Christmas hope - our safe haven thread for bereaved parents.

[shabbapinkfrog]

Hope....for the bereaved parent; even at Christmas, one of the most painful times of the year, there is an essence of hope. Hope....it is hope that sustains us through the days of grief and anger and frustration and loneliness.

The hope that someday the pain of the deaths of our children will be eased. The hope that someday our smiles will be real.

So, it is that for each of you I would hope....peace, compassion, love, sympathy, understanding, sharing and listening. In the sharing of our grief with one another, and in the emotional support we give to one another, we receive and understand all of these gifts.

Remembering my precious sons....and all of your precious children at this difficult time of year.

Thanks Mias. We did have a couple of phone calls today from the hospital, so things have moved on a bit, it's looking like we will get an appointment within the next couple of weeks, so hopefully they will have some answers for us then. DH is getting a bit tetchy, but has accepted I will organize this while he concentrates on work. As he said, we've been through the worst thing that could happen, we can get through this.

Cheese that sounds so tough, you are having to go through so much with this pregnancy when we all would have hoped you could have sailed through it!

Sad what a lovely way to remember your beautiful girl. Of course she will get your messages, she knew them before you wrote them down. >

Sad Happy Birthday yesterday for Megan... it still was her birthday xx

I feel very neglectful towards this thread. I've been reading the posts, but have felt too low to contribute, and also (when low) it makes me feel a bit isolated, away from everyone, a bit unlikeable, and in everyone's way.

So, some of you know I took DD1 to a group yesterday, and it was hideous, as no one knew me or what had happened. Then a woman with a 6 week-old baby turned up, and everyone was cooing over it, and I just sat at a table, alone, with my back turned to it all.

I'm sure that they all thought I was a freak.

Worse bit was when DD1 decided to get up on the sofa, and the mother picked her up, so she could see the baby, and my heart ached, boy did it ache. I wanted DD1 to see her sister, for people to be cooing over Tamsin...

So in the end I called DH, and he came and sat with me, and told someone who told the leaders.

DD1 loved it, she's a really confident, social creature, and adores other children, so I stayed, for her.

I was asked by two other mummies, to go to two different groups tomorrow, and feel awful, but have decided not to. I plan to next week, but yesterday was enough for me this week.

Morning girls xx

Morning ladies xx

Glad you like the boomerang Shabs and it put a real smile on your face and not a pin on one xx

A dear friend did us a big pastel drawing of Matt - it is so beautiful. It is currently in our living room in a lovely frame. I have put 'his' boomerang on the top of the frame - mainly to keep it away from Lewis The colours on the boomerang match the living room colours totally!!!

I turned the package over to read it and it gave 'throwing instructions' I was thrilled to bits when I saw the instructions also covered left handed people which Matt was!!

Dan saw it and grinned from ear to ear. He said 'Awww Mam our Matty would be chuffed to bits - he loved his boomerang!!'

I think everlong summed it up, there really are some utter fuckwits. DHAC's never fail to astound me with their insensitivity. I'm so sorry some you have had to deal with such shit recently.

cheese thinking of you. I'm so glad they are keeping such a close eye on you. xx

Things are 'ok' here - finding all the usual things difficult. Constantly looking at Xander and thinking about his sister and then feeling guilty. Watched 'Call the Midwife' and struggled with the baby being declared dead and then coming back to life. If only all our babies could come back to life.

Remembering my little Oscar who should have been 4 months now :(. Always in my heart and never forgotten, this has been the hardest Christmas and new year and I send my love to all of you who are also grieving over the loss of a child.

Oscar Jaymes - 17/09/11 Born sleeping xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

What is a DHAC?

Don't Have A Clue, karma!

karma, it really is so difficult with Other Peoples Babies, isn't it? I think in a way I am "lucky" as dh's sister had a baby in November, we had both been due the same week, and I had to meet her, go to the christening etc. Well, I didn't have to but I didn't feel there was any point in putting it off. What I have tried to think is, there's another child, rather than another baby and then give ds4 a hug!

Steph, I read about your beautiful Oscar on your other thread. I am so very sorry. But the one thing I would say is that you did not make the wrong decision when you decided to keep him after the earlier scan. You gave him every possible chance to grow and develop, his little body let him down. He felt your love every day he was inside you and I'm sure he feels it still.

Thanks chip.

So sorry Steph - happy 4month birthday to Oscar xx

I had a friend over, who has managed to completely managed to chase away the last vestige of hope from me.

She told me that I should get myself sterilised, as at my age and with bipolar I really shouldn't ever consider having another DC... never mind the fact that I did have a baby, and she would be 2.5months now!

I'm not considering having another at the moment. But her comments stung me like mad, as I can't say I don't ever want another one... I feel like a freak, considering that I may in fact want one... not that it would replace Tamsin, of course not, but for her to tell me I should get sterilised, and I'm far too old now, just 2 months after burying Tamsin, has hurt me like mad

karma, what an awful comment for your "friend" to make! How horribly insensitive so soon after you buried your lovely Tamsin! Ignore, ignore, ignore!

Omg karma, with friends like that you don't need enemies! What a horribly hurtful thing to say, please don't take any notice of her she clearly DHAC. I hope you are ok?

Chip - I really liked your last post, you have a fantastic way of writing comforting words. You are such a good support to us (as is everyone else).

Shabs- the boomerang sounds fab!

