'The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears' - bereaved parents thread.

[DawnOfTheDeementedDead]

'PLEASE SAY THEIR NAMES'

The time of concern is over. No longer are we asked how we're doing. Never are the names of our children mentioned to us. A curtain descends. The moment has passed. Life's slip from frequent recall. There are exceptions: close and compassionate friends, sensitive and loving family. Still look. Still ask. Still listen. Thank God for them. For most, the drama is over. The spotlight is off. Applause is silent.

But for us the play will never end. The effects on us are timeless. What can be said, you ask? Please say "their names" to us. Love does not die. Their names are written on our lives. You may feel that they are dead. We feel that they are of the dead and still they live. They ghost-walk our souls, beckoning in future welcome. You say, "They were our children"; we say "They are". Please say "their names" to us and say "their names" again. It hurts to bury their memory in silence. What they were in flesh is no longer with us. What they are in spirit stays within us always. They were of our past but they are part of our now. They are our hope for the future. Please understand we cannot forget. We would not if we could.

We know that you cannot know, yesterday we were like you. Understand that we dwell in both flesh and spirit. We do not ask you to walk this road. The ascent is steep and the burden heavy. We walk it not by choice. We would rather walk it with them in the flesh, looking not to spirit worlds beyond. We are what we have to be. What we have lost, you cannot feel. What we have gained you may not see. Please say " their names" for they are alive. We will meet them again, although in many ways we've never parted. Their spirits play light songs, appear in sunrises and sunsets. They are real and shadow, they were and they are.

Please say "their names" to us and say "their names" again.
They are our children and we love them as we always did.
More each day.

'PLEASE, SAY THEIR NAMES'

In memory of my darling forever-baby Ciaran. I loved you from the moment i saw those two pink lines, and i'll love you til i draw my last breath as a wizened old woman of 103. You taught me what it was to truly love, and although you could only stay such a short time, you made me a better person and my world a better place. I'm so glad to have known you.

Oh Whatever! how awful that no-one acknowledged Erin. People can be so insensitive.

Thanks Chip. I just think no-one knew what to say so chose to say nothing. Ah well it's done now. Mulled for me tonight. How are you doing? x

whatever, that is horrible, I'm so sorry. to you. Before you go back again, can you write to someone there to say that you DO want your Erin to be acknowledged, and that it is ok to talk about her? I find that people will follow my lead that if I mention Mia (mainly because I can't help it), then they will talk about her with me.

FW I think you do what feels right. After all, anyone you welcome into your house will surely understand your reasons for whatever you decide. We kept my DH's birthday cards in the kitchen and Mia's sympathy cards in the living room as it didn't feel right to mix up the emotions from the two occasions.

We had Congratulations cards up for Sylvie-Rose's birth at the same time as Condolence cards for her death. I tend to leave cards up for ages anyway and couldn't bear to take the happy ones down to make way for the sad ones. I have put them all together in her memory box now. We won't get many Christmas cards this year, traditionally in Ireland you don't send or receive them in the year you have been bereaved.

chip I have been thinking about your dream of Sylvie-Rose today... I also had a weird experience this morning. I was driving the coutnry roads which Mia and I would take to go to gymboree, and I saw that the petrol gauge was flashing empty. Not on a hill at all, and so hoped I could reach a town without running out. I drove on, thinking of Mia, chatting to her about our little road adventures, and I made it to town - and looked down to see that the gauge was now nearly on a quarter tank. My immediate thought was that Mia had been looking after me... I then berated myself for such a silly thought, but it did make me happy. How very practical - not exactly a robin, a butterfly or a feather though. Mia didn't always follow the crowd...

shabba hoping that you will report in tomorrow to regale us of your birthday adventures!

Mias filling the petrol tank is the most useful spiritual gift I have heard of yet. Could you ask Mia to show Sylvie-Rose how to do that?

Much love to my dear friend shabs who has been a massive support to me over the past 20 months on her birthday, hope you are having some fun xx

Morning girls xx

Smashing night (I think) remember dancing with my friend and singing on top note to the Jackson 5

LOL that sounds like a plan Everlong.... We will see!!! Ewwww my friends bought me this kind of belt with about 20 shots on it....10 red and 10 blue.....there was only me who liked the taste of the red stuff......think there is every chance I could be violently sick very soon

Oooh Shabs sounds like a birthday to remember

you as ever an inspiration to us shabs

I have sorted stuff out here so the living room stair well etc are dedicated to our family xmas and my dining room is dedicated to my mum with flowers and cards... I am really pleased with the different areas

Hi, I've come over to join everyone.

Some of you have commented on my thread & I would have never got through the last weeks without you xx

For those who don't know, my second daughter was born sleeping, at 37 weeks, nearly 6 weeks ago, and finally, I realise that she's not coming back, and so (I hope you don't take offence) I reluctantly join all you lovely ladies in this saddest of threads xx

Sorry you had to find us Karma but lovely to see you here xx

FM sounds like you have come to a good compromise xx

We've just been and bought a real tree. First time we've had a real one since Katies been born and she is so excited She made the poor man show her about 12 trees before choosing but she has made a fine choice. Off to buy Erin's one now. We have found a perfect pink crystal Angel and have one for her tree and one for ours.

Welcome Karma.

