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Original poster

'The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears' - bereaved parents thread.

993 replies

DawnOfTheDeementedDead · 16/10/2011 14:44

'PLEASE SAY THEIR NAMES'

The time of concern is over. No longer are we asked how we're doing. Never are the names of our children mentioned to us. A curtain descends. The moment has passed. Life's slip from frequent recall. There are exceptions: close and compassionate friends, sensitive and loving family. Still look. Still ask. Still listen. Thank God for them. For most, the drama is over. The spotlight is off. Applause is silent.

But for us the play will never end. The effects on us are timeless. What can be said, you ask? Please say "their names" to us. Love does not die. Their names are written on our lives. You may feel that they are dead. We feel that they are of the dead and still they live. They ghost-walk our souls, beckoning in future welcome. You say, "They were our children"; we say "They are". Please say "their names" to us and say "their names" again. It hurts to bury their memory in silence. What they were in flesh is no longer with us. What they are in spirit stays within us always. They were of our past but they are part of our now. They are our hope for the future. Please understand we cannot forget. We would not if we could.

We know that you cannot know, yesterday we were like you. Understand that we dwell in both flesh and spirit. We do not ask you to walk this road. The ascent is steep and the burden heavy. We walk it not by choice. We would rather walk it with them in the flesh, looking not to spirit worlds beyond. We are what we have to be. What we have lost, you cannot feel. What we have gained you may not see. Please say " their names" for they are alive. We will meet them again, although in many ways we've never parted. Their spirits play light songs, appear in sunrises and sunsets. They are real and shadow, they were and they are.

Please say "their names" to us and say "their names" again.
They are our children and we love them as we always did.
More each day.

'PLEASE, SAY THEIR NAMES'

In memory of my darling forever-baby Ciaran. I loved you from the moment i saw those two pink lines, and i'll love you til i draw my last breath as a wizened old woman of 103. You taught me what it was to truly love, and although you could only stay such a short time, you made me a better person and my world a better place. I'm so glad to have known you.

OP posts:
chipmonkey · 08/12/2011 16:04

fm, isn't it awful when people are raising eyebrows at each other to "warn" them not to say the wrong thing. And hairdressers have to do small talk whether they like it or not, I suppose.

travellingwilbury · 08/12/2011 16:36

I have decided I am not going back to work until after monday , I just can't do it .

I am now trying to sort out my boys rooms , quite frankly a skip and a credit card to start again would be bloody easier .

Big hugs to everyone , what a crappy time of year this is .

Whatevertheweather · 08/12/2011 19:47

TW glad you decided to stay off. I think you are right not to go to work and just take a few days out. The world will wait xx

FM just hugs because it must be so hard xx

Finding the Christmas run up very tough. Outwardly I am coping beautifully and am uber organised. Inwardly, frankly, it's a shambles.

Am going to work for the day tomorrow for a 2012 strategy meeting (dull) am stupidly nervous about it. Especially as I was supposed to miss most of 2012. Am wishing I hadn't said I'd go back in January now. It all feels like too much and that all my spare focus and energy is going on keeping everything going at home for K and dp. There's nothing left over for a f/t job at the moment. But it will have been 4 months by January so feel like I ought to go back.

travellingwilbury · 08/12/2011 19:58

WTW Can you speak to someone about delaying your date to start back ? You are well within your rights to , and like you say the world will wait .
I started a new job within two months of Harry dying and in a lot of ways it was good but I didn't have any other children to think about so when I finished work I didn't then have to pretend to anyone else . Be kind to yourself , you will find it harder to take time off once you are back , but if you just extend your time now it will be easier xx

Whatevertheweather · 08/12/2011 20:08

I stupidly came off maternity leave 1st Dec TW so I'm now on annual leave until first week of Jan using the 20 days I had saved up. The only way to not go back in Jan would be to get signed off sick. What a stupid mess. What with Erin, Katie, Christmas, work, mri/ct scans looming it all feels like too much.

Bluetinkerbell · 08/12/2011 20:12

wtw hugs for you, love! why don't you ask your doc for a few days of around your mri/ct scan?

we're moving house Saturday, surrounded by boxes and bags! Extremely stressful!

travellingwilbury · 08/12/2011 20:15

Get signed off sick then , honestly if you don't want to go back then don't . It will all still be there when you can be arsed to go back . Do not feel guilty , they wouldn't x The person that will look after you the best is you , don't let yourself down x

blue Good luck with the house move , how are you feeling about it ?