Big waves to you all. X

Steph so sorry to hear about darling Oscar. It's so very hard xx

Karma the person who came to your house today is not your friend. You really don't need people like that in your life. You need to try and surround yourself with people who build you up and make you feel stronger not one's who make you feel like this. Big hugs xx

Shabs and Lavandes the boomerang for Matty sounds so fab

Dee if you are reading this hope you and blob are still doing okay xx

Hi Chip, Everlong, Caz and Blizy Hope you are all doing 'okay'

Counting down the days until my scan next Wednesday. I am feeling increasingly mixed up about it. Already the few people who know are talking about the 'new baby' and not mentioning Erin. I don't want her to be wiped out by this new pregnancy.

whatever Erin is your daughter, she is still part of your family, so just keep on mentioning her. It's difficult I know, as I felt wretched the other day, when I didn't mention Tamsin... I've now decided to just tell people straight away, bugger them feeling uncomfortable, their few moments of awkwardness, are nothing compared to my pain.

Thanks for not making me feel so bad, I did think that I was the one being unreasonable, and that if I did ever show any interest in having another one, then I'd be mad... glad to know that's not the case xx

And now for some Dr Seuss:

"But on you will go though the weather be foul
On you will go though your enemies prowl
On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl
Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike and I know you'll hike far
And face up to your problems whatever they are."

Sorry for being childish but I do think that verse is pretty appropriate for us ladies!

Whatever think of it this way: Sylvie-Rose was my fifth baby. Every time I had a new baby, people would be excited for me because I was pregnant. It didn't mean they had forgotten about ds1, ds2, ds3 or finally ds4. Everyone who knows you and loves you will know that you had a little girl called Erin, who is the new baby's big sister and always will be.

That quote is so fitting for this thread Chip xx

steph your little Oscar will always be tucked safely in your heart. So sorry you are here with the rest of us.

sad your birthday celebrations for Megan are so touching. She heard you. She will always hear you. We will too, when you need us.

blizy I hope things are sorted with your aunt tomorrow. I agree, sometimes you can't feel anything beyond the grief for your beautiful baby... my grandmother died 3 days before Mia, and I still can't feel anything about it, although I loved her dearly.

whatever it must be so hard to balance the happiness of your pregnancy and the sadness about Erin. She will never be forgotten, she is her own little person, just like this new child growing in you.

karma that woman is NOT a friend. Big alert, stay away!! People like that are "energy vampires", they bring you down and it's better to keep your distance. Please don't let her bring you down.

chip Dr Suess has such wisdom!! Thank you for those perfect words.

shabs hope you've had a little play with Matty's boomerang in a nice big field somewhere for him! Great fun, especially when you have to duck to avoid being hit as it comes back... he would love it!

dee thinking about you, hoping things are all ok.

Big wave to everyone else too!

Me - well, after a positive week last week, this one can only be described as 'wobbly'. Doing it tough. Missing Mia lots. I thought I had built up some good structure and energy, but obviously not quite as robust as I thought. But good talk tonight with DH about next few months, so not feeling quite as heavy-hearted, and trying to fill it up with love for Mia and her funny little ways.

Mia about 23 years ago when Dan and Matty were only little boys, our neighbour went to Australia. She brought them both a boomerang back. Matty spent most of his time hitting people around the head with his awful throwing of his boomerang Danny told me the story a few weeks ago. 'Matty decided to throw his boomerang along the ground - the trouble was he managed to smash it into pieces. He asked could he have my boomerang, Mum, and you know how he looked at you with those big eyes??? Well thats what he did so I let him have mine.' 'His first throw with my boomerang ended up with it landing in a really high tree and we couldn't get it down.' 'Matty cried and went next door and asked our neighbours next time they went could they get him another one.'

Very sadly Matty was killed the following Spring so he never got his boomerang. He has it now though!!!

Thank you everyone for your kind messages it means a lot to know that people care.

karma I may be only 19 but going through a similar situation as you I can fully understand how hurtful and disrespectful that comment your friend made! I feel for you as all my friends deserted me when I was going through my troubles with Oscar, one of them in fact text me the day I gave birth to my precious angel and asked me if I wanted to go clubbing that night!! When things go bad in your life, the people who stick by you and comfort you are your true friends and they are the only people who's advice you should take into consideration not your friend who it seems ( please take no offense ) is putting you down. I wish you all the best whether you decide to have another baby or not. Only you can make that decision :) Also my mum is bipolar and I couldn't ask for a better person to have raised me and made me the young woman I am today.

Morning girls. xx

To our new ladies - Im so sad to hear about the loss of your precious children. Im glad that you have found this special thread but Im so sorry you have had to.

xxxxx

Thanks Mia's. I hope you have a better day today. X

Steph - a warm and sad welcome to the thread, I am so very sorry to hear about your little Oscar. My dd Zoe was born asleep at 41 weeks last feb.

I'm struggling a bit today, didn't sleep a wink last night. I feel so guilty and angry at myself because ism not going to my uncles funeral. On the upside Ian looking after my little nephew, I'm sure he will make me smile.

Chip- I love a bit of dr Seuss.

Hope everyone has a good day. X

Blizy - I'm so sorry to hear about your loss of your little zoe and over your due date, I know its hard to sleep with all the emotions flying around your head and nights seem to be the worst time I'm afraid. I had to interrupt my pregnancy at 28 weeks as Oscar had seven congenital heart defects and a diaphragmatic hernia. Its nice to talk to family but its so beneficial to talk to women who have had a similar experience, even though I wish we never had to. I hope you have a better nights sleep tonight and have a good day ( I know its hard to put on a brave face ) since Oscars funeral I've found it hard and I am also not attending a funeral today - I feel very guilty but people do understand x

Chip - The Dr. Seuss verse is lovely and inspiring :) x