'The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears' - bereaved parents thread.

[DawnOfTheDeementedDead]

'PLEASE SAY THEIR NAMES'

The time of concern is over. No longer are we asked how we're doing. Never are the names of our children mentioned to us. A curtain descends. The moment has passed. Life's slip from frequent recall. There are exceptions: close and compassionate friends, sensitive and loving family. Still look. Still ask. Still listen. Thank God for them. For most, the drama is over. The spotlight is off. Applause is silent.

But for us the play will never end. The effects on us are timeless. What can be said, you ask? Please say "their names" to us. Love does not die. Their names are written on our lives. You may feel that they are dead. We feel that they are of the dead and still they live. They ghost-walk our souls, beckoning in future welcome. You say, "They were our children"; we say "They are". Please say "their names" to us and say "their names" again. It hurts to bury their memory in silence. What they were in flesh is no longer with us. What they are in spirit stays within us always. They were of our past but they are part of our now. They are our hope for the future. Please understand we cannot forget. We would not if we could.

We know that you cannot know, yesterday we were like you. Understand that we dwell in both flesh and spirit. We do not ask you to walk this road. The ascent is steep and the burden heavy. We walk it not by choice. We would rather walk it with them in the flesh, looking not to spirit worlds beyond. We are what we have to be. What we have lost, you cannot feel. What we have gained you may not see. Please say " their names" for they are alive. We will meet them again, although in many ways we've never parted. Their spirits play light songs, appear in sunrises and sunsets. They are real and shadow, they were and they are.

Please say "their names" to us and say "their names" again.
They are our children and we love them as we always did.
More each day.

'PLEASE, SAY THEIR NAMES'

In memory of my darling forever-baby Ciaran. I loved you from the moment i saw those two pink lines, and i'll love you til i draw my last breath as a wizened old woman of 103. You taught me what it was to truly love, and although you could only stay such a short time, you made me a better person and my world a better place. I'm so glad to have known you.

Morning girls xx

Well, I now have the perfect solution to 'what do I do for Xmas.' Provided by my 3year old grandson!!!!

'Andma, why you not got more decorations up?'

'I just feel sad Lew that Uncle Matt and Uncle Gaz are not here'

' Why sad....they are always here and they will be very cross if you dont finish putting up the decorations.'

'I just want them to be here properly.'

' Well they cant cause they are with Jesus but they can still see you and they can still be cross with you....come on and stop being soft - Im putting them up then'

So, out of the mouth of babes, comes the solution to all our worries

Remember I mentioned a few weeks ago that The Compassionate Friends' have a night where they light a candle?

It is tonight at 7pm. The poster says 'Light a candle for all children who have died. Worldwide candle lighting. 'That their light may always shine.' 7pm around the globe.'

Thanks to Mrs Devere (thats probably not her MN nickname anymore!!) for reminding me on Facebook.

Its a brilliant idea.....candles will be lit in millions of homes tonight to honour our precious children xx

Ah Shabs thank you for the reminder. My mum has just bought me a gorgeous christmas Yankee candle so that will be lit at 7pm. Bless Lew. Wise before his years and just what you needed. Put ours up yesterday and took Erin her tree today. Wept buckets. She should be 3 months old and marvelling at the twinkly lights.

This is so not our year. Just heard my lovely auntie has been diagnosed with cervical cancer It's my cousins mum who lost his baby at 20 weeks just after Erin. How much pain can one family take.

Our new thread

It was my second attempt got it wrong first time and have reported it to Mumsnet to ask them to remove it....OMG I am thick sometimes!!

Many, many thanks to Deemented for this thread. I hope that 2012 is a wonderful year for you my friend. Thank you for the love, support and understanding you have shown to me since we first 'met' here xxxx

A thread that has seen far too many join us, but a safe haven for us all. Thank you dee and I too wish you a big pile of happiness for 2012. xx

Thank you cazBX, sorry for the loss of Annabelle xx

I'm really, really upset at the moment. Having a dad anyway (had a rant about it on my thread), then the insensitive comments of others have just made it much, much worse.

My mum bumped into a friend of hers. My mum explained that she'd not gone out much recently, and why. This friend then said "oh I've had a miscarriage", my mum then said it wasn't a miscarriage, to which her friend that it was more like a miscarriage than a "real baby dying".

I'm bereft at this - I'll be perfectly honest with you, the next person who says this to me (and I had it straight after, and was too fuzzy to think), will get a slap - and I'm the least aggressive, most unassertive person you could meet - honestly I have 'doormat' tatooed on my forehead.