Yes, I suppose, on first glance this is a sad thread....but it is also, at times, happy, crazy and funny. It is always inspirational, caring, understanding and loving. xx

hey karma.. glad you found us but sorry that you have to be here

one thing you will learn very quickly is that we just dont take offence on this thread.... so please dont feel you have to watch what you say..

I missed your original thread so do you mind if I ask what your dd is called and if you know yet why she was born asleep?

Today is going to be one the most bizarre days of my life I reckon. Tues is hubbys b/day which is the day after the funeral and he will be at work anyway so we have decided to "celebrate it" early. We are going out for a meal and then off to the ice hockey... i suspect when he says lets do this for my b/day he is thinking right sat night before the funeral lets get you out so you aint sitting here crying

So today I have put the xmas tree up, then we are going to pop in and see poor dad, go put Frasers xmas tree in his garden then go do b/day thing

So today's question is ... is there enough wine to get me through all the contrasts of the day ??????

I went to buy a star for my tree yesterday and ross saw real trees being bought for the first time.... me suspects it will be ross being demanding next year ..

thank you all for listening to my incoherent nonsense this week

Hey karma, glad you found us, especially as nobody let me on the PC last night so couldn't do the link.

Thank you all,

frasersmummy my daughter's name is Tamsin Rainbow, and we don't know why she died really, she did have a true knot in her cord, and it was wrapped round her neck, but consultant isn't sure that's the reason. I did test positive for lupus anticoagulant, which shocked me, as I have two other children, and thought lupus would have shown difficulties previously.

I'm also very sorry to hear about your mum xx forgive me, whilst I have dipped in and out of this thread (browsing wise) I haven't read it all thoroughly, so don't know how you lost your precious child xx

chip I read your of your dream about Sylvie-Rose's grave I had a dream about Tamsin's grave (think I may have put this on my thread, not sure). Not quite the same as mine was part of a nightmare, and there was a baby thrown under the hedge, horrible dream. I looked at your photos, and Sylvie-Rose had exactly the same hair as Tamsin had xx

I went to Tamsin's grave, and sadly there was a new little companion next to her, and sadly this baby had no name other than 'baby'. So sad. I watched two Red Kites flying over the cemetery, and (I know this is weird), felt slightly comforted by them. It's rare to see two, and the only other time I ever saw two, was when we were clearing out my grandparent's bungalow, after my nan died, in 2003. They circled over, and I was sure they embodied the spirit of my grandparents, so today feel they are looking after Tamsin - stupid eh? xx

I have thought of putting up a photo of Tamsin, but worry as she was macerated, and worry that people would think badly of her xx

Karma I am so sorry to hear about Tamsin, I love her name. My baby girl Zoe was born sleeping at 41 weeks in Feb this year. I had the exact same worries of displaying her photo too, Her phot is now proudly placed in a beautiful frame on my side board. If anyone does't like it, well it's their problem. I am proud of Zoe and want to show her off.

Sorry I haven't been posting much (I do still read though), I am really struggling with things recently. I am so anxious and crying at the drop of a hat, I hate that Zoe is not here to spend her first Christmas with us. I thought it was supposed to be easier? I seem to be drowning again. I can't do christmas, I attempted some xmas shopping during the week, it was awful. I broke down in ELC, seeing toys I would have bought for her. I just can't do this.

Oh Jane big hugs to you. Christmas is so hard isn't it. Sorry to hear you're struggling at the moment. How was the wedding?

Karma I had the same thought about Erin's photo. Her skin was okay as she was live born but her little lips were black. But like Jane I'm proud of her so have put the picture if her and Katie (one on my profile) up in the living room. Do whatever feels right for you.

Any spare bottles of going Chip

janedoe huge hugs xx I know how you feel, I'm very anxious too, and dreading Christmas - one thing that does help me is to know I'm not alone, though I do wish that none of us were joined in this way xx

Do you know why Zoe was born sleeping? xx

whatever the wedding was fantastic, Zoe had a very big infuence in the days proceedings. How are you?

Karma My placenta had failed. I went into hospital with reduced movements and they put me on the trace. Her heart beat was there but it was a bit slow, so it was decided to induce labour. I went up to delivery and by the time I was attached to the heart monitor again she was gone. She died in the space of 30 mins, it really pains me to think if they had gone straight for an emsc she would be here.

We are all here holding hands together to get through christmas xx

So sad to see another new face here :( a sad hello to you karma

My daughter Anabelle was born sleeping almost 18 months ago. I was 32 weeks pregnant, no movements and no hb was found at hospital. There had been reducing movements all the day, but a midwife appointment had found a hb so as by the time I was really concerned it was late and I made the decision to see how it was by the morning. Afterall the mw had said movements would be slowing down because she was running out of room now and I'd listened in before sleep and she was definitely there. I will never forgive myself for making the decision to wait till morning to be checked. She dies overnight. We don't know why.

I can scarcely believe it has been that long, or how on earth we survived/still survive the pain. Somehow you just do. I promise year 18 months from now you'll be surprised too about how far you've come. Tamsin is a really pretty name.

last christmas the build up was far worse than the actual day. december is so in your face isn't it. i'm hoping the build up will be the worst bit again this year because there are many aspects of december which are just as painful as last year; others are differernt. sigh I wish Belle was here.