For not wanting a sliver of pain during childbirth (support for stillbirth)

[karmathreefold]

and then wanting extreme agony as punishment?

It's my fault... I knew the baby wasn't as active as usual, yet I thought it was OK.

I had a friend who had a stillbirth & she told me to check out any reduced movements - which I did, for my son, DD & in this pregnancy.

But I fucking didn't on tuesday, and I waited till the evening, when I knew it should be more active till I went to hospital.

So now I have to give birth to it. It's fully formed at 37 weeks gestation. If I'd got to hospital on time it could have maybe been saved.

I don't want to feel pain giving birth; yet I feel I deserve it, why not after it's all my fault.

I've never felt such pain as I do no, so maybe even a drugs-free labour would be less painful.

Oh god, I don't want this pain, I can't stand it

karma, I have been like a bag of rats with ds4, then hugging so hard he asks me to put him down! It's all normal.

Hi just wanted to say I'm thinking of you x

Karma, I just wanted to say how sorry I am for everything you have had to go through and everything that you continue to go through. I hope your day with Tamsin is peaceful. I will be thinking of you at 10am today. Sending lots of love and hugs xxxx

Thinking of you today Karma.

Lighting a candle here too, karma.

And a virtual candle here

Candle was lit here for Tamsin at 10am. Thinking of you xxx

Thank you all, it is so much appreciated, and I love that virtual candle chip. It is wonderful that although Tamsin will never have a chance to make a life for herself, that her life has been noticed & validated, is a great source of comfort xxxxx

Today was harder than I thought, to have created her, then to see her tiny little coffin, placed into the ground, was awful, just awful.

I did manage to read two poems, one called 'Snowdrop' and one I wrote myself for Tamsin, which I would post, but would hate to be critiqued too severely (DH did query it, so I feel a bit rubbish about it).

DH did fall apart when he carried her tiny coffin to the grave - and his vulnerability was quite emotive, and touching to see. He really showed his fragility.

Two of the student midwives turned up, along with my community midwife. They cried, and that was really special - it meant more than words, as it showed they shared our pain, rather than saying anything (and quite often the wrong thing).

The grave was not quite big enough, so instead of going in smoothly it had to be pushed in - the catalogue of errors really is quite something & I'm glad that they actually had put the correct name on Tamsin's coffin, as I'm not sure how I'd have reacted if it was the wrong one still. Has anyone ever seen "The Worst Week of MY Life"? If so this whole experience is rather like that - except it is not funny obviously.

Went shopping this afternoon - and that was more hell than ever. We went where we always went when I was pregnant, and when I thought I was going to have a happy life, now I hate it, and I hate everything TBH.

I realise, now the funeral is over, that I feel more flat than ever. I carried Tamsin since February, my whole life since then has included her, all plans etc. Now the funeral is over, we have to adjust to life without her - which is like life as it was, but it just feels so empty, so, so empty.

Adjusting to life without her is so hard, and so painful, and part of normal grieving. Your DH was able to express his grief too, and I hope it will help him to know that he carried Tamsin to her final resting place.

I'm sure the poem you read was entirely appropriate, as it came from your heart, and you found the strength to read it yourself too.

I'm glad that professionals were there to pay their respects too. Lots of us were thinking of you today x

Oh you poor love - thinking of you, Tamsin and the family xx

I'd love to read your poem for Tamsin if you want to share it Karma. I bet it's beautiful. Well done you for reading for her. I'm glad today was a fitting tribute to your beautiful girl xx

Life will feel empty and full of 'Should have beens' Its totally natural. But you will get a bit stronger each day. Today I went in to Babies R Us and picked up an outfit and card for a friend who's just had her dd. I can't say it was pleasant and I really have no idea what bought! but I did it without falling to pieces. Not something I could have contemplated doing a few weeks ago. Slowly slowly you will learn to live with the loss of Tamsin and adjust to your 'new normal'. Be so very gentle with yourself. I found after Erin's funeral the shock wore off a bit and acceptance started to come. I hope you and dh continue to be able to support each other xx

I will upload it later whatever xx

I suddenly realised last night, that it was only a week before Tamsin died, that I'd had the slip on the stairs (I actually had a thread about it & how DH still left me to go out with his DS that weekend, even though I'd been on strict instructions to not lift DD1).

I have no idea if this was contributory, and up till now had dismissed it, as I hadn't realised it was soon before.

I didn't actually fall all the way down. But I did slip on the last three or four steps, and landed on my bum at the bottom.

I wasn't hurt, so much as shaken. I asked DH if I should phone the hospital, but he said not to, as I wasn't hurt. He then went off to pick up his son.

It was while he was gone that I went to the loo & noticed I was bleeding. I phoned DH - but he was travelling, so my mum came to look after DD1, and dad took me to hospital.

Tamsin's heart rate was fine, with good variabilities, and when the Dr prefromed an exam, he found the cervix closed, and the blood was by then brown, so they weren't bothered. They couldn't explain where the blood came from - but it was the second time in a few weeks I had a bleed - the one before was just a small amount of blood caused by straining on the loo (sorry TMI).