But I will very likely go to slap them, it won't hurt anywhere near as much as their pathetic comment will wound me, nowhere near as much.

I know that miscarriages are painful, and hurt the person who experiences them (I had several before DS, which now makes me wonder if lupus was responisble), and they still experience the pain of their loss, their hopes, etc.

But it's not the same as actually giving birth to your child. It's not the same as nearly dying giving birth. It's not the same for another important reason - my baby was viable, a miscarriage is not.

Maybe I'm in the wrong, but I feel the my loss has been diminshed, that Tamsin is thought of by people like her, as no more than a bunch of cells, when the truth is if she'd been born the day before she died, she'd have lived, she'd be here now.

A friend of mine had a very, very premature baby. It lived for minutes (it was about 23 weeks). Yet her loss her very real loss, is accepted as she had a 'real' baby. Her poor, poor DD weighed less than a pound, Tamsin was a normal weight for a newborn. Whilst my pain is no more than my friends, it is also no less... Tamsin was a real baby, and I'm sick, sick to death of other women telling me they too had a miscarriage, when I was so, so close to bringing my baby home, and did indeed get to dress her in clothes I bought.

I would be bereft too karma people are so insensitive, hurtful and just have no clue. They don't even try half the time. How very dare she say Tamsin was not a real baby? knocking her block off is the only way to go. Unfortunately you will come against sheer nasty and ridiculous comments like that along the way; until you've walked a mile in our shoes many people cannot even attempt to understand.

I've been lucky, my friends are wonderful and have always allowed me to be open and honest and are comfortable with me talking about Belle. Surround yourself with people like that; pull away from anyone who causes you pain. I'm all for self-preservation xx

Also go look at my blog. cazandbelle.blogspot.com I've documented my journey, I hope it helps; there have been some very dark times, but we've also learnt to smile again. Our world, our families will always be a 'bit mixed up'

come across to the new thread lovely

cazBX Annabelle is beautiful, and so is Alexander, he looks just like his sister. Tamsin looked a lot like hers, excetp Tamsin had thick, black hair.

I was wondering about Christmas cards, having decided myself not to bother this year (and I'm not, hope those who send them understand).

Your idea about Annabelle's stamp, has given me an idea for the future (as I'd not even thought about the idea of Tamsin being dead, I was going to put 'Angel Tamsin', but now I will include a rainbow.

Tamsin's middle name is Rainbow, due to a beautiful rainbow, in the black sky, hours after we learned of her death, and therefore tributes to her have been easy (her main funeral flowers, were in the shape, and colours of a rainbow, with a ribbon with 'Tamsin' on.

So in future cards will have our names, and a rainbow drawn in them, thanks for the inspiration xx

Thanks :) he does look like her a lot. I so often watch him sleep and just see Belle. all so bittersweet.

we didnt send cards last year, I just couldnt do it. This year the only reason I'm sending them is because I now have her stamp. if people dont understand they are not worth knowing xx

The rainbow for yours is a lovely idea, what a fab middle name too!

Thanks for this thread dee, I wish you, your children
and your lovely manshapes all you would wish yourselves for the coming year xxx

I think I've now had the most insensitive comment ever, have been shaking and crying all night - my own fault really, but I've never actually physically shaked, so much I felt dizzy, and felt sick, and was so, so angry.

What was said Karma? Some people really don't have a clue xx

My boy was born at 25 weeks, 3 days. He did great for 5 days but then had a sudden catastrophic brain bleed and died in our arms. He died on the 30 September. I cannot bear having empty arms.

AMAW I'm so sorry to hear about your darling boy. We have a new thread now as this one is nearly full. I can't do links as I'm on my phone but if you look in bereavement topic for a thread named Christmas Hope we are all there and you would be so welcome to come and tell us all about your son xx

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/1361434-Christmas-hope-our-safe-haven-thread-for-bereaved-parents

Here is the link to the thread AMAW xx

first time poster in this topic and thread.

i lost my DS 18 years ago. I know its a long time and some people think the heart heals over time ( i know none of you will.) it does not.
today would have been his 23rd birthday. he was born on the my wedding anniversary to his df to whom i am sadly estranged.

i went to his grave today with DD to put flowers down and light his lantern and i was just inconsolable - every birthday is so hard. i go to the grave daily and today was the first time that i have not been able to stop crying like this in months.

the last words David said were i love you mummy. that makes today so much more emotional. He was and will always be an angel in my heart.

i know my post is long but i have been able to get things of my chest that i have been bottling up for such a long time.