For not wanting a sliver of pain during childbirth (support for stillbirth)

[karmathreefold]

and then wanting extreme agony as punishment?

It's my fault... I knew the baby wasn't as active as usual, yet I thought it was OK.

I had a friend who had a stillbirth & she told me to check out any reduced movements - which I did, for my son, DD & in this pregnancy.

But I fucking didn't on tuesday, and I waited till the evening, when I knew it should be more active till I went to hospital.

So now I have to give birth to it. It's fully formed at 37 weeks gestation. If I'd got to hospital on time it could have maybe been saved.

I don't want to feel pain giving birth; yet I feel I deserve it, why not after it's all my fault.

I've never felt such pain as I do no, so maybe even a drugs-free labour would be less painful.

Oh god, I don't want this pain, I can't stand it

Ah I've worked out I needed to be logged on

Karma she is beautiful. So perfect. I love the rainbow flowers you had done for her too xx

whatever I think you need to be logged into facebook

www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.2657939451815.2157465.1355757007&type=1&l=fdfc53ad98

this one may work xx

Yep that link works even if you're logged out xx

Oops crossed posted

Hi I've just seen the pics, absolutely beautiful xx

Having some strange thoughts today. The snow is loved by DD1, but I miss using the snow suits I'd bought for Tamsin, and the excuse to stay in, due to having newborn.

Also I worry about Tamsin in her grave. I worry that she is too cold, that she is in the dark - and I hate the dark.

Illogical maybe, but then I'm worried about going to a different hairdressers today in case it brings 'bad luck', so illogical thoughts are always with me.

I'm worrying that I'm becoming ill. My emotions are supposed to be unstable & volatile right now, I know that. But the illogical thoughts have increased. I worry that I don't fit in too, that I'm hated, I've even started having paranoia surrounding the christmas thread on here, and read my posts and think how selfish and nasty I sound (which is why I posted on here). I'm spending more than I have, and (when not crying) have begun to laugh to much, giggling at the most innapropriate times. I have too much energy and don't need much sleep.

karma Tamsin is not in the cold and dark. She is tucked into your heart, safe and sound, and she feels your love every second of every day.

You are having a 'down' day. A very 'down' day, and we all have them. But if you are really worried, perhaps go and speak to your GP, or for more immediate support, do call the Compassionate Friends helpline. In any case, this is a safe place for you, think of it as a warm, cuddly blanket to throw around you.

I have been thinking of you and Tamsin today. I am trying to track down a species of iris called 'Mia', but I thought of you too, as irises are very symbolic

In ancient Greek mythology Iris was the messenger of the gods. She travelled on the arc of the rainbow bearing messages between earth, sea and sky. Our modern iris flowers still echo the glowing spectrum of Iris? aerial pathway and the rainbow?s symbolic message of hope

I thought this was beautiful.

karma, FWIW, I think you come across as a lovely person on the Christmas thread and I can't see how anyone would think otherwise. If you feel those thoughts are getting out of control, by all means see your doctor but quite honestly, we probably all have odd thoughts these days, after all we're in a situation which is not normal in the slightest so it's natural that some of our thoughts are not all sweetness and light.

And Tamsin has been giving you signs, all those Rainbows! She can't be doing that from deep in the ground, she can see you all the time.

Karma please don't be paranoid about the other thread. You do come across as lovely. I feel a bit illogical too. I've spent too much on Christmas totally trying to overcompensate. I also worry about Erin. I know her spirit is not under the ground but I worry about her little body being cold. But if you think the feelings are getting too much for you do go and see your gp. I'm sure it's a placebo effect but I've been carrying rescue remedy in my bag.

Beautiful words about rainbows Miasmummy xx

Bless you all xx

miasmummy that was lovely. Very conicidentally (and there seem to be just so many these days) I googled rainbows and spirituality yesterday, and saw something so similar, it seems everyone get ADCs, funny how they 'come' to you, you don't have to find them.

chip yes she has been sending me signs. I had a wobble yesterday, when someone else psoted a photo of the rainbow (a man I used to go to school with), and he mentioned how strange it was that there had been no rain. For a minute I felt downhearted, that it wasn't for me, but then everyone can see anything, but it's what it means to you (not explaining it well), rainbows were always special to me, always wished upon them, I never knew their significance before now.

WTW I read on the other thread about how strange it is to go from grieving - to another role, it's sad, but true, that we have to carry on, but how incredibly strong to do so.

Had my hair cut off (short) needless to say someone doesn't appear to like it, I guess women should have long hair to be feminine. But I'm happy, I needed a change.

I'm trying to write some poetry at the moment (only just got in), but damned migraine is back.

