Christmas hope - our safe haven thread for bereaved parents.

[shabbapinkfrog]

Hope....for the bereaved parent; even at Christmas, one of the most painful times of the year, there is an essence of hope. Hope....it is hope that sustains us through the days of grief and anger and frustration and loneliness.

The hope that someday the pain of the deaths of our children will be eased. The hope that someday our smiles will be real.

So, it is that for each of you I would hope....peace, compassion, love, sympathy, understanding, sharing and listening. In the sharing of our grief with one another, and in the emotional support we give to one another, we receive and understand all of these gifts.

Remembering my precious sons....and all of your precious children at this difficult time of year.

Jack has been a very busy boy today, not content with the ladybirds, he let me know he was here this afternoon too. I went to a friends with the dog to deliver his present and card. I decided to walk home a different way but changed my mind as i left and went back the way i had come. As i was walking past a van was playing. It was No 1 when he was born. The lyrics are so sad and so poignant.

Hi folks. Went to SIL's baby's christening today. I found it so very hard. Apart from my other SIL, who was sitting beside me, no-one mentioned Sylvie-Rose. Don't get me wrong, I didn't expect her to be mentioned in the church or anything like that and it was the new baby's day, not Sylvie-Rose's but it was almost as if she never existed. I think dh found it particularly hard because it was the first time he'd seen his new niece. All the time I was thinking, we should have been planning a christening too, we should have our baby in our arms, I shouldn't have been able to wear the dress I wore because I wouldn't have been able to breastfeed in it. I ache to hold my girl.

Hugs for you chips xxxxxxxx {{{{}}}}}}}}}}

Glad that your precious young man sent you signs Lottie. xxx

Its so hard when the rest of the world keeps turning Chips - I think many people dont know what to say so dont say anything. I would much rather someone ask me about my lads - even if I cry - I only cry because I love hearing their names.

Everlong - I know, without a doubt that our precious children can see us and are 'with us' always and forever xx

urgh, massive issues tonight. Xander was in a really deep sleep in his car seat earlier and because he was so still and didn't instantly respond to me touching him, moving him I thought he was dead. I mean, really thought it. I was seconds away from losing it when he finally moved. ( i say finally, this was all less than a minute)

then he's had a two hour screaming episode (never had one before like this) and he choked and coughed and spluttered and didn't take a breath for what felt like ages. I actually did lose it and panicked. I'm terrified I'm going to lose him and today I'm struggling to be rational.

What is wrong with me.

Caz - nothing is wrong with you - nothing at all. I would spend hours with my hand on my sons chests - just to check they were breathing. Being a Mum is terrifying. It all sounds totally normal to me. My sons, when they were babies would always pick up on my emotions. I didn't have to cry in front of them or show any emotion but they always, always, always would cry for long periods of time if I felt anxious or sad. xxx

Lottie so glad Jack showed you he was with you today

Everlong I really really hope they can see us too.

Chip hugs xx You were very brave today. I just wish people could have made it that tiny bit easier for you. They probably thought they were doing the right thing without realising they were doing the worst.

Caz I think our normal 'mummy' fears are so much heightened now. I'm not surprised you lost it. Be easy on yourself. K is nearly 5 and I find myself waking in the night to check she's breathing now. Not something I've done since she was a tiny baby. Irrational and yet totally rational given what we've all been through xx

I received a beautiful floral arrangement with a candle today from a friend. With a note to say she was thinking of us as Christmas and that the candle was to light for Erin on the day. So kind and thoughtful. And when I went to her grave there was a mini tree, a plant and a beautiful wreath left there for her. One of them from someone in dp's family who hasn't mentioned her since the funeral. It's such a comfort to know people are thinking of them even though they might not say it

Gentle hugs to all. This build up is so very tough xx

Wilfs godmother was the only one to ring me today. None of my family contacted me either by phone or on Fb. I know my Mum went to the grave as she put flowers on my aunts grave.

Lottie, it sucks, doesn't it?

Caz, even before I lost Sylvie-Rose, I was capable of being a bit like that. When ds1 was a few weeks old, I went into a blind panic when staying with my Mum and woke her up in the middle of the night because ds1 had gone to sleep for six whole hours! It's a wonder he didn't end up neurotic from lack of sleep what with his mother waking him up to check he was alive. Now that we have lost Sylvie-Rose, dh and I find ourselves panicking about things that didn't bother us before, particularly with ds4. And one evening, ds1 bunked off Tai Kwon Do. When ds2 arrived home and said ds1 hadn't been there, did I think for a minute that he had bunked off to hang out with this friends? No, I assumed he had been knocked down and killed.( And almost killed him myself when he turned up safe and well! )

Most people go through life not overly worrying that the worst could happen. But when the worst has happened, then you lose that blissful sense of security, that cheerful optimism. When Sylvie-Rose was born early, it never occurred to me that she might die. Have SNs maybe, yes. But I never thought she would die. And now that she has died, I can't help but think my boys could die too.

