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Bereavement

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'The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears' - bereaved parents thread.

993 replies

DawnOfTheDeementedDead · 16/10/2011 14:44

'PLEASE SAY THEIR NAMES'

The time of concern is over. No longer are we asked how we're doing. Never are the names of our children mentioned to us. A curtain descends. The moment has passed. Life's slip from frequent recall. There are exceptions: close and compassionate friends, sensitive and loving family. Still look. Still ask. Still listen. Thank God for them. For most, the drama is over. The spotlight is off. Applause is silent.

But for us the play will never end. The effects on us are timeless. What can be said, you ask? Please say "their names" to us. Love does not die. Their names are written on our lives. You may feel that they are dead. We feel that they are of the dead and still they live. They ghost-walk our souls, beckoning in future welcome. You say, "They were our children"; we say "They are". Please say "their names" to us and say "their names" again. It hurts to bury their memory in silence. What they were in flesh is no longer with us. What they are in spirit stays within us always. They were of our past but they are part of our now. They are our hope for the future. Please understand we cannot forget. We would not if we could.

We know that you cannot know, yesterday we were like you. Understand that we dwell in both flesh and spirit. We do not ask you to walk this road. The ascent is steep and the burden heavy. We walk it not by choice. We would rather walk it with them in the flesh, looking not to spirit worlds beyond. We are what we have to be. What we have lost, you cannot feel. What we have gained you may not see. Please say " their names" for they are alive. We will meet them again, although in many ways we've never parted. Their spirits play light songs, appear in sunrises and sunsets. They are real and shadow, they were and they are.

Please say "their names" to us and say "their names" again.
They are our children and we love them as we always did.
More each day.

'PLEASE, SAY THEIR NAMES'

In memory of my darling forever-baby Ciaran. I loved you from the moment i saw those two pink lines, and i'll love you til i draw my last breath as a wizened old woman of 103. You taught me what it was to truly love, and although you could only stay such a short time, you made me a better person and my world a better place. I'm so glad to have known you.

OP posts:
DawnOfTheDeementedDead · 20/10/2011 07:40

Outpour away.

We have wellies Wink

OP posts:
fluffythevampirestabber · 20/10/2011 07:43

Grin that actually made me lol

Bluetinkerbell · 20/10/2011 07:45

(they've been missing since we moved last year, will hopefully find them in a few weeks when we move house agai) Wink

Morning all! :)

4 months today since I gave birth to Sterre. How can time go that quick and it only seems like yesterday?

fluffythevampirestabber · 20/10/2011 07:47

blue - 13 years ago today for me and it seems like it was yesterday. I've had the delivery playing on a loop all morning in my head, and various bits from the pregnancy, it's weird as anything.

DawnOfTheDeementedDead · 20/10/2011 07:48

Time has a peculiar way of doing just that. It's over seven years since i had my boys, yet i close my eyes and it's like it was yesterday.

OP posts:
fluffythevampirestabber · 20/10/2011 07:50

I can't wait to pack DD2 off to school (DD1 just left for a hospital appointment the ex is taking her since I was supposed to be at uni today). Then I'm going to have a weep I think.

I know. I'm going to wail. Cry buckets. It won't be a little dignified sniff and weep it will be a full on wail.

Bluetinkerbell · 20/10/2011 07:51

hugs for you Fluffy

shabbapinkfrog · 20/10/2011 08:07

Will be my twin boys 30th birthday just after Christmas. Gareth died 29 years ago......you will need more than wellies on that day. Its the 'big' birthdays I think that are the worst......the 10th, 13th, 18th, 21st etc etc .....the day when it is so bittersweet....you love at your survivor and the longing to see your other child/children becomes overwhelming. I dont mean that other birthdays are not the same.....its just the birthdays that society make a big fuss about xx

fluffythevampirestabber · 20/10/2011 08:09

Shabba - that is it exactly. And I'm so sorry for everyone on this thread and the saddness that brings us together

shabbapinkfrog · 20/10/2011 08:11

I meant to say look not love - but I reckon love is good as well Smile

Whatevertheweather · 20/10/2011 08:57

This seems apt today. Hugs Fluffy xx

My Mum is a Survivor

My Mum is a survivor,
or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her crying at night
when all others are in bed.

I watch her lay awake at night
and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her
to help her understand.

But like the sands on the beach
that never wash away ...
I watch over my surviving Mum
who thinks of me each day.

She wears a smile for others ...
a smile of disguise!
But through Heaven's door
I see tears flowing from her eyes.

My Mum tries to cope with death;
To keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows
it is her way to survive.

As I watch over my surviving Mum
through Heaven's open door ...
I try to tell her that angels
protect me forevermore!

I know that doesn't help her,
or ease the burden she bears.
So, if you get a chance, go visit her.
Show her that you care.

For no matter what she says ...
no matter what she feels.
My surviving Mum has a broken heart
that time won't ever heal.

