Christmas hope - our safe haven thread for bereaved parents.

[shabbapinkfrog]

Hope....for the bereaved parent; even at Christmas, one of the most painful times of the year, there is an essence of hope. Hope....it is hope that sustains us through the days of grief and anger and frustration and loneliness.

The hope that someday the pain of the deaths of our children will be eased. The hope that someday our smiles will be real.

So, it is that for each of you I would hope....peace, compassion, love, sympathy, understanding, sharing and listening. In the sharing of our grief with one another, and in the emotional support we give to one another, we receive and understand all of these gifts.

Remembering my precious sons....and all of your precious children at this difficult time of year.

Really? Feel very quiet, subdued and a bit odd!!! Have taken my beta blockers and blood pressure tablet so its not that....feel.....errrrrrr......resigned to everything - if that makes any sense at all????

Resigned makes perfect sense to me Shabs , I am going through a bit of an odd one atm , I am not down or anything and lots of things are going well but I do feel like none of it matters at all and not in a dramatic way , just in a going through the motions of life way . Very odd feeling .

Are you up to anything today ? Do you fancy coming and cleaning my house ?

TW - you just described, perfectly, how I feel!!! How did you do that??? I have bills to pay and 'just enough' to pay them with - but they can all wait till tomorrow...I have hoovering to do before Lew arrives, but cant be arsed bothered!! etc etc.

If I can drag my sorry bum off the sofa I will certainly come and help you....dont hold your breath waiting for me though

You are hoovering before Lew gets there ? That is as mad as me tidying the house before Jamies party on saturday , madness !

I am hiding in your garden Shabs Pass a cuppa out for me it's a bit bloody cold out here .

Hi everyone,

my dad surprised me last night. Took me to the our of hours doctors (as some of you may know my asthma got very bad).

The out of hours doctors is held next to A&E at our hospital. Right next to the maternity wing, and hut that is antenatal clinic.

I was overwhelmed driving up to it, started panicking (the maternity unit is right at the end of the road, and the building you see whilst driving there), so many memories of happy, and then damned right awful, flooded my mind.

I sat waiting for the Dr, and started crying. My dad asked why, then said "you're not upset over your baby again are you?"

He then proceeded to coo, at the three tiny babies that were there (that I was trying to ignore), saying how much he loves babies - which is true, but I can't believe that he thought my tears over Tamsin were almost indulgent, and that now, nearly three months on, I should be over it.

Don't know what to think really, he has stunned me

Karma - I found that 'older' people just don't get it. Like my husbands aunt who said to me, a very short time after Gareth died, 'Oh Im glad to see you are over it now!!' WTF???? I never spoke to her again and that is almost 30 years ago!!! And, for the record, Im still not 'over it' - I am getting 'there' - wherever the hell 'there' is!!

TW Im doing the hoovering that I didn't do all week-end....thinking of getting a dog so they can eat all the crumbs off the floor to save me hoovering LOL [useless housewife emoticon]

karma I agree with Shabs , some older people really are so matter of fact about death and I have found men to be on the whole a lot less able to deal with all the emotions that come about as well . I am sure he cares and loves you lots but is rubbish at this bit of your life , fingers crossed with time he will get better . How is your asthma now ?

Shabs I keep thinking about getting a dog too , my kitchen floor would be clean and it would make me get out and about walking every day too .

karma, wtf? Is your Dad usually an emotional iceberg?

shabba of course you won't get over it... I like the idea of not speaking to your aunt-in-law, but it's not really practical with my dad. Hope you get the hoovering done, I try to avoid it (DD1 hates it, so sometimes that's my excuse). DD1 does sometimes act like a dog, and manages to find crumbs/bits of stale toast, even after hoovering

tw My asthma is a bit better, but I need a new prescription, as the ones I have were out of date when dispensed.

chip my dad is usually really, really good. He loves kids. He's the only family member, apart from DH & DD1, who saw Tamsin, and he said he wished he hadn't, as it gave him nightmares after... I chose him rather than mum, as I thought he was more stonger emotionally, then he told me that she was his flesh & blood, and seeing her was awful (compared to giving birth to her - really???)

