Christmas hope - our safe haven thread for bereaved parents.

[shabbapinkfrog]

Hope....for the bereaved parent; even at Christmas, one of the most painful times of the year, there is an essence of hope. Hope....it is hope that sustains us through the days of grief and anger and frustration and loneliness.

The hope that someday the pain of the deaths of our children will be eased. The hope that someday our smiles will be real.

So, it is that for each of you I would hope....peace, compassion, love, sympathy, understanding, sharing and listening. In the sharing of our grief with one another, and in the emotional support we give to one another, we receive and understand all of these gifts.

Remembering my precious sons....and all of your precious children at this difficult time of year.

Holding your hand tight here Dee.

I had the same with my last pregnancy and of course as soon as they hooked me up to the monitor, he made his presence felt by then squirming like mad. I hope it's the same for you x

Oh dee, you can have my hand to hold. I am praying blob is fine and well. X

Firstly, all is well.

Thank you so much for your thoughts.

As ILike said, as soon as the monitor went on she woke up, and started moving. They said bcause my blood sugars are high at the moment, it's making her sluggush. I'm trying to get them down, but its hard because i'm fighting against what the placenta is doing naturally. Have to ring my consultant tomorrow and ask them to up my dosage again - it's being upped three times a week now.

But the main thig is that baby is ok. Thank Feck.

Phhhhew thank god for that Dee xx

Oh phew Dee. What a relief for you. Hope they can get your blood sugars sorted soon xx

dee so glad to hear everything is ok.

ralphgnu we are all thinking of you tomorrow. I can't imagine what you are going through, but please hold our hands if it helps. We will always be here for you.

Dee soooo pleased :) Do you have a plan for delivery yet? My GD seems mild compared to yours, my sugars are rising but slowly and I wasn't upped when I was there on Friday. It must worry you, I stress over mine as it is! Hope they can sort you out.

Having lots of braxton hicks again tonight, quite uncomfortable now though so I'm hoping they are just braxton hicks. Can feel them in my lower back and thighs too but then they said it was all normal last time so can only assume they are!

Morning girls xx

morning all! feeling a cold coming on here too... have throatache :(

Morning all x

How is everyone doing ?

Dee I am so pleased everything worked out ok at the hospital , babies are sneaky little buggers .

Ralph how you doing ? You and your family are in my thoughts .

glad everything is ok dee

I've been all over the place the last few days. very up and down. dh decided I've reacted badly to the new pill I'm on so he chucked it out and won't let me take anymore. He says I've been coping just fine till I started that. I'm not sure what I think, he bases it on how I reacted to the implant years ago and I wasn't great then. Guess we see if I calm down now I'm off the pill again. sigh.

I'm really struggling with dh atm. I feel like I'm hurting as much as ever and he's finished his grieving; put Anabelle in a mental compartment box and she doesn't infiltrate into everything else. He keeps telling me I should focus on what we have now and not keep looking at the past. How can it/she not matter to him anymore?

Fuuny enough Caz, I would have said it was a bloke thing, but a Mum I know who lost a baby to stillbirth years ago, seems to "compartmentalise" in that way. She mentioned a remembrance service she goes to in December and said it was "Christmas sorted" for her dd1 and she could get on with Christmas for the others then. Perhaps it's because it's newer for us but I am like you in that I want Sylvie-Rose involved in all of it.

Evening ladies, how are we all?

Ralph I have been thinking of you and little James today. We are here when you need us xx

Caz I think it must be so hard to be where you are right now. From the outside I can imagine people thinking how lovely you have a reason to be happy again. And whilst yes you do. You still also have the incredible sadness of losing Annabelle. It is what i am most scared of when i eventually announce this pregnancy - people assuming this makes up for losing Erin when it really really doesn't. Have you spoken with dh about how you are feeling and how you are perceiving his actions? xx

How are you doing Chip?

Shabs and Blue hope you're feeling a little better.

Well Miss Katie hashed first school trip tomorrow and I am terrified a little nervous. It's for their transport theme so they have to walk from school to train station, tour of train station then on train to Portsmouth, boat trip around the harbour then coach back to school I volunteered to go along but they had enough already. It'll be an anxious day for me. Never ever used to be like this but since losing Erin the utter dread and fear of losing Katie too is always there.

Morning girls xx

Morning and thanks for your thoughts yesterday.

