Thank you so much everyone. Thanks to a very special MNer, a very special tribute will be made by one of Richard's oldest friends on BBC Radio Bristol tomorrow morning, as the coach(es?) are on their way up here for the funeral. That lovely lady is a star and very, very special.
I am knackered. Totally and utterly knackered. Not least because last night DD1 woke at 1.30am, vomiting (in my bed as she sleeps with me). So managed to get bed changed, DD1 showered and changed and back to sleep. I then couldn't get back to sleep. Managed to around 3.30am. DD2 (also in my room, but in her cot) then woke at 4.20am. Got her back to sleep after about half an hour. Within a few minutes, DD1 woke throwing up again. Which then woke DD2 back up. Gah. Obviously haven't been able to catch up since. Hopefully I will tonight. Please girls, sleep tight and have a vomit-free night.
I saw Richard again today. It is - unbelievably - 2 weeks now since he died. His body is very much different and now just a shell, a vessel for his spirit which is elsewhere. Speaking of which, had another funny light experience last night. I was lying on my bed with DD1 trying to persuade her to settle down. The wall light above my bed was on dimly (they have dimmer switches). DD1 started to tell me a Daddy story..."Mummy, do you remember when Daddy..." the light shone brightly! DD1, laughed, looking up at the light asking me how that had happened. I said perhaps it was Daddy wanting to know what the story was (it was actually when she, Richard, his Mum, sisters and a couple of nurses were singing 'que sera sera' at the hospice). The light then dimmed a bit (by itself). I told DD1 to settle down to go to sleep. She snuggled into bed. And then the light dimmed and went out! I am not lying or exaggerating or anything. I am not prone to fantasy, but it is true. Of course DD1 immediately thought that was Daddy again and woke up.
Big, big day tomorrow. For the last few days I have been waking in the morning with a knot in my stomach, dreading it all. I have written the most amazing tribute to R (even if I say so myself). I started off saying, "R and I first met blah blah blah" and then something totally different came out and took me in a totally different direction and I just love it. I love it so much that I really want to stand in church tomorrow and read it. These are my words written about my husband and I want to read them. Poor DSS, I read it to him this afternoon and he was in bits by the end. But he said he thought it was beautiful and was just really pleased he'd heard it for the first time in private rather than at the service.
I will share it with you all after tomorrow.
So, wish me luck. Not just with the reading, but with it all. I can't believe it is happening and I wish so much that it wasn't. I have to bring myself back from the brink of self pity on several occasions and give myself a good kick. Crying is fine. Missing my gorgeous gorgeous Richard is fine. Those things are healthy. Self pity is not. It is not going to get me anywhere or achieve anything.
Anyone got any tips on how to keep a 1 year old and 3.8 year old quiet for an hour in church?