For not wanting a sliver of pain during childbirth (support for stillbirth)

[karmathreefold]

and then wanting extreme agony as punishment?

It's my fault... I knew the baby wasn't as active as usual, yet I thought it was OK.

I had a friend who had a stillbirth & she told me to check out any reduced movements - which I did, for my son, DD & in this pregnancy.

But I fucking didn't on tuesday, and I waited till the evening, when I knew it should be more active till I went to hospital.

So now I have to give birth to it. It's fully formed at 37 weeks gestation. If I'd got to hospital on time it could have maybe been saved.

I don't want to feel pain giving birth; yet I feel I deserve it, why not after it's all my fault.

I've never felt such pain as I do no, so maybe even a drugs-free labour would be less painful.

Oh god, I don't want this pain, I can't stand it

karma, you are perfectly coherent here talking to us and I'm sure you will be able to talk coherently with the psychiatrists. Will there be someone else there with you to support you? Your Mum or the midwife, maybe? Explain to them calmly that you want to be there for Tamsin's funeral and that not being there would have a massive negative impact on you. You have the right to grieve for your baby.

Karma you express yourself well on here. Everything you say makes sense and your feelings and thoughts are that of a (very very recently!) bereaved parent. If you don't feel able to articulate it to them would you feel comfortable printing this thread off to show them?

Karma, I've been reading this thread since you started it but I'm terrible with words and didn't want to say the wrong thing

But reading your latest post I feel I need to reply and agree with the others. You write very eloquently and I'm sure you will be as clear with the people that come to assess you.

I am so, so sorry that you are going through this. I hope that they understand that you are just grieving and while you need their support you don't need taking away from your home and family

Imnotaslimjim Thank you xx

Luckily, the psychiatrist had already spoken to my midwife, and CPN, both of whom told them I was coping well (they obviously don't know the half of it).

The upshot being that although they (yet again) recommended the day hospital, they are not quite as concerned as they were, before speaking to those who see me regularly, and more importantly, know me.

I still feel in a dream state though. I keep reminiscing over not being sure if I'd felt her, and the trip to the hospital. I still can't quite believe that they didn't find a heartbeat - I mean at times I really can't believe.

In my head, I can be rational and accept it, but there is a video loop in my head, which keeps going through it, constantly checking that it is true, but it seems like a dream, and I still keep expecting the loop to change, and for us to hear the heartbeat, and come home - me feeling a bit silly for my neuroticism.

Today I've been far more numb than usual. I woke up angry & resentful - even towards my family. Then the rest of the day I was numb. I even managed to smile (fake/polite) smile for an aquaintance. However, when my really good friend - the only person outisde my family I confided in - rang me, I was unable to say more than yes & no to her. She asked questions & I just wanted to get off the phone. I'm in a 'I don't want to talk' kind of mood.

I also can't believe that I've known she was dead for two weeks now. It just doesn't seem possible. The time has just dragged me along with it, but with no concept that it was passing.

I do regret that they left her so long inside me. She'd been dead for three days when they induced me, then they let me labour for nearl another two days, resulting in her skin being so damaged, and therefore even her poor little face had signs of damage. I wish they'd performed the caesarean sooner, she'd be less damaged, I would have been less damaged & certainly less traumatised.

Karma that the delivery was such a disaster, I'm sure with hindsight they wish they had just done a c-sec.

I'm glad the pysch listened to your midwife and cpn and they are giving you appropriate support.

I think it's common to feel in disbelief over a death for a long time, sometomes the momentary forgetting that it's really happened.

Oh, honey. I am just so, so sorry.

Karma.
I cannot believe your dignity and eloquence in the face of everything you have endured in the last two weeks. You - and the other posters on here - are amazing.
I have nothing to offer you in terms of understanding what you are going through, but my tears for you and your family, and all my love and best wishes. You stick with your instincts about your DSS and your own health.
I hope that one day you can know that this horrible thing was not, in any way, your fault.

karma. I have felt as if I am in a dream too. Maybe because we don't want to believe that such an awful thing could happen. Other times the reality hits me and I am thrown into a state of panic.