tw think you might have a webcam on me as well as shabs... also feeling very odd. Resigned, numb, blank? Tick. Nothing really matters? Tick. Shocked and surprised by the terrible turn in my life? Tick. Sometimes, I am astounded that I can function at all, after having faced the very worst nightmare a parent could experience. Yet people do... here we all are. I don't know whether the human mind is amazing in that way, or plain stupid.

karma so sorry that your dad continues to be thoughtless about Tamsin. I truly believe that some older people forget to think before they speak (maybe they think that they won't be heard, so it doesn't matter), and somehow omit that all-important emotional / social filter. Love him for who he is, but not for what he says!!

everlong like your idea about our children visiting us when we need them. Most of the time, I feel Mia with me, and when she isn't here, I discover that she has been turning up in others' dreams. But can I put in an order to have her back please?

shabs hoovering will be always be there, sit back and enjoy the day... I love my kitchen floor, as it is magic - things fall on it and just disappear, and you never see them again, unless you go barefoot! Voila, no need to vacuum!

Mias, my SIL had a floor like that in her old kitchen and she really misses it in her new house. She said she could get away without mopping much more than she can with her shiny new tiles. With hindsight, I picked dreadful tiles for my kitchen, they are a very pale terracotta and whilst they looked lovely when they were first put down, there is rarely a day when I don't curse them. Pale tiles + small boys = nightmare!

hey there .. remember me

I have been really struggling these last few weeks. I am sooo fed up pinning a smile on my face to deal with xmas, to deal with the new year, to deal with mils b/day, to deal with getting back to work

i want to stay in the house and mope. Yes I know its wrong and I know its not what my mum would want but its what i want to do but cant

So I am still here and I am still thinking of you all I just dont have words at the moment

At least mum has met her middle grandson

Perfectly normal to want to mope around. We all need pyjama days at the best of times so only natural you want to hang about at home on the worst of days. Be kind to yourself and we are all here for you xx

Three months ago tonight our nightmare began. A lifetime ago, when we didn't ever think that babies could die. How innocent, how naive, how happy we were... Expecting a wobbly one tomorrow, but two friends have realised the date and I am going out to lunch with one of them. Yet I feel now that you have been my friends and support for such a long time now. Thank you ladies, for being here, and for being you.

Miasmummy I really, really, sincerely hope tomorrow is as peaceful as can be. I am so happy that your friends are there for you, and that they remembered, and are so caring. You know how wonderful you have been to us mummies. I am thinking of you & Mia tonight, with love xx

FM I have missed you honey

fm in the RW, I agree, words can be a lot of effort. I don't blame you for wanting to escape and be on your own. Hope you can find a little breathing space soon.

Oh FM snap. I've been feeling mopey and lacking in energy too. Not helped by January blues. I've given myself until February to wallow. Take care xx

Miasmummy will be thinking of you tomorrow. So glad your friends have remembered. That must mean a lot.

Karma at your Dad. Hopefully a mouth moved before brain engaged temporary lapse of judgement if he is normally understanding. Hope you are feeling better xx

It will be 5 months for us on Wednesday. Nearly half a year. I seem to miss her more every day. Hope it's not a bad omen having the first scan on the 25th. I was too chicken to ask if I could have it on a different day. Wish I had now.

Morning everyone.

Miasmun- I am thinking of you and little Mia today, be easy on yourself. X

Hope you all have a peaceful day. X

Morning girls xx

Morning all

FM You take all he time you need , you have held it together for everyone the last few weeks and now it is your turn to be kind to you . And you are right your mum and fraser are now together .

wtw I think it is a good omen to have he scan on the 25th , I used to really worry about clashing dates connected with Harry but not any more , my brother had open heart surgery in dec 2010 on Harrys anniversary and I was a wreck but he made an amazing recovery and I always secretly think that Harry was looking after him .

thinking of you today Miasmummy.
god its freezing today,am full of cold,dh has an interview today so please all pray we get somewhere, dd 2 has a scan and dgd1 is nine this week, its a busy time at moment.
fm big hugs to you ,you are doing realy well,and am sure your mum and your son will be fine togetherxx

Hazy - everything crossed for your DH. xxx

TW thank you that's a good way to look at it xx

Fx for your dh Hazy

Morning all. Bloody wet and freezing here. Back to work in 2 weeks so am going to make the most of a sofa day I think.

Thank you all. Today I will celebrate Mia. Her life was beautiful. I will honour her.