For not wanting a sliver of pain during childbirth (support for stillbirth)

[karmathreefold]

and then wanting extreme agony as punishment?

It's my fault... I knew the baby wasn't as active as usual, yet I thought it was OK.

I had a friend who had a stillbirth & she told me to check out any reduced movements - which I did, for my son, DD & in this pregnancy.

But I fucking didn't on tuesday, and I waited till the evening, when I knew it should be more active till I went to hospital.

So now I have to give birth to it. It's fully formed at 37 weeks gestation. If I'd got to hospital on time it could have maybe been saved.

I don't want to feel pain giving birth; yet I feel I deserve it, why not after it's all my fault.

I've never felt such pain as I do no, so maybe even a drugs-free labour would be less painful.

Oh god, I don't want this pain, I can't stand it

Bless you all. chip thank you for resonding on my other thread, sorry if I've disappointed you. whatever thank you for summarising all I think. miasmummy thank you to, I'm glad you don't think I'd be disloyal to Tamsin.

I find myself feeling more like me in a way now, but that just saddens all over again, as I want to be a mummy to two little girls... and I'm feeling sad, all over again.

I also think my period has started. It's very light, and I'm assuming it's a period, as it's 6 weeks since Tamsin was born. I hate that it's started - my first one since jan/feb... and a stark reminder that I'm not pregnant anymore (how crazy does that sound?).

karma, you are a Mum to two little girls even if you only get to cuddle one of them. I also have a problem "getting back to normal" as it seems disloyal to Sylvie-Rose but at the same time, I know that time won't stand still for us and we do have to take babysteps back towards normality whatever that is.

I am not disappointed in you at all! But I think you have been so badly treated both by your ex and your H that I really think you have lost perspective on what a good relationship should be. For your H to say that your ex was driven by you to attack you, well that's just BS. And just because your ex was an abusive arse doesn't mean that your H is OK, because he's less of an abusive arse. There is not a woman in the world who deserves the treatment you've had at their hands. Tbh, you remind me of a girl I knew years ago, who always thought she was at fault, described herself as a horrible person ( she wasn't!) and also ended up with an abusive H and I really believe it's because she had been brought up to expect that that was all she deserved.

I think you must get away from him and I think that when you do, you will look back and wonder how you didn't see at the time how bad things were with him. He has chipped away at your confidence so that you have lost sight of yourself. You are worth ten of him!

I couldn't agree with you more chipmonkey.

I don't think your crazy feeling/thinking/perceiving that your period starting is a stark reminder that you're not pregnant anymore. That's exactly what is - you body has physically moved and is showing that you're not pregnant and there is no bf baby . That is difficult

Oh Karma I wept buckets when I got my first period 5 weeks after Erin was born. Ironically it arrived on her due date

As for your 'H' if you can muster the energy (I know how difficult it is) can you start making quiet plans to leave in the new year - sooner if the violence continues. Women's Aid would help you. Do you have an understanding HV you could speak to in RL and let her know the situation? xx

Well, getting the period is crap but at least you can have periods! I don't have a uterus any more and actually miss getting periods.

Awww Chip I'm sorry. It must be so hard for you to come to terms with I will definitely take that silver lining

chip (((HUGS))) I didn't mean to make you feel bad xx It was a thoughtless thing for me to say, I just typed how I was feeling, without thinking. I am lucky that they didn't take my uterus away, and for that I'm grateful, so yes, you have shown me a silver lining, thanks xx

karma, you didn't make me feel bad. I do have my four fab boys and tbh even if he had left my uterus there, I couldn't seriously have considered having another baby after having placenta praevia twice and five CS's. But there is something kind of reassuring about periods, you know where you are with them. (Even if where you are is somewhere you don't want to be!)

Bless you chip.

I read about the book your reading on the christmas thread - sounds very interesting. I've had some really weird thoughts about things that have happened... even before Tamsin was conceived (even before DS), that I atttribute to Tamsin - find it hard to talk about, and it sounds so bizarre that i don't want to be ridiculed for it, and as this forum is public I don't want to share - but I feel that only you ladies could possibly understand.

