Christmas hope - our safe haven thread for bereaved parents.

[shabbapinkfrog]

Hope....for the bereaved parent; even at Christmas, one of the most painful times of the year, there is an essence of hope. Hope....it is hope that sustains us through the days of grief and anger and frustration and loneliness.

The hope that someday the pain of the deaths of our children will be eased. The hope that someday our smiles will be real.

So, it is that for each of you I would hope....peace, compassion, love, sympathy, understanding, sharing and listening. In the sharing of our grief with one another, and in the emotional support we give to one another, we receive and understand all of these gifts.

Remembering my precious sons....and all of your precious children at this difficult time of year.

Welcome Ralph - although I wish you didn't find yourself here.

So sad to hear about your precious little man.

One of my twin sons died almost 30 years ago (severe heart problems) he was 7 months old and my DS3 was knocked down and killed almost 20 years ago - he was 7 years old.

I am very lucky that I have my 'surviving' twin boy - he just turned 30 and he has a beautiful 3 year old son. I also have DS4 - he is 14 and was my wonderful suprise baby.

I have no experience to be able to advise and help you BUT I, and the other ladies on here, know how you feel. We are all walking this crappy path together and we support each other...when one of us feels they are falling the others prop them up.

xxxx

Morning girls xx

Hello Ralph, so sorry about James. What an awful shock for you. Hope things go smoothly at the hospital for you.
I lost my baby Jacob 3 months ago. Struggling a bit at the moment. A friend is due any day, I was supposed to help her when her baby arrived as I would have had 3 months experience. Now I can't even bear to see her. I wish so hard I was in her shoes now.

Morning everyone,

so sad to see another new face here. a sad but open arms welcome ralph - so sorry about little James. xx

Hello lovely ladies,

A while ago I discovered a lovely website of a bereaved Mummy in Australia who makes drawings in the sand and write angel babies/children's names on the beach. At the moment she is doing a special offer for sand butterflies. They are lovely! If you want something extra special to remember your angel with, please have a look here
I had a beautiful picture done of Sterre's name by twilight and have put in on canvas so it can go in my living room next to a pretty pic of DD1 :)

Good morning everyone.

Your words of support have meant a great deal to me and it's comforting to know I'm in the company of such brave and strong women. Reading this thread has brought me to tears and your courage has brought me hope that I can get through the next few days, months, years?

Today I am going to the hospital to be given the medication and I will be induced on Monday morning when I'll get to meet my little James. DS is very clingy today, he knows something is wrong but is too young to have any idea of what it is and for that I am glad.

I feel very calm today.

We haven't yet discussed what will happen to him once he's born. What I would like to happen is that I get to see him, hold him, wrap him in a little blanket. I know he'll be tiny. I'm longing to see his face, but I don't want him to leave me. I wish I could run away from everyone and keep him for ever but I know this can't happen.

The sun is shining today and it makes me angry; how can the sun shine? How can the world just carry on as normal?

Dear Ralph take your time to think about what you would like to happen, even write it down as at that very moment you might not feel able to express what you want. Bit like a birth plan, as you are going to give birth, but with all the extra things of handprints. footprints, pictures... Just to warn you that your little James might be too little and too fragile to have hand/footprints taken. I know my Sterre was, as she had been dead for a while before she was born. But you can ask, and the MW's will tell you what is possible.
If you are religious or even if you're not, you can have the chaplain of the hospital to come and give James a blessing.
I would also like to say that they will ask you whether you want a post mortem done and it is not very pleasant having to sign those paper shortly after you've given birth, but if you want it done, they have to ask you fairly quickly...

Would you like your DS to meet James? We decided our DD1 not to meet her little sister, as she was really tiny and it might upset her, but she has seen the pictures of her that the hospital took.

You will also have to decide about funeral/cremation...
Please know that most funeral directors do this free of charge! I was worrying about having to pay for it etc. but we only paid for the casket as we didn't want the bog standard white one they offered us!

((big hugs)) please do ask any questions if you want...

Bluetinkerbell I'm so sorry you had to go through this too. Sterre is such a lovely and unusual name, how did you choose it?

Do you know what? I feel like a fraud. Other women have to go through the pain of giving birth to their babies full term stillborn, or see them breathe, look around, move and then lose them. How can what I'm feeling even compare to that???

I'm trying to comfort myself with the fact that James will never know, pain, fear, hurt, anger, rejection. worry. He existed, was loved fiercely and then left us.

I don't think I want DS to see James. I don't even know if I want a funeral. A blessing sounds great.

I'm going to go and get ready now and get DS ready for his grandparents, who are taking him out for the day to be spoilt rotten!

Agh, I don't want to do this.

