my beloved hubby died 2 weeks ago today - suicide :(

[Blondeshavemorefun]

tbh i dont know what to say - i never expected to post a thread in this section of mn :(

I didnt expect to be a widow at 37 :(

he was severely depressed, and although had some very good days, he also had very bad days and for whatever reason he felt he couldnt carry on and took his own life on Saturday 16th april :(

i know its early days, but i cry every day, silly things set me off, like yesterday changing the duvet cover - it was hubbys's job to do that and i had to do it for the first time

its got to get easier hasnt it? :(

[Blondeshavemorefun]

i do have a woman shit corner in spare bedroom and friends are desperate to tidy it

and at the moment i have to take what sex i can get read - whether poo or not lol x

[thumbwitch]

Hmm, I don't know about friends tidying "my shit areas"! Although I used to wish I had a friend with OCD who would come and help me tidy my house when they were bored with doing their own; but then rapidly realised that I couldn't cope with someone else throwing my stuff out or putting it in "safe and sensible" places, i.e. places I'd never find it again!

[Blondeshavemorefun]

i do collect crap memories and keepsakes :) and i do need to have a tidy up and be ruthless and have a keep/throw/charity box

but obv not thrown away memories - i have literally 100's of pics around the house

heaven help me if i ever decided to move - i have a car type/car front seat and kitchen cupboards in my loft - the old owners left there there and 13years later, they are still there

still have no idea why/how they managed to drag seat up the stairs and through small hole in ceiling

[thumbwitch]

! How odd! you'd just have to sell them as part of the history of the house... make up some story about them or something!
But you're not planning to move just yet, are you? I know there are now bad memories there, but so many good ones as well.

I know when my Mum died, people asked my Dad if he'd move - he was shocked that anyone would (although some do) - it was the house they'd shared their whole married life (41y) - why move?

[Blondeshavemorefun]

no im not going to move - i like our my house - lived here 13years and like the fact i have a 3 bedrooms and garden/driveway/parking for 3/4cars and lovely neighbours

many of my my rw friends are all within 5 mins drive and always here for me, but if i had a problem at 2/3am i could run and bang on neigbours door in 15seconds

tbh i cant afford to move - will cost £10k roughly from what other friends have paid out - but actually dont want to either

many of my friends thought i was mad to stay the night of the day dh killed his self (as did it in our house and i found him) but i knew if i didnt stay there that night and went to a friends/parents etc, i would find it hard to go back

[thumbwitch]

I think you're right. I think sometimes gut instincts see you through this stuff, even if it doesn't make sense to anyone else, you know what's right for you and that's what matters.

You sound in a similar position to my Dad - lots of friends you can call on at any time, neighbours you know - why would you move? You have a wider cocoon of love around you - that's a great thing. :)

[Blondeshavemorefun]

a cocoon of love - i LOVE that - you are so right thumbwitch :)

[Blondeshavemorefun]

off to see Tony Stockwell - done a thread here :)

[thumbwitch]

Have replied on the other thread.
Are you going with someone else, to be with you? Might be an idea.

Also, if you can stand it, can I recommend Hereafter to you - it'll break your heart but might help, I don't know. It's a very powerful film, IMO - I watched it on the plane back from the UK and was in bits; but very peacefully so, if that makes sense. It may be too much for you just now though - I have linked to the review so you can see what it's about.

Take care of yourself xx

[Blondeshavemorefun]

my brother is driving me - the film looks good - will def watch it thx

[GettinTrimmer]

I can understand you wanting to see the psychic Blondes, after others have seen him and what they've said. I saw one 17 years ago, it was like a counselling session, she was very kindly. She did say only see her very infrequently. But I am still not sure what I believe. Good luck with it anyway and I hope he offers you some comfort xx

And I don't blame you for not wanting to move house!

[Blondeshavemorefun]

he was good :)

i feel positive :)

[thumbwitch]

that's excellent news, Blondes! Very :) for you too - glad it worked out well.

[josara]

@blondeshavemorefun

I am so very sorry for your loss. My stomach dropped when I read your post. I am glad I am not the only one going through this...it's difficult to talk to people about it, because most people just don't get it.

I know what you're going through. And you are not alone with this. My husband killed himself on 16/04/2011. The same date, that Saturday.
He was Greek, we met last summer on Crete because we were both working in the same hotel. We fell in love and I got pregnant. This time last year we went to live in northern Greece, in the mountains in the middle of nowhere, where he was from. Our little girl, Zoe (which means life in Greek) was born just a month before he did this.