I do think, with good friends, it's possible to just be yourself. With strangers, we are thrown into "polite" mode, even in situations where no-one would expect politeness. With good friends we can be monosyballic and know that they will understand and will still call us back another time.

You are doing fantastically well. I want you to know that. It's the road no-one ever, ever wants to travel but you are travelling it with strength and dignity. xx

Not posted before, but have been reading.

You are doing amazing Karma. Your posts are really well written. I just wanted to say that I can understand your feelings. I had DD1 by emCS, she died 8 days later. Even after going through all that I remember being sat at home and thinking that they had got it all wrong because I still felt pregnant! It made no sense then, and it doesnt now, but I could not help feeling that. I suppose it was a denial that it had all gone so horribly wrong.

Be easy on yourself. DOnt expect too much and just take things a day at a time, or even an hour at a time.
((hugs)) to you.

Thank you PositiveAttitude, I'm so sorry for you & DD1 too xx

I do feel as though I'm on a raft, on the most turbulent ocean, and am powerless as the huge waves crash on me, and the all too infrequent tsuanami. I want at times, for them to drown me, to take my breath, to surrender to their power, to not have to fight, so that I can find some peace, some calm in this storm.

I feel a little self-indulgent - a lot (if not most) have felt this way, and therefore I do feel able to write this, in a way that talking to friends/family, who have no concept of how I feel, is just not possible.

DH asked an acquaintance over yesterday. She was ever so sorry, and hugged me. I showed her photos of Tamsin (I want to show everyone who comes photos of Tamsin), and she looked, then told me that I shouldn't look at them, that they're not helping me, that it will be harder to move on if I keep looking - please believe me I don't constantly look - but if I have a visitor I want them to see her, I don't want them to pretend that she didn't exist. She them told me that she'd had a miscarriage & so knows how I feel.

My poor mother has never really shown much love or affection. Yet, till now she was the first person I'd turn to. Now, she is so upset for me, she keeps telling me how much she loves me. I'm so used to wanting my mum, and whenever things go wrong, have turned to her, for her to 'make it better'.

This isn't the case now. How can I turn to my mum, and have her fix it, when I'm Tamsin's mum and I couldn't make it better for her. For once I feel really grown-up, I can never be a mummy's girl again, for I failed to protect my own little girl - my poor mum is powerless to help me.

I've also found out I'm not a very nice person.

The DSS issue has again (as I feared) arisen. DH had emailed him to ask him to phone before he booked any tickets (this was last friday), however, DSS phoned last night to say that he'd booked a week, that he'd arranged to go out with his friends whilst he was down here etc.

Now I don't mind him coming to the funeral at all - in fact I'd like it for Tamsin to know that both her half-brothers were there for her.

However, DH has told DSS not to come. I did ask DH why, and he replied that he'd worry about DSS and what he was doing, how it was unfair on my parents to have DSS at their house for such a long time, when they too are deeply upset. That it would be wrong for DSS to go out, waking my DPs in the early hours, or alternatively being bored at their house.

So DSS has suggested coming down for two weeks at christmas. I had written a thread about this - when DSS was down before, on the weekend I'd slipped and was bleeding, and DH was supposed to help with DD1 in case of placental abruption (but went out with DSS anyway). We had talked about it & I told DH that I did not want his son here (our house is teeny weeny & last year DSS left me out, was rude, I went upstairs every night at 7pm, as DSS was bored at my programmes), he ruined my first christmas with DD1, all boundaries we negotiated were broken - I hated it!

When we talked about the funeral, I did say to DH that I wouldn't want his son here this christmas, that christmas was hard enough, as I we should have Tamsin with us, but just because she's not here, does not mean I want her place filled by another. I also can't bear that DH would have two of his children here - and they wouldn't both be mine.

Every time since Tamsin passed, it's been me who's answered the phone. Not once has he said "I'm sorry", not once has he acknowledged our grief, he hasn't even said he's sorry to DH - apparently he doesn't understand.

