Christmas hope - our safe haven thread for bereaved parents.

[shabbapinkfrog]

Hope....for the bereaved parent; even at Christmas, one of the most painful times of the year, there is an essence of hope. Hope....it is hope that sustains us through the days of grief and anger and frustration and loneliness.

The hope that someday the pain of the deaths of our children will be eased. The hope that someday our smiles will be real.

So, it is that for each of you I would hope....peace, compassion, love, sympathy, understanding, sharing and listening. In the sharing of our grief with one another, and in the emotional support we give to one another, we receive and understand all of these gifts.

Remembering my precious sons....and all of your precious children at this difficult time of year.

Morning ladies xx

Morning all.

Wow to your angels sending little signs!

miasmum and chip We still have Zoe's bedroom set up, I have covered her matress, pram and car seat but can't bring myself to dismantle her cot and changing table. We donated her moses basket to our maternity hospital. We decorated her room with a butterfly theme and now associate them with her.

Hope everyone has a good day. x

I have realised that I subconsciously think of signs from our garden are from Mia... the summer climbing rose outside her window which is still mysteriously blooming; the tomato plant which defiantly decided to grow in a flower bed in November from the leftovers of an outdoor lunch ; a beautiful delphinium which also continued to flower well beyond summer... blossoms of hope and love.

What I notice, Mias, is that signs happen now that didn't happen before. I swear, I never, ever found a feather like that before, not my whole life. Big ignorant crows feathers, yes, tiny white feathers, no. And the boys' radios keep turning themselves up and down, volume-wise. Two different radios, not bought together, we got one from freecycle. Toys moving of their own accord. It cannot be coincidence.
I feel a bit more "normal" now. I don't think I will ever feel truly normal again but I am much more like myself than I have been for the last 3 months. I do feel that I can carry on with my life, albeit reluctantly. BIL and SIL came over on Saturday for dinner and SIL and I put on 80's music and danced like eejits! I am enjoying reading Roald Dahl to ds3 and Owl Babies to ds4. I have to draw the line at My Naughty Little Sister.

Morning girls xx

I have always had lots of signs from my boys....lots of weird things happen. I cant remember when (probably about a year ago or maybe a little more) but suddenly, out of the blue, I realised that I felt they had both 'gone.' I kept coming on here like a crazy woman saying 'they are not in the house with me', 'why have they gone?' For many weeks I felt alone....totally, utterly alone.

They are 'back' now - maybe they thought after all these years it was time to 'move on', but then realised that their mother still has very down times.

Having read this post back to myself I realise I could only say these words on this thread

Morning ladies xx

Morning ladies.

I haven't really had any signs from Zoe, although I think I felt her the day before Christmaas Eve. I was sat crying on the couch and I suddenly went very cold and the hairs on my neck stood up, it lasted for a good few minutes. I like to think she came to visit me.

All the stories of your signs makes me smile, I just wish I had some of my own.

blizy, I think the signs can be very, very subtle and I'm not sure why some people get them more than others. But I would count chills and hairs rising on the back of my neck a very strong sign!

Oh chip - I really hope it was my Zoe bear.

Girls I have a huge dilemma, my uncle died today and his funeral is on fri at the same place as we had Zoe's funeral. I just can't bring myself to go, but I know for a fact my aunt will disown me if I don't go.. I do want to say goodbye to him and will be upset that I can't make it. Why is life so hard? And to top it all off my oldest and bestest friend had a stroke yesterday, she is only 29 and very fit and healthy so was a huge shock.

I hope you are all well. X

blizy, 25 years after her ds6 died, and around 30 years after her ds2 died, my aunt could not bear to go to Sylvie-Rose's funeral. I totally understood. If your aunt disowns you for that, then I doubt the relationship is worth it! Could another family member explain for you, if she's difficult?
about your friend but hopefully her age will be in her favour and she will make a decent recovery.
Well, encountered a DHAC today. Apparently it's a good thing they didn't manage to save Sylvie-Rose as she would have been brain damaged and she knows how I feel as she lost her dog.

blizy I am sure it was your gorgeous Zoe bear. But I agree, often the signs are subtle.

I am so sorry about your uncle. But if you can't go, you can't go, and you shouldn't make yourself. 100% with chip here. Maybe have another family member explain to your aunt that the depth of loss, of not only Zoe but also your uncle, is too much for you.

I am also sending lots of good, strong healing thoughts your way. For you, for your friend, and for your aunt.

chip and for you! I would have probably done something quite loud and / or violent when that DHAC said those things... but I know you are a lady, and have far better self-control... did she really think those pearls of wisdom would make you feel better?!?

Oh Blizy I think it was Zoe you felt. I'm sorry to hear about your uncle and totally understand your reluctance to go. Could you perhaps just skip the church but go to the cemetery or wake? Or if he is in a chapel of rest and you think you could bear it ask your aunt if you could go and say your goodbyes there. It's ever so hard.