Bluetinkerbell · 08/12/2011 20:25

Looking forward to it tw nice new house! :)
I had 2 nice canvasses made, one with DD1 and one of DD2's name written in the sand, they're going to have a lovely spot in my new living room.

travellingwilbury · 08/12/2011 20:27

That sounds lovely , just in time for christmas , have you a place for the tree yet ?

Bluetinkerbell · 08/12/2011 20:39

We haven't seen the house since we've had the viewing, but I'm sure we'll find a space for the tree... We bought an artificial one, as we are actually away for Christmas and our cat will be at home and don't want to come back to a needle-less tree Wink

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 08/12/2011 23:49

wtw do take longer if that feels right. Sometimes, even with the best intent, you can't do everything. I agree with tw, the world will wait. (Btw, tw hope you have an easier weekend.)

blue hope the house move goes smoothly.

frasersmummy and shabba I find the hairdressers very tough too. Apparently, it is one of the happiest professions because they interact, and make people feel good about themselves. Sometimes though, that chattiness isn't quite on the mark. I also can't go back to the local nail place. Although I'd only go occasionally, the lady would always remember Mia, and is sure to ask me about her. Can't do it.

chipmonkey · 09/12/2011 00:53

It's past midnight so HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SHABBA!!!!!

shabbapinkfrog · 09/12/2011 06:16

Morning girls xx

Grin Fifty bloody Five - sure its only last year when I was 17 xx

deemented · 09/12/2011 06:20

Happy birthday Shabbs - hope you have a wonderful day with cake and presents and lots of nice things. Love you, missus x

shabbapinkfrog · 09/12/2011 06:32

Aw thank you Dee....you're not so bad yourself Smile xxxxx

Happy 54th birthday to Donny Osmond as well....Grin

travellingwilbury · 09/12/2011 07:20

Happy Birthday Shabs Grin

Grab it by the balls today and give it a good shake .

Have a fab day , 55 indeed ! How the buggery did that happen ?

Whatevertheweather · 09/12/2011 07:35

Happy Birthday Shabs! Hope you have a suitably fabulous day planned xxx

shabbapinkfrog · 09/12/2011 08:49
MiaAlexandrasmummy · 09/12/2011 09:28

Go Shabba! Have a wonderful birthday.

frasersmummy · 09/12/2011 09:40

happy birthday shabs.. have a great day.. bet you still feel about 27!!

Right its time to get my xmas decorations up and Ross aint gonna stop narking till I do
I CANNOT look at my fireplace with santas and sympathy cards .. its too bloody hard

so the question my dear friends is .....would it be really wrong and disrespectful to take my sympathy cards down before the funeral.. I am thinking I might just put them somewhere safe ... opinions wanted

travellingwilbury · 09/12/2011 11:30

fm not disrespectful at all , when Harry died I didn't put any up at all , they all just went in a big pile to be dealt with later .

I think I know what your mum would rather see on the fireplace xx

hazygirl · 09/12/2011 11:53

happy birthday shabxxhope you get spoilt rottenxxxx nobody deserves it more than uxxxx

chipmonkey · 09/12/2011 12:23

Such a strange dream last night. I dreamt I was standing where Sylvie-Rose's grave is but her grave wasn't there, just undisturbed green grass. If only.......

lavandes · 09/12/2011 13:55

Hi ladies xx

Happy Birthday shabs hope you have a good day and get spoilt, you soooo deserve it. xx

I don't think it is disrespectful to take the sympathy cards down fm, you must do what is best for you and your family. I didn't put the cards up at all, I put them in a pile on the coffee table for anyone to look at if they wished. I I did this when my Mum died aswell. xx

Whatevertheweather · 09/12/2011 14:36

Not disrespectful at all fm

So I went to work and it was horrible Sad Hardly anyone spoke to me and no-one acknowledged what had happened at all. I felt like the elephant in the room. Burst in to tears as I was leaving which was highly embarrassing. I think it was the shock of being surrounded by people who (understandably) have no reason to care about Erin.