'The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears' - bereaved parents thread.

[DawnOfTheDeementedDead]

'PLEASE SAY THEIR NAMES'

The time of concern is over. No longer are we asked how we're doing. Never are the names of our children mentioned to us. A curtain descends. The moment has passed. Life's slip from frequent recall. There are exceptions: close and compassionate friends, sensitive and loving family. Still look. Still ask. Still listen. Thank God for them. For most, the drama is over. The spotlight is off. Applause is silent.

But for us the play will never end. The effects on us are timeless. What can be said, you ask? Please say "their names" to us. Love does not die. Their names are written on our lives. You may feel that they are dead. We feel that they are of the dead and still they live. They ghost-walk our souls, beckoning in future welcome. You say, "They were our children"; we say "They are". Please say "their names" to us and say "their names" again. It hurts to bury their memory in silence. What they were in flesh is no longer with us. What they are in spirit stays within us always. They were of our past but they are part of our now. They are our hope for the future. Please understand we cannot forget. We would not if we could.

We know that you cannot know, yesterday we were like you. Understand that we dwell in both flesh and spirit. We do not ask you to walk this road. The ascent is steep and the burden heavy. We walk it not by choice. We would rather walk it with them in the flesh, looking not to spirit worlds beyond. We are what we have to be. What we have lost, you cannot feel. What we have gained you may not see. Please say " their names" for they are alive. We will meet them again, although in many ways we've never parted. Their spirits play light songs, appear in sunrises and sunsets. They are real and shadow, they were and they are.

Please say "their names" to us and say "their names" again.
They are our children and we love them as we always did.
More each day.

'PLEASE, SAY THEIR NAMES'

In memory of my darling forever-baby Ciaran. I loved you from the moment i saw those two pink lines, and i'll love you til i draw my last breath as a wizened old woman of 103. You taught me what it was to truly love, and although you could only stay such a short time, you made me a better person and my world a better place. I'm so glad to have known you.

Morning all. Off to hospital this morning for dh's consultant appointment, he's been really unwell over the weekend so I'm worried his platelet levels will have dropped again, we'll find out today. They take blood and then you wait until it's processed and they see you, it's a very busy clinic though. Leaving in about 45 mins, luckily my parents are having ds2 while we go which will make it a bit easier and less boring for him! Fingers crossed for good numbers. I'm so worried about him, he has to take about 5 different medications a day plus pain killers on top as he's always in a lot of pain and stress makes it worse. Plenty of that lately.

lavandes that does seem like a sign, how lovely. We went to visit Scarlett yesterday with 2 little ornaments, a small heart and a monkey with a baby. It was sad to see two new graves there with fresh flowers from the funerals :( Makes me think how unfair it all is.

WTW and dee we all ran late this morning! Woke at 8.30 even the children, which is unheard of. They're usually well up by 7. It was a rush to get them to school on time.

shabs would a help? :)

Mylittlebubble you can talk about Joseph here as much as you want to (hugs), I found that it really does help, it must still be so raw for you :(

xx

Thanks Cheese....just dont let me put it down on the floor and kick it over like I just did. Just sat looking at the coffee soaking into the carpet!!!! Is it nearly bedtime?

Hope your day has improved somewhat, Shabbs.

Ho did your DH get on, Cheese?

Having a challenging time with K at the moment. She seems to be tantrum ing at the slightest thing, not listening and generally being a pain in the bum 4 year old. I'm putting a lot of it down to starting school but am worried some of it is to do with losing Erin. My problem is I'm finding it hard to be too tough with her. Like I ought to just appreciate the fact she is here no matter what her behaviour is like.

Did anyone else find their 'parenting' (sorry cant think of the right word) of their older (or subsequent) children much harder after their loss? I just feel so conflicted. Sorry for the ramble it makes sense in my head!

Rang the hospital today to chase up pm results as it's been 7 weeks now but was told that the results for babies who had died 3 weeks before Erin still weren't back so I guess I need to put that to the back of my mind for now.

Cheese how did your dh get on today? How are you feeling?

Chip how are things with ds3 now?

xx

Evening. Got on much better today than I thought we would, very relieved at that. His platelets weren't low again, they were 170 so that's very good for him :o Glad that things went well for a change :)

I'm not feeling too bad thanks wtw, today has been a fairly good day. How are you doing? Ds2 is 4 also and I found it a lot harder after Scarlett died. Things are on more of an even keel now with them all though. I hope you get the results soon, it's hard just waiting xx

Remembering my darling boy Cole, forever 18 months old in our eyes. God how I miss you, how I wish to feel you in my arms just one more time. It's nearly four years since you had to leave us, life hasn't been the same since but we are trying our best.

Good news about your husband cheese.

Whatever - ds2 & 3 arrived after the death of C, so I have not been in the same situation as you, but I can feel terrible guilt when I am cross and angry with the boys for no real reason. I would do anything to have C back, yet here's me being a shouty cowbag with the boys ....... Of course that makes no logical sense whatsoever. But then emotions are never logical are they?

I would imagine losing Erin will affect K's behaviour. Kids are so much more attuned to atmospheres and emotions than most adults are. Shabs is good with sibling advice, I'm sure she'll be along soon. In the meantime, don't ignore K's bad behaviour, but maybe try to understand it? I hope that doesn't sound patronising, it isn't meant to be.