My period is just so heavy too (sorry TMI). Last night & this morning I leaked over our new sofa, someone wasn't impressed. I'm hoping this is normal xx

Karma, if it's heavier than it used to be, do get it checked out. Just in case. Hopefully all is Ok but you can't be too careful.

Big hugs. If you're concerned that you may be getting manic ask the specialists to check through your medication etc.

The grief and illogical thoughts sounds "normal" to me. Do try to remember that Tamsin will always be safe tucked in your heart x

Dear dear dear Karma
I have just spent an entire morning reading your story.
I am so very sorry for what has happened.
Just losing your child, in the way it happened, is enough to deal with.
You poor, poor thing, I feel so sad for you, for what you have had to go through, and are going through.

And then I start to read about your husband.
I am in shock.
And his nasty son - making lewd comments about other women in front of you.
But back to your horrible, horrible husband.
He has taken advantage of any MH problem you may have shared with him, confided in him, and he has run with it, and it is clear as day, clear as day, that he those holidays apart from you - which are NOT a normal part of a happy, loving marriage - were taken with other women, or with finding other women in mind.
That those photos of his manhood, where meant for others.
That he has been cheating on you.
That he is lying scum and what makes it worse is that you must feel so isolated because the rest of your family thinks he's the Bees Knees.

What disgusted me the most, was the couch moment, when he manhandled you and then farted in your face.

I cannot believe you are with this man.
Please, allow yourself a new life far, far, far from this person.
Please tell your family everything.
Tell them about his penis photos.
Tell them about his infidelity.
Tell them how he talks to you.
Tell then how he farted in your face.
Tell them how much you hate him.

I am so very, very, very sorry, and so heartbroken for you, a person I do not know, so heartbroken that you have had to go through such a terrible time in your life, with this man, this awful excuse for a human being.

Please, please, tell everybody in your life the truth about this man.
You have nothing to be ashamed of.

I am sending you all the love in the world to help you through this, even though I don't know you.
Your story is the saddest story I have ever read in my life, and the sadness goes beyond losing your daughter, it is that you don't even have an understanding partner to share the grief with.
You are with a monster of a person.
A pox on him.
Please find the strength to rebuild your life with your daughter.
You have a wonderful son who loves you.
Once you have outed your husband for the vile man he is, your family will be there to support you.

p.s Please tell your husband that I hate him.
That I hate the human he is.
That he is scum.
Tell him that I could make him feel 1mm tall if ever I had the misfortune to have to spend some time outing him for the vile, uncaring, manipulative human that he is.
I'm sorry but I am so upset after reading how he has been treating you - and this has been happening for years, not just in the aftermath of grief.

I saw your FB photos.
They were very moving.
And you look so lovely, even though you are as heartbroken as anybody can get.
You can rebuild a loving life for yourself and your children.
I do hope you will out your husband for the vile person he is.
You deserve so much more, even if at first it is merely you being kind and good to yourself.

i have spent the last hour reading your thread, which has moved me to tears.

i have absolutely no words to convey how incredibly sorry i am at such devastating loss,

and more so, how incredible you are karma. how strong and dignified you are in the face of such a harrowing time.
i am in awe actually.
dont doubt yourself for one second, dont doubt your feelings, your instincts, you are as in touch with what you need as anyone i have ever known.

your pictures are so touching, and your little tamsin looks perfect. beautiful.

i wish i knew what else to say, i am so sorry.
i wish i could send you more than just words.
x

Ditto Vicar
Re: your strength and dignity.
Let it carry you forward, away from those close to you who continue to put you down.

karma

I've come to your thread after reading your comments on miasmummys thread. I am appalled that you have lost your Tamsin AND been through so much subsequent pain and yet awed that you still find space in your heart to comfort another grieving Mummy. I am really not sure that my heart would be that big. You deserve happiness and I hope somehow you find it in the future. baypolar is right that the first step is being kind to yourself, please do.

With love

XXX

Thinking of you today Karma. I think BabyPolar comments are welll you know - the truth. He is vile and you and dd1 deserve so much better.

Totally agree with everything BayPolar says, karma. Don't let him destroy you, you've been through enough.

karma, have to say that I am in agreement too. You deserve more.

Btw, the new haircut is great. Short hair is definitely sexy and feminine.

BayPolar thank you. I didn't really realise that my story would sound sad to others, just that I'm very sad. WRT DH, I'm rtying to find the strength right now. My mum will have us to stay with her, but the chimney they're having fitted, is not the right size (or something), and my nephew is there most of the time at the moment, hopefully after Christmas xx

vicar I really don't feel dignified at all, or strong, thanks for saying that though xx

nicenivea I'm not sure that my heart is any bigger than anyone elses, when touched by this it's so easy to empathise, and to want to reach & comfort those who feel the same pain - a sort of collective maternal/sisterly feeling; miasmummy has shown me so much kindness too, as has everyone else, but your words are very kind xx

random chip I know xx

miasmummy glad you like the haircut, DH seems to hate it xx

I definitely was heading for a relapse, and am not quite out of the woods yet.