DSS's mum has two very young girls - the same age difference between them as between DD1 & Tamsin - and DSS speaks openly about them - I don't want to hear about them. I hate that DH's ex wife managed to have two living girls, whilst smoking & drinking alcohol throughout all three pregnancies (I hope I don't offend anyone by saying that).

I don't hate DSS ata ll, but I don't want him here for a while. There is a lot of history between us. He's only spent one christmas with his mum in the last 7 years, but she's decided to go away this year (we had DSS last christmas), and doesn't want to leave him alone in the house - to be honest I don't give a damn! I really don't care if a 20yr old man walks the streets - his mum is prepared to leave him, she knows what's happened, but still wants him to come to us.

I do feel that my relationhsip with DH is at an end. We'd discussed it & we'd agreed that thsi christmas we'd spend alone, just the three of us, spend the morning at the grave, spend the afternoon playing with DD1, just struggling to cope, and I'm pissed off beyond belief that DH has gone back on that.

My own DS in contrast, has been a model of respect. He told DH how sorry he was, he's only seen me once since, as he's respected our grief (bearing in mind I'm his mum & nearly died, whereas DSS couldn't give a toss what happened to me), and my DS was terrified for me. He lives closer, so it's easier - but in the same vein it means he popped in for half an hour, not come to stay for two weeks.

I just hate DH at the moment, and want to leave him, he shouldn't even have entertained his DSS's suggestion, let alone make me feel guilt - he's chosen that I will be alone at christmas now.

What's even more distressing is that Tamsin is being picked up from the hospital & taken to the funeral directors. I'm scared stiff they'll take her teddies from her, or remove our card & photos - I don't know how to trust them

I hear your pain and it's good that it's helping you to write it all down here.

I'm sorry you came into contact with someone who couldn't look at Tamsin's photos, and couldn't see that it's helping you to share them and talk about her. Your mum can't fix it and make it better because no one can, and it's not your fault that you couldn't save Tamsin.

You're not a bad person for feeling resentful of DSS's mum for having two healthy children, and I hope it helps you that you can acknowledge it on here- I have known other bereaved mums and mums of disabled children who have expressed similar thoughts. It takes courage to acknowledge these feelings.

I hope that you and DH will be able to come to some agreement about Christmas time, and I understand your need to have a quiet time with just your DD and DH. It's quite early to know how you will feel nearer the time about having people around you, so could you agree with DH not to discuss it until after the funeral? If your DSS is determined to come down could he stay somewhere else and just spend a short time with you on the day? I can understand that your DH not wanting him to be alone over Christmas, and feeling obliged to invite him if his mum is away.

Thanks GRW - but no, DSS will want to be here, and I don't want him - I don't care how obligated DH feels, he's made his choice, and can bugger off, I'm so angry with everyone.

I don't want DSS here, why should I want someone here, who's ruined last christmas & the one before (by baind so unreasonable & spoilt that I didn't get to see my family - or my DS, someone who was responsible for me looking after DD1 & lifting her, when the hospital had told DH I was not to, after I slipped & was bleeding with Tamsin inside... to be honest I now wonder if that had any bearing.

He lived with us when we married. He used to go into the bathroom when DH was having a bath & sit & talk to him. This never bothered me, until Valentine's - our first one, when DH was in the bath, and I went in there, and we were 'playing'. Then DSS started banging on the wall (we were quiet). DH then told me to go downstairs as he was embarrassed. I'd just reached the kitchen when DSS then went into the bathroom. I was really pissed off - our first valentine's, we were married, yet DH said to me after that DSS was jealous. I've always come a poor second to him - but this is not about coming second - I just don't want him here at christmas, and DH had already agreed this. I'm more than happy for him to come up in the new year - but I don't want to put on entertainment for him - I just don't want him here, I don't even want to be with my own family .

I understand what you say about not knowing how I'll feel - but I know I already didn't want him to come - before Tamsin died, so her death will not make me want him here.

