Christmas hope - our safe haven thread for bereaved parents.

[shabbapinkfrog]

Hope....for the bereaved parent; even at Christmas, one of the most painful times of the year, there is an essence of hope. Hope....it is hope that sustains us through the days of grief and anger and frustration and loneliness.

The hope that someday the pain of the deaths of our children will be eased. The hope that someday our smiles will be real.

So, it is that for each of you I would hope....peace, compassion, love, sympathy, understanding, sharing and listening. In the sharing of our grief with one another, and in the emotional support we give to one another, we receive and understand all of these gifts.

Remembering my precious sons....and all of your precious children at this difficult time of year.

How many weeks are you now cheese ? thinking of you xx

Ralph I don't think that "has this actually happened to me?" feeling every truly goes away. Some days I sit here in utter disbelief; like my brain cannot comprehend that we actually have a daughter, or that she died, or believe what we have survived. Those days I feel very lost with it all, and then reality hits again. I think every now and again I go back into 'shock'. Its very difficult to really explain. Its been 18 months since we lost Belle. She was born sleeping at 32 weeks.

James sounds so beautiful, and the chaplain wonderful. I'm so glad you had someone who really understood supporting you. Whatever you plan for his funeral will be just perfect I'm sure.

Yes wtw - people really do assume from the outside that everything is better now. Had enough of people saying to me I must've had a wonderful christmas this year... I've taken to saying 'mainly, yes, thanks'. Why do people not understand that Xander is my miracle, he has bought a lot of joy, but he hasn't numbed any of the pain either. Anabelle still wasn't here for Christmas.

Ladies, this is not related to any of the discussion previously, but it was such a nice thought I wanted to share it with you... A friend whose lovely wife recently died from cancer wrote to us and said :-

I liken the loss to a pearl oyster... In your head something painful and uncomfortable has been lodged, and you can never get rid of it, but in time you coat it with something precious and gradually learn to live with it; the pain and discomfort fade, but its presence is permanent.

I am not sure that I have quite reached my Mia pearl yet, but I'm hoping that it is growing into something gloriously beautiful and precious.

That is beautiful

Morning girls xx

Morning all!

Ralph how are you? thinking of you and your precious James x

Mia, that is so beautiful! How are you doing, Ralph?

Urgh, bad day today. Please can i hae soem positie thoughts for the blob? Theres a thread in chat x

Keeping my fingers crossed for you and blob my dear friend. Holding you close and keeping you in my thoughts xxx

My thoughts and prayers are with you Dee xxxxxxxxxx

Thinking of you and Blob Dee and praying! X

Dee just seen your other thread. Big hugs my lovely. Prayers and positive vibes being sent over the Severn Bridge xxx

Morning girls xx

Happy birthday Dee and your ds3. I hope you and blob are doing okay today xxx

Happy 'double' birthday to you and DS today Dee....hope everything is OK. xxxxxxxxxxxx

Happy birthday dee. Glad to hear Blob is wiggling, and that manshape is spoiling you.

We have put away some of Mia's things, but her cot and clothes and changing table are in our room. She never really slept in her room either, but we have all the mobiles and drawings from her cousins in the wall, and have special books and toys in there, and the beautiful quilt made by my mother. I think I am maybe ready to move Mia's things out of our own room, even if I am not yet sure what I want do with all her beautiful clothes and toys. I always want Mia to be an open, acknowledged part of our daily life but I don't know what to do with her room. I quite like having it all there, but at the same time, I don't want it to become a 'shrine' as it is also used as a guest bedroom. Maybe I should just leave it until I am clearer. Thoughts?

Hello all and happy birthday dee, my thoughts and prayers are with you and Blob, I hope everything's ok?

Well, James is going to be cremated on Wednesday, just a small service, only 8 of us will be there. We're going to scatter his ashes at the same place we scattered my mum's - it's a beautiful bit of headland overlooking the sea. It's next to an ancient chapel and the cove Jake loves in the summer for pebble picking and splashing in the sea.

Amazingly, surprisingly, I'm coping better than I expected. I've stopped crying so much and things seem almost normal. Almost. I don't trust it though. DP is working late today so Jake and I are off for a walk to the playground as we have sunshine!

Mia those words were lovely :)

Caz I'm 30+5 today, hoping only another 5ish weeks or so to go.

dee hope you're ok, happy birthday to you and DS. Really hoping things are going well for you and thinking about you lots xxx

Ralph that sounds like it will be a lovely service and the place where you'll scatter his ashes. I imagine you're still very much in shock still and the surreal phase which I think everyone goes through. It took a while for things to sink in for me. xx

Feeling really nervous about tomorrow now, not sure if they'll want to do anything tomorrow or if they'll give me more time to get my levels up, I'm swaying towards just letting them give me the transfusion though (long as the side effects are ok) as I'm feeling like crap and worried about going into labour etc now with such low iron.

Dee Happy Birthday! I too have been thinking of you xx

Mia only you will know in your heart when you're truly ready, the fact that you're thinking about it is a step forward. Well done for what you've already done, though I wish you didn't have to xx

welcome Ralph, I'm so sorry that you've joined us though iykwim

Had a shock today (I have written it on my thread, but wanted to share here too if OK?) There was a new grave in front of Tamsin's at the beginning of the week. I felt sad as always, that yet another one was resting there. Then today I found out the mother was a girl I've known since she was 5, and used to date my son last year.... I felt sick when I found out, and shook, can't for the life of me understand why it had this effect on me.

I've sent her mother a message via facebook, offering her my condolences (we used to be friends till my son acted like a prick, and they broke up - known her for 15yrs).

Hate, hate that we're on this thread. Much love to everyone xx

Huge (((HUGS))) whatever xx

Hi Ladies xx I am back to reality, We have had a lovely time with our family in Sydney. Our new baby grandson is adorable. It has been a joy getting to know him. He was ok with us from the moment we met. I had forgotten after spending so much time living with the grief of losing Richard how just the smile of a new baby can bring so much joy. This trip has done me so much good, I have slept peacefully for the first time. Of course there were tears aswell, my son opened up and talked about Richard which he did not last year. He told me not to feel guilty about feeling happy. He is right . I just hope I can continue to heal.

I have been thinking of you all and hope that you can all find some peace in the coming year xx

Happy birthday dee you will be in my thoughts in the coming days and I pray all will be well, sorry but I posted this twice on your other thread. xx

Welcome home Lavendes - have missed you my friend.

Your post sounds so full of joy. I am so glad your DS opened up to you. xxxx

Thanks shabs if you let me know your address I will send you a boomerang.

Oh Lavendes you are a total star!!! Will private message you now xx

Lavandes how lovely to have you back. Your trip sounds wonderful, I'm so glad you enjoyed it and found some peace there.

Miasmummy I think wait until things are clearer in your head. It's been no time at all really. If you don't have strong feeling either way then leave it for now. You will know when the time is right to make a decision xx

Cheese good luck for tomorrow lovely x

Ralph that sounds a perfect place to scatter James' ashes. I'm sure he has found your dm already xx

Morning girls xx