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Original poster

Update on Rindercella's DH (No. 2)

845 replies

Portoeufino · 12/04/2011 16:25

The other thread has reached 1000 posts, so I hope no-one minds that I started a new one......Hoping R is home with you now!

OP posts:
giraffesCantDanceWhileSober · 23/04/2011 15:39

Thinking of you x

Reindeerbollocks · 23/04/2011 22:02

Can't believe the CC company are still hassling you - it's disgraceful.

How are you cooking for that many people tomorrow! I hope the lunch goes well and that your DDs enjoy Easter (well I think if chocolate is involved then your DD2 should be happy :) )

I'm glad you are able to talk of Richard to your friends and they are supporting you, would wearing his scent help or hinder?

Thinking of you x

Rindercella · 24/04/2011 12:03

Feeling so sad today. Wrote a card to the wife of a man who was in the hospice as the same time as R. He died 2 days after R did. He was 40 years old. Fucking cancer. That's not the biggest reason why I'm feeling sad though. I am just missing Richard more than I ever thought possible. I have escaped for a few minutes of downtime, as am cooking lunch for 20 , am crying my eyes out chopping up bloody cucumbers. And I forgot to get the butcher to butterfly the leg of lamb so it is going to take ages to cook.

God I miss Richard so much. I am so sad he's gone. We were meant to be forever. He was just too young and strong and vital to die. I fucking hate cancer (did I slready say that?). Now I have to put makeup on cos my skin is shit and I need to make it look fairly presentable. Even though we hadn't really been able to cuddle up for a long while, I so miss his strong arms around me and I will never feel them again. A week on Tuesday will be a year since he walked into A&E at 7am asking for help. Fuck fuck fuck

sybilfaulty · 24/04/2011 12:07

OH my lovely Rinders, I so wish I could make things better for you. I think you are amazing. Can you enlist some help with the lunch from your guests? It is so very kind to think of that other family from the hospice too.

Am sending you many positive thoughts, huge hugs and lots of strengths. Take care. Lots of love XXXXXX

treedelivery · 24/04/2011 12:17
Sad

I can hear the ache in your post. I haven't lost anyone to date so I won't even pretend to know the dark places you will visit, but I can imagine it and I am so so sorry you have to go through this.

No one would be amazed to here lunch is a take away or to see you without your make up on. But if doing it helps to get you through then I guess just keep going, one breath at a time, one foot in front of the other.

Only a year on Tuesday, it's all so shocking. You must be in such shock, probably still getting over the fact he has a cancer diagnosis. Let alone all that has followed. Your brain and intellect has a lot of catching up to do, so go easy and let it work through all of it.

I'm sure Richard is with you, but not in the so important physical sense. But I know he is with you, wearing purple and smelling fresh and manly with perfect hair and strong arms. Lean on your memories and get through the day hour by hour.

thumbbunny · 24/04/2011 12:30

((((Rinders)))) - I know it's nothing like the same but know that the MN collective is holding you in its arms and trying to give you the strength to cope with this utterly desolate period of your life.
A year is such a short period of time when you think of it - no time at all to come to terms with the brutality of cancer.

And then what Tree said.

Hope your lunch goes well - I know that in reality it's a diversionary tactic to stop you thinking about stuff - but Richard will be there with you in spirit, watching and taking care of you.
xxx

TheOriginalFAB · 24/04/2011 12:40

Your love for your husband is tangible and I am so so sorry he has died.

MABS · 24/04/2011 12:54

all my love x

everlong · 24/04/2011 12:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TimeForMeIsFree · 24/04/2011 13:08

Lots of love Rinders. I am so sorry you are going through this xxx

corblimeymadam · 24/04/2011 14:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissPaintyOeuf · 24/04/2011 16:53

Oh Rinders, there really are no words. I wish didn't have to go through all of this. I think of you and the girls so often. Sending much love x

Bucharest · 24/04/2011 17:21

Rinders, the very fact that you are even contemplating legs of lamb for 20 people tells us what an incredible person you are.

You scream and rant against this vile disease all you want, lovely, and we'll all scream and rant alongside you.

Hope you are feeling a bit better and the lamb was OK. Smile

trulymadlydeeply · 24/04/2011 17:38

Please forgive me if I'm speaking out of turn, Rinders. I was thinking about you yesterday, as I do so often now, and wondering what yours and Richard's backstory was - how you met and what you liked about each other - what you journey with him has been. I don't know if it would help or not to tell us your story - maybe you have on another thread and I've missed it.

I have a friend at work whose DD died 2 years ago, and although it makes her sad, my friend loves it when I ask about her child - she says it validates her DD's existence, and so many people have moved on but her life hasn't in the same way.