I also understand that DH may feel obligated - but why let his mother off the hook, she's decided to leave him - she should bloody well not go if she doesn't want him to feel alone, I'm fed up that she went away last christmas too, and this year expects DH to accommodate - even though it's not convenient.

Also last night DH snuggled up to me, and was semi-hard. I tried touching him, then he stopped me, and he'd gone down a bit. I know it's probablyu not approptiate, but I thought he may still want me, but obviously he doesn't.

Why would he want me - my body killed his baby. His ex has two healthy little girls - despite smoking & drinking, and she had a late abortion (she wasn't sure wheteher the baby was DH's or her other man's), yet me - his rubbish wife, can';t keep a baby safe, even though I was so careful with what I ate etc.

I felt so bad that I picked up a knife & seriously thought about plunging it into my tummy - I just don't get it - yesterday I thought it was easier, i felt numb, today I'm in agony again.

I tried telling DH how I felt & he said that I probably got the idea to be sad as that is what google said????

I'm also angry with him because when I found out I was pregnant (unplanned) he didn't want her, and said that he never wanted another baby with me - I know that as time went on he did want her, and he's hurting like hell, but what if she knew that in the beginning he didn't? What if that somehow influenced things?

He does sound immature, and many 20 year olds don't have the capacity to understand how devastating bereavement can be. As you are sure you don't want him here your DH will have to accept that, and perhaps offering to have him for New Year will be an acceptable compromise.

The anger you feel towards those closest to you is a totally normal part of grieving, and it distracts from the overwhelming pain of the loss. I am normally a calm person, but when my sister died I got really angry because I didn't want my parents' friends who didn't know her at the Crematorium.

You are feeling rubbish because you couldn't prevent Tamsin's death, but one day you will truly understand that you have nothing to blame yourself for.

I hope that you and your DH can find a way to comfort eachother in your grief. Take care x

You sound so sad and so hurt.

What is happening about the CPN and psychiatrist visit?

Your posts are amazing and I'm glad your posting here. Its humbling to read such honesty and coherence in the face of such grief. Are getting support in real life? Can you talk to your Mum ?

My CPN came today. Funnily enough I was fine when he came - in fact I must look fine to others too, I just want to talk, but cannot cry.

Now, however, the grief has engulfed me again, I've not stopped crying since my CPN left. I'm totally consumed by it, I'm so utterly & uselessly wretched, and terrified that people will now begin to expect me to "get over it".

I don't want to right now. Of course I don't want to stay in this blur, where I'm carried forward day by day, without any real awareness of time, but I just want to be at a place where I can feel some control, but can openly grieve. Where it feels like my life, and not some horrendous nightmare - where I can gain some sense of autonomy.

I'm not sure how my posts can make any sense at all. My head is blurred, my thoughts are beyond my control, my eyes can barely see through the tears.

I would much rather write incoherent, illegible trite - and still have Tamsin, than be able to convey how I feel... though writing this is the only way I can get rid of it - share it. I just wished that by sharing it, it would become less - the burden would be shared, but I've sadly learnt that no amount of people saying they're sorry can ease the pain, even slightly - though it does help when it feels like you're alone xx

I'm afraid I just can't comprehend why your husband cannot understand that your dss needs to stay away until you are feeling up to accommodating him again.

You are definately the more normal one IMHO

Karma - do you have a Sands group local to you? If so maybe one of their trained befrienders could come round and talk with you and DH. Might help for him to hear from a 3rd party that everything you are feeling is normal (and certainly not read from google ) and also might help to mediate with the dss situation. If you want me to find out for you and find their numbers to save you doing it you can pm me with where you live.

I can very much relate to the utter disbelief. I felt like that for weeks afterwards. I lost count of the amount of times I said 'I just can't believe this'. 11 weeks today since we lost Erin and I'm getting to the stage of thinking 'Did that really actually happen' which to be honest is even more scary because it feels like I'm losing my memories of holding her so quickly.

One day at a time Karma xx

Whatevertheweather Hugs xx

I actually braved town today. I was shocked at how much it looked the same - stupid I know, but I expected it to feel different somehow.