Ralph, you're not a fraud. You have lost your baby. And at 20 weeks he was very much a baby.
I lost my Sylvie-Rose when she was 7 weeks old but she was very prem so had only been home for 4 days when we lost her. But I do cherish the time I had with her and the cuddles and feel for you that you won't have had that. with James. I also feel for people who lost older babies and children as they had really gotten to know their son or daughter better than I ever knew Sylvie-Rose. Losing a child is dreadful, whatever stage you are at. I was upset when my Dad died too but although I still miss him, at least I had known that some day he would go before me. I didn't expect it for my dd.

dear Ralph you're not a fraud at all! Your James is a baby, and very much loved and wanted! and you will have to give birth to him, like any other woman would give birth to their baby at any further gestation than you are. But yes, people will say things that will hurt you, like for example you were only 20 weeks. They referred to my Sterre as being a problem... :(
Please don't pay attention to them! We call them Don't Have a Clue's (or DHAC for short)

Sterre is a Dutch name, meaning star. I always wanted it for a DD, but never used it as it is almost unpronounceable in English but when we had Sterre we thought it was the apt name for her!

I know you don't want this... that's the first thing I said to my DH after we got the horrible news. I said 'I dont' want to give birth to this baby' I wanted for the whole world to disappear and go back in time etc...
But you will have to, and you can! Just know that we are here for you, to support you through!
To hold your hand, to cry!
If you want, you can add me on FB, pm me if you do! Or I'll gladly give you my phone number so you can text me...

Ralph - I think at some point we all compare what we are going through with others. I feel sort of lucky in that we had Jacob for 5 days. Although he was very poorly and never moved or cried, we held him and spoke to him and hoped he heard us.
I really have so much sympathy for those who lost their babies before they were born. You are all so brave, to have to wait to give birth must be so difficult when you want to hold them inside you still.
I found Jacob's funeral very comforting, to be able to plan something special for him really bought my DH and I very close, the support we got from friends and family was also overwhelming. I know for some people it is too painful to go through it though. You just need to be gentle with yourselves and do it your way. Hope your DH is ok and you can grieve together x

Hello everyone, we are back from our escape from Christmas, a trip which somehow magically turned into a holiday. Tears and smiles for our beautiful Mia, of course, but a better time than we expected.

ralphgnu I am also so sorry that you are here. James Andrew is such a strong, beautiful name for your little boy. The women here are amazing, and please feel you can say anything you want without judgement. I will be thinking of you this weekend and on Monday.

My daughter Mia died without warning in October, a lively little red-head of 13 months. We still don't really know why she died, a possible combination of sudden pneumonia, and an undiagnosed bacterial vegetation on her heart valve, and it ended up as heart failure. We didn't have a choice about her post-mortem, although I hope you will be. We miss her terribly.

Please don't feel mourning James is not appropriate. He is your little boy, loved and adored. He always will be. Of course you are grieving.

Oh Ralph please don't feel a fraud. You are absolutely not. Each of our situations is unique. But we have all lost our much loved children. We are here for you xx

Miasmummy glad you are back safely from your trip. It sounds as though it turned out to be quote healing. I'm so pleased you managed to find a small bit of peace.

Well I went to the GP's today about returning to work on Monday and he just said absolutely not and signed me off for a month. Feeling pretty guilty about it especially as (all being well) I will be off again in July/August.

Not a fraud at all. That is the great thing about this thread. Amongst us are so many different childrens ages....so many different circumstances of loss....so many of us all at different stages of this revolting grief. Thats why this thread works so well. I never, ever think 'Oh well my grief is worse than anyone elses' for the simple reason it is not....the grief and sadness (and always guilt) that we all feel is both the same, and different to each of us.

Our emotions and thoughts often seem strange....as if we are loosing our minds. Then someone posts on this thread and you think to yourself 'Oh my word I remember feeling that way.' xx

Will be thinking about you tomorrow xx

whatever, forgot to say congratulations at the surprise news. Glad you are being signed off for another month too. I can see why your family is excited, but also understand you wanting to take things a day at a time too. Lots of positive vibes coming your way.

Hi everyone link here

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/miscarriage/1377901-two-miscarriages-at-21-weeks

Was wondering if anyone could talk to her xx

Morning girls xx

Morning girls - everybody OK? xx

Hi folks,

I know what you're all going to say, so i'm going to go in in a bit. I haven't felt the blob move much today. She's usually very active first thing in the morning, and then towards late evening and through the night. I felt her a bit this morning, around five thirty or so, but not much since then. I'm worried - i've done all they usually suggest, have a fizzy drink or a coffee and lie on my left side, but nothing. I'm scared. Just waiting for the kids to get back from my dads so i can go in and be monitored. They are due back at threeish.

Oh Dee, holding your hand, hoping that everything is well with baby. You'll feel much better after going in to be monitored. Hope the kids are back soon. I'll be thinking of you xxx

Oh Dee another virtual hand hold here. I'm sure you're on your way in now. Keep breathing. Praying very hard for you xxxx

Thinking of you Dee! X

AF showed up here yesterday :( feeling very sad but maybe it's Sterre wanting me to have a rainbow baby on the anniversary of her due date...

Standing, virtually, beside you Dee.....hope everything is perfect and you are soon home. xxx