Christmas hope - our safe haven thread for bereaved parents.

[shabbapinkfrog]

Hope....for the bereaved parent; even at Christmas, one of the most painful times of the year, there is an essence of hope. Hope....it is hope that sustains us through the days of grief and anger and frustration and loneliness.

The hope that someday the pain of the deaths of our children will be eased. The hope that someday our smiles will be real.

So, it is that for each of you I would hope....peace, compassion, love, sympathy, understanding, sharing and listening. In the sharing of our grief with one another, and in the emotional support we give to one another, we receive and understand all of these gifts.

Remembering my precious sons....and all of your precious children at this difficult time of year.

Caz, the poor boys can't move around here without dh and I putting a reflective jacket on them! I have no reason to think that anything will happen to them but when you have experience of the very worst happening, then of course you get anxious about it happening again. But Xander is the picture of health, he really is! The odds are so slim of anything happening to him. Enjoy him!

Caz another one here just to say I understand and I also get the icy fear with K. Sadly I think it's part and parcel of being a bereaved parent. I also think a lot of mums with newborns feel the same anxiety even when they haven't experienced any previous loss. I certainly did. You are doing a brilliant job with your gorgeous boy xx

I wish I had seen this over Christmas when I was feeling so desperate. My boy was born strong and beautiful and breathing but just far too soon. He died after 5 days in October. He was due 6 January. I'm so sorry for us all.

Caz I am sat in my living room on 'pins' waiting for Tom to get home. He will be 15 in July but I wish I could still take him to and from school. I have to stop myself waiting at the gate. How you are feeling is totally, totally, totally normal. xxxx

AMAW I'm so sorry about the loss of your son - what was his name?

Tonight it is three months to the day, that we found out Tamsin had died... I can still remember the horror I felt, as those words were delivered to me. I've been having all sorts of flashbacks.

afternoon!
you are all right about meningitis being such a horrid illness. when i had DD, anytime she got a cough or a cold i was petrified that i would loose her as well.

When i was told David had died i became depressed. It turned my life on its head. I couldn`t hold down a job.

I went to the grave in my lunch hour and lit the lantern again and just sat there and remembered all the good times we had and his milestone moments.

You spend your DC`s early months/years worrying about the what if x happens because you know the consequences.

thank you for the scarf btw it has made me feel better and i know that david will be smiling down at me from above.

karmathreefold his name was Rufus. I went into premature labour and got a massive infection so there was no choice but to give birth. He didn't have the infection but was born at 25,3 weeks by CS. He did really well but had a huge brain bleed and died soon afterwards. I feel in shock still. I felt great and the pregnancy was fine and suddenly, in the space of 3 hours, everything changed. He was a big baby for his age. I feel guilty that we ambushed him. He wasn't ready to be born at all.

Welcome AMAW - so sorry to hear about your little man. You will get support here and there will always, always be at least one of us who have felt the same emotions. It is our 'safe haven.'

I posted too soon. I'm so sorry about Tamsin. I understand exactly what you mean about flashbacks. They can bring you to your knees regardless of where you are or what you're doing.

Thank you Shabba. It makes a huge difference to talk with people who know.

welcome AMAW
the girls here have been super to me. i posted yesterday for the first time on davids 23rd birthday.
we are here to look after you and listen to you.

I agree about flashbacks they bring you to your knees

Hello and thank you accidentprawn. I'm sorry about David. We are trying for another baby but I'm so afraid. I don't think we could bear this happening again.

i thought the same when i fell pg.
if you want to tell us anything, anytime of the day or night we will be here!

AMAW That is just awful, so bloody unfair, as is life. You did have some precious moments, cold comfort I know, but the only thing that keeps you going, when it seems like the rest of the world forgets.

Tamsin was stillborn at 37 weeks, I knew something was wrong, and the last scan did indicate a decrease in fluid, but the Drs didn't listen. If she'd just held on two more days she'd almost certainly be here now.

At times it seems she is the elephant in the room, as lots of people who've had early miscarriages, seem to think they know how I feel, when like you, I had to give birth to her, and she was more or less full-term. I too had an EMCS (as they decided even though she was transverse & I'd had a caesarean the year before, a natural labour would be best, and the induction caused a uterine rupture).

