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Original poster

'The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears' - bereaved parents thread.

993 replies

DawnOfTheDeementedDead · 16/10/2011 14:44

'PLEASE SAY THEIR NAMES'

The time of concern is over. No longer are we asked how we're doing. Never are the names of our children mentioned to us. A curtain descends. The moment has passed. Life's slip from frequent recall. There are exceptions: close and compassionate friends, sensitive and loving family. Still look. Still ask. Still listen. Thank God for them. For most, the drama is over. The spotlight is off. Applause is silent.

But for us the play will never end. The effects on us are timeless. What can be said, you ask? Please say "their names" to us. Love does not die. Their names are written on our lives. You may feel that they are dead. We feel that they are of the dead and still they live. They ghost-walk our souls, beckoning in future welcome. You say, "They were our children"; we say "They are". Please say "their names" to us and say "their names" again. It hurts to bury their memory in silence. What they were in flesh is no longer with us. What they are in spirit stays within us always. They were of our past but they are part of our now. They are our hope for the future. Please understand we cannot forget. We would not if we could.

We know that you cannot know, yesterday we were like you. Understand that we dwell in both flesh and spirit. We do not ask you to walk this road. The ascent is steep and the burden heavy. We walk it not by choice. We would rather walk it with them in the flesh, looking not to spirit worlds beyond. We are what we have to be. What we have lost, you cannot feel. What we have gained you may not see. Please say " their names" for they are alive. We will meet them again, although in many ways we've never parted. Their spirits play light songs, appear in sunrises and sunsets. They are real and shadow, they were and they are.

Please say "their names" to us and say "their names" again.
They are our children and we love them as we always did.
More each day.

'PLEASE, SAY THEIR NAMES'

In memory of my darling forever-baby Ciaran. I loved you from the moment i saw those two pink lines, and i'll love you til i draw my last breath as a wizened old woman of 103. You taught me what it was to truly love, and although you could only stay such a short time, you made me a better person and my world a better place. I'm so glad to have known you.

OP posts:
CazBX · 06/12/2011 19:19

Happy Birthday Scarlett and so much love your Mummy and family today xxx

Belle's angel stamp arrived today. It is just perfect. I'm so glad I've found somewhere that could make her angel (the one on her headstone) rather than just using any old angel stamp. Finally I can include her in all our cards in a gentle but lovely way. It feels right.

LottieJenkins · 06/12/2011 20:56

I meant to say Happy Birthday to Scarlett earlier and I forgot............Much love to you C&G too xxxxxxxxxxx

Moominsarescary · 06/12/2011 23:05

Happy birthday to Scarlett thinking of you cheese xx

FM so sorry to hear about your mum xx

Well it was ds2 Xmas fayre on Friday, I'd forgotten but luckily had some money on me when I picked him up. They had a lovely little craft stall for cancer research. Ds 3 took s fancy to a knitted bear and they also had tiny little matching ones that I bought for Jacobs box. I am wondering if they have minitures of whatever I buy ds3 am I always going to feel the urge to buy them for Jacob .

I also bought some tiny patterned boxes to keep the little charms we have decided to buy Jacob for christmases and birthdays, I want to buy him special things on these occasions but feel they should be small so they can go in the memory box, I have no idea if this is a normal thing to do, as with the teddys they arnt memory's of Jacob they are things I'd buy if he was here. Xx

chipmonkey · 07/12/2011 00:07

I think the teddies are a lovely idea, Moomins. And really, who cares what "normal" is. I don't think there are rights and wrongs for angel children. You do what feels right for you.

frasersmummy · 07/12/2011 06:08

morning .. I have been up for a few hours.. my head is spinning as I am thinking I need to go buy something to wear to mum's funeral and while i am there I will finish my xmas shopping

Now theres a contradiction to make your head spin... its no wonder I cant sleep!!

shabbapinkfrog · 07/12/2011 06:45

Morning girls xx

FM Im not suprised you cant sleep. Just wish there was something I could do to help you xxxx

chipmonkey · 07/12/2011 09:59

Fm, of course you can't sleep. It really is a terrible time of year to lose someone. Don't feel that Christmas has to be perfect, you have suffered a dreadful loss so take care of yourself. Xx

CheeseandGherkins · 07/12/2011 11:26

Thanks everyone, yesterday came and went peacefully. We had lots of candles burning all the time we were home and all last night until bedtime which was lovely. We decorated the tree and had all the lights up so it was pleasant for the dcs as well as us. I felt so sick and headachy last night and still into today, not sure if it's related but have taken some paracetamol and lazing on the sofa today.