I took some of Tamsin's clothes back to M&S - the ones bought when she must have died; I'm keeping some, but not the ones that she was never even alive to wear.

I felt so wretched. That no one else knew, that my poor baby's life is so insignificant - and that hurts like hell... she was a part of my life, since February, she is so much more than that. I even have friends who have started asking me over to theirs, telling me all about their lives - and I just don't want to know. I feel that they expect me to get over it, the amount of friends who keep telling me of their miscarriages at 12 weeks or so, the amount of people who try to resist the idea that Tamsin was a baby - perfectly formed, perfectly able to have survived independently of me, if she'd been delivered alive.

In the news today is a story about a baby born at 26 weeks, she had loads of problems, associated with being born so premature, but she is a healthy little girl now - my Tamsin was even older, would have had less problems if born - yet she is dismissed - as if she were not real - and that makes me MAD. I held her in my arms, her little fingers were curled around mine, her little eyes were ope - and were the exact same shade as her dad's.

She also had thick, jet black, hair. Neither of my other two children were born with thick, dark hair, they were both born with very sparse, fine, fair hair.

I've been very snappy with DH, for everything he says. He told me that whilst I was in a shop uptown (he was sat outside), he saw an ex-girlfriend -- the one before me. He started to talk about her, and I got in a mood. I feel so vulnerable, so insecure, and a bit confused as to why he'd want to talk about an ex...

I'm sorry you feel so wretched today, and that some of your friends don't understand the depth of your grief for Tamsin. They are probably trying to help by distracting you with their news, but you just need them to listen to you and not deny your pain. It's so hard to understand how a baby's heart can just stop beating for no reason.

Tamsin sounds like she was a beautiful baby with her thick black hair, and I hope you've got some photos and hand a foot prints to keep. Your words on here are a tribute to how much she meant to you, and I hope it's helping you to keep talking about her here. I'm sure that your posts will help other mothers going through similar experiences in the future.

I'm sorry your DH is being insensitive. Have you tried asking him to read some of this thread? You express yourself so well it may help him to understand. Take care x

karma, how brave of you to bring the clothes back. I have clothes hung up in the wardrobe upstairs that I can't bear to put away, all brand new.

People really don't get it, I think. One of my friends said Sylvie-Rose "wasn't meant to be" Now, Sylvie-Rose was born at 28 weeks but lived for 7 weeks, was doing wonderfully well and was not expected to die. For all of those 7 weeks I went up to her in the NICU, held her, fed her, changed her nappy and in the end took her home for three days and still someone says she wasn't meant to be! Your Tamsin was actually older than my Sylvie-Rose, your Tamsin was 2 weeks older than Sylvie-Rose and I can tell you, Sylvie-Rose was most definitely a real person! Having a miscarriage is also dreadful but there is a massive difference between a 12 week old foetus and a 37 week baby. A 37 week baby is a fullterm baby and wouldn't even be sent to SCBU if born at that time.

karma, I read your other threads as well as this one and I'm sorry to say that your dh really does sound abusive. He has no respect for you, allows his son to be disrespectful to you and IMO is harming your relationship with your own son. In general, I feel that where there are step-children, you do need to be careful that they don't feel alienated by their step-parents and step-siblings. But there does need to be a bit of give and take when all concerned are adults. I really don't think, for example, that if I were 37 weeks pregnant, that dh and my ds1 would have gone out and left me alone with ds4 if a doctor had warned against this. And my ds1 is only 15. Sometimes, in families, one person will be more in need of TLC than the others. I think that when you were in need of TLC, you were ignored and dismissed. Your own ds is sidelined and your dss pandered to.

Generally GRW men like that don't respond well to being shown threads and tend to dismiss us all as being a bunch of man-hating feminists. What would worry me is that karma could very well end up being afraid to come on MN, which is a huge source of support to her at the moment.

karma, you are better than this! Please think about what is in this relationship for you. You are so vulnerable at the moment and I am so sad at how he has belittled and dismissed your feelings.

chip I'm not so sure I'm brave, I almost think I'm trying to dismiss her existence by doing so, but the items I took back were vests (pretty generic & not special to Tamsin), and a very special cardigan & two top, both bought on the day I'm pretty sure she was already gone by).