Christmas must have been hard for you, really, really awful. It can be so lonely, and the women on this thread are just fantastic, I'm not sure how I'd have survived without them. So you're in very safe, loving arms here. I can imagine how scary trying again must be, but I do hope that they will give you the best care imaginable xx

accidentprawn once again I am so sorry for David. Having those memories are so precious, and I can imagine the thoughts of what might have been are very powerful, but he lives on through your memories, and through you celebrating his life here xx

AMAW Rufus is a lovely name, and very powerful, very fitting for a big baby xx

How awful Karma. I know it seems trite but the physical pain of a EMCS just seems so bloody unfair because you have nothing to show for it. I can't imagine what a uterine tear was like. 37 weeks. A friend of mine had to deliver her silent baby at 37 weeks too and she was just beautiful. A perfect little girl. At 37 weeks you're just counting down the days. It's so cruel. You shouldn't feel guilty. If you had known you would have been beating down the doors. I'm so sorry. You must feel like tearing your heart out at feeling that two days could have made a difference.

karma thank you for your kind words. everyday is difficult but more so when you have lost someone close to you.

When they live longer and you do have memories of them, those of what might have been are hard. its like i wonder what would he be? would he have gone to uni? would he be the son i imagine that he would have been? what would his first day at secondary school be like? primary school?

The doctors at the hospital looked after him so well. He was taken from our local hospital to GOSH by air ambulance when he took a turn for the worse. The team there are outstanding and I want to thank them but how? i ran the race for life last year and donated some of the money to them and meningitis uk.

Seeing DD grow up is hard as i wonder if he would be similar in anyways to her. xx

I think you have 'what might have been' questions/grief anyway. When I see older kids walking along with their parents chatting away it hits me (and my dh) all over again that we will never know him. We won't even have the opportunity to be cross with him. He was a really really wanted baby.

It must have been a terrible time accidentprawn. It is a little comforting to know that the doctors did everything they could.

oh AMAW

it was as though my whole world was pulled from under my feet. it is comforting to know they did what they could but i think i looked for someone to blaim and they were there and at the time i blamed them as i was so upset.

Welcome AMAW. But so sorry you find yourself here. My Sylvie-Rose was born at 28 weeks. She actually did really well for 7 weeks, came home and died four days later. We still don't know exactly why but the neonatologist said that premature babies sometimes just forget to breathe. Like you, we had no choice but to deliver. I had placenta accreta so it was get her out or both of us die. It is dreadful as well, I find when you see or hear of other prem babies surviving, growing up and becoming rocket scientists. Not that you wouldn't want it for them but you also want it for your own baby. Just a shot at life.

I have noticed that there are a lot of baby name threads about Sylvie. I have commented on one or two of them but then think I might put them off the name if I say she died, as if it's cursed. And I find it hurtful when someone makes a negative comment on it. Probably should just stay off the thread!

A warm but sad welcome AMAW So sorry to hear about Rufus. Just to echo what the other ladies have said you can post anything here; no judgements someone else will most likely have felt the same. My daughter Erin was born by emcs in August and died shortly after. The pm revealed she had fetal cancer.

Well I had my scan today and there is definitely a bean, in the right place and with a clear heartbeat. The only slight worry I have is according to lmp I'm 8 weeks today but it only measured 6 weeks 5 days. I'm scared it's not developing properly even though the consultant didn't seem overly concerned. God I never used to be a worrier.

I think it's hard at any stage to lose a child. Yes I have no memories, but that in itself is heartbreaking, as it makes others feel as if my grief is invalid. She looked so much like her sister, but with thick black hair, and I felt 'closer' to her when pregnant, than either DD1 or DS.

Some people said some unimaginably hurtful things - such as "why are you having funeral as she wasn't a real baby" (this was DSS, even though law dictates that she had to be buried, and she was a prefectly formed baby, although it took days to induce me, so she suffered from a level of maceration.

AMAW Of course he was wanted, and he would have felt that love xx

accidentprawn the idea of donating the money is lovely, truly wonderful. I'm sure he's watching over DD, though it's so unfair that she won't get to know him, though he's still so much part of your family xx

Hi Chipmonkey. I wished that it had all happened just even a week later - Rufus would have had a better shot. I know, I feel it's so unfair that he didn't make it when other babies did, although I'm glad too that they did. It must be extremely hurtful for someone to make a negative comment. Why on earth would they do that? On the other hand my mil made me so angry on the due date when she said she should have been a grandmother. She IS a grandmother. People say stupid things. Another woman told me that it was probably for the best. I understand as she had a late miscarriage due to chromosomal problems, but it was absolutely not for the best. Rufus was perfect and healthy. Just too little. Sylvie-Rose is such a pretty name.
I read an article a few days ago about a woman and baby who both died due to her infection and it brought it home to me how serious my situation was. I didn't think about it all at the time.

whatever i worried with DD. its normal. after the heartbreak of loosing one you are never ready to loose another and suffer again. Im so pleased that you have another on the way but its a shame they will never meet there sibling.

DD never met david but she loves him as though he were here, i show her photos and things by him, she visits the grave on her way home at night somedays.

I need to at least pretend I'm interested in making dinner. Thank you girls for making me feel so welcome. X