But the thing is, despite this, the odds are in our favour. Xander is far and away more likely to live than die. So are my boys. But when you have been that unlucky statistic once, it's very hard to be comforted by good odds. FWIW, Xander is the healthiest-looking newborn I've seen in a long time!

Caz it's realy hard isn't it, after we lost Jacob ds3 who was 6 months started rolling on to his front in his sleep, I was forever turning him back over as i was so worried about it.

Lottie sorry none of your family contacted you x

Everlong I realy hope Jacob is with his grandads looking down on us, I'm sure all our babys are

Chip how brave you are, it must have been a realy hard day for you xx

Morning girls xx

4 months on and I still can't really believe it's happened. When does the disbelief wear off? I understand she's gone but I still have moments where I just actually really can't believe something so awful has happened

I've no idea wtw - I still have those surreal 'did it actually happen' days. and so many 'forerverness' days when the hugeness of what has happened to me is unbelievable and overwhelming.

OMG I just went shopping....ON MY OWN....AND said hello to people and Merry Christmas.

Saw my neighbour who we lived next door to when Matt was killed. She hugged me in the middle of the main road LOL.....and said (read in a Peter Kay accent) 'Eh love, there's never a day goes by when I dont think about your two lovely lads.' Cue me hugging her while traffic whizzed past in both directions.

You are right Everlong - it never, ever 'goes away' the feeling of shock. BUT it does mellow....it sits on your shoulders but it is easier to deal with.

I wouldn't go back to the 'early days' for a million pounds xx

Well done Shabs , and what a lovely neighbour to just say it to you instead of thinking it .

Those early days and months are just so surreal aren't they ? Sometimes I long to go back to them because at least then people understood why I was such a mess and they expected bugger all from me , whereas now I am supposed to be "normal" . Whatever the hell that is .

Sending hugs to all of us x

We only lived in the house 3 months when Gareth died.....then she saw Matt just hours after he was born. Her sons were grown up by this time and we used to invite her into ours on Xmas morning so she could see Danny and Matt open their presents. One year they wanted a drum kit so I told them they had to go next door and ask our neighbour if it was OK!! LOL. She is in her mid 70's now but she never, ever avoids me and always talks about them. Her and her husband were totally heartbroken after Matt died.

She sounds lovely, shabba!

Forgot to say, yesterday after the christening, we went for a meal. SIL told me that her 3yo dd was in the hairdressers. The hairdresser was pregnant. DN said to the hairdresser "You have a baby in your tummy. I had a little cousin called Sylvie-Rose but she died. Your baby might die too." I hope she didn't freak the poor lady out!

Thank you Shabs and Everlong you do us hope xx

Your neighbour sounds lovely Shabs.

Can't believe it but Katie's got her first ever dose of headlice! Ive been religious about hair plaited/up and used a tea tree shampoo but it obviously hasn't worked. So we're in for a festive evening of Hedrin and NittyGritty combing. Ah well had to happen at some point I guess!

I went to see Dad today.. took him the pressies for the whole family that mum and I had organised between us. Then I produced a bag of stuff mum had bought for dad before she died .... dad looked like he had seen a ghost and then he broke down

But... I was dead proud of myself...held it together and produced a whisky and a mince pie !!

He was waiting on someone coming to collect mum's wheelchair and they didnt turn up when they were supposed to .. he wanted to get out for some fresh air. I called them and they were like ... we will be another hour.. where is your depot ... 10 mins up the road.. fine I'll bring it to you

Ross was soo upset when he saw it in the car... so we went to find some xmas spirit in build a bear, mcdonalds and early learning centre....

We were walking back to the car singing jingle bells at the pitch of our voices ... and lets just say Ross knows some versions I didnt.. we got some really weird looks... did I care .. not a jot..

I am determined to make this a happy xmas for Ross.. I am determined ...

Well done fm! You are one of life's troopers! You are holding it together for your Dad and for Ross
have a

Good morning ladies.
I would like to wish you all a Christmas that is as good as it can be under the circumstances, especially for those of you who are newly bereaved. I have found much comfort from lurking with you these past few months and hope that you don't feel completely through the whole festive period.
Thank you again for not seeming to mind too much that I was lurking and I hope you find some peace this Christmas xx