I've still kept a special jacket I bought for her, and I still have the first clothes she ever wore. I could take the jscket back, but it was supposed to be what she wore when I brought her back from hospital, so I cannot get rid of that.

I found this morning, that I've accepted she's not going to be coming home. Mad as it sounds, I just never really believed it till now. I still kept thinking how she should be here, should here her cry, but there is now an uneasy acceptance that she won't ever be coming home - and to some extent this is more upsetting - as if she was a beautiful, perfect dream, that I dared to believe in - how pathetic was I too believe that it would have a happy ending?

I'm starting to blame my 'superstitions' for things going wrong. I happily admit to being totally crazy in this department; my CPN says it's my way of trying to control my environment, when things seem out of my control (and as someone who was anorexic twice, then trying to control the uncontrollable is a part of my personality).

So I had little 'superstitions'. Mainly they revolved around trying to keep everything the same as when I had a happy experience. For example, things have to be put back in the exact same spot, I have to do things in a certain order (gosh I sound OCD, yet I'm so cluttered & seemingly disorganised that it's hard to explain - though I hate throwing things away, in case it brings bad luck).

DH had been on at me to change my mobile provider, and I did - just before Tamisn died. I am saving a lot of money, but I had to get rid of my phone, and now I can't help blaming my new phone, and changing networks, for having a hand in what happened - as mad as it sounds I really do feel uneasy about it all now.

I also can't stop feeling bad about knowing something was goig to go wrong. I've always feared the worst - that's part of me, but this was different. I've said before that I kept posting about things I thought were problems, and I could prove it by showing you messages I sent to my midwife friend on facebook.

I was so worried about GD that I rang my Dr & told her my concerns. I told her I was worried about high glucose levels causing stillbirth - 10 weeks before Tamsin died. With DD1 I had polyhydramnios, she was very large for dates, I had continual thrush - yet every GTT was negative. As it was with Tamsin. With DD1 I ate loads of chocolate, biscuits etc - and never worried, with Tamsin I stopped the chocolate and sweets, ate only brown rice, no chips, no white bread/rice. I ate seeded bread (i don't think I could touch it again), ate oatcakes, made sure everything was low GI, made sure I ate sufficient protein.

I'm haunted by the fact that in the last two weeks, when I told both the consultant & my midwife that I'd started having chocolate cravings, that reassured by them I did eat some at night. Yet my weight gain was minimal (despite my high BMI at the start, I actually lost at the beginning and ended the pregnancy with a lower BMI).

Reading my labour notes I found that the EMCS was needed due to obstucted labour - apparently this is quite rare. It was due to the fact that although I had strong uterine contractions, and I was dilating, Tamsin could not move down into the birth canal, and stayed at the top - this was an acutal emergency I've now found, and the reason I tore.

Hi Karma not posted before but I've been following your tragic story - so so sad for you. I had to say something today as I recognise so much of my own experience in your words, I lost my baby in August at 35 wks pg and like you I feel I knew it was going to happen, like you I'm superstitious about things like the bracelet my husband bought me before Jacob died with the baby- feet charm and the fact I sent a message to a friend who lives abroad the day before the movements stopped congratulating her on the birth of her son but deleting the words 'our baby boy is due on 12th Sept'.

There are countless scenarios that have occupied my mind and i've spent hours and hours just trying to join the dots. The feeling of being derailed, of having taken the wrong path in some parallel universe is overwhelming, as is the intermittent panic, disbelief and the feeling it's all been a very very bad dream.