OK, so the bleeds may have been nothing, but the original thought was that it was caused by my cervix, but both times the cervix looked clean with no areas of soreness, so they discounted an irritable cervix.

The last bleed (after the fall) caused the most bleeding, but they were happy with her heart, and just advised me (and DH when he arrived) not to lift DD1 too much, just in case the blood was coming from inside - of course that weekend went off with his DS, as his DS wanted him to, leaving me to deal with DD1 alone, and having to pick her up - hence part of my resentment with DSS, who knew I'd been in hospital, knew what the Drs had said, and still persuaded his dad to go out, as he "missed" him!

Of course I expect that any damage would have occured earlier - but I'm wondering if the placenta pulled slightly away from the uterine wall, then atttached, causing a blood clot.

What scares me is my consultant asked me, the morning she confirmed Tamsin had died, if I'd noticed leaking fluid, as the 11cm had disappeared completely in 5 days, and I can honestly say I didn't notice any - and feel so guilty that I should have.

I used a panty liner all through the pregnancy, for (ahem) incontinence issues if I sneezed etc. But I never soaked a liner - never. And I never noticed any increase in the last few days. She even asked if I'd noticed if the smell was different, and that scares me - I feel it was in an accusatory tone, and I have to be honest and say I didn't notice - but just wish I had

OK - I'm in shock & feel a little shaky.

I've just had a report from the hospital. It's the results of the swab taken immediately after Tamsin was declared dead, and they took lots of tests before they induced me.

The result was a "heavy growth of streptococcus milleri group".

This meant nothing till I read that they'd circled the following - "for Group B Strep on vaginal swab, please show this report to your midwife/GP to commence treatment.

I'm now really scared, I had assumed that they'd tested me for Group B Strep during other swabs, when I'd bled, but I don't ever remember seeing this noted... I know that Group B Strep can be serious

I know others have more important problems than me, and I really don't know where to post this, and feel a little uneasy with going to relationships, but I'm so stuck.

I feel like a little flower, which is so delicate that it feels as though the slightest gush of wind, and I'll crumple into bits.

chipmonkey was spot on, and DH and I do have our problems, real problems. The grief of losing Tamsin really brought us together, and I felt that he really loved me.

I don't know why, but since last night, I've decided that I don't want this life anymore. I really, really cannot go back to the same life as before. Up till now, the thought of having Tamsin, and DD1 has been enought to keep me going, and if my relationship ended (as I'm sure it would), then it didn't matter, as I'd have my two princesses. Now, it's back to how it was before (albeit with added pain, regret, loss etc). And I'm so unhappy - as I was before.

Last night I was looking at the photos of Tamsin's flowers etc. And I came across a photo I'd not looked at properly before. It was one of three, that I'd taken from DH's phone ages ago. They were taken when he went abroad on holiday - alone - when DD1 was 4 months old. Two of them featured his face, and I thought it was possible they were taken by him. However, this other photo - the one I'd not seen before - was of his knee and shorts - but taken facing him. I asked him what the photo was, and he just got defensive and moody, but he still hasn't told me who took the photo (there were also photos of a table with two coffee cups, but he told me that they were both his as the cups were very small).

He also does a voluntary job on Tuesday mornings. I was never happy, when I found out that an ex fu*k buddy of his (before me), worked there too. She was in love with DH & even though he promised not to be alone with her, he's been to her house to constantly fix her computer, would bring home some laptop or other that belonged to a friend of hers (every week) to fix for free, then had her in our house alone, whilst I was uptown. He even suggested that she look after DD1 when I had Tamsin (before we found out she'd died).

He even made me change an antenatal appointment - as he couldn't miss his voluntary job (even though he could have changed days). The appointment was for the morning of the day that we discovered Tamsin had died - I've always wondered if she'd still been alive that morning - if her heart was still beating, if she could have been saved, and have been upset that DH decided that his voluntary job was more important.

DH saw his CPN last week, and his CPN told DH that he expected him to not go to voluntary job for some time, and DH agreed. Only yesterday DH said he wouldn't be going for a while.

Yet today I told DH i have a dental appointment next tuesday, and he got upset as he's decided to go back to his voluntary job.

I don't know why I'm so upset. I guess he has to move on. But I hate that he works with a woman who fancies him, who he used to shag, who happily comes over when I'm out & vice versa. I hate that despite me not being able to lift DD1 he still wants to leave me alone.

I hate that he's already getting over Tamsin, especially as he left an old job when his brother died, as he didn't want to work, couldn't face going out for months - and that was his brother, not someone he lived with - yet our baby died and he wants to go to work somewhere for free & get back to normal - it makes me think how insignificant Tamsin is, when he needed longer to get over his brother.

And then theres the anger. Last night he hit me - not hard and it was my fault, I wanted him to cuddle me, and got upset when he didn;t.

