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Bereavement

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Original poster

'The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears' - bereaved parents thread.

993 replies

DawnOfTheDeementedDead · 16/10/2011 14:44

'PLEASE SAY THEIR NAMES'

The time of concern is over. No longer are we asked how we're doing. Never are the names of our children mentioned to us. A curtain descends. The moment has passed. Life's slip from frequent recall. There are exceptions: close and compassionate friends, sensitive and loving family. Still look. Still ask. Still listen. Thank God for them. For most, the drama is over. The spotlight is off. Applause is silent.

But for us the play will never end. The effects on us are timeless. What can be said, you ask? Please say "their names" to us. Love does not die. Their names are written on our lives. You may feel that they are dead. We feel that they are of the dead and still they live. They ghost-walk our souls, beckoning in future welcome. You say, "They were our children"; we say "They are". Please say "their names" to us and say "their names" again. It hurts to bury their memory in silence. What they were in flesh is no longer with us. What they are in spirit stays within us always. They were of our past but they are part of our now. They are our hope for the future. Please understand we cannot forget. We would not if we could.

We know that you cannot know, yesterday we were like you. Understand that we dwell in both flesh and spirit. We do not ask you to walk this road. The ascent is steep and the burden heavy. We walk it not by choice. We would rather walk it with them in the flesh, looking not to spirit worlds beyond. We are what we have to be. What we have lost, you cannot feel. What we have gained you may not see. Please say " their names" for they are alive. We will meet them again, although in many ways we've never parted. Their spirits play light songs, appear in sunrises and sunsets. They are real and shadow, they were and they are.

Please say "their names" to us and say "their names" again.
They are our children and we love them as we always did.
More each day.

'PLEASE, SAY THEIR NAMES'

In memory of my darling forever-baby Ciaran. I loved you from the moment i saw those two pink lines, and i'll love you til i draw my last breath as a wizened old woman of 103. You taught me what it was to truly love, and although you could only stay such a short time, you made me a better person and my world a better place. I'm so glad to have known you.

OP posts:
chipmonkey · 04/12/2011 18:58

frasers, just realised I didn't see your last post before posting mine. So sorry your Mum is so ill.

The day I went on was an information day and I had been told by the social worker that dh and I would not be expected to say anything if we didn't want to.

But on the way there, dh read the blurb and noticed that there were "Group Discussions" and went a bit mad with me as he is not great for Talking About Feelings in front of other people. I was relieved when the Bereavement Social worker re-iterated in front of all of us that we could stay quiet if we wanted. In the end he did manage to say a couple of things.

It was a tough day. All of us got a little weepy at some stage, not all at the same time! There was a lecture at the start and the chap played "Cavalera Rusticana" and put up some lovely pictures and of course the music had a profound effect on a few of us. I was bad enough with music even before Sylvie-Rose died ( Two Little Boys, anyone?) but since she died, there are many, many more songs/pieces of music that set me off.

There were also some long-term bereaved parents there for support who were wonderful. They said things like that you should avoid "what-ifs" as they arent' helpful. One couple had lost their little boy in a drowning accident on holiday and the Dad said they had beaten themselves up about it, as on the way there, the little boy had been sick and rather than go home, they continued on and they felt that had they just gone home, he would have lived. But speculation like that is not helpful.

I suppose it's good to know we're not alone on the crappy path!

btw, I'm in Ireland so am not familiar with bereavement groups in the UK. This group is attached to the hospital where Sylvie-Rose died.

shabbapinkfrog · 04/12/2011 20:14

Oh FM Sad I wish, with all my heart, I lived closer to you. I wish I could help. I dread the day when I am in your situation. If I can do anything at all to help please shout loud and I will do my best for you. Thinking about you tonight as always xxxx

Whatevertheweather · 04/12/2011 20:16

Oh FM can't imagine how hard it must be for you, DM and DF. Sending you hugs and strength xx

Whatevertheweather · 04/12/2011 21:52

Feel like I've been hit with a sledgehammer tonight. Feel lower than I have for a long time. So many newborn and pregnancy announcements. It should have been so different for all of us. I just want to hold her one more time Sad

Everlong · 04/12/2011 22:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bluetinkerbell · 04/12/2011 22:36

wtw ((hugs)) for you! x
It is getting very near to my friend's due date, I can cope with it at the moment, but don't know how I will react when the baby will be born...

shabbapinkfrog · 05/12/2011 06:48

Morning girls xx

LottieJenkins · 05/12/2011 07:15

Morning Shabs xx I hope that the tears and snotty nose have cleared up now?? Xmas Wink

travellingwilbury · 05/12/2011 07:30

Morning all x

fm I am so sorry your mum is so poorly , how is she today ? I have been keeping my fingers crossed for her .

shabbapinkfrog · 05/12/2011 07:33

Smile much better now - thanks Lottie. Not watching Secret millionaire again!!