James came into the world at 6:56pm and was tiny and beautiful, with huge feet like his brother. He was blessed by the hospital chaplain who lost her own baby under similar circumstances and we stayed with him for a few hours, took photos and talked to him. My Gran had given us a beautiful blue lace-edged handkerchief that had been her father's that we wrapped him in.

I wasn't expecting him to look so much like a baby! He looked so peaceful. The midwives were very very kind and the chaplain stayed with us for a long time, sharing her experiences with us. We haven't yet decided what to do in terms of a funeral, but I have an idea, just need to check if it's ok first.

Today I feel ok. A bit of cramping but mentally ok. Luckily having Jake here means we're thrown right back into our daily routine, so it's off to the shops and bank soon, and I'm glad of that really.

It's all very surreal. Like this has all happened to someone else. My mum died when I was little and I guess I taught myself to step back from the pain and carry on in a detached way. It works for me, I'm hoping that my bubble of self-preservation doesn't pop. I know some people in RL will probably think I'm being a bit cold about it, but that's the only way I can deal with it at the moment.

Ralph- I have been thinking about you. Please take things easy and take care of yourself. James sounds so beautiful and I'm sure what you plan for his funeral will be just perfect.

Whatever- I can understand how apprehensive you must be about Katie and her school trip. She will be just fine, you should take the free time as a chance to pamper yourself, you deserve it.

Caz- I'm sorry you are feeling so down, my Dh is the same as yours. He doesn't really understand that I still cry and get upset about Zoe. Hope you have a good day today.

I hope everyone is well x

Oh Ralph - that sounds like a very precious time. A time to say hello to your little man. The chaplain sounds truly wonderful....someone who needed to be there yesterday IYKWIM.

You can have virtually anything you want at a funeral....sometimes, if it is very different, it has to be discussed with the hospital/funeral directors. Most people think it has to be a solemn occasion but mine certainly wont be. I want bright colours and a karaoke at my wake.

I wish you peace and love. Keep posting. There will always be at least one person on this thread who will have experienced what you are going through. There will always be help, love and support. xxx

Ralph , I am so pleased you had supportive people round you yesterday , and that you are coping well . People who make a judgement on how you are grieving would do it whatever your reaction , we all do it in our own way and whatever works just run with it .

I hope you get the funeral you want for James Andrew , be kind to yourself .

Oh Ralph that sounds like a precious time you had with James. I'm glad your chaplain was so able to understand what you are going through. Your granddads handkerchief sounds perfect.

Please don't worry about how you appear to other people. Your grieving will be unique to you and you have to get through however works best for you xx

Ralph the chaplain sounds like just the perfect person to be there for you. I think we are all familiar with that "surreal" feeling and three months on, I still wonder if it was all a bad dream. Be kind to yourself and keep posting here.

ralph it sounds as your time with James was amazing. I too am glad that you had the chaplain there to support you. And the handkerchief sounds just perfect. But, goodness, I feel for you so much.

You will deal with your grief as you will. There is no formula, no right or wrong. Just go with your feelings. One breath at a time, one step at a time. It feel so weird that the rest of the world continues, and daily stuff needs to be done, while your world has just fundamentally changed. Do you have family and friends around to help you out?

I am sure you will make the funeral perfect. People are usually quite accommodating. We weren't very traditional at all. We preferred to call it 'a celebration of Mia' and asked everyone to wear bright colours, and one of the songs was 'Wheels on the Bus' as she loved to bounce up and down to it - and it was accompanied by egg shakers and bells played by everyone there. Her little cousins sang the loudest and made us all smile through the tears. Maybe Jake has a favourite song he would like to sing to his little brother?

ralph :( do whatever you need/want to do for the funeral and make sure it's just the way you want it. I'm glad that you had support in the hospital but please take it easy and don't do too much, your body is still recovering let alone your mind (hugs) xx

I had a good ctg today, all well, had more blood taken though and the hospital just called with the results. My iron levels have dropped again to 7.7 and the consultant wants to see me on Friday to discuss an iron transfusion. I don't like the idea of that as I hate needles and ivs :( I'll see what the side effects are and take it from there. I want to do what's best for the baby and I know my iron levels need to go up a lot. They're quite concerned about birth now especially if my levels carry on going down as they have been.

Something else to worry about now.