I also struggle to throw things away in case I lose the memory associated with the object. Your dealing with Tamsin's things, keeping what you know you can't part with and taking back others is exactly what you should do because only you know what feels the right way forward. You are dealing with this and you are brave and strong enough even though you might not feel it. I wish there was something I could say to help you through this awful time but I know that it has to be lived through. One midwife said to me, having lost a baby some 20 years earlier, 'you will get through this'. I didn't believe her but here I am, life continues. I wish you courage and again, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Karma I have very very very very limited knowledge/experience, the only knowledge/experience I have is 2nd hand by becoming a closer friend with someone a couple of months after her first born was stillborn at 37 weeks. To me every part of your thinking and feeling and doing that you are writing on here are completely and utterly "typical" of someone grieving for their child who has died very very recently. I would still think much of it is typical many months down the line - grief is grief and each persons is unique.

Just as a friend (and not a close one until a few months down the line) I would sometimes weep and weep for their loss even months later (even now years later if I think about it), he was their son, he had a name, he had and lived and moved on the "inside" had responded and everything. People would ask me what had happened or PM conclusion and sometimes it would make me burst into tears - and who am I to have such intense grief for someone elses child, for someone elses loss, seeing my friends in such awful awful pain and to be able to do nothing to help - there are no words or actions that can change what happened.

Tamsin is your daughter she always will be, I cannot imagine the agony you are experiencing and honestly if anyone of us could take away just a sliver of that level of pain and torture and sure we all would. It is awful to be so helpless, all we can do is listen and try and impress on you that your feelings and thoughts and actions are "normal" (as for your psych team - omg they need some training on grief!). You will never be the "same" person you were before but you will learn to live with Tamsin having died before her time and to find a level of joy in living again.

Same with wishing you were dead - completely typical (I think, certainly on bad days with my own issues I feel like that) and it is a world away from being suicidal, again I wouldn't do that to my dc.

Huge huge hugs Karma, concentrate and spending time with people who you find supportive and do not feel pressured into to spending time with people who make you feel worse. "Sorry I'm not up to seeing anyone/you today" is a perfectly polite and acceptable expression to use on people whether it's on the phone or at the door.

I apologise in advance if I've over stepped the mark or offended you at all, it's hard to put something down in writing when you can't see how the recipient is at that moment in time.

Please be kind to yourself and I am so desperately sorry that Tamsin died before her time and that the medics didn't take your concerns seriously

Thank you August, so sorry for your loss of Jacob xx

Thank you too Random, you haven't offended me at all xx

I feel utterly alone today. chip was right, there were marital difficulties before, but losing Tamsin brought us together in a way I never thought possible; I'd honestly never felt closer to anyone before in my life. His grief, as well as fear over me, was like a bond, so strong, that it negated & cancelled out, any problems we'd ever had - I honestly thought we could never break that bond, never have any distance as we were so close.

Unfortunately that's now ceasing to be the case. Irregardless of whether I get anything out of the relationship or not, I do feel the need to be close to DH right now, to cling to him, irrespective of the long-term. I feel so utterly alone, so despondent, and he is the only one who knows how I feel, the only one who shared my plans, dreams, hopes for Tamsin.

Our DD1 has played up the last few nights, and DH has slept, leaving me to deal with it. I cannot pick her up due to the c section. So, the other night I left the house at 3.30am, just walking around. Last night it was worse and there was an 'incident'. I don't want to blame DH as I'm quite unreasonable at night, and get panicky at night.

DH has not spoken to me today, he looks broken. I don't know what to do. I know he's going to suggest breaking up. I could have guessed this the other night, when he was aroused, but pushed my hand away (I guess that makes me terrible for even touching him, but I wanted to, I don't know why). We hadn't been intimate during the pregnancy much, and him rejecting me the other night just furthered my feelings of isolation.

Then when he started talking about his ex-girlfriend yesterday, after he saw her, just hurt further.

I just want to be hugged, loved, I just want to not be alone, and having him here, unable to even look at me, is killing me.

I actually said to him that I bet he wishes he'd not me & stayed with her, then none of this would have happened & he just sort of laughed. So I guess he is angry with me, and blames me. After all, his ex can drink & smoke throughout her pregnancies & deliver healthy babies, whereas I try my best for my unborn baby & it died... he must blame me