Scan went well but on the way to the hospital dh and I were talking about Scarlett and the day she was born when he mentioned he had photos of the little teddy that we put in her coffin with her on his phone and told me to look. I hadn't remembered them and there were also some of the midwife holding Scarlett on the bed not long after I'd given birth, really threw me as I hadn't remembered and wasn't expecting to see them. I have those images of her stuck in my mind at the moment. It's really brought it home to me and made me realise that I'm not coping as well as I thought, I've just been putting on a brave face and getting on with things but I do actually feel really upset. Hit me harder than I thought. At least I don't feel guilty now I know that I've just been trying to block things. My head feels like it's going to explode at the moment.

Lottie (hugs) I'll be here and thinking of you on the runup to Jack's birthday and afterwards x

caz Belle's stamp is just perfect, really beautiful x

Moomin we do the same, buy something for Scarlett too, I think it's perfectly normal :)

FM I'm not surprised you can't sleep either :( such a difficult time and made worse, I just hope the lovely memories you have of your mum will shine through and keep you strong (hugs) xx

Longtime · 07/12/2011 13:12

Cheese, I meant to come and look for you here yesterday to say I was thinking of you as I remember your sad posts from a year ago. Sorry to hear that things aren't so good with you today.

Can I offer congratulations on this pregnancy though? I don't know if that's seen as being insensitive on this thread. I hope it is - I just want to wish you well.

Longtime · 07/12/2011 13:13

Oh, sorry - I meant of course I hope it isn't.

CheeseandGherkins · 07/12/2011 13:20

Thank you Longtime :) Things are a lot better than they were a year ago! Ups and downs seem to be the norm though. Keeping my fingers crossed for this time and also being well looked after at a different hospital.

Whatevertheweather · 07/12/2011 20:26

Cheese hope you are feeling a bit better and managed to get some rest today

FM how are you bearing up? Thinking of you xx

Moomins I've been buying little bits for Erin too so I hope it's normal Smile. I see it as my way of making sure she is always included in our family.

Got my appt letter for CT and MRI scan today. 5th January. Wasn't worried at all until I saw the letter. Had agreed to go back to work 9th Jan but am thinking of putting it off until after we get the results of the scans.

Went to a lovely Christmas tree blessing at the funeral directors this evening. Mulled wine and carols sung by the local school choir and Katie put the star of of the tree. Put a star on for our very own Angel as well. Was sad but nice too xx

shabbapinkfrog · 08/12/2011 06:42

Morning girls xx

lavandes · 08/12/2011 08:03

Morning ladies xx

Everlong · 08/12/2011 09:29

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travellingwilbury · 08/12/2011 09:32

Morning all , feeling rubbish today and I have called in sick .

Everlong · 08/12/2011 10:00

This reply has been deleted

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travellingwilbury · 08/12/2011 10:26

Hi Everlong , not fluey , tbh I am feeling quite close to what was called in the olden days a good old fashioned breakdown . I haven't the time to have one so I am trying to head it off at the pass so to speak .

My throat stuff is freaking me out , I just hope when I go to the hospital on monday they will give me good news .

shabbapinkfrog · 08/12/2011 10:41

TW I know just exactly what you mean...

Just got back from the hairdressers - its like a parallel universe to my world. Lovely young girls, beautiful clothes and posh perfume Im sure I used to be part of that world....maybe that world did stop and allow me to get off and thats when I got onto 'shabba world?'

travellingwilbury · 08/12/2011 11:09

Huge hugs to you Shabs , it's just shit sometimes isn't it ?

Most of the time I can put the face on and tbh most of the time I am actually ok but if anything out of the ordinary happens it just spins me out much more than is normal .

I don't trust drs , how can I ? And yet I have no bloody choice do I ?

Everlong · 08/12/2011 11:18

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chipmonkey · 08/12/2011 11:36

tw, you are right to pull back from the world and look after yourself. to you.
Shabs, we all think you're beautiful!

lavandes · 08/12/2011 13:43

Hope you feel better soon tw take it easy. This time of year is so difficult. xx

I thought you were a glamorous, petite lady with rather nice hair shabs please don't spoil the illusion. Of course you are beautiful, you must be, you are so brilliant. What is your favourite perfume? xx

frasersmummy · 08/12/2011 15:17

Tw you made me smile when you said you dont have time for breakdown.. means you still have your fighting spirit .. so thats a positive . I am sending you a hug sometimes hiding from the world even if its just for a few hours really helps

I went to get my haircut for my mum's funeral today ... how odd is that phrase ? and they were all "oh is this for your xmas party" ... my mum went to the same place regularly so the boss and some of the stylists knew

there was a lot of rushing up to juniors and whispering ... one got dragged off when she was making chit chat cos she saud I have no idea what to buy for my mum..

I am feeling a bit better today ...though tears are never far away

has anyone else noticed that we may need a new thread for xmas ??

shabbapinkfrog · 08/12/2011 15:23

Oh I hate other peoples small talk and chit chat.....Wish I could take your hurt away FM. xx

I noticed we will need a new thread as well. If nobody else wants to do it I wouldn't mind starting one. xx