It's great that you appreciate your boys chip, I do appreciate DD1, though I do sometimes get a bit sad when people say at least I have DD1 - of course, for my benefit that's true (and I feel so aware of lovely miasmummy when I say this), but for Tamsin it's not 'lucky'... I don't know, I'm so upset all the time now, outwardly I seem fine, but as soon as I'm quiet I feel bereft.

I said before, and I still believe, I bonded more with Tamsin when I was pregnant, than my other two - not loved more, just felt more connected with her.

One of the 'weird' things (which is less strange so I don't mind sharing publically), is her middle name. I explained that I saw a rainbow the morning I learnt of her death, since then I've read of others who've seen rainbows on the way to their child's funeral.

I'd also never known that a child conceived after the loss of the previous child, is called a 'rainbow baby' - may seem insignificant, but I now truly believe it is beyond coincidence. I've always been enchanted by rainbows, ever since I was a child I've wished upon them (never a star), and I feel like I had my own... and without knowing anything of them being used in our situations.

I contacted a friend who didn't know yesterday. I'd decided that I was never going to speak to people who I knew before, then decided that Tamsin's memory/life would never be acknowledged by me sitting inside, locking myslef away - far better to honour her, by going out, meeting people & talking about her... is that OK do you think?

Karma, I think you do whatever feels right about best honouring Tamsin, whether it is talking about her or keeping precious thoughts to yourself. You may flit between the two. I can't help talking about Mia most of the time, but other days, I feel I don't want to ever open my mouth again as it's simply too hard.

Btw, don't feel bad for me. Each situation is different, I know that. I am hoping that we might be able to have a rainbow child as a sister or brother for Mia, but there is so much fear associated with this as well.

karma, I do think it is annoying when people say "At least you have the boys" or in your case "at least you have dd1"
Now a couple of months after Sylvie-Rose died I am beginning to appreciate having the boys, but what people don't get is that immediately after losing a baby, the hole they leave behind is so big and so deep that 100 other children wouldn't fill it. They do mean well but it's so unhelpful.

Oddly enough, karma, one of my cousins has a lovely little boy with severe SNs. She thinks that deep down she always knew that was going to happen to her. And I remember that even when she was little, she was always very kind to people with SNs. And her son is an angel on earth who lights up a room with his smile!

Oh and the day of Sylvie-Rose's funeral, we saw the most beautiful rainbow from the back of our house, the brightest I've ever seen.

With my boys it is always butterflies - and always two. xx

www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.2657939451815.2157465.1355757007&type=3

Posted this on christmas thread too, but just my facebook album for Tamsin, no face shots, but her perfect little hands. If you click on my profile you can probably find some photos of my DD1, I've tried to change the privacy settings xx

I've read and not posted until now. I just wanted to say that Tamsin's hands are just so utterly beautiful xx

Thank you - I've included one of her face now - it's not clear, but covers up the tear, so hopefully shouldn't be too upsetting... may have to take it off if DH notices though.

Thanks for saying that, her hands were/are beautiful xx

Karma I didn't get the chance to see your photos of Tamsin as I was at work

Hope this evening you're feeling okay x

Random I've not taken them off

www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.2657939451815.2157465.1355757007&type=3

They're on my facebook xx

I've also read and not posted but have been thinking of you..

Beautiful photos.. Just beautiful.

Hi karma, just poping by to say I'm thinking of you , hope your ok xx

Thank you both.

I'm OK, struggling with sadness, but glad there are so many lovely people on here xx

Oh, karma, what a very perfect little girl!

Thank you for sharing your very special photos of Tamsin- her hands are indeed perfect xx

Oh I missed them it says page unavailable x

Oh it is working now. What absolutely beautiful and perfect hands!!!!

They are stunning photos. Sad for you that her face was damaged but the one of the 3 of you together looks great - special moments when you were united.

Hugs Karma, big hugs.