My cousin is getting married in the church where Erin's funeral was in April. It's kind of our family church - my sister was married there 20 yrs ago, my grandparents and great aunts funerals were there, Katie and her cousins were all christened there so I knew when we planned Erin's funeral the wedding was going to be there. I actually asked their 'permission' as I feel bad as I know a lot of our family will be sat in the wedding service thinking about the last time we were all there together. Life has become very complicated.

Chip Dog? DOG??! Words fail me. It must be the day for them today someone told me they knew exactly how I feel because they had a terrible, really traumatic labour.....she was holding her perfectly healthy 1yr old who emerged unscathed from said traumatic labour! I couldn't help it I snapped back that I'd have gladly had a traumatic labour if it meant a healthy baby at the end. Normally I would have smiled sweetly but this woman has got form for competitive misery and I couldn't be doing with it today

OMG! I can't believe what they small minded women said to you both! some people really do not have a clue.

whatever it is at a crematorium with nothing before hand. I could go to the wake but I really don't think I would be welcomed by my Aunt, she has previous. Anyway I told my sister I would mind my nephew so she could go.

I feel quite guilty because I am not really upset about my uncle, yes it is sad and I really feel for my Aunt but it feels like nothing to me compared to losing Zoe.

blizy, don't worry too much about your aunt and don't feel too guilty about not feeling much for your uncle. I have to confess that when someone loses a parent or spouse now, I do feel for them but not as much as I did before. I lost my Dad in 2002 and I did feel terrible but nothing like how I feel now. And I adored my Dad. It really is all relative.

Thank you chip, you have been a great help. Hope you and the boys are ok? x

Not too bad at the moment. I brought ds4 shopping today in a retail outlet and on the way back called in to a big garden centre I had been meaning to visit for a while. It was fab! Sad that I am glad to find a place with nice things for her grave but they had lovely stuff. I am doing more with ds4 now than I had done for a while but that will probably change next month when I go back to work.

Life is a new kind of normal now. That's good you are having some one to one time with ds4, it will be good for you both. I'm off to get ready for bed now, goodnight. X

People can be so thoughtless can't they. We were asked 3 weeks after Jacob died 'feeling better now?' Er, NO!
Bad news for us last week, DH is being made redundant. Bit of a shock, we knew there may be changes to his department,but they are getting rid of all of them!
DH is so angry and upset. He loves his job and really cares about the place he works, and it's so soon after Jacob. He is trying so hard to be strong, bless him.
Also we are getting nowhere with trying to find out why I had to have an EMCS and what went wrong.Still waiting for meeting to discuss it with the consultant, sigh.
Sorry for rant!
Lovely to hear about the signs people are getting. I 'felt' Jacob when I was walking the other day. He was in his sling, close to me, it was lovely and sad at the same time.
Wishing you all a good day today.

Morning girls xx

tallulah feeling better?!?! Stupidly and insensivity beyond belief...

Not good news about your DH's redundancy. Hoping that it will be a while off yet and he can find something else quickly.

So sorry to hear about your quest for answers about Jacob and your EMCS is so difficult. You might like to consider putting in a formal complaint to your hospital? That way, there is a recognised procedure and specified timeframe in which they have to respond, which should help you move forward. And there is an independent patient advocacy organisation called ICAS which is designed to help people through NHS complaints, so they can get all the answers they need, from the right people, and help you escalate the complaint if need be. I really wish that it was easier to do, no-one should have to fight for answers on top of dealing with the loss of a child.

Morning all. Quick update from my phone. I had the iron on Monday and that was ok other than a failed (painful) cannula and then the second was fine. My sugar levels have dropped a lot, as well as my insulin needs, so they decided to keep me in as it's a sign of placental insuffiency.

Had a scan yesterday and lots of ctgs, which looked good, but they're still concerned. They let me home for the evening (was dh's birthday yesterday!) but I'm going back to be admitted today for more iron and also steroids for the baby's lungs in case they need to deliver before 34 weeks!

Not sure what's going to happen, I'm really scared, and she's breech so assuming any delivery would have to be a section. Hoping she hangs in there for a bit longer. The consultant said we need to decide where the best place for the baby is after weighing everything up and that place might be an incubator. Depends how my blood sugar is looking too but they don't seem keen to leave her inside me much longer.

Hoping to get a wifi connection at the hospital later so I should be able to catch up and browser etc then too. Hope all are well xx

I only seem to post on here when feeling low. It should have been Megan's 1st birthday yesterday, instead of a happy day, party and cake, we had tears and more tears. Family members came up to be with us for support and we placed a candle which had a cake shape on her grave and released a chinese lantern into which we placed our written messages for her, hope it flew to her.
The next month is going to be hard remembering this time last year, from the high of her birth to as far down as you can go at her death, then the loneliness of the following months no matter who was there.
Finally got memorial cards ordered, up to now was unable to decide what picture and poem's to have, but its done now and will be ready for her anniversary.
I want so much to have been able to wish her a happy birthday.

Oh Lavandes - boomerang received - its beautiful. I have just put it next to Matty's picture - he would love it. You have made me have 'a moment' and given me a massive smile. Thank you my friend, thank you xxx