I'd love to know your story if it would help - but if it would make you more sad, then please ignore this post. I would hate to make your pain any worse than it already is.

Thinking of you and your bravery and your love for R, with huge admiration and support and respect.

XXX

SpeedyGonzalez · 24/04/2011 18:27

Oh, Rinders. Sad

Huge bear hugs to you, my lovely. You need to remember to take things slowly, and be kind to yourself as often as possible.

bellavita · 24/04/2011 20:45

Rinders, my heart weeps for you Sad

I wish I could make it better x

Original poster
Portoeufino · 24/04/2011 20:48

Oh my love, wherever it is that Richard is now, he will be watching over you and be with you in spirit - and he will be so, so proud of you. I bet the lamb was lovely.

OP posts:
maddiemostmerry · 24/04/2011 20:52

It's not fair. I think of you Richard and the family and wish i could say something useful. Much love to you x

Hassled · 24/04/2011 20:58

Oh Rinders I wish I could say something of comfort. Just hang on to the fact that you and your DDs made him very very happy, that he had a good life - and remember that you will see him in your DDs more and more as they get older. And just sit and cry and weep and wail at the unfairness of it all when you need to.

Reindeerbollocks · 24/04/2011 22:46

Sending hugs by the bucketful.

It's not fair and it must be so hard getting up every morning. It sounds like you two were very well matched with similar attitudes and outlooks on life. It sounds like he adored you and I can tell from the way you write just how much you loved him. I wish cancer hadn't robbed you of your husband and put you and your babies through this.

You have beautiful children who I'm sure give you the strength to carry on when all you must want to do is give up. Thinking of you all x

almondfinger · 24/04/2011 23:09

Rinders you are amazing. Personally, I'd have flung the lamb in the bin, told them all to go for pizza and thrown myself on the bed and had a good bawl, but you put on makeup and get on with it.

He may not be there in body to cuddle you anymore, but rest assured his spirit and yours are entwined forever.

x

Emmanana · 24/04/2011 23:56

Oh darling girl. Your pain must be red raw. I will never meet you, but you have touched my heart.
Wishing strength and love to your family. xx

Fucking fucking vile cancer

Rindercella · 24/04/2011 23:57

Thank you so much for all your lovely messages. I promise you, I don't always feel strong. Sometimes (today particularly) I crumple into a big sobbing heap.

Actually, today has mostly been good despite the crying. DSS is a wonder. By the time I got downstairs this morning he had cleared out the kitchen, pushed back the table, washed the floors, etc., etc. He then assembled this trampoline for the DDs (and their big brother & cousins Grin). I had a couple of lovely chats with him too about his Dad. He seems really comfortable talking to me about him which I am so happy about.

I think it was 21 of us in the end, including small children. I cooked (sorry to bore you, but I love entertaining so I'm going to list it all) a capon and a leg of lamb, carved and served warm. Along with that a huge bowl of new potatoes tossed in some sea salt, olive oil and parsley, plus a Greek salad, an apple, celery & chicory salad, tomato and mozzarella salad, a big bowl of roasted asparagus, crusty bread, coleslaw (my only cheat), plus lots of other salady things. Have to say it was all yummy.

I have to put makeup on as my skin is rubbish. I think it's hormonal actually as it started going to pot when I was pregnant with DD2 (therefore before all the stress started) and has got worse since. I was never a spotty teenager, but I have loads of spots now and also an vivd red rash-like thing across my cheeks, forehead etc. Suppose I should really see my GP to see if I can use anything on it, but in the meantime Estee Lauder DoubleWear works miracles!

I have cried so much today. DSS has also done a playlist from DH's iPod so that we can play 'his' music at the wake. We were playing that today and the track we had our first dance to at our wedding came on (Bob Marley Turn Your Lights Down Low). Oh boy, did I cry when I heard that.

It was great to see so many of the family though, and to see how much they care. I am lucky to have such good people around me - and lucky to have some amazing 'virtual' friends giving me lots of hugs and support along the way. xxx

thumbbunny · 25/04/2011 06:27

Rinders - on a purely practical note, it sounds like you may have acne rosacea, rather than acne vulgaris. You can get stuff from the doc for it, and there is a green base make up you can use to hide the redness of the rash.

Am glad that you have your DSS and he is old enough to be able to help out so much, and to be able to get himself to yours without any input from his mum. He sounds like a proper chip off his Dad's block - lovely boy.

Some days you will wonder where all the tears can possibly come from - make sure you drink enough water to replace them all though.

And have some more (((hugs))) for good measure.
xxx

Grockle · 25/04/2011 08:05

What a star your DSS is. Your lunch sounds wonderful, Rinders.