Shabs - I forgot to mention that I roared when you mentioned the collection boxes!

LOL thats what he used to call them!! He also used to say 'telt fips' (felt tips) and, my favourite, used to call Russ Abbot - Woss Baggott......

Whatever do you mean ds4? ( I have a lot of sons so people lose count!)
I think he would be fine if he didn't have a mother who burst into tears every time she meets a neighbour she hasn't seen since his sister's death! I feel at the moment that the boys think they have to look after me when it's my job to look after them. The two littlest keep telling me they love me and I feel guilty as hell because it does make me feel a little better but nothing fills the hole left in my heart by Sylvie-Rose. And I worry that they might sense that and think they're not as good as she was which is not the case at all, it's just that she's the one who's missing.

Oh chipmonkey (cwtches)

I don't know if i'm teaching granny to suck eggs, but can i reccomend a book called 'When Dinosaurs Die' by Laurie Kransy Brown. It's a book aimed at children aged about 2-10,and it deals with all aspects of death and dying. I've found it explains it all in ways children can really understand - they cover most aspects of death - they even mention that sometimes a baby thats just been born can die because they are too sick to make themselves better. I think perhaps it may be a good way of helping your boys understand a bit more of what you're going through, and why you're so sad. I think it's entirely normal for them to want to look after you - they see you so upset and want to make you better, but sadly nothing can, right at the moment. I think it's good for them to see emotion, and that it's nothing to be frightened or ahamed of.

When my DH died, DS2 was nearly four. For the longest time he was 'my big brave boy' and on occasion i admit, that i forgot he was still a baby really. It is hard stepping outside your own grief and helping others, but i know you're doing the best job you can at the moment, Chip, and no one can ask for more than that.

Anyways, good morning folks! Another very disturbed night here - ds3 slept theough, but DD woke at quarter to five... god help me when the clocks go back...

Morning girls xx

Morning ladies xx

Good morning all x

Morning all. Waiting for someone to look at the washing machine this morning as it's leaking, joy. Beautiful day, well it's sunny at least but freezing! I really feel the cold [hsmile]

Morning all! I am waiting for the arbour here to be delivered. It's going to be the first step to creating Sylvie-Rose's rose garden.
I felt guilty this morning as I would have like to visit her grave on the way back from dropping ds4 to Montessori but have to be here for them to deliver the arbour. Where I live they never give a proper time either so you have to stay in all day.

Good morning all!

Waw chip that looks lovely! Our memorial stone for Sterre will be shipped today and arrive tomorrow :) as soon as it's in I'll try to upload a picture!

I was a bit upset by my little sis last night. She had phoned me for advice at the weekend as her period was late and she was going on a spa weekend with friends. So I texted her yesterday to ask how it went and she said her period came. So I said ah that's typical. To which she replied that she was really sad and disappointed about it. I kept myself quiet but was silently thinking bloody hell, she's only been ttc for like 3 months... she doesn't even know what it feels like to be pregnant or even knows what it feels like to miss being pregnant or having a baby :( she is so naive and just doesn't know what some people in life have to go through.

brrr it's cold today... think I will have to go and dig out hats, scarfs and gloves soon!

Thanks for recommending that book Dee, I think I will order it. Ds2 asks lots of questions and we try to explain it best we can but he still doesn't quite get it.

Tinker bell - people just don't think. A group of us were talking about our children and one mum in particular is a bit of a worrier. We were all chatting away and we got onto talking about our children's health and development. One of the ladies who knows about C asked me if I worry about ds2 & 3 health. Inwardly I was doing this and thinking, what the fuck do you think? But of course I just nonchalantly shook my head. More fool me for not actually saying what I was thinking I suppose .....

I know, Blue. People don't have any idea, really, do they? And I think they don't realise that you don't exactly move on from losing a baby and that little things they say will still hurt, even if it's been a few months/years since your loss.
I have to say, I look at a lot of threads on here now and think "Why are they worrying about such trivial issues?" and think back on how I worried about Sylvie-Rose not breastfeeding and was upset about potential eye problems. And how with the boys, weaning and potty-training were a Big Deal. And now, all I want to do is keep them alive!

Meant to say, I think I will get that book too, Dee. It looks very good.

This is a good book as well Waterbugs & Dragonflies
Explains very nicely and easily about death to children.

I know Chip! It is so difficult sometimes! But I do love my sister dearly and I will always be there for advice for her. I'd love for her to get pregnant and have a baby, so I can be an auntie. But it just hurt so much that she got disappointed so easily... And secretly I hope I will be pregnant just before her... It would be nice to be pregnant together... :)

www.amazon.co.uk/Were-Gonna-Have-Angel-Instead/dp/0972424113/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1318934063&sr=8-1 I was sent that book by a lovely mumsnetter when Scarlett died, it was really helpful. The Waterbugs and dragonflies book was given to dd1 by the vicar that did Scarlett's service too, she was really nice and it helped dd1 who was 8 at the time.

oh yeah cheese we have that book as well! it is really good!

Ah, it seems you've encountered the DHAC's - The Don't Have A Clue's.

Whilst it's nice for them to remain in blissfull ignorance it's bloody hard on those of us who do know what it's like to lose a child and their inane questions make me want to slap them. repeatedly. Oh ignore me, i'm a sod who doesn't suffer fools easily. I think i'm getting bitter in my old age.

haha Dee thanks for making me smile