Now I am back in England- and I do not have a good relationship with his family...he left them a note saying he couldn't live without me.
That morning we had had a chat and I told him very clearly (but he knew anyway because I was crying everyday that I was there) that I was not happy in Greece, that I was coming back to England with our daughter- and I asked him to come with me. He could have found a job here and we would all have had a better life here. His family blame me- they did not even tell me when his funeral was or invite me. Police told me to stay in a hotel, I was not even allowed to return to my home there. I left Greece just 2 days later, with nothing, under police escort.

I know it is not my fault- and I imagine people keep saying 'but you knew him best'. Yes but I don't know why he did that. It is so hard...and I am sure you find it hard to find people that really understand and get what you're going through.
I just keep busy and try to stay positive, I have a great family...and I keep going for Zoe. She is always happy, she's gorgeous and I know that is my job now. If I want to do something for him I can do something for her.
I send his family in Greece photos and Zoe was christened in the Greek Orthodox church here in the summer. His parents came over for that but did not really speak to me- before all of this they always made me feel very welcome and loved- despite the language barrier (my Greek is very basic, they don't speak English).
But I agree with you and really believe that he is happy were he is now. And this is what he wanted. I knew he had problems, such as money/job and had often asked me what I would do if he died. He'd also threatened to do it just 2 weeks before (after I told him that I was not happy in Greece)...

...I don't want to bother you with my problems but if you ever want to talk, email me [email protected]

Try to stay strong,
Joanne

[bacon]

I know your pain, my father committed suicide a long time ago - nearly 20 years now.....inside his car - spare you the details.

The shock is terrible and then the guilt. It was a complete shock to our family but he had a business that had financial problems.

It was a hard time for my mother as there was a lot of legal and court stuff and the solicitor messed up so added to our problems.

I was in my early 20's and was so hard it had a knock on effect with bringing on my depression. Later made me ill with chronic fatigue and my marriage failed however, all is well now!!!

It'll take a while to grieve and the loss of your best friend is heart breaking.

You have to do what makes you feel the best. If you dont want ot move then dont worry, however, be careful with you financies. My mother moved as she had very little money and make a fresh start.

I remember when my first husband left me, the loneiness was horrendous, I had no children and was scared for the future. He was my best friend and I look back and I was so ill with grieve that he left me. I know it wasnt a death but the shock and loniness is the same.

All you can do is look forward and do as much as possible to make yourself happy, I know its early but you must get out and find new interests and be determined to make a new life.

Yes it does get easier, you will forever get tearful, but the pain dies a little but it is a battle and you have to focus - please watch your moods and dont let yourself get depressed....god bless xxx

[Blondeshavemorefun]

josara and bacon - somehow i missed your 2 replies :( - prob as i thought thread was dead and wasnt on my list iyswim and was just reading replies as feeling rather down at the moment - and still cant beleive the love and support that all of you have given to me on here - and many dont 'know me'

josara - i am so sorry for your loss and same date as mark - how are you doing now?

bacon - suicide is so tough and yes i do feel guilt - lots of it at this precise moment

but

i will get over it, as know deep down that i couldnt do anything for mark that i didnt do - but is so hard being here without him

[Thumbinnapuddingwitch]

Hi Blondes - I am feeling a touch guilty that I didn't post on here nearer Christmas. I hope you were ok and had plenty of friends and family to visit and look after you. I hope they helped you through your first Christmas and NY without your darling husband - and I hope that you are coping with life and have a good job now.

Take care, lovely xxx

[Blondeshavemorefun]

thumb - please dont feel guilty - and sorry for late reply, just back from australia

christmas ane ny eve were hard, but actually christmas day was ok - did something different with my family and w3ent out for lunch - lit acandle for dh and remembered him but there were no tears - unlike xmas eve where i was a mess

i m slowly getting my head round what happened and although there are days where i feel terrible guilt, i do know that deep down that i did all i could do and ultimately dh wanted to die and NOTHING i could have done would have saved him

keep saying that life goes on, and life is for living, so i am trying to make the most of my life - hence flying halfway round the world to Australia to stay with a wonderful lady who i had never met before and going out with friends and enjoying life - as what other choice do we have

die/cry or survive xx

[maltwisney]

Oh bless you.
My Dad committed suicide 15 years ago, just as I was getting ready to sit my GCSE'S
The only comforting thing I can say is...it does get easier.
I've got past the angry stage and realise he was seriously unwell. He had been for a very, very long time.
Do not think he did what he did because he didn't love you, he loved you all too much and thought you'd be better without him.
If you need a chat, PM me xxx

[Lolly86]

So sorry blondes x