them both again.

hello accidentprawn, so sorry that you are here, but hope that writing here might help you in some way. Grief has no time limit, just as your love for him will never end. Would you like to share your DS's name with us?

Many thanks to shabs, cz, tallulah, karma, chip, whatever, hazy and blizy for your thoughts today. It has been a gentler day than I expected, although I feel drained. I feel that all your kindness has buffered me from the harsh grief I expected - so I'd like to pass this loving scarf from the thread to karma, whatever, fm and accidentprawn and anyone else who needs a bit of extra cosseting right now. xx

he was called David.
HE had meningitis which killed him - had to switch of life support. he was brain dead , would have lost legs and been severely brain damaged.

when you know you should have a lifetime together it is so hard.
writing today has taken some of the grief of today away.

mia thank you for the scarf its made me feel better!

David is a lovely name. It is a very cruel illness. Something I used to fear so much when my four sons were little babies, so very sorry for your loss - keep talking about him to us, I always find that helps a lot. xx

Oh David is such a lovely, classic name. Meningitis is a wicked wicked illness. I think the thought of it strikes fear in to every parent. I'm so sorry it took him from you xx

Miasmummy I'm glad today has been gentler than expected. I might borrow that scarf tomorrow if I may. 5 months, how is that even possible.

I'm so scared there's going to be no heartbeat tomorrow. I've been trying to stay detached from this pregnancy 'just in case' but I realise now I have failed miserably.

Welcome accidentprawn though I wish you didn't have to be here. Meninigitis is a cruel illness. My brother had it as a small baby. I was 12 and didn't realise how serious it was until months on when my Dad told me that we had nearly lost him. A colleague in work also lost her two year old son to it years ago.

Whatever there is no way you can not be attached to a pregnancy. You can try but I don't think it's possible. I will light a special candle for a heartbeat tomorrow!

accidentprawn meningitis, oh how sad. David is a strong, beautiful name. Please keep telling us more about him when you can.

whatever please do wear the scarf of kindness tomorrow, and know that you have us all with you.

accidentprawn I'm so, so sorry to hear about David, of course 18yrs is no time at all, not in the grand scheme of life

Miasmummy thank you for the scarf, as chip said I will weave it into rainbow colours, been thinking about you lots, was thinking of you at 5.15am, when I woke up xx

whatever will be thinking of you tomorrow too x

Heard some really sad news on a facebook page I'm subscribed to, called 'little angels'. A Portugese woman lost her beautiful 16 month old DD in 2010, after the nanny decided to drink on duty, and the little girl wandered into the pool & drowned. A year later (last month) her 10 day old baby died. The mother never made her baby's funeral - she very sadly decided she couldn't live without her two babies... how very cruel life is x

Morning girls xx

I saw that as well Karma - very, very sad.

Morning,

accidentprawn I am so very sorry to hear about david. The girls on here are amazingly supportive and such a lifeline when you are having a bad day. We also sometimes laugh together. Please keep posting.

mia That is what we are for, I am glad yesterday was gentle for you. x

Oh karma that is so, so sad.

whatever I am thinking of you today. x

accidentprawn very welcome here, so sorry you had to find us. please keep telling us about your David!

wtw thinking of you today and of your precious Erin! Like you said... Love, like starlight, never dies! x

Sorry you have had to find your way here accident but very glad that you found us. xx

Tell me to get a grip ladies; I've spent the last couple of days looking at X and wanting to cry. I keep getting this sickening fear in the pit of my stomach that he going to be taken away too. I feels very real, like it is going to happen.

Anyone know hoe dee and cheese are?

CazBX I get that too, with DD1 & DS. I actually had a dream that DS was knocked down by a car, and woke up in a sweat. I'm paranoid about a lump on DD1's neck, and cannot be reassured by my frustrated GP; doesn't help that I don't really trust doctors anymore, as they didn't listen to me.

But seriouslyCaz X is gorgeous, and looks lovely & healthy. I'm not going to patronise you; all of this on this thread know how precarious life can be. However, the chances are so, so slim. You've already gone further than with Belle. It sounds as if you may be suffering from mild depression? Or just anxiety.

It's quite common for depression to show up after the birth of a rainbow baby, the effects are more pronounced the closer the births are (over a year is better, so you're OK there).

You're also still grieving Belle. I guess it's hard to trust in being happy. Once you've been happy, and life pulled the rug from under you, I guess it's hard to have faith. But you know, X needs you to have that faith. You can't lessen the pain, and fear will probably always be with us, but please take joy in your gorgeous little man. I spent all of DD1's first 7 months being overly anxious (this was before Tamsin too), and I look back & am so, so unhappy that I didn't enjoy it.

Think of it this way, Belle is looking down on you, helping you to look after you all, smiling at her little brother. xx

Caz please ignore the above, it probably wasn't at all helpful, though I did mean it with best intentions. Your blog is so moving btw xx