'The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears' - bereaved parents thread.

[DawnOfTheDeementedDead]

'PLEASE SAY THEIR NAMES'

The time of concern is over. No longer are we asked how we're doing. Never are the names of our children mentioned to us. A curtain descends. The moment has passed. Life's slip from frequent recall. There are exceptions: close and compassionate friends, sensitive and loving family. Still look. Still ask. Still listen. Thank God for them. For most, the drama is over. The spotlight is off. Applause is silent.

But for us the play will never end. The effects on us are timeless. What can be said, you ask? Please say "their names" to us. Love does not die. Their names are written on our lives. You may feel that they are dead. We feel that they are of the dead and still they live. They ghost-walk our souls, beckoning in future welcome. You say, "They were our children"; we say "They are". Please say "their names" to us and say "their names" again. It hurts to bury their memory in silence. What they were in flesh is no longer with us. What they are in spirit stays within us always. They were of our past but they are part of our now. They are our hope for the future. Please understand we cannot forget. We would not if we could.

We know that you cannot know, yesterday we were like you. Understand that we dwell in both flesh and spirit. We do not ask you to walk this road. The ascent is steep and the burden heavy. We walk it not by choice. We would rather walk it with them in the flesh, looking not to spirit worlds beyond. We are what we have to be. What we have lost, you cannot feel. What we have gained you may not see. Please say " their names" for they are alive. We will meet them again, although in many ways we've never parted. Their spirits play light songs, appear in sunrises and sunsets. They are real and shadow, they were and they are.

Please say "their names" to us and say "their names" again.
They are our children and we love them as we always did.
More each day.

'PLEASE, SAY THEIR NAMES'

In memory of my darling forever-baby Ciaran. I loved you from the moment i saw those two pink lines, and i'll love you til i draw my last breath as a wizened old woman of 103. You taught me what it was to truly love, and although you could only stay such a short time, you made me a better person and my world a better place. I'm so glad to have known you.

It felt strange... I sat with it on my lap and it felt so cold...
made me cry as the only thing I could think of was I should be sitting here with a warm bundle of baby, not a cold stone.
I absolutely love it though and it's just perfect for my tiny little girl!

Whey hey!! Here's to fixed washing machines!!!

blue (hugs) it's all so unfair, I still think that all the time. I look at others babies that are what age she should be now and long for what should have been. This is all we can do for them now, cherish their memories and know they were loved as much as any baby/child xx

He's fiddling with it now dee so I hope he finds the fault. It was leaking but not hugely but I can't use it at all until it's sorted as it could end up flooding the kitchen knowing my luck!

hey sorry its taken me so long to come on and say hello. Beautiful new thread Dee - I've had a skim through and send my love to you all. I hope I can catch up properly soon!

Remembering my beautiful Anabelle, we love you to the moon and back, always. xxx

We finally came home yesterday. Exhausted, recovering very slowly from my emergancy section but so very happy. I've been very anaemic and unwell, Xander has had jaundice and slow to take to feeding so we were kept in for 5 days.

Xander is beautiful, the image of his sister. I still can't believe he is here and at home. We sobbed theatre down when he came out screaming. Short version is an awful induction with me reacting badly to drugs. Day 1 nothing happened, after 24 hours I was being treated for hyper stimulation and my labour stopped again with treatment to stop the contractions again (one was starting before other was finished, this went on for hours, dangerous for Xander, could've caused placental abruption). Next morning (Thurs) my waters were broken. Took 12 hours to get to 10cm, and then after 2+ hours pushing he wasn't coming through my pelvis. He wasn't distressed but I obviously was and exhausted and it was time to call it a day and to get him out! Labour recorded as 15 hours 13 minutes. De-brief was his position wasn't great and he was still high up and not moving any further down with each contraction, and his size....

So Alexander Jon arrived 14th Oct at 00:45, weighing a whopping 8lb 13oz (at 36+2!!!) His weight is all in his length though, he is quite skinny really but super long!! (Today he is down to 8lb 4 though, just had first midwife visit and weigh in)

Already had one moment of how dare you forget my daughter. Bloody MIL came to visit and said that DHs grandparents were so thrilled about their first g-granchild. (bearing in mind DHs grandparents never see him and he has no relationship with them, very sad, but a long family history there) and then went on to say that my parents must be so excited about their first grandchild. I was like yes, they are excited, about their SECOND grandchild. Their first was Belle.

FFS. Her own paternal grandmother forgotten her existence by the time Xander is 3 days old.

Hope everyone is well! xxx

Caz - its so wonderful to 'see you.' I had to sit on my hands and tape my mouth up the morning Xander was born Didn't want to be the one to put it on here. I have to confess to sending several private MN messages though He is the most beautiful baby I have seen for ages. Your labour sounds horrendous. I was exactly 3 weeks late having Tom...(and nearly 41 years old!!) and my labour was very quick but almost as horrendous.

As for in-laws My MIL used to tell everybody that I was mentally ill because I had pictures of the boys up and always put their named Christmas stockings up with the others. Hateful cow!!! All the in-laws used to talk behind my back and say it was time I was 'over it.'

Welcome to the world Xander. Great to have you back Caz xxxx

Oh Caz ((cwtches))

I know all your emotions must be so mixed now, and i'm so so glad to hear of Xander's safe, if traumatic arrival. Take no notice of anyone - Belle will always be your firstborn and Xanders big sister. No one can ever, every change that.