~Author~
Kaye Des'Ormeaux

CazandBelle · 20/10/2011 11:42

Pics of Xander over at cazandbelle.blogspot.com/2011/10/our-miracle.html

fluffythevampirestabber · 20/10/2011 11:47

He is absolutely gorgeous. Cheered me up no end Grin

Whatevertheweather · 20/10/2011 13:51

Oh my word Caz he is so beautiful xx

DawnOfTheDeementedDead · 20/10/2011 13:56
  • oh he's gorgeous!!
OP posts:
shabbapinkfrog · 20/10/2011 13:58

My grandson, Lew, has left a message for Xander on one of the pictures. He typed out (according to him) I want to come and see you Xander xxxxxxxxxx

He is very, very lovely xx

janedoe25 · 20/10/2011 14:20

caz Xander is so beautiful!

DawnOfTheDeementedDead · 20/10/2011 14:32

Just looked at the album on FB - oh he's so like Jon, especially in that first photo!

OP posts:
CheeseandGherkins · 20/10/2011 18:18

wtw that's a really lovely poem, very apt

fluffy sometimes a good cry is therapeutic (hugs)

shabs 30th birthday, wow, Christmas won't be an easy time for you will it (hugs) December is a crap month now for me, I used to adore Christmas and while I still like it I'm also very aware of all the dates we have for Scarlett :( Trying to make it better this year as last was awful. She died on dec 2nd, born on the 6th, was due on 23rd and we had her funeral on 29th. We have a few plans for her days and birthday though and also going to visit her on Christmas day.

It still shocks me now to think that she actually died, I mean to really think about it all.

Minione · 20/10/2011 18:39

Congratulations Caz, I'm so happy for you xx. I'm sitting here looking at my beautiful Ruairí and I know you'll be feeling exactly the same.

Hope everyone is ok, I just want to thank all you wonderful ladies who have been here for me. You are all fantastic, love to you all xxx

lavandes · 21/10/2011 07:01

Morning ladies xx

Huge congratulations caz what a beautiful baby boy, enjoy xxx

Someone posted this poem last year and I thought I would post it again for the new mums on here. I think it says it all.

ASK MY MUM HOW SHE IS

My Mum, she tells a lot of lies, she never did before,
From now until the day she dies, she'll tell a whole lot more.
She used to tell the truth a lot, but now it doesn't matter,
I died and went to heaven, now her life is all a-shatter?d.

Ask my Mum how she is, and she'll say "oh yes, I'm fine!"
She wants to beg, "Please help me, ?cause I?ve lost that boy of mine".
Ask my Mum how she is, and she'll say, "oh I'm alright",
If that's the truth then tell me please, why does she cry each night?

Ask my Mum how she is, ?cause she seems to cope so well,
She didn't have a choice, you see, nor yet the strength to yell.
You think you know the feeling, but in fact this cannot be,
For even though you loved me, it was not as much as she.

She?ll smile and she will tell you, "It's OK, God has a plan?
But then she?ll turn away and cry, ?cause she can't understand.
You tell a joke, she giggles, but in fact she?s not OK,
She wants to share the joke with me, but it won?t be today.

I watch her here in Heaven, her distress disturbs my peace,
Will someone please take care of her, and thus take care of me?
"Some day you will feel better", "Yes, I will, one day", she lies,
She knows this will not happen until the day she dies.

Ask my Mum how she is and she'll say, "I?m doing good",
She cannot tell you how she feels - oh, how I wish she could.
Ask my Mum how she is: "I'm ok, I'm fine, I'm coping.?
For God's sake, Mum! just tell the truth and say your heart is broken.

Ask my Mum how she is: she?ll reply "I'm well, and you??
I'll shake my head in Heaven, ?cause it simply isn't true.
She'll love me all her life, just like I loved her all of mine,
She'll lie and try to hide the pain, pretending that she's fine.

Her carnival is over, she's stepped off the carousel,
But to save you feeling bad she'll say, "Yes thankyou, all is well".
My Mum, she's not gone mad quite yet, but oh, so very nearly,
Don't ask her how she's doing; ask her how she?s doing ...really.

I?m watching her from Heaven, and I cannot hug from here,
If she lies to you, don't listen, but please hug her, hold her near.
On the day we meet for ever we shall smile and I'll be bold:
"You're lucky to get in here, Mum, with all the lies you've
told.

I have not yet found the courage to show it to some of our family who should read it.xx

shabbapinkfrog · 21/10/2011 07:22

Morning girls xx

The line that says it all in that poem is 'her carnival is over, she's stepped off the carousel'

lavandes · 21/10/2011 07:27

So true Shabs also how often do we say "I'm fine" when we should say "If you want the truth I'm a mess" xx

Whatevertheweather · 21/10/2011 07:28

Oh Lavandes - what a poem! Sums it up really Sad

Can't believe Katie has completed her first half term at school after today! Must admit I'm so looking forward to having her at home next week Smile.

janedoe25 · 21/10/2011 07:31

lavandes I have that poem and I am too scared to show family as well. We are all great masters of disguise.

Hope everyone has a good day.

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