FM hope your Mum is OK. xxx

Bluetinkerbell · 05/12/2011 09:50

FM how is your mum this morning? x

CheeseandGherkins · 05/12/2011 14:51

FM hope your mum is ok today, must be so worrying and draining for you :( xx

Whatever (hugs), some days just hit you out of nowehere :( how are you feeling today?

chip glad you found the group meeting helpful. I definitely agree that the what ifs are really not good, I've gone through lots of those myself and there is nothing any of us can do differently so it's pointless and does make you feel worse. How are you doing today?

Mia that's sad :( It's true that there is so much sadness in people, more than we realise at first I think.

I've been doing ok, I've surprised myself actually. Am I odd to feel ok at the moment? I expected to feel awful now but I don't, feel a bit guilty about that too. Scarlett has been on my mind constantly but I'm coping. We picked up some flowers this morning to take to her tomorrow for her birthday, along with some balloons and then chose a cake for us to celebrate with in the evening. I feel like I should feel worse but I don't. Is it normal??!

Whatevertheweather · 05/12/2011 15:44

Thank you Blue, Everlong and Cheese. Woke up feeling brighter today. Grief is a strange thing.

Cheese I'm glad you are not feeling too bad. Our minds are so very complex. Please don't feel guilty for feeling okay. I'm sure Scarlett will be looking down and be so proud of you and the lovely plan you have for her special day tomorrow xx

CazBX · 05/12/2011 17:21

Struggling with lots of mixed up emotions at the tonight. My head hurts and since we decorated Belle's garden yesterday I've been constantly on the edge of tears. I feel so guilty enjoying X so much when I miss and hurt for B so much.

Feeling a lot lower right now than I have for a long time.

I think I hate December.

chipmonkey · 05/12/2011 17:41

Caz >>

December is a bitch! I have four other dc's so Christmas should still be worth looking forward to but I really wish it would just go away. All the cute little girls on the Christmas ads, all the chirpy songs and I know there should be five bundles under the Christmas tree, not four. I will probably get Sylvie-Rose something to put on her grave but it's not the same.Sad

FM how is your Mum?

dairyhog · 05/12/2011 18:13

Good evening. Please forgive my intrusion on your thread, but I wonder if I could have a bit of advice.

I have just heard from a good friend that her little nephew died a few days ago. She was incredibly close to him and is devastated not only for herself, but also her DSis and DBiL. I remember seeing on one of your threads a link to a document/website that was almost like a guideline for people when talking to bereaved parents. Something along the lines of the things that people could say and do that would help those who are grieving, or at least not exacerbate the grief. Does anybody remember that and, if so, would it be possible to post a link?

I remember thinking it seemed very compassionate and helpful and I thought I could let my friend have a copy to pass to her family, or other people, if she felt it was appropriate. From reading different threads I get the impression that bereaved parents often suffer from the misguided or ignorant words and actions of other people on top of their huge burden of grief. Maybe it could be eased a little if other people were more thoughtful and aware.

Thank you and I hope you don't mind me posting.

Everlong · 05/12/2011 18:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

frasersmummy · 05/12/2011 19:55

mum passed away this morning ..

Everlong · 05/12/2011 20:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whatevertheweather · 05/12/2011 20:03

Oh FM I'm so so sorry. Words aren't enough. Is there anything we can do for you? Oh you poor love. Hugs for you and your DF xxxx

shabbapinkfrog · 05/12/2011 20:03

Oh FM I am so, so sorry. I don't know what to say to you. Just sat here looking at the screen and wondering what I can say to help. Sending my love and thoughts to all of you. So very sorry xxxxxxxxx

Whatevertheweather · 05/12/2011 20:06

Dairyhog I'm sorry for your friends loss Sad

this might help

and this

xx

hazygirl · 05/12/2011 20:19

fm,im so sorry, thinking of you xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 05/12/2011 20:45

dear FM, please know that there are lots of us here thinking of your mum, and hurting with you and your family. I am so sad for you.

Caz, chip, and everlong Christmas is officially off in our house. All welcome. No-one has to be pretend to be brave. Lots of self-indulgent eating and drinking, and plenty of remembering. Will throw in tears and smiles for free.

cheese go with the good feelings, no guilt.

This world is such a strange and incomprehensible place...

chipmonkey · 05/12/2011 21:27

Fm darling I am so sorry. Sad Losing a parent is like having a rug pulled from under you. They have always been there, then suddenly they're gone. She can give Fraser a nice big cuddle for you, though.