Enjoy him, sweetheart x

caz lovely that things are going well, I'm glad you're all home now :)

shabs Your mil sounds awful, what it is with people that they have to act that way? My mil also had the front to call me insensitive because I put something on FB about dh's brother not being "able" to come to Scarlett's funeral! This was only weeks after she had died and she said that. Makes me angry just thinking about it

xx

Oh he fixed the washing machine btw [hgrin] was something to do with the filter [hblush] thought I'd checked that... Now I'm off to do some baking

Oh congratulations Caz. Xander sounds just perfect. A gorgeous little brother for Belle. As for MIL some of them really do take the biscuit to put it politely. Good on you for putting them right. How are you recovering from the c-section?

Blue I saw Sterre's stone on fb. It really is beautiful but I can imagine how bittersweet it must be to have it.

Cheese sorry you're having such a stressful time. Make sure you are looking after yourself and taking it as easy as you can

Dee your words for Ciaran are so beautiful. Bought a tear to my eye.

I received a letter from the consultant today calling us in for the pm results next Tuesday morning. Completely freaked out about it as we'd been told it would likely be another 3-4 weeks when I rang on Monday.

Am also a bit as the appointment is with the paediatric consultant and not with the consultant obstretrician as we'd been told. I'm pleased because it is the consultant who worked on Erin so he knows first hand what happened at delivery but terrified that we've been called to paediatrics as he did explain at the time if it was a congenital defect they would bring Katie in for testing. Im now wondering if it is that and that's why the appt is with him. I really really don't think I could cope if there is anything wrong with Katie It's going to be a long 5 day wait. Scared

Oh love - is there any way that you can ring his secretary and ask if it involves K at all? Just to put your mind at rest?

Caz , so good to see you and your little Xander is so beautiful and healthy-looking!
I thought my MIL was insensitive but she's being given a run for her money on this thread!

I don't think MIL will forget Sylvie-Rose but her forte is trying to find someone to blame for her death. As in implying that we were not observant enough to notice that she wasn't well or saying that my Mum had said the discharge nurse at the hospital where Syvlie-Road died was surprised that she had been discharged ( The nurse did not say she was surprised!) Even when Sylvie-Rose was lying in the hospital with no hope of living, she stood over her bed and tried to suggest that it was me not noticing a change in her colour that had caused her death.

There had been no change in Sylvie-Rose's colour before she died, MIL had misunderstood something I said but even if you were thinking that, why would you say it? And implying that I had pushed to have her discharged when I was actually very apprehensive about taking her home.

I did try Dee but unsurprisingly they won't say anything over the phone. Will be an anxious wait

chip I'm absolutely fuming on your behalf that your MIL dare imply any fault on your part surrounding Sylvie-Rose's death. Still it never fails to astound me that the audacity of people and how some of us have been treated by the ones who are supposed to protect us the most. Love to you xxx

Caz welcome back! How are you doing after your first day/night at home?

whatever here to hold your hand! Can you take someone in with you to the appointment? Like a friend or family? It is good to have someone there who can also take in all the information. You will be overwhelmed by all the info you will get, little or a lot, and might not hear everything they say.

chip at your MIL!

DD1 loved Sterre's stone at sat on the sofa with it on her lap. She was going over the letters with her fingers and was recognising the letters that are also in her name.

Thanks Blue. Think we will ask my SIL to come with us as she will understand it all and know what, if any, questions need to be asked. Waiting for her to finish work so we can ask her if it is very unusual for the paediatrician to do the appt. Trying not to stress out about it as it may mean nothing.

Hope everyone is having a peaceful evening x

Oh and chip ignore ignore ignore any more stupid comments from your MIL. My MIL told me I was being oversensitive because I didnt want SIL to breastfeed her ds in front of me at the hospital the day after Erin died Honestly why are they so so....urgh I can't even think of the word!

Yunno, sometimes i despise MN. Obviously not this thread, but fuck, some people are judgemental twonks.

Egg donation thread Dee? I was just reading that. It started out fairly balanced and interesting but descended in to being hideously judgemental. Fwiw in your situation I would feel the same as you. And I think you did achieve your aim of opening people's eyes to egg donation. You okay though? xx

I only read the start of that thread, have to try and find it again. Hope you're ok though whatever happened x

WTW I hope you don't have to wait so many days to find out, it's bad enough as it is without that on your mind as well :(

chip I'm speechless, what is it about people and being so awful. It seems like so many families are bloody horrible after things like this happen, read it a lot on here. It bemuses me :( xx

Yes, that's the one. I'm alright. Was just feeling rather got at last night. I appreciate what people were saying, but DH and i made the decision many years ago that we wouldn't tell him. i mean - how many men live with a child who isn't biologically theirs, yet bring them up and love them?

Anyway, enough of my moany ranting. Hope everyone is as ok as they can be today x

Morning girls xx

Morning ladies. I'm a bit of a gatecrasher but Dee said it was ok

Ah it's fine love - gatecrash anytime

13 years today - it's such a huge milestone. It's no wonder you're feeling it more keenly this year than others.

Thinking of you, and both your beautiful girls today x

thanks folks.

there may be many outpourings of nonsense today just ignore me