Gradually throughout yesterday I got more & more 'giggly'. By yesterday evening I couldn't stop laughing - manically. Poor DD1 knelt down in her playpen, whilst I lay on the floor, totally unable to get up & be 'normal'. I then started saying incoherent things, and answered a text from DS with nonsense. So much so that he became very concerned. I can't remember much, as it's as if I'm absolutely paralytic - completely pissed, yet I've not had a drink since 2008. I've had these episodes several times before, but not for a while, I seem protected when pregnant, and breastfeeding (I was breastfeeding DD1 when I became pregnant with Tamsin).

I was unable to put DD1 to bed, I couldn't even get her sleepsuit on. In the end I had to take a sleeping tablet, as I know that I needed sleep.

My head gets all 'fizzy/electric' when I have these episodes, it's really like a buzzing in my head, and afterwards I get a severe headache & am exhausted. The laughing is awful though, it does look totally insane, yet it's totally out of my control - I feel awful, poor, poor DD1. It used to frighten my son, but valproate stopped it immediately, which lamotrigine isn't helping (valproate also stopped the migraines).

I'm also feeling so alone. Not just with DH, but with my family.

I was planning on a quiet christmas, but with my parents dropping over.

However, my lovely sister, has decided to invite my parents over to hers, and then told them they'd accepted (even though they hadn't).

She's not invited (nor has the room) for me, DD1, DS or my brother.

I wasn't going to cook for DS as he's going through a binge drinking phase at the moment (something else to worry me), and can be volatile. When he drinks he's not safe around DD1 (he gets angry). I was going to go to my parents too, where both my brother & dad control him easily. And, tbh, I'm soo not in the mood for having someone drinking around me at the moment tbh.

My wonderful sister is in a hissy fit, when my dad said no. So, now my parents feel bullied by her (she always gets her own way). Even though my mum told her that they wanted to be around for me, she didn't care (mum & dad were planning on cooking for everyone).

Dsis actually came round this week with a laptop for DH to fix. Whilst here she decided to show me her swollen tummy, in order to do this she had to take her top off, she then went out to show DH.

When pregnant with DS (and feeling very insecure) she put on her sexiest lingerie, and asked DS's dad whether he thought she was sexy, she also flirted with DH at DD1's birthday this year.

I feel so alone and abandoned. The one year I would like my parents (need them even), is the first ever year that Dsis has decided that she has to have them (and will stamp her feet to get her own way).

I feel so, so alone, maybe I won't even have my parents at christmas, I feel so, so alone

I just have no one to talk to. DH and I are ignoring each other (at least he's not being nasty that way). My friends are too busy to talk, my mum didn't come over today as dad couldn't bring her.

I really, really could do with a hug. I haven't had a physical one since Tamsin's funeral - no one has hugged me since then. I just cry and cuddle myself. I know what everyone thinks of DH, but I'd even like a hug from him, but I have no one, and I can't even begin to tell you how much I crave one, to be held. I'm sitting here, in tears, barely able to see the screen, and I feel so alone, so lonely.

I'm sorry for whingeing. I guess I should pick myself up really.

I sometimes hug my pillow, but I wish I had arms around me.

Karma, But I know that virtual ones aren't the same as the real ones. Can you go over and visit your mum tomorrow and find that hug you so desperately need? (It sounds like she might like one too, given the Christmas situation.)

As for your sister, she doesn't sound very sympathetic to you, or your parents - very selfish. I can't believe that she really is so intent on her plan, particularly only suggesting it a week before Christmas. I think it's time for your own foot stamping, it is definitely justified, Surely another solution is possible. Is there any way you can speak to your parents and propose another plan?

I am so sorry.

oh god karma this is just heartbreaking and i so wish i could give you a proper hug, i hate that anyone could feel the way you are feeling now and that no one is there with you, or for you.

do you think you could tell your mum that you need a hug?

how can your friends be too busy? i bet you, you know, that if you said the words 'i need you' they would be there.
i would
they maybe think you are coping, or they may be too afraid to say the wrong thing? but i think you need to say to people that you need them, and what you need from them, my love, god knows they will understand im sure of it.

i want to get into my car and drive to you.

please tell the people in your life what you need. that includes your sister, i can hardly comprehend the level of selfishness she is showing, but i think you need to tell your mum and dad that you need them this time, more than anyone else. tell your friends.

im so sorry your DH hasnt stepped up for you in this, im so sorry he is being so difficult.

are you getting some bereavement counselling?