I just want to leave him

Karma, everyone's problems and worries are equally important. You are having a tough time and you are going to go through every emotion there is (I usually go through them all in the space of five minutes!) Like you, I have found that I resent others for carrying on with their lives when mine is at a standstill. I even resent my OH at times when he is laughing at something on the tv - I think 'why is he happy? He should be as devastated as me' But I know this is me working through my grief and at times like that I take the dogs down to the field and scream (trust me it helps!!!)
As for the hitting you situation - that is where you need some professional advice, both of you. Don't leave it or ignore it and hope it goes away. You have to do what is right for you both and seek some help.
Sending you love and hugs xxxx

Dear Karma - you are in massive shock. I am in shock just reading your heartbreaking news of Tamsin. Of course you would have done everything and anything to save her - of course you would, that is so completely clear - but no-one - not the hospital, not your DH, not even you - saw this coming.
All the whatifs and maybes will just make you feel a million times worse since none of us can turn back time. The idea your DH is cheating or that his DS didn't help is all part of the whatifs and maybes that you're driving yourself mad with. There is NO ONE to blame - not your DSS not your DH and certainly NOT YOU. Massive virtual hug - really feel for you. x

karma, I agree with NotJust It is never your fault if someone hits you, never!
And hitting someone who has recently had major surgery is particularly reprehensible. I really think you should cut your losses with this guy.

I'm sorry this is so hard for you, and agree with the above that it's never ok for your partner to hit you, and never your fault. I hope that as you can't get comfort and support from him there are others around you you feel you can talk to. Keep talking to us x

Karma just seen your post about Group B strep. Perhaps have a look here It may give you some more information.

To echo what others have said it is never okay for dh to hit you no matter what. It will be very difficult to try and deal with his fuckwittery on top of grieving for Tamsin. Concentrate on yourself and dd1 for now. If it escalates can you and dd1 go to your mums? Perhaps some tlc and understanding from her is what you need right now. Have you been offered any bereavement counselling at all? xx

karma, still thinking about you here. How are you doing?

Thanks chip xx

Whatever thanks for the link.

I feel slightly worse since the funeral, so flat, and with a horrible feeling of acceptance.

I am tortured with the thought of her poor little body, in that cold, hard ground. I worry about her being cold & dark - how bloody stupid is that? I can't help but feel, that as her mother, I should not be abandoning her to that. I want to dig her up, bring her home, and keep her safe and warm.

My community midwife brought me a beautiful present for Tamsin's grave. I had a talk with her about the strep b thing, and about the fluid levels - having forgotten that she'd not seen my notes since the last scan (the maternity ones were taken in hospital).

She said that she would have been very concerned with such a significant drop in the levels, and told me to ask the consultant if they would take someone in, in such a situation.

This has upset me more, as I looked at the levels and thought they were wrong - and I was right. Why, oh why didn't make more of a fuss? I'm upset that I never actually saw a consultant, just a quick chat with one of her understudies, and that was a very cursory, quick chat - they never even had us in a proper room, they just came in, asked about my bipolar, and never really seemed concerned when I questioned them about the pregnancy - I'm so upset that they even asked about my MH, when they were obstetrician, not psychiatrists.

I am angry with the sonographer, I didn't look at the levels till I got home, but she never wrote anything in the notes, nor (as far as I know), alert the Dr to the drop (and dropping from 75th centile to the 10th, should have set alarms ringing).... my midwife said they should have arranged to scan me the next week, as this was worrying - and they never did book another scan, so I now truly believe the no one actually looked at the scan results, which makes me so, so sad.

I was Tamsin's advocate, her mother, I should have demanded they do something, but I honestly did believe they'd looked

karma what dreadful treatment you received at that appointment. It isn't your fault so often parents are dismissed. My dd3 screamed constantly didn't sleep I was fobbed off for 4 months that it was "a touch of colic" it was silent reflus, for 4 months she suffered dreaful pain and I as her advocate failed her.

But I did they just wouldn't listen and fobbed me off it is so difficult to stand against the flow and scream and shout that you're concerned.

Big hugs please be kind to yourself x

Karma I can totally identify with the flat feeling after the funeral. I think the adrenaline starts to wear off once you know it's done Also I think your feelings about her grave are also perfectly normal, at least I hope so because I feel exactly the same! I went to Erin's place today and was stood there thinking how much i'd love to dig her out for another cuddle. Sadly we know we can't and that is what's so very hard. I worry about her all the time; Is she safe? Is she happy? Has she found someone lovely to take care of her? I think it's part and parcel of grieving for a baby. It goes against all of our instincts not to be able to take care of, cherish, worry about and nurture our precious little ones. Its so very very hard to bear I know. And you have so much other stuff to cope with as well.

Have the hospital been in contact to arrange a follow up meeting? It sounds as though there are definitely some questions to be answered. Did you know you can request a full copy of your maternity notes? Think you write to the PALS team at your hospital to request. There's a small admin fee of about £10 xx

karma I don't know what your religious beliefs are but I remind myself all the time that the little body buried in the ground is just a shell that Sylvie-Rose used while she was here and that she is having a wonderful time with my Dad and my Nana. Before we lost her, my religious beliefs were a little lacklustre. I was brought up Catholic but have trouble with a lot of the tenets of that faith. After she died, I did a lot of research on near-death experiences. I do feel that this isn't the end and that I will get to see her again and hopefully ( if I behave myself!) will get to spend eternity with her.
To me, the grave is a little